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fawn_xoxo

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Everything posted by fawn_xoxo

  1. Day 12+13, Wednesday+Thursday November 14+15th 2018No sugar day 4+5 Not much has changed, been mostly busy with RL and cba to write proper entries but still wanted to come and write something! ? Planning to be AFK for a few days for RL reasons, but will come back at it once I'm back with technology.
  2. Day 11, Tuesday November 13th 2018No sugar day 3Thoughts I feel good about myself that I kept the no sugar thing and achieved the correct water intake as well. I have been doing everything else except going back to work though and I am slowly getting bored of all the other things, so I feel that I will go back to working soon. Maybe today? I do not know. I woke up at 9:30 am but stayed in bed for 2 hours chatting online. These are hours wasted, I am aware of it, but without pressing responsibilities outside of myself I'm not feeling like giving that up yet. Yesterday's gaming felt normal in a way that it hasn't for a long time, and by that I mean that because I have established a certain sleep schedule the past week, I was feeling sleepy at a certain time and left the computer around that time, I didn't push my bedtime by much because of gaming. Gaming didn't feel like a priority. I also logged in the game 1+ hour later than I do so far and I think I might keep this up. 11 pm edit; I feel great that I achieved the calories and water and sugar goals! TrackingCalories: CORRECT AMOUNT, YAS!Water: MORE THAN 2000 ml YAS!Fitness: NoneSugar: NoneWork: 18 minutesArt practice: NoneReading: NoneGame time: Posture and speech:Sleep quality:
  3. Day 10, Monday November 12th 2018No sugar day 2Thoughts Yesterday was so tough re: sugar. I am so used to eating something sweet every day but I did it. I replaced it with salty snacks. My energy levels are not exactly stable, I wake up and feel like staying in bed wasting time on the internet, I get up and I am not exactly energetic. Is it cause my body is still recovering from months of surviving on 6 hours of sleep per day and at really bad hours? (Like 4 am to 10 am) I don't know but I am not energetic, I am sluggish. TrackingCalories: Correct - I still ate more than I needed to. I ate and felt full, then because there was still more food left for me to eat, I ate again later. I could have stopped, but mentally and taste-wise I wanted more.Water: 2000 mlFitness: NoneSugar: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: 18 minutesReading: NoneGame time: 3 hours 20 minutesPosture and speech: The posture is hard to fix when sitting down on my chair but still tryingSleep quality: 1:30 am to 9:30 am, not bad.
  4. @temich512 Good job with your start man, and welcome to the forums!
  5. Day 9, Sunday November 11th 2018 No sugar day 1 Thoughts Drawing felt really boring this time and I wasn't really in it mentally. TrackingCalories: More or less correctWater: 1500mlFitness: None Sugar: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: 1 hourReading: NoneGame time: 4 hours and 25 minutesPosture and speech: The speech thing is easier than postureSleep quality: 1 am - 10 am
  6. When I started this, the first evening I went into the game I felt anxious and nervous about even being online. That anxiety only lasted the first hour or so and then I just saw it as normal. Right now I have realized gaming is only part of the problem. The internet as a whole, including social platforms and such, is my issue. I go to it, be it Discord or games, to escape from responsibility and boredom - but as I've read in articles I've found in r/NoSurf, this is just how it is since I've rewired my brain to only be stimulated by the internet novelty, be it chatting with friends or playing games.
  7. Day 8, Saturday November 10th 2018 Thoughts Spent most of my day talking and doing other stuff, still haven't gotten to doing activities right but will try again. Was outside for a few hours and had a meal with family while at that too. If I was gaming like before, I'd have never accepted to go outside cause it'd have stolen hours away from that, so , gotta recognize that this is a good step at least. TrackingCalories: Went over the appropriate amount cause of snacking on sweetsWater: 1000mlFitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: NoneReading: NoneGame time: 4 hours and 30 minutesPosture and speech: Still trying as I have been so farSleep quality: Went to bed at 12:45 am and slept by 1:20 am. Woke up at around 10:30 am and got up at 11:15
  8. @Matt S In order to lose weight I need to consume around 1400 kcal per day. I usually mess things up after 8 pm when boredom kicks in and I'm like, oh let's eat this junk food or let's drink sodas, to make things more interesting. I am aware of that and I've noticed that when my life is physically active, or when I am with people, I don't go to food as a means of entertainment. Regarding gaming, going cold turkey will just not work for me because mentally I'll be diving into deep waters. I've tried it before and I always relapsed even after 2-3 months, because everything was too different and I was too lost. Playing 4 hours I am noticing that slowly, because there's much you can do in 4 hours but not as much as in 12-16 hours, and because I am making an effort to do other things when I am not playing and I am not just waiting for the evening to come so I can play, my mind is shifting the focus away from it. What I ultimately want is to naturally only have 3-4 hours left in my day free from all the other activities and game then, if I feel like it.
