NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Rick Boon
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Posts posted by Rick Boon
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My parents are bickering again. I don't like that. It hurts. It hurts the soul, deeply.
It gave me memories about my youth, when someone was crying. My sister, because I wasn't listening to her. My mother, when I didn't do what she asked.
I'm just feeling so emotional about such moments. I wish I could go back, and right after ask for forgiveness.
I was also pondering about why I'm a little sensitive about this stuff. I still remember. I don't forget lightly. "loose ends" I call them. All the sorries I still have to say to people. Family, old friends.
I feel like a little boy, still not wanting to engage in conflict and even the slight possibility to differ in opinion. Not to the people I love.
I wonder if its normal or healthy. I have to stick up for myself, right? But if I hear my parents fighti want to do something to change that. Why is it still the same? It's been done over and over for a thousand times. Same words, same discussions.
Meh, I don't want to be in the same room when they do. How do I cope?
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20 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
Your feelings are not irrelevant. Your feelings are not shameful, because they are neither good or bad, they are just an indicator - like an alarm that rings. Your feelings are not you. Your feelings are the way you respond to some things.
Feelings are not worthless. Feelings have worth but feelings are useful for only one thing in our lives: they tell us when things go right, or when they go wrong. They are here to inform us, not to guide us. When you feel happy, this is a very useful piece of information that comes from yourself to yourself, telling you that what is happening in this moment should continue. And when you feel angry or sad, it is a piece of information that tells you that this situation should not continue. Do you take your feelings in account? Do you investigate what is going wrong, when you feel bad?
And another thing. Your feelings are not what make you, you. Your actions are what make you, you. Your self image, your self esteem is based on the sum of actions you take, whether those actions align with your morals, beliefs and desires or not, whether you are responsible for the things that are in your control and whether you are assertive and honest with yourself and other people. Those are the things that define you, and when you live in harmony with them, you end up liking yourself. Take it from someone who loathed herself a year ago too.
I highly recommend you read two books, they will give you a realistic and not distorted perspective like the one that's been accompanying you so far : Mind over Mood & Six pillars of self esteem. You deserve to be in control of your thoughts about yourself, you deserve to be happy - take action!Hey fawn_xoxo, thanks for responding in my journal. For my own reasons i cannot answer you. You can read my journal back to see when i started this template and to understand a little why i have it set up like this. Last but not least, I don't think you are wrong. I think you say a lot of good stuff, and i am going to check out the "Mind over mood" book. Have a good day.
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Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
how conscious i was. Today we went to buy fireworks. It is something we do every year and this year was no different. My brother had invited one of his friends. I knew him, I liked him. But there is still some fear in me, whenever i meet someone i knew from the old kindergarten school days, friends of my family. It always goes very heartily, but on the inside i'm thinking so much about their judgement, their view of me. I'm now 25 and not that well accomplished. Havent had much achievements.
Mostly its okay, but i was so anxious throughout the day. Don't want to. I'm now at a point where i can recognize when i do overthink, but like today, don't have the way to deal with it yet.
I'm going to stop writing now, little bit tired. Tomorrow is the last day before new years eve, i'm going to enjoy them both.
Cheers
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Today was a (Scottish accent) GREAT day.
We prepared for new year's eve. We made deep fried dougnut balls (that's the translating google is giving), or "Oliebollen" the whole day. It was a lot of fun. I had some nice social contact, i really enjoyed us banding together, bantering together and being at each other's throat for sport. I also talked seriously about a friend of my dad's who joined us for the day. How i can let go and deal with my dad micromanaging sometimes, or using the same words and sentences i have heard for so many years. It's not always nice. Mostly just a manner of giving commands, shallow communication.
But i told that friend that i don't want to react in this bitter, resentful state. I love my dad. However he is. I asked that friend for advice, and he gave some and i will remember that into the end of times.
"Accept him for who he is. He will do so much for you if you do".
That, together with practical examples was really something i didn't expect to take seriously, but i did. I will bend the way words can hurt me. I will love my father, and myself for who we are. There are always 2 in any social interaction. I can do my part. I want to.
