NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Silverlining
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Posts posted by Silverlining
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On 5/4/2019 at 10:45 AM, BooksandTrees said:
I'm 28 weeks free of gaming and 2 weeks free of porn now.
Some major changes have occurred over the past few weeks. I decided to look for an apartment, but hated every apartment I saw. They were all terrible and I would have been miserable living with frustrating neighbors and an uninspiring building. They were also super expensive because my part of the country is expensive and because of the housing market all land lords are raising their rents considerably with the market.
I also had the chance to buy my dream condo. It had everything I wanted: a finished basement with an entertainment center, remodeled bathrooms, 2 huge bedrooms, ready to move in, great kitchen and deck to relax in and cook. I could really see myself living there. I told my realtor that I needed it and we got all the paperwork ready. I then told about 8 friends how excited I was and was very tired. I went to take a nap, but I wanted to zone out a little and watch a YouTube video before napping. The first video I saw was the music video "Risk" by Metric. Like, really? I scroll down and the rest of the videos are about achieving my dreams in life and going after what I wanted.
I started to cry.
I didn't want to buy this condo. It would have meant I spend at least another 5 to 30 years there and the only way I could have paid off the mortgage would be to stay in engineering, get a part time job and another roommate, or rent out both bedrooms and not live there at all, which defeats the purpose and I'd only be profiting $200 per month off of the tenants after the gross monthly pay was finalized.
I then started to think about how unhappy I have become in the past 10 years. I've separated myself from my friends and family and have no feeling of meaning or purpose in life. I feel happy when I'm away from my career and with my friends and certain family members in an environment where I can work on my goals. I then met my friend and told her my story. She shared her story with me, which nearly mirrored my own except she had purchased that dream condo. She encouraged me to follow my dreams. She then made me meet her for a stand up comedy open mic night where I performed my first routine without any practice. I got a standing ovation and the biggest reception. The owner of the restaurant took me out for beer after and gave me his card. Other performers couldn't believe I've never practiced before and said I had a natural talent for comedy and storytelling. I was elated.
The next day I couldn't get the smile off of my face. I couldn't focus on work or anything. I felt happy for 2 days straight - something I've been searching for through porn and video games for decades. The day dragged on, though. I kept looking at the clock. Soon I would just take walks outside in our parking lot, day dreaming of my future if I worked on my goals and what steps I could take. It was my most unproductive week in months.
The next day I decided to give my boss my 2 weeks' notice. I was done with this for right now. My mom, friends, and family supported my decision after telling them everything. It was clear I have a direction I need to follow. I want to create my cartoon, write, and do my passion of comedic work. I also want to continue developing myself. I feel this journey will be the one where I learn how to love myself through constantly working for myself, being a friend to myself, learning to breathe and appreciate my life, and have a more positive mood. I want to support my dreams and myself. This is all attainable. I know it won't happen right away, but just the idea that I'll be embarking on this journey fills me with intention and purpose. I won't be doing other people's work anymore and I won't be in a sloth environment. I see my future and want it. But I also see the journey and am excited for it.
I'll keep people updated. This has been a very difficult journey for me, but I've known for years how unhappy I am and I was getting to a very volatile and turbulent state of mind and emotions. Such a frantic state could only be sustained for so long before a blowout. I love life too much for that. I will win and I will enjoy it.
Matt
WOW! I'm happy for you. You are very brave!
I quit my job a month ago. I will write more about what's going on in my life in about a week when I am less busy.
I wouldn't say that quitting my job made me immediately happy. In fact, for the first week, I was confused and stressed. But I have been better and I know for sure that quitting is the right decision.
A few tips learned from my own mistakes: 1) Do not stay home all day. Even if you are setting up a home office. It's a good idea to work a few hours in a cafe or a library or somewhere else every day. 2) It's helpful to set a quitting time every day that separates your work life from the other parts of your life.
And good luck!
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I'm so sorry to know that you might have BPD. On the other hand, I'm glad that you have the courage to analyze yourself and to face your problems.
GOOD LUCK!
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Day #150: 3/19/2019 Tuesday
I watched a video today and thought that it might be a good idea to share it here.