  9. Day 7, Friday November 9th 2018Thoughts I am realizing how I am more so addicted to the internet and always trying to escape my responsibilities through it, rather than gaming alone. Spent a lot of time speaking about this with family and loved ones today.TrackingCalories: More or less around my goalWater: 1000ml +Fitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: NoneReading: NoneGame time: 4 hoursPosture and speech: I'm working on it consciouslySleep quality: Went to bed at 12:30am and slept after an hour. Woke up at 10am but only got up at 12pm.
  10. Regarding posture, I always end up leaning forward in my chair when I am at the computer, like I'm trying to get inside the monitor. I also stand with my shoulders down, not at my full height, not proud or confident. Regarding speech, I speak very fast and that ends up with me either eating some of the letters or stuttering. For these two the goal is to be mindful of it, be aware, be in the moment, so that I correct it. Regarding weight, I want to lose around 35lbs total to go back to the weight I was before I got addicted to the internet and games. After reading this https://nosurf.org/2018/08/28/how-the-internet-changes-your-brain/ it's obvious to me that I'm not addicted just to games but also to the internet. When I can find an online friend to chat with, I use that as a way to escape from my responsibilities at the time. I've seen myself avoid the simplest of tasks, being only half present in them, by chatting with any online friend I can find, talks from shopping to eating with family, I try to avoid them all. The whole dopamine thing is obviously to blame, how my brain is by now used to the constant stimulation the internet provides and finds everything else impossible to stand. Right now I just feel bad at the realization and knowledge I probably need to tackle this primarily, and that games are a subgroup in this problem.
  11. Day 6, Thursday November 8th 2018Thoughts Spending a lot of time wasting time right now, thinking about doing things rather than doing them already, but I still did my art practice, changing subjects keeps it interesting. I am now starting to feel the addiction, how the hours might feel not long enough, how not getting the exact results I want from the hours doesn't satisfy me. These are all signs of an addiction and right now, this day, I feel like instead of just logging in to spend some time having fun, this is a drug I need the daily dosage of to feel okay. And this isn't okay. I need to work hard on filling my day with other things. TrackingCalories: Didn't countWater: 1000ml +Fitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: 1 hourReading: NoneGame time: 4 hoursPosture and speech: I'm working on it consciouslySleep quality: slept at 4am till 12pm cause of a health issue
  12. During my past attempts I spent a lot of time self loathing, blaming myself, hating myself for who I was, how I was. First of all, it doesn't help. Secondly, I wanna share with you that whichever emotional state you are in, I know that it's difficult to break free from it, that's why I too would linger in this state for hours or days and what it would do to me is I would end up thinking I can't do it, that I'm doomed, that I'm depressed etc. Recently I found out about how a change of emotional state is necessary to move on, and usually we look for this in other people, when we share our feelings with them we're subconsciously seeking that, for them to tell us something that will make us feel another way so that we can break free from how we feel at this time. If you look into it you'll find that what really happens is emotions change, or can change, really rapidly. Just like you can suddenly laugh with a joke or cry if you get hurt, emotions just come and go unless we choose to pay them all this attention. Acceptance of an emotion and agreement with it are also different things. You can accept that you felt bad in that moment, without agreeing that it's right and fair to yourself to feel bad. What helped me in this was recognizing how humans work in a chain of reactions. There's an event, then there's thoughts we produce because of it. Then based on each person's unique thoughts, they feel an emotion. And then based on that emotion they react to the event a certain way. We can't control our emotions, but what can we control? How we think about the event. I had the exact same problem myself, I couldn't let it go, I kept blaming myself and couldn't forgive and at one point someone from my family told me that it was my ego. And I was like what? How is this ego? And they told me well, you wanna think of yourself so high and mighty that you can't even make a mistake? I considered it. And I've had ego issues a lot of times in my life, didn't expect ego to mess with this too, but I think it is true. So what did I do? I accepted the following words like I would accept them for someone else. No, I'm not perfect and I'm not that amazing yet. I make mistakes, I'm human, I can do better if I try harder, but in order to do so I have to have me as an ally and to do that I have to love myself. If I love myself, I forgive myself and try again. What also helped me with this was reading the book the six pillars of self esteem.