Alright.
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
When i was talking to that friend of my dad, i was still holding back a little. Like forming sentences in my head but not speaking them, and saying something more generic. I just wanted to say "I love my dad, i want to learn how i can love him more, because sometimes his words hurt". This holding back is not new to me, i have been doing that my whole life. Sometimes i feel really open and i will speak freely, but that's hard to achieve in a normal conversation. It isnt always the place and time for it either, but i would want to have it more. To let people see the real me, so i can give them a chance to do the same, and to either accept me or refuse me. It's fine. It really is.
Now what to do? i can say "no more holding back!" but that is basically saying "lets stop being human and be one crazy person who is only converse on the deepest level ever". But i want to speak my mind more, not be afraid of the other person's judgement or maybe scare her. Lets do this. I will talk more about this tomorrow perhaps.
Oh before i forget. I observed myself in need of emotional feelings. My thoughts started to go to porn, trying to image and i was baffled after a few seconds, because i was having a great time. For now i'm thinking moments like this (an emotional need) are things like hugging, cuddle or kiss that i miss. A girlfriend. But it can also be a good conversation with someone i love or like about anything serious really. Just after that moment we played a board game and i could pour it into that, into banter and such.
Evaluating on 1 or 2 January:
My sleeping pattern
Nofap, and how i dealt with cravings thus far. Any need for me to double down on something? A new or already proven way?
Did i set myself up for succes? Do i need to let go something? can i continue how i am doing now?
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4 hours ago, Matt S said:
I'll also avoid it. I'm going to be 10 weeks free starting on Saturday. I just sometimes see my unopened games and get slightly sad before moving on lol. That's an interesting quote by Sjoti. I think I've changed the base layout of my life, but not the meat and bones portion yet. I still haven't established my real schedule and mindset officially. It has been tough since I've moved recently. What is your discord name btw? You mentioned we spoke on there, but is it still ironfly?
Matt
It's Silencedmind. I changed it to something more recognizable.
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6 hours ago, Matt S said:
I'm starting to wonder about single player games. I only gamed for social aspects, but also never did anything creative. I have my NES Classic and SUPER NES Classic and haven't touched them. I want to, but I fear I'll just relapse. What a shame.
That went not well in my last relapse run. I did start with single player, ended up playing Team Fortress 2 and Lotro.
There is no way around it, right now i'm not committing. I'm not going for a 100%, as long i have that game on my laptop i'm in danger.
Sjoti gave me another look on it, couple of days ago.
What has changed between now and then that will let you make a different decision?
I'm going to sleep with that slogan.
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Good to have you Brian
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@Matt S read it. its exactly whats happening to me to. You gave it words.
Alright. Today is a new day. Got up at 5:45. Went to bed early. I'm pretty happy about that because i went the last 3 evenings to bed whenever the rest of the family was going, but i was done with that. Just want normal sleeping hours again.
I also found my filler in the morning. I'm not going for crazy standards again. I always had this notion that i had to have this really strict and tight morning schedule, like "waking up - exercising - eating eggs and 5 kilos of broccoli" etc. I am going to excercise eventually, but right now for example i'm away from home, don't have my clothes with me, things are more lose. I just want to get up early, thats the only thing really. I did read somewhere, where the writer explained that he tried to get up early but there was nothing there, because if you dont have something to do its a little bit void.
Realizing that i found something that i already knew of, and already tried once and thats perfect, because now i'm more familiar with it. It's the Wim Hofman Method. Breathing, stretching and cold exposure at some point. It should be fun. I'm very interested in Wim Hofman anyway, and i think the low key exercise will fit perfectly in my morning.
Okay, time to evaluate
Sleep pattern, how well did i sleep? did i go to bed consistently, am i happy about the state of it or do desire to change it?
This is going well. i have maintained this for a week (i think), then i went to my parents and i didn't maintain. Didnt saw the need for it because it was cozy and social every evening. Last night i went back however to going to bed when i'm tired, and that is most of the time around 9, 930.
My use of discord. Right now its in a sweet spot where i hang out in the evening. However, if i'm restless and i start to use it to fill hours i want to change my use of it.
