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BooksandTrees
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On 12/8/2018 at 8:59 PM, Silverlining said:
Day 49: 12/8/2018 Saturday
They say that in a near-death experience, people could have memory flashbacks through their whole life, and they would accept all their past decisions and understand who they really are.
I've never had a near-death experience. But I may have experienced similar memory flashbacks.
Thursday night, my husband and I were having this conversation, and somehow we started to talk about life back in college. That was the moment when I started to recall my troubled, depressed, struggling life in college. I realized that for the past few years, I had buried those memories so deep. I didn't even dare to look at my transcript from college for once after graduation, until today. I do think about college from time to time, but only the good times -- my subconsciousness had hidden those bad moments so well: the finals, the grades, the anxiety, stress, shame and guilt. How I spent days and nights binge watching TV shows and anime series before I got into gaming. How I stared at the books without reading a line on the days that I was dragged to the library by my friends. How I prioritized gaming over study, thesis and friendship. I felt inferior the whole time. On the other hand, I tried to look as confident as I could. I was socially active. I had a lot of friends. I was even kind of popular. I believe few of my friends from college knew how bad my grades were. And I was exhausted living this double life.
When I started to go through these fragments of memories, I felt pain and remorse. But later on, I felt relieved. I understood why I made all those bad choices. And that's OK. I'm not the same person any more.
So I decide that I want to study Real Analysis again, the first course that gave me a hard time. I want to find out if it is just too difficult for me to ever understand, or did I give up too early.
This is important in your healing process. I'm sorry you have to experience these emotions. A lot of the community members here suffered through some sort of abuse, troubled past, or stressful events, which lead us into these addictive habits such as gaming, anime, TV bingeing, porn, YouTube marathons, and reddit surfing. It's just an easy place to escape to and it suits our emotional needs so well, but only temporarily. Hopefully your progress will lead you to long term happiness and growth. It just so happens that we always need to keep reminding ourselves of why we're on this mission to heal in the first place and keeping our goals in front of us. Implementing our goals is the hardest thing. Good luck.
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It's good that you're strong in your faith and have a nice community around you. Keep sticking with it and do your thing. I feel your frustration, as you mentioned in my forum page. I think there's some sort of higher level problem where we need to change our routines and maybe key parts of the routines to make life a more fulfilling environment for us to live in. I have been thinking about this for so long and change is difficult. We just need to keep taking the steps toward improvement and taking time to understand ourselves. If we can keep doing this more doors will open for us to walk through. We don't need to stay in that room. We can be curious and inquire about life and explore it. It's still more exciting and risky than an open world game.
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7 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
You are trying to combine logic with emotion, that doesn't really work like that xD You feel how you feel. Do you know what makes you unhappy? If you find the reason you are unhappy, can you change the circumstances? There's a time to stop and feel your feelings, but if the feelings persist it means you have to take action and do differently. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes. The answers are within you, you have to ask yourself. Is it that you need a better schedule? Is it that you need to take hobbies slower? Again, treat yourself like you would treat a friend or family member, not harsher. You're the only one responsible with loving and taking care of yourself, so don't forget to do that.
I decided to change my routine up and I'm just gonna stick with it. I got to work 2 hours before I normally do today because I was tired of wasting my time. If I keep this up then I'll hopefully have more time and energy to work on my real passion in life. Maybe this can lead to happiness? It's worth a try. If I can build and evolve my structure to adapt to the happiness and freedom I need then I will feel better. Ld just having a routine, getting proper sleep, and a schedule will improve my mood regardless.
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7 hours ago, padreman said:
Sorry, I hope I'm not hijacking your journal. I just want to thank you for your words. And know that you are not alone.
I shouldn't have exploded on here, but I think it's just raw frustration. I worked so hard to get to where I am with my life and I'm just let down by it consistently. I really hope to prevail here and make my dreams come true. I'm proud of you for quitting and sharing your feelings. I know it's so debilitating knowing you only got a handful of minutes to yourself it feels.
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I sometimes have days where I ask myself what's the point? I dislike a lot of my life and it leads to certain unhappiness. I think I loved gaming so much over the past 2 years because it let me live. I feel like I get trapped in my current life and just wish i could go home and play games, be myself, meet people online, and just escape it all. But after a month or two of it I just get so depressed because I'm repeating the cycle. If I had to repeat this until I died I'd freak out. So I freak out.