If you want to achieve your goals, don't focus on them
The general idea is that we should focus on the behavior to achieve a goal, instead of the goal itself. It's inspiring.
I keep a private journal to count the days. And today is Day 150.
I guess everything has been fine. Except that I am not as active as I used to be on this forum. I still read as many posts as I can and I will try to be helpful and supportive.
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Are you all right?
I have said this a few times, but you don't need to go to the gym to work out. Try some aerobics at home, like planks, push-ups. Or yoga. It only takes ten minutes to make you feel better.
I don't know much about porn addiction, but it sounds like you are going through some withdrawal symptoms.
Also, 2.5 hrs commuting per day is a lot. If you are taking a train then you can read and write while on it. But driving 2.5 hrs/day can be exhaustive for anyone.
That being said, life can be difficult but we don't have to feel depressed about it.
I hope you get better soon.
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10 hours ago, Lea said:
It's been great. There are ups and downs. A few days ago have been a valley, but now I am slowly climbing up again. How about you?
That's good to know ?
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It's been a while. How is it going?
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Maybe it will be helpful for you to take a vacation and just relax. Spend a few days away from this city and this colleague.
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You have been under a lot of stress. It's totally understandable.
Don't worry too much about it. ?
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12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I'm really starting to find out who I'm attracted to and it worries me. I tend to be attracted to the dainty, bubbly, cute woman who uses her cuteness in a sexy way. She might talk about herself, carries lots of energy, seems happy, just alluring altogether. I worry that most of those people are fake and just want my attention and to use me. I have dated women like this and they use me like crazy. I don't know why I keep going back to this personality type. It makes me feel incredible to support them. It's like I just yearn to support them and satisfy them in all ways possible. In my eyes it makes me feel romantic. Maybe I am blind to being used and just realizing it now?
Some of them might be fake but more likely that's just the way they are. Some people can use you intentionally, while some others can use you subconsciously. Some people can use you even if they like you, because they are immature, insecure or selfish. My point is, I think you need to focus on "you". Don't be afraid of "being used". As long as you take control, it's not a big deal. You can give whatever you want to give but at the same time, you need to make sure that you receive. "You" need to feel happy in a relationship. "You" need to feel supported and receive attention as well. If you don't feel that way, walk away and don't look back. Keep in mind that there are plenty of single women, and you only need to find one of them.
At the same time, I think it's a good idea to date different types of women. Maybe you will find out that you can be more comfortable with some other personality types. Maybe someone can become more charming once you know her very well -- some introverts are. Maybe they will help you understand yourself better. You are single. It's a privilege. Your next date is full of possibilities. It's exciting! Enjoy it!
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On 2/22/2019 at 6:05 PM, Deku said:
I'm actually not joking. It doesn't seem like much, but in a class without many points in the gradebook one exam can determine my entire grade for the semester. And if I can't even get an A in a medical class at state school, then I really don't feel like I'm strong enough to even think about competing for a spot in medical school.
Sorry for what I said. I think there is still a good chance for you to get an A. But for you, the chance is not good enough. You need it to be an A, 100%.
I understand. If I were in your position I would probably feel the same way.
I just want to say that high expectations could lead to too much stress on us. You set very high standards for yourself, which is a good thing, because we definitely want doctors with high standards for themselves. But there are a lot of important exams and challenges ahead of you. I just hope that you could take it easy.
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I totally understand your frustration about dating. A few years ago when I was single, I had exactly the same problem.
What I am saying is that there are plenty of single women out there who are just like you and who want the same thing for a relationship, and who keep failing because of this modern world.
I guess the real problem is how to meet them and how to really get to know them.
Dating apps and bars might not be the best places to find a soul mate. Hobby clubs might be better. And friends' friends, colleagues' friends, etc.
Well, I met my husband in an mmorpg so that's not helpful information. (It's a rare case. And the fact that we ended up with each other has little to do with that game.) I guess love can happen anywhere after all.
You can keep asking yourself about what your ideal partner looks like to decide what you should do on a date. e.g. if you want her to be supportive with your career decisions, you need to find out her opinions about career and money; if you want her to agree with you on your future kids' education, you need to learn more about her parents and her childhood. It might be painful and requires a lot of patience to find true love, but it will be worth the wait.