This has not happened. In the past it became something that functioned to get self esteem from, from good conversations and responses. I'm not focus on that, and i'm always reading the chat but not participating. I like how it is now.
nofap; specificely, how did i deal with cravings? do i need to remind myself of the small steps that are involved? do i need to reread the reddit answer?
I have also a book on nofap. thats one of my small steps and i need to take it. I did deal well with cravings but that is mostly because i'm not at home now, and still have 4 days to go before i will. That makes it a lot easier, i'm afraid what will happen if i return to home, but i can help myself by reminding why i want to do this, and keep saying to myself that i am in control.
Did i set myself up for failure at some point? did i let something go that i shouldnt have? did i commit edging?
I did let something go, will answer that in the last question. I have deleted my steam account, i am taking action in other areas to so i think i did not set myself up for failure.
Did i forgive myself, do i forgive myself now?
I have forgiven myself this week, for a number of things.
Do i need to delete my game from gog?
I'm procrastinating this right now. It's a single player game. I'm hoping to finish it and thén start my new life.
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Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
I didnt, i think. I might have, but havent noticed yet. I had a very good day. We played plenty of boardgames, went for a walk in a nearby village, lots of fun.
My insight today was this; whenever i'm gaming, my world is centered around that. in the bus, at family, work. All my braincells are focused unto the next moment of pleasure. When i'm not gaming, that pressure and such cravings aren't there, in that way. I feel like i'm investing, building and wanting so much to explore. It's a great feeling. Feeling of growth, i believe.
I restarted my reddit day counter, had to. I'm going to continue that. I'm going to take some steps to make momentum count for something. For starters, i now have the "about to relapse?" page from the GQ website as my homepage on my mobile. It will be the first thing i see whenever i'm looking for porn on my mobile. I want to create more such barriers.
Any tips welcome. I know there are addons and blockers? havent really gave it that much thought tho, i don't know why.
I'm feeling tired, but that's good. Evidence of an active day. I will journal tomorrow, and this week, and this month. I like doing it suddenly. Never before had i this desire to write here then now.
Merry christmas to all
PS: i still have some stuff to evaluate, i'm going to do that the day after tomorrow. Lots of time and silence then.
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Today is a good day. I hope to journal this evening, but i'm at my parents house so there might be a board game or movie playing.
As i predicted, i'm a bit numb. I'm making contact, enjoying myself but the feeling is for a silly reason. the temperature is way higher at my parents then in my own apartment. This makes me sluggish and languid. what a beautiful word actually. I feel this way to much after i have gamed or did porn. thats something i want to leave behind. I know this for a long time, but havent acted on it.
Now that i'm starting again with taking charge of my life, i want to act on this. I don't know yet what to do on it yet. Yes, i know a walk can do you good, but i've never been much of a walker. once in a while i went to the meadow next to our terrain, it was fun to walk in there. But i'm not sure i want to do that, i want to have fun at it a little bit, otherwise its just a chore.
thinking out loud. i can do a walk over the terrain, i dont mind that.
small parts of forrest are nearby, but a tad to far to walk to. i imagine me walking for maybe an hour. that should be a good amount.
if its dry, i can mountainbike perhaps. I have been waiting and waiting for this, but have only been with others, in a group. But i cant do that when its dark.
I'm going to get back on this another time.
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Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
I havent been honest to myself. I relapsed in porn and gaming this weekend. i didn't think i would. I have to be honest to myself. I have no willpower, almost none. This is my life. I cant change it in one day. I have to start over and over and over again, until my dying breath. Okay that's a bit theatrical but isnt it right?
I have always been observing other people. Very regular thoughts where "how do other people do stuff? decide stuff? make choices or make changes?". This is not strange to me. i can relate this to my autism. And it's good to think about this, i think.
With that in mind, i recognize gaming has changed me into someone who is only standing on the sideline. i dont feel power to change something.
Today i relate to belief 1 and 2 by understanding that i haven't been honest to myself, because i didnt think it was worth it. I wasnt' worth it. I sometimes think other people find me not worth it.
Okay.