I haven't played in over 7 weeks during this stint, but it's still coming with different challenges each week. There's weeks like this one where I'm tired and get depressed after work. I'm not happy some days and it's just hard to be happy all of a sudden when I get home. So I just sit and stay unhappy because if I just be happy out of no where then it means I wasn't happy for no reason during the day. It also feels like a dumb trade off to be unhappy for 12 hours and then be happy for 3 or 4 hours and feel like, oh, i should go to bed now that I'm full of life.
This makes me want to give up on a lot of endeavors of mine, but I realize it's something where I just need to keep going. If I start finding a passion in life outside of work then I'll look forward to the day more often. It's just a daily reminder that if I get the crap out of the way and keep moving forward then I'll eventually find this desire for life and to live and be myself. It's just tough because I'm extroverted and need to keep putting myself out there, keep pushing myself, socializing, and getting my goals done. I just get so swayed by the thoughts of giving up because it's easier. Just gotta stay strong.
I think I'm just upset because I knew that I was tired and frustrated after work. I just wanted to sleep. I'm angry that I didn't have the energy or desire to work on my podcast that I wanted to post today. Instead, I complained for 2 hours and then cooked and ate dinner. And of fucking course I'm full of energy now and fully awake. WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It pisses me the fuck off. I'm so tired of this fucking shit. I'm tired of being fucking exhausted after work and then filled with energy before I fucking go to bed, not sleep well, wake up, fucking snooze my fucking alarm clock, go to work late, leave work late, and repeat the fucking cycle since I don't play fucking play video games anymore. This pisses me off so fucking much. FUCK. I just want to work on my hobbies now until midnight or something and I know I should go to bed. I hate leaving work late because I get super tired after 3 PM. I'm so unproductive at that time. Fuck. I just sit there all day getting depressed and angry, then I'm exhausted and don't have the desire to do anything. I'm tired of getting 1-2 hours a day of MILD happiness and then I go to bed. This is why I turn to fucking video games and porn during depression. It's fucking weak.
How the fuck do I get over this exhaustion after work? It's killing me. I'm seriously getting very depressed. It's unbearable some days.
Matt
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Staying determined through your frustration can be difficult, especially when you are feeling defeated. It's important to remember how frustrated you were with gaming and old habits when you're at that point of breaking. It's like going back to yourself when you first wanted to quit gaming and tell them life hasn't been terrible without it and you've been very strong along the past few weeks without gaming. Just keep reminding yourself that and keep treating yourself well.
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I'm 7 weeks free of gaming now. I'm starting to invest in my hobbies again. I was starting to only spend my spare time seeing friends after work or on weekends, but this has really exhausted me. I am an extrovert and feel better when I'm around people, but I really do feel better when I get something accomplished. I'm currently not doing that and it is wearing on me. The good news is that I've been focusing on my podcast again and will record it today or tomorrow and will publish it on Monday. I missed talking about hockey and really want to get back into something productive on that front.
Another thing I've been focusing on lately is talking to family members. I kind of ignored them for years due to personal reasons from my childhood that I can't talk about, but I have felt better staying connected with them and figure I'll talk to them like once a month or something to stay in touch. I miss my sense of family and belonging and think it's an important thing to have. I'm still having trouble staying self disciplined with other bad habits and it is frustrating to me, but I just remember how difficult gaming was for me to quit at first and now I have to repeat that with other bad habits. It can be kind of demoralizing.
Matt
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I bought a few online classes with some help by @fawn_xoxo and her recommendation. I bought Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, Premiere, and a cartoon drawing class. I also bought a stress management class. These were all on sale for over 90% off so I actually didn't spend much money. I like that they're structured in a classroom format because it gives me some time to dedicate to my hobbies after work.
One of the things I struggle with in my new hobbies is getting started. It reminds me of college and engineering school. I knew I had to learn all of this crap and started panicking, but I couldn't learn most of it unless I learned the basics first and spend the years developing my skills. So I'm going to do that here. This will teach me discipline, give me a structured portion of my day outside of work, and get me excited to work on my hobbies. If things go well then I'll continue to produce my cartoon again, write my book, and continue my hockey podcast.
The stress management class has been nice for me to recognize my goals and then be more forgiving. I think with this class, professional therapy, and this online community I'll make great strides.