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On 2/20/2019 at 8:19 PM, BooksandTrees said:
I also overcame a bit of embarrassment at the gym because the workout plan I needed to do required me to do very aerobic exercises in front of people. I switched the workout and still went. I also noticed 5 people doing similar exercises that I was embarrassed about and it made me realize nobody cares what you're doing at the gym as long as you're not being a prick. This was big for me. Today I went there and just did the workout and nobody cared. I wasn't embarrassed. I was happy. The gym has really been beneficial to me these past 2 weeks.
I feel embarrassed at the gym, too. So most of the time I only use the elliptical there, and do yoga and aerobics only at home. But my gym is a very small one, so it might be different...
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On 2/21/2019 at 4:25 PM, Deku said:
Yikes, that exam did not go well. From self correcting I know I got at least 5 or 6 out of the 70 multiple choice questions wrong. It's a bit frustrating because I could have and should have done a lot better, but my train of thought literally imploded on some of the more difficult questions. Ah well. I guess I can still be a scientist if the med school dreams don't pan out.
You are joking, right? One (mid-term?) exam can't decide whether you are going to medical school. And if you got 91% correct, it shouldn't be a bad grade anyway.
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Ugh.
I'm supposed to be excited about this new opportunity at work, but I am not.
I start to deal with the new manager, and I doubt that some of his trades are unethical. He admitted his mistake and said that it was nothing more than a model error. I hope that he is telling the truth because my career will be largely depended on him.
Everything else is fine. Except that I still need to fight with my migraines from time to time.
I have found an online group for people who are taking the same exam with me this May. It's very inactive though. Maybe they are just too busy studying.
I have also been chatting with a close friend a lot recently. We are not in the same city or time zone, so we can't get together. But it's still nice.
BTW today is my Day 122.
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1 hour ago, BooksandTrees said:
I'm trying, but I get in these situations at work where the project I'm doing is so difficult and has a tight budget. So I feel stupid, slow, then pressured because I'm wasting time and money. Then it looks bad on me and I might not get a good review. It's just a heavy guilty conscience and apparently it's for no reason at all.
I get this failure feeling and I'd feel ignorant and entitled if I just said oh, I'm struggling, I will just take a breather. It makes me feel selfish for not going 100% all of the time. I understand what you're saying, but I just have a very heavy work ethic and I feel like a slacker if I give myself a break because I'm not putting the company first when they're paying me. I'd be putting myself first and I struggle with that.
Take it easy. You are not a computer. As a human being, you are expected to take breaks. This is the way how the brain works. And your company and boss know that. They expect their employees to have ups and downs, it's a part of risk control.
Also when you are stuck at a problem, it is advised by neuroscientists that you should shift your mind to something else, to meditate, or to exercise.
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On 1/28/2019 at 11:26 PM, JPAO said:
I have 3 alarm clocks set up around the basement in completely different locations haha
We could totally try and build this lmao
Some company needs to manufacture this
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5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
I'm really getting sick and tired of people who think they're important and carry around this air about them where they think they're a gift to humanity.
Like Sheldon Cooper?
I thought those people are the laughing stocks in daily life.
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You did all those things within 8 hours? That's amazing!
Could we see your cartoon when it's done?
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@fawn_xoxo @BooksandTrees Thank you guys! So helpful as always!
I have some ideas now about making new friends but it will take time. I think it is easier to start with looking for study buddies who are taking the same exam with me, and then hobby clubs when I have more time.
I'll keep you updated ?
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17 hours ago, Deku said:
30 pages is a sh*tton! You should be more proud!
Thanks ? The chapter was an easy one so I had expected to do more.
12 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I understand how you miss the gaming community. It's so strange. It's like leaving a country you lived in. The culture, jokes, stories, people, games, everything. Now you're on your own and it's tough. Stay strong through this process because with the hard work you're putting in you'll be better at finding another few communities that will make you feel whole again.
I'm not even sure if it's the right thing to do. My gaming community consists mostly of women. Men play the game, too, but somehow they belong to a whole different society. And they talk about stats, battleground, etc. while in the women's community, we would talk about all kinds of stuff. Work, movies, food, dresses, makeups, men and babies. It was like a women's support group for me. But of course, they would also talk about the game, which is a subject that I should avoid.