Today i opted for deleting my steam account. its a good choice. the ticket has been send.
@Matt S i've been reading your post now for 3 times in the last few days. thanks for that help and support.
i forgive myself. right now. I forgive myself for not being honest to myself, for watching porn and for giving up on myself for a moment there. I don't want this to hold power over me. the past shouldn't hold that grip on you, on me. i forgive myself.
i'm going to talk later this evening some more. right now i'm going to eat, be a little more with my family.
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I'm in a bad place. I relapsed with porn yesterday twice, today once. I got my laptop this evening back. One of the reasons it went so well this last week is because i didnt have my laptop in my room, but i had acces to it if i wanted. For journaling, etc.
So when i got it back, i wasnt relapsing immediately. I didn't feel that rush, that high when i started anno1404 again. I finished the game and deinstalled. Have now mount and blade warband installed.
I'm not sure what i want to do now.
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Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then I myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Today I related to this by:
I have been moody. At work for example, i didn't make contact. i hid myself for an hour. i don't know why i do that. I do know i'm having thoughts about "they see me coming" etc, very negative. i don't know how to break it. I might find a strategy. Maybe taking some smaller steps. I'm so focus on the end result i want to have, when i'm hiding. "i just want to quit" is it mostly. But there is of course a whole conversation between it.
I think i relate to the above beliefs in this way today. Whenever i'm down, i am still beating myself for being in that state, and i am actively witholding myself of repair by talking (or doing anything really to work on it). I don't count.
This is what i'll bend, maybe the next time and if not, i'll get the one after that.
What is it you want to achieve?
answer coming.
Who do you want to become?
Someone who is friendly, can place his emotions and communicate them well. Someone wo will make a fool of himself and who is unafraid of other people’s reactions. I crave that person. I want to be someone who can validate himself. Maybe that’s my intention. No more guilt without change, no more shame without apology. No more indifference, no more apathy, no more should haves..
Yes to intention
Yes to Yes
Yes to moving my body
Yes to jumping out of the bed
Yes to music, learning, abstaining
Yes to ‘I will do..’
Yes to responsibility
Yes to make choices, take charge
What’s going to take place instead of gaming?
I’ll sleep. Finally I will sleep. I will go to bed when I’m tired, between 9 and 10. Then I awake. And I’ll think about my day. I’ll do something in the morning before work. It will be either a walk, some exercise or some writing or reading. The morning/afternoon IF I’m free for whatever reason that day. I’ll read. I have a book series that i decided to read again. I’ll maybe write. But I sure will read.
The afternoon after work and evenings. Evenings I have a standard time of journaling. After that there is a standard coffee break with my house. After that I’m preparing for bed. Doing a last round of putting stuff back, think about the next day, planning the next day. The afternoon I’m not sure. But I am not going to plan that, for now.
(incomplete)
Did I exercise today in the morning or another time?
I’m waiting for my mat, to work out on. It will arrive on Friday.
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I have no journal this evening. I am finishing my template, and i am on a roll with writing it.
Just in short:
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
I am not sure something happened today. I was thinking however, how is that possible? im foreseeing that this section will be more relevant in the future. I will probably never end asking this, including the rest of my upcoming template.
I had fun on discord today. I already knew, but these last 3 days i can determine again that i am so much more outgoing and social when i'm tired. i knew this was a thing, as your social fences go down when your tired or drunk. I find this state pretty pleasant. I don't think it will last. I'm thinking about how i can get the same effect in normal days to (last 3 days i gathered i was tired because of the change for better to a normal sleeping pattern).
Alright,
Cheers
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I need to share.
Today I woke up after a good night's sleep and I was going to observe what kind of morning I need or want.
So I stayed in bed till 8 am, to see how that would influence my day.
Notes :
I feel a little testy. I was not happy with the weather.
I also feel very outgoing. I'm very energetic but sometimes tired. I'm saying stuff I normally would not even contemplate to say.
I don't know what this means. Is it because I started my morning very slow?
Is it better to jump out of bed immediately?
I do like the idea of a morning ritual. That way I don't forget to shave and it might wake me up faster.