Matt
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On 11/30/2018 at 1:36 AM, fawn_xoxo said:
I have been thinking about my online friends and how the ones I thought were the best ones haven't spoken to me at all through out this time, all these days, no word from them. And I feel bitter about it. I recognize and accept this feeling, but it sucks to see a bad truth. Sucks that they don't care about me as a person at all. Sucks that they told me how they valued me, that I had honest conversations about real life with them, mostly about their lives too, but now that I'm not in the game they haven't thought of sending me a message to see how I'm doing. For anyone reading this, no I'm not asking for attention via my absence. I just had a couple of people I thought were friends with me as person to person, not gamer to gamer, and I've been let down by them before, but I guess the disappointment is saying I was hoping they'd be better now that we solved some past issues.
Here's the thing most people will agree with you on. I mentioned this in my forum thread as well. These people are not real friends. They are selfish, depressed, and want you to be with them so they can feel comfortable gaming and ignore the hard facts that gaming is bad for you. It's like an alcoholic telling you to join them at the bar because it's so great. Then when you stop drinking they forget about you. Similar to a drug addict spending time with you during your drug episodes and then forgetting about you when you get clean. These people are sick and don't care. We get so caught up with social media and gaming communities where you have X amount of friends. You feel better because you can turn to any number of these people and just shoot the shit with them and go back to your gaming afterwards. This isn't how real friendship works. You have to commit hours to them and they commit to you as well. If it's one sided then it's not real.
I learned that once I quit gaming I lost dozens of "friends" who don't check in on me or ask what I'm doing. In fact, they get offended that I quit gaming and think gaming is bad. They feel insulted and inferior that I quit gaming and resent me for it. They're pathetic. Your friends should inspire you and be inspired by you. Real friendship is when someone loves you as a friend and is there for you. You both have impacted each other emotionally in a tangible way. Not some bull shit gaming way where they carried you in a game, etc. They are there for you when you're struggling AND when you're succeeding. Never forget this. I put so much effort into my friends and it's never reciprocated. Only a handful really give back anything.
Matt
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8 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
We've spoken about things like these a lot but I'm still going to post here to suggest a few very useful books. It's my opinion that you have to put in the mental work to get results in your mental health and that's both education and practice.
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/79352.Six_Pillars_of_Self_Esteem
Mind over mood: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/108380.Mind_Over_Mood
You're doing great, keep up the introspection and the good efforts man!
I know we talked about it earlier this week. I've just been working 60 hours and not able to complete this by then. I mentioned in here how it is important for me to create a schedule to follow and with me moving an hour away from work instead of 5 minutes then I lose 2 hours in the day. So creating something to depend on during this time to work on myself is important. I'm also a firm believer in doing the correct research on myself and understanding myself before looking at these speeches and stuff. I'm more writing down my findings here and trying to understand how my moods are caused instead of treating the symptoms right away. So it will take me some time and I just need to keep learning right now. I'm working extremely hard at this whole balancing a difficult life and that's why I wrote why it's important for me to understand the benefits of relaxing and to understand the best ways for myself to healthily relax. I can't always be all or nothing on things because if I don't have the energy to be 100% on self improvement then I'll give up. I did this in the past too many times. It's important to forgive myself for doing small things to improve my life instead of criticizing myself for not doing great things to improve my life all of the time.
My approach just needs to be more methodical and calculated first. I'm learning. Thank you for the time and insight along with my progress.
Matt
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So it has been a week and I really think I do better in life when I subtly plan things out for certain days, but allow myself some time to just relax on other days. It's difficult to find the right balance. If I plan too much during the week I get pissed off because I want to work on productive hobbies. If I give myself too much time, I think about how exhausting it would be to work on this hobby for 15 hours and just get lazy and depressed and watch tv or play games. Then I get angry at myself for wasting time.
I was reading about my personality type (ENTJ-T) and it said that people with my personality type really enjoy hobbies and activities that are productive. This makes sense to me. I really enjoy working on projects with friends or alone. This can include playing a competitive sport to advance in a league and not just playing for the hell of it. I don't really just enjoy playing a casual sport. This is why I enjoyed playing competitive video games. I'd much rather play Overwatch or NHL instead of a single player Mario game that is just casual. I don't really enjoy relaxing in that sense. Even relaxing hobbies need to be productive. I'd rather watch a TV series that stimulates my thoughts or read a book and advance the story at a nice pace. I like to exercise to improve myself permanently and not just to move.