  13. Day 5, Wednesday November 7th 2018Thoughts Tired, too much time spent outdoors cause of obligations.Still feel good to keep the schedule, though really need to sleep my eight hours or so.? TrackingCalories: Didn't countWater: 500ml +Fitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: NoneReading: NoneGame time: less than 4 hoursPosture and speech: I'm working on it consciouslySleep quality: Went to bed at 12:20, slept immediately once I left my mobile phone aside at 1am. Woke up at 9:40am, feeling rested and not like yesterday, yaaaay. I used to sleep only six hours tops before, cause my brain was hyper stimulated and prioritized getting that dopamine over the rest two hours of sleep. I'm happy to sleep right again.
  14. Day 3, Monday November 5th 2018 TrackingCalories: Did alright, not perfectWater: 2000mlFitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: 1.5 hour of drawing from reference picturesReading: NoneGame time: 4 hours and 15 minutesPosture and speech: Was conscious about both, spoke slower most of the timeSleep quality: I went to bed at 12:20 and stayed for an hour, then slept just fine till around 9:40am today. I am having trouble remembering things it seems, so I'll do today's journal in this same post and edit for some things in the morning. Day 4, Tuesday November 6th 2018 Thoughts Feels good to be consistent about the 4 hours of gaming. Spent most of today with family and loved ones, didn't do much else beyond that, but I feel really good about the start of doing art again, and motivated about it. Feels like the process itself is, at least for the moment, carrying me with it in its flow. I feel good about myself and being in control. TrackingCalories: Didn't countWater: 1000ml+Fitness: NoneWork: NoneArt practice: NoneReading: NoneGame time: 4 hours and 8 minutesPosture and speech: Was conscious about it, fixed posture like 2 times, spoke slower most of the time while I had some long discussions with family.Sleep quality: Went to bed at the right time BUT stayed up talking to friends for a couple of hours. Only got around 6 hours of sleep. Gotta be more disciplined.
  15. Day 2, Sunday November 4th 2018 Thoughts By limiting the time I game to specific hours in the evening (which in my mind registers as "after you've done all the actually important things") I notice myself being more present in the situations of my life, like being more engaged in conversations because frankly I am not multitasking 24/7. By having those 4 hours of gaming at the end of the day, I also noticed the escapism part very strongly, because when that time approached I was feeling eager for it. Eager for what? For checking out, for not being present, for avoiding responsibilities. I am so used to this detaching from everything and everyone around me and just being in this mode of caring only for this one thing. And I think escapism is rooted in the fear of not being good enough to be able to tackle whatever little or much life has to throw at you. Note to self: Boost self-esteem. In the past when I tried gaming in moderation I would spend my whole day in this state of eagerness and impatience for the evening to arrive so I could game, and I know that that set me up for failure. I read on reddit something very useful, about whether someone can enjoy playing games or whether they are hooked on it: if you stop thinking about the game when you shut it down, it does not affect your life beyond what watching a series or a movie does. And this is what I did wrong the previous times, I might have limited the time I played before but I had not turned the thoughts about games off, I was mentally still there through out the day and I was also lingering in that state of self pity and depression about it. How do I avoid this? Doing things and engaging mentally with them. I found anatomy references and picked up my pen to draw. I had been thinking about it for hours but delayed the actual decision, I read this as avoiding getting out of my comfort zone. This is the same thing that is, for now, holding me back from doing the few things I need to do in order to start getting fitter. These are small things, small preparations and it's lame that I'm used to doing nothing at all, and unhealthy, but I will make it. I still have not gotten to the part of planning my day beforehand, I should do this. I will do this today (Monday). Writing the journal is helping me the same way having a counselor helped me, there is someone, or multiple someones, or the idea of someone that I have to be accountable towards. Also, writing works for me. When I write things down I have to pause, think about what I am writing, process things in order to choose the words to use and that makes my thoughts tidier as well. My thinking is too fast, too chaotic and I usually think multiple things at the same time. When in a bad state I also think and feel multiple things at the same time and speaking them out might be frustrating, but writing them not so much. TrackingCalories: Did well up to lunch, then ordered a sandwich which I can't track but it was surely over the calories count. It would have been alright if I hadn't consumed like 3 cups of sodas.Water: 1000 ml +Fitness: NoneNote to self: Don't drink sodas, at all. Drink water, save the calories for actual food. Work: NoneArt practice: 1 hour of drawing from reference picturesReading: NoneGame time: 4 hours and 2 minutesPosture and speech: Was conscious about both, spoke slower a few times, fixed my posture maybe one timeSleep quality: I went to bed at 12:15 but kept chatting with a friend about games till 1.45 am, when I slept. On Monday I woke up at 9:55 am and got up within 20 minutes. I read this yesterday before I fell asleep and it gave me a boost to not stay in bed on my phone today. Thank you Matt.