I will think more about this.
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On 12/15/2018 at 7:29 AM, Deku said:
Welcome back. It looks like you've had quite the struggle with gaming over the years, but the fact you've come back here means that you're tracking in the right direction.
I'd love to hear about your goals for the future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What's going to take the place of gaming besides reading on the internet?
I hope I'll find out these answers in your future posts. ? See you tomorrow!
As promised, answers that are going to help envision my future.
What is it you want to achieve?
Who do you want to become?
Whats going to take place instead of gaming?
These 3 questions im' going to put into my template, so i see them every journal. i like this idea. So many times you lose vision of the why, but with i keep myself grounded in anwers i believed in at the moment of writing. If need should raise, i can change it.
Right now, i need to go however. I will make these answers tomorrow, either whole or partly.
Today was a good day. I will write more about how i'm loathing already a little bit the upcoming month(s).
Cheers.
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I wanted to really journal today. Here i am.
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
I think i'm actually free today. I have not made an observation about me feeling not worth it.
I was throughout the day a bit tired, very early awake. I went to coffee. We played a board game. I cleaned. I ate. I had a very good day.
I want to talk about some stuff. First off, we are going into the work week. with my commitment comes responsibility and i'm anxious about my feelings, whenever i need to own up to my stuff. I did some stupid things like not calling back, lying etcetera and now i have some hard conversations coming up. I know i will want to avoid and flee. I'm not going to do that.
Okay, good to have that off my chest.
I'm going to do respawn again, aswell. I can do some of the steps to bring back the influence of gaming. I mainly need to reread everything, and follow some left over steps. I have done youtube, i can still delete my steam account and i think i need to do it. umm.. i have still a game from gog installed. I feel resistance. this will do pain to give it up. I'm going to evaluate this later, putting it on the bottom.
Evaluate items for 22/23 december:
Sleep pattern, how well did i sleep? did i go to bed consistently, am i happy about the state of it or do desire to change it?
My use of discord. Right now its in a sweet spot where i hang out in the evening. However, if i'm restless and i start to use it to fill hours i want to change my use of it.
nofap; specificely, how did i deal with cravings? do i need to remind myself of the small steps that are involved? do i need to reread the reddit answer?
Did i set myself up for failure at some point? did i let something go that i shoulnd thave? did i commit edging?
last, and best; Did i forgive myself, do i forgive myself now?
Do i need to delete my game from gog?
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It's night, I woke up. Might as well get some thoughts out.
Yesterday I started to make an essay about the core beliefs article, and it hit me that even if I wanted to, I don't relate a 100% to the I'm worthless and void etc. I don't have bipolar personality disorder.
And that made me doubt if this is even the right approach. But I also know those thoughts. They don't end in anything. They just are. And I'm going to leave that for now. Because I relapsed in porn. And that was something I didn't foresee, but I also choose to not ask help. Because I was over thinking, "why would they help me", "thats not their problem". Those thoughts lead me back to "I'm not worth it". And there you go. That's how I relate today to my core belief.
That's how I'm going to do it. Observe, notice, think and choose new thoughts and approaches to my problems. The old stuff has been tried, it doesn't work. I will not let it hold sway over me. I will change, slowly.
I'm glad that's out there.
Okay, I need to remember this. The third concept for my template is if I tried to be perfect again in the day. Its so sneaky how I'm making myself so this. Its okay but I want to notice if I do this because its limiting to the stuff I want to do.
I think I did it with exercise these 2 days. I dont like the cold in the evening, so I'm thinking very frequently about "let's start tomorrow fresh in the morning". This way I get no exercise done, and although I truly plan to do it in the morning sleep has been a barricade. And I don't think that's how I build discipline. I should exercise and adjust accordingly to the day, but I should do it. Don't like the word should tho. So I'll just do it from now on. If im not exercising in the morning I will plan it another time that day before 9pm.
Nice. That sounds nice.
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11 hours ago, Deku said:
Welcome back. It looks like you've had quite the struggle with gaming over the years, but the fact you've come back here means that you're tracking in the right direction.