I don't know where to find such a group to replace them. I had groups of girl friends when I was in school, but we drift apart after graduation. I work in a small company in a male-dominated industry. I still have some very good friends, but they don't know each other. In my early twenties, I would try to introduce my friends to one another, but somehow it seems that they don't end up to be friends. So I stopped trying eventually.
Actually I tried to join an online trying-to-conceive community a few days ago, but it was too depressive for me. So I ran away.
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I read 30 pages of my text book tonight and did some drawing. Hopefully I will do better tomorrow.
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Day #108: 2/5/2019 Tuesday
It's been a while. The past week hasn't been easy for me. We live in Chicago and the polar vortex hit us hard. And I don't like the cold. I missed my period and went to see an ob and it turned out that I was not pregnant -- which is normal but somehow I have been feeling depressed about it.
We moved to this new apt and my husband depended on me to organize everything. He helped, of course, but it felt like I was a project manager and he was working for me, so I had to give him instructions constantly. Very tiring.
We also hosted a party to invite friends over to our new apt. It was fun and a lot of work.
The new project at work is about to get started, and it turns out that I have to pass a test to join the team. I took the test and I don't know the result yet. If anything goes wrong, I will lose this opportunity and I should be prepared for it emotionally.
And I missed my friends from the game that I played. I talked with them to learn about how their lives were going. I care about them. When I initiate the communication, I can feel that they like me and they miss me. We talk about our lives, instead of the game, like real friends. It seems that I can't delete them from my life. One of my gaming friends quit. She has been troubled by procrastination. And I introduced Pomodoro technique to her. That's the bright side.
On the other hand, I do feel a strong urge to return to the game community. Besides talking with my gaming friends, I also spent a few hours on gaming forums. I don't real want to play that game per se, but I miss the feeling to be among a group of people who know me and like me. And I don't know what to do about it.
Another problem is that I haven't studied for my exam. Besides all the chores and talking with my old friends, I also have spent quite some time watching TV shows and haven't read a page from my text book since last Tuesday. I have to postpone my plan for a whole week. This has to stop. I'll study this evening after work and will update later.
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I don't like the cold weather either. I wrote a little bit and meant to reply to you here but then realized that I shouldn't vent in your journal with all those negative emotions. I'll post it in my journal.
I have always wanted to move to California. Or Florida.
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On 1/27/2019 at 2:37 AM, fawn_xoxo said:
I think that no games, healthy foods and dropping weight are a more than enough combination of challenges on their own, and that I shouldn't feel guilty I'm not doing art in my free time right now. What do you think, reader? Should I try harder?
I agree with you. You have been making major progresses. Take it slow, enjoy life. You don't need to take further steps until you feel comfortable to.
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Every day is a new day
in Daily Journals
Posted
OMG it's been a while!
It's like what people say, the days are long but the years are short.
I'm now a confident mom with a heathy and happy 6-month baby boy!
There is a lot that I want to talk about, but I have to make it short here while my little one is taking a nap.
I have turned my life around. Now I know that game quitting is never about games. It's about EVERYTHING but games. It's about LOVE.
When I have things to fight for in my real life, nothing stands in the way. I love my son so much that I would not let him down.
But the changes actually started before my pregnancy. At one point, I stopped beating myself up. It's something that I have been working towards ever since I quit games, and after tons of journals and self-analysis and long talks with my dear husband, I finally did it. I started to appreciate people more than ever. I feel more connected with my family and friends now. I appreciate everything that everyone has done for me. Moreover, I appreciate all the efforts that I have been making to make my life better. I LOVE MYSELF now. And it makes a huge difference.
I have also joined a support group for new moms since pregnancy. I made a lot of friends there so that I no longer need my old "friends" from mmorpgs. And these are real friends who care about me and my family, and they make me a better person.
There are still a lot of challenges in the future. I need to get a job when COVID is out of the picture, and I need to prepare myself for it. I still have a lot to learn to be a good mother. I want to my son to be confident and happy and full of love so that he won't get addicted to drugs, alcohol, games or anything horrible. I know these won't be easy. But I am confident now.
Baby waking up so I have to go.
Best wishes to all of you!