  16. Day 1, Saturday November 3rd 2018 I spent a big chunk of the day feeling bad, crying, processing my feelings and researching. I read/watched a lot of material on this whole thing and thought about what options I have and what I want to do. Tracking Calories: Did well up to lunch, then had 6 slices of pizza for dinner. Water: Didn't track it Fitness: None Work: None Art practice: None Reading: None Game time: 4 hours and 3 minutes Posture and speech: No progress Sleep quality: I went to bed at 12:15 but kept chatting with a friend about games till 1 am, when I slept. On Sunday I woke up at 8 am, then slept again till 10:30 am. Stayed in bed for 1.5 hour before getting up. Not sure if it is a good idea to do this the next day, will see how it goes. Monitoring how I felt about gaming: When I got online to game, at first I felt anxious and hyped, stressed and panicked sort of, all at the same time. I think what was going on inside my mind was, am I doing the right thing? Should I even be here, or is this a step backward? And I stayed with those feelings and maybe after thirty minutes they slowly dissipated. The reason I felt that way, I think, is because getting online equals one more thing to be accountable for and I realized that when I logged in I wasn't actually feeling like gaming, cause I was primarily stressed about it being this big evil in my life, right? But because I want to replace those feelings (cause every other time I've tried it I went cold turkey, I could never do moderation) and I want to see it as just another activity, I stayed and I played, then when the time came for me to log off I logged off and went to bed. I actually wrote down my feelings on paper at the time, or I would not be able to remember them now as well as I do.
  17. The start I have been gaming for the last ten years of my life, more or less. I've quit and I've gone back at least once every year and my mental and physical health, relationships with loved ones, professional life all have taken a hit because of this. Before I start the everyday summary and review of each day, I'll take the time to write down all my thoughts, all my notes, all my goals and desires I have for myself, a text that I can go back to when I need a reminder of why I am doing this and what I should do if I feel lost. A way to keep myself in check and not lose track. Aside from low self-esteem and respect from all the times I've seen myself get hooked, then try to leave, then go back to a lot of times do worse, gaming habits have also given me weight, from staying up, eating at night, not sleeping well, not eating right. So I'll start the goals list with losing this weight and getting fitter. I would like to go back down to an average weight, build up my stamina and look slimmer and younger. An overweight body makes me look older and I don't want that. What I really want is to look at least as young as I am, to look healthy as well. To be healthy. This goal has subgoals; drink the right amount of water, consume the right amount of calories, do the couch-to-2k program, to start with. I have my fitness pal to help me with the first two, and I have the app for the third. So, I have the tools to start doing this one. What made me go back to games the previous times was that I was not ready, was not decisive enough to try and replace games with other activities. I knew I should do it, but I didn't put in the effort. I binge-watched series, movies, YouTube and Twitch, basically numbing myself/killing time. I did not cover any of the needs games covered for me, and for me I think all the four things Cameron has stated apply. More specifically, I feel a sense of belonging in the community, I feel admired and praised for my skill, I have people that I share this interest with and that I talk with about said interest, I have the drive to always do more and get better in it. But I know that I can find these things in other activities, have the variety I so desperately need in life by having multiple hobbies instead of just one, and feel less trapped in it as a result. One of the things I have started and put on pause many times is art: 2d art, 3d art, I do it all and although I do it in patches of time instead of consistently, I know of daily and weekly challenges, of ways to keep myself interested and in the flow regarding a skill that I would like to be good at. I would like to be good enough in art so that people commission me to draw their characters for them, I would like to be good enough in art so that I can proudly share my sketches with people online, have an audience that likes what I create. So that's one more goal and these are ways to go about it. Beyond art, I could get back into reading. I used to read a book every night before I fell asleep with it as a teenager. Those were fiction books, novels, and in previous attempts at changing my gaming habits I've bought a few books to read from self-development to fiction, but I've only gotten far enough with one and even that one I haven't finished. I am not sure where I'd like this habit to be, but it makes sense that maybe after I am done with my gaming in the evening, I pick up whichever book I want and relax with it in my hands as I lie down in bed.This is a resting activity, according to Cameron.I am also thinking of combining books in audio format with the fitness goals, not necessarily couch-to-2k because to do that you have to keep the app on your phone and listen to the digital coach, not some audio book, but I could listen to an audio-book if I do other fitness, I guess. Or I could listen to an audio-book when I lie down in bed, so I don't have to worry about having a light on in the room, or falling asleep on the book. As I stated in