I'd love to hear about your goals for the future. What is it you want to achieve? Who do you want to become? What's going to take the place of gaming besides reading on the internet?
I hope I'll find out these answers in your future posts. ? See you tomorrow!
yep, will park this quote above my post so i can get to those questions.
First i'm going to make my template. I'll start with my 2 core beliefs, and how i have related to them today.
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
Shit. i need to go. I will make this journal tomorrow morning, and still follow my schedule of doing one in the evening.
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How is it going MHNN?
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Fuck this. It doesn't work like that. I cant give up on myself. I did it. There is nothing there. i have to scream this everyday to myself.
I'm just out of a relapse. I'm relapsing on and off. there is no control or discipline, i'm functioning on pure feeling and impulse.
Today i walked to the market. It was something i planned to do. i did it. Its a win in my book.
I'm realizing today, again that i can't make it work. I can't game and live a normal life. There is an "i" in gaming. I'm becoming this selfish, bitter person. I'm feeling resentment, judgement and angst. Its something i realize is happening but it doesn't seem i can control it. But i can. But the brain soup in my head is so tough. If i want to make progress, i'm sitting down to focus on something i can't. I'm blank. I feel almost nothing about 90% of my activities. It's also party my autism, i recognize that. But even then, i can't shield myself behind that.
I do have something going on, and that is that I've been reading a lot. On quora mostly but also some on Reddit in the /stopgaming sub, Mark Manson. Very specific stuff. If i get the vibe of an article i'll safe it.
Today is my turn day, again. You see, i say again but somehow i have been building up a lot of hate, like really 'hate' for repeated words and mind sets. I hate it so much that for a long time the past 6 months i'm just shoveling it to the side, week after week. But the commitment, the want, the desire to be gaming free is still there. It was waiting for the right moment. The build up has been done, there is a mountain of stuff i need to start being responsible for. I want to. I need to.
This week it's been hectic, and strange.
First, i went to some sort of retreat. My mental coach asked me to be gone from my room for a week. I went to family. Very nice, very lovely people. I could talk to my aunt, she is very wise in my opinion and because it was my first time actually being in their house and with them i felt a lot of space to voice myself, to think deeply. That was 3 days.
After that i went for another 3 days to my parents. It was good but i knew in advance i couldn't think that much (i was making a lot of notes) and that is what happened. But it was still a blessing to be away from the distorted situation.
Now here is the crazy thing. I felt pretty clean in my head when i came back. And i just relapsed in the blink of an eye. I didn't see people for 3 days, 2 whole.
Ugh, this feels good to get off my chest. Okay, so why am i here? because yesterday i read an answer on quora that kinda opened my eyes to quit again.
https://www.quora.com/Is-it-possible-to-recover-from-Borderline-Personality-Disorder this one. Its brian barnetts answer (first one probably).
He is talking about core beliefs. First, i can relate to some points of his, but mostly to the parts where he is explaining the child hood trauma, how enabling something can have the same bad effects as a beating dad and how you, or i can put my life in perspective, where i am now, saying with honesty that my parents are responsible for the person i was when i left home, the good and bad. and how i myself am responsible for the outcome from that point. Thats roughly my translation. What does this mean to me?
I understand his meaning about the distorted core beliefs. i have those inside of me. I have autism, not borderline personality but i feel his words in my heart.
I'm going to journal every day, in the evening around 1930 and i'm going to dug. I want to understand this, i want to do this. I'm going to observe myself, i'm going to see what happens throughout the day, how i react to different situations, how i communicate and how all that relates to my core beliefs.
I'm also setting myself up for archievement. repeating respawn. Starting this journal again. Sometimes blogging again. get distance again from all things gaming, building momentum.
And i will tinker with a template for my journal. Structure, order, regularity.
Okay, this is nice. I think i communicated everything i wanted to for day one. I just came from a coffee break.
I'm going to name my distorted core beliefs.
Belief 1: My feelings are inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth.
Belief 2: If my feelings are irrelevant and shameful, then i myself must also be inherently irrelevant and shameful, devoid of worth. (because your feelings are you, they are what make you you).
To be honest, this feels weird to write down and to acknowledge. However, i can relate so much to these 2 beliefs. The constant stream of thoughts about myself, all mostly negative. Especially his explanation about the piece of shit, dressed up nicely and all but still a piece of shit reminds me of how much i have thought and felt this, either unconsciously or consciously.
I want to work from this. I understand there is a gap between having bpd and autism, but why do i feel like he is talking to me in this answer? thats really my only argument and why i want to work from this basis from now on. It gives me something to hold on to. Something i can work with, and where i can start whenever i will stagnate, or relapse again. I will fall back on this, and i will understand myself, and i will start giving myself love and acknowledgement.
The rest of the article i'm not going to explain here. I will relate all my journals from now on to the same basis again however. I will try to notice what happens throughout the day, i'll relate that to my core beliefs and i'm going to work at it.
This is my second starting article. Simple. Its also a basis. I want to stop doing shit, stop making bad choices. Also, i want to love myself and acknowledge the mess i'm in.
I actually have observed i have a freakishly hard time with this. The perfection, the starting over mentality from a clean slate.
Some time ago i actually went into discord and asked around if i should start a new journal topic. Just because i wanted to feel like i was starting over. I recognize that so much in my gaming habits. Whenever it goes bad, i want to start over. If it doesnt feel perfect, i want to start over. Sometimes i do a small cheat (single player only, hold your horses) to give me starting over power by deleting every building or whatever is in need or repair, and i cheat the money or stats or something else to give me my perfection back. I don't see this as something bad, but it is limiting myself by not having some realistic perspective. All the other posts before this one in my journal? imperfect. I want to learn to embrace it, to life with it. To acknowledge my dumb mistakes, the thoughts and beliefs based on the perspective that i'm worth nothing. That i can't do this. All the better posts, showing progress? sure, you're also a part of me. I can be very conscious about my progress, my thinking.
I have to go. This is going well. More tomorrow.
Hello world, hello life...
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@Cobain. it will never end. don't give yourself space to act on in the future. You're saying to yourself 'i can t play any games but singleplayer, and i cannot start new ones'. it will probably not hold up about not starting new ones. Your brain will go in fuck-everyone-and-everything and you will most likely start a new one.
I don't know you though, i'm not saying and holding this against you in person. all i know is i just relapsed into a shit week of playing anno 1404. A single player game. I could not stop. i binged it, 6 hour sleep and started again. i downloaded a trainer to make the game easier. i was roleplaying it for a small part (because i binged). again, i'm not saying you will do this, its however most likely. Your reptile brain will take over. you'll be in a shroud of pleasure and dopamine in no-time. Don't do this half ass.
My last word. If you do this whole-ass, you ought to ask people after a couple of months, heck ask after one how they experience you. I'm always getting comments like "you're so much more present now, you're really social. You are laughing, enjoying things, i like you this way". Gaming will mute, muffle your emotions, reactions and what not.
@Rude you can do this. gotta start somewhere indeed. same question for you. ask some people how they experience you now versus a couple of months/1 month without gaming, redditing youtubeing. Come on man.
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I'm giving up. I'm sorry. I'm still quitting with porn but the rest, well i'm to tired. Can't muster anymore. Can lock this thread now.
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@JSmith thanks for that video. i watched entirely and it's difinitely what's happening to me now. Although i do think i'm already a bit into the proces. I'm clear of any gaming for roughly 5 weeks now, have decreased my youtube time with 90%. Porn is still a problem, i watched the noFap video on that channel to and it stated once again in clear arguments that it's something you shouldnt do if you like your brain.
I made a promise to my accountability partner that i would undertake a certain action if i watch porn again so i will keep my word this time. Actively planning my evenings and activities have had an impact already.
Daily Journal - Rick
in Daily Journals
Posted
I have a problem.
I have some people in my life who are saying i can still game, i just have to stay in check. Its making me doubt. It's easier to either game or not. But now i'm doing both. On Day 1 i'm gaming, and day i'm quitting. I'm not sure what to do about this. I have been building on my hobbies though, and i'm all the better for it. So i will expand on that.