my raw introduction post, I do not intend to never play again, nor have I put a goal of abstinence from games. My goal is to only game four hours a day maximum, keep an eye on my mood before, during and after it, keep an eye on whether it's affecting my thoughts, my decisions and my emotions outside of those four hours and if needed, re-evaluate it with time. I will be monitoring those feelings to keep myself in check and see if it is working for me. I do not know whether this has anything to do with gaming, but I have the gut feeling it is related with my lifestyle (which is heavily affected by playing games all day and night, so here goes): My posture is bad and my words come too fast out of my mouth, which ends up making me have to repeat myself to people a lot of times. It's two things I want to correct about myself, posture and speaking clearer and slower, so I'm just writing these down here as well to not lose sight of them. Here, this journal in and of itself is a goal for me. To write this is to maintain a habit consistently everyday, so this is included too. I'll be keeping track of it too. Without giving details, I'd like to work more hours being focused, include more variety in it and more creativity in it. This is another goal. Sleep. This is one of the things that have suffered the most through the years and is the reason why my days are so sluggish all the time. I will soon write my first journal entry, but the goal is to sleep right, not less, not more than necessary. Ideas for hobbies: Song writing, music composing (I would love to know how, I don't know where to start just yet), guitar playing, fiction writing.
  18. It's 4.30am. I put my head on the pillow but my heart is beating fast and I need to make an effort to breathe properly. It's all in my head, really, humans breathe without effort, but I'm so stressed, afraid that I'll faint, that I have to monitor even my breathing. Why am I awake? If only I had gone to sleep when I was actually feeling sleepy at 12, or 1-2am. But I didn't, I pushed through that to game a little more, and now I need to get up and try and get all the stress out, lie back down and get back up multiple times, until I somehow end up asleep without even remembering it the next morning. The same thing happened exactly a week ago, that's when I said to myself that I'll only game in the evenings, but I stayed up almost as many times as I stuck to the right sleeping schedule. Today I cried and cried again cause I read all these forum posts from other people who struggle and while nothing shocked or surprised me given I've tried quitting multiple times in the past, some of it resonated deeper with me. I wasn't ready to admit that I was also escaping from something before, but now I am. I knew deep inside that ever since I was a teenager I was numbing myself through various activities, avoiding that feeling of emptiness. Back then it crept up to me when I shut down my computer and said goodnight to my online friends. Without that communication, I felt empty. After that I started gaming and when I shut down my computer I would think about the game. Later on I didn't care about shutting down the computer cause hey, smartphones, I can continue talking to my friends about the game from my bed - and end up sleeping 2 to 5 hours later than I initially planned. A few days ago I did it again, like multiple times before: Stopped gaming at 3am and kept on chatting with my friends till 8am. The next day I was physically and emotionally wrecked, feeling regret. Why can I not be normal? Why do I have to be like this? Why am I not motivated to work? Why do I not have dreams? What do I really want from my life? Gaming has been the real culprit behind multiple problems in my life, which I guess I'll get into describing in my journal, but to name a few social anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, panic attacks, rock-bottom self-esteem, most of which I've gotten over but never without an intervention to the gaming. When gaming stopped, the problems stopped. And now once more as the gaming has increased, some of those problems are creeping back up on me again. During the past week I've been thinking of quitting again and today I decided to commit to doing something different, by starting and being consistent in continuing writing down my progress here on this forum. I am not yet ready to give up all the gaming hours completely, not today, I feel it's important I state this here, although all the evidence says I should be quitting cold turkey I can't go through it yet, give up on the friends yet, and whatever minor responsibilities I might have in the gaming community. But I'm ready to write this, dig in my feelings and cut the time I spend gaming on my computer to something like 4. I've quit before and I know a lot about what to expect from the process, but I'm aware this isn't going to make it any easier. So hello fellow struggling people of the world, thank you all for sharing your experiences here. Let's get healthier together. Dump of notes to myself from all the content I've watched on this today: Apply the just do it mentality. I will be bored out of my mind if I don't do the replacement of time with hobbies, work, fitness and socializing. Plan. Stick to it. Delay gratification.Feel accomplished and in control. When I feel in control, I no longer feel shame, regret and guilt. Reducing the gaming time is probably like shooting myself in the leg. I should e aware of what's going on in my brain before, during and after. Keep asking myself what I am avoiding. Accept I've been lazy and avoiding simple realities of life for the biggest part of my conscious, adult life. Remind myself of all my achievements and potential.