This is why I get so hard on myself during these tough nights. I come home from work mentally exhausted and don't want to work on anything. Then I get very angry at myself for not working on things. If I just watch a mindless show or play a game I start to berate myself for wasting time. I wish I could cut myself slack. It's like I fear my life is going nowhere and I need to be productive 100% of the time or I'll die without doing anything important. The funny thing is I'm designing bridges across the country and it's improving the lives of hundreds of thousands of people who are now driving on new and safe infrastructure instead of old and unsafe infrastructure. I don't even take pride in it. One of my goals this winter is to come up with a way to be more proud of the work I do and appreciate how hard I worked to get to this point in my life. It's easy to forget about this when I'm constantly occupying myself with endless goals.
From quitting video games, I've been experimenting with things. I learned that I feel more restored when I'm with a group of people, but it's not always comforting to constantly be putting myself out there alone and pushing my comfort zone all of the time. I think it's good to push my comfort zone, but it's not healthy to just keep expanding it daily/weekly. It's important to pace myself. It's another form of moderation like the hobbies I mentioned in the first paragraph. It's hard to game in moderation and I don't think I can do it since I keep failing. But I do think it's possible and important to see things in moderation no matter what. This will hopefully make me happier in general. I am glad I'm putting myself out there and experimenting, but I also realize I need to pace myself with that as well. Having the mindset of "I don't play video games anymore and need to occupy all of my free time with excelling at new hobbies, and becoming a genius in other avenues is not realistic at all and is in fact exhausting and unfair to my self esteem. That self esteem eventually dissipates and I get depressed. I remember the fun times I had gaming and the success I had with it and will turn to games to pick myself up. It works for a few days and then I just play non stop, get a foggy head due to dopamine rushes, and then feel depressed and sick again. This is why I think I can't have a successful campaign with quitting games until I resolve these self esteem and lifestyle issues. I'm learning more and more each day, but it's important to keep being real and forgiving with myself and not forget what I'm writing.
Matt
P.S. I'm 6 weeks free of gaming.
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Welcome to the forums and good luck with your journey. Feel free to read other people's daily logs from time to time to see how your peers are handling stress and the challenges of our new lives.
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Thanks. I've just been debating why I should even pursue these things because I'm focused on a bigger reason for things. Like a larger sense of purpose. I'm not suicidal or anything so don't get scared by that sentence. I just mean I feel kind of meaningless with my every day activities and believe I should be doing other things.
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I feel like I've taken a major step back these past few days. I was on vacation the past 3 days and all I've done is watch this TV show. I did stuff on Thanksgiving and saw a friend each day for a bit, but I just didn't really do anything productive. I paid my bills, did my laundry, and got my errands completed, but just nothing hobby related.
Now I sit here with that same dopamine headache that I got from video games or porn or something. It sucks. I just feel so drained and frustrated about it. It is getting better with more water and rest, but I think I fell into this again because the show was so addicting to watch. It's also been like 10 degrees all week and very cold. I hate the cold and don't want to go outside and my room is damn cold as well. I've been mentally drained because of work and just didn't really feel like doing anything.
That's hard for me some days or weeks. I just wake up and don't have energy or that fire to do anything that I want to do. I didn't cave in and play games or anything at least. I've just been a little depressed because I'm frustrated with a few things in my living situation and with work. I won't be discussing those issues on here so please don't try to give advice on these issues. I just know those are things that get me stressed out.
Matt
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Glad to see you are still doing well. I haven't really been on much because of work and stuff, but it seems we have all been busy. It's hard to keep journal entries coming, but as long as we're staying on top of our goals and being responsible then it is ok.
Don't be afraid to commit to these decisions to change your life. The hardest part of change is committing to it, but when you have been thinking about making a change it's because you know in your heart something needs to change. Stay strong with it and trust yourself. This is your chance to open up with yourself, extend a branch of trust, and move forward. We all believe in you. If you need to talk let me know and we can arrange a time!
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I've been so busy recently that I haven't had time to post something relevant. I'm 4 weeks free from video games and 1 week free of pornography. I think they're both so cancerous. I've been busy because I have been focusing a lot on work, socializing, and moving out of my apartment.
I have a very outgoing personality. Although I love my private time, I realize I deal with stress better by being with other people, socializing, and just being the center of attention for a bit. I've prioritized making plans each weekend and during some nights of the week to get out of the house and be with my friends. I've also noticed that since I've been doing this and not gaming that my heartburn has completely disappeared. For a solid year I was having painful heartburn each day and night. This would keep me up at night due to extreme nausea and sharp pains. Sometimes I thought I had a severe ulcer or was having heart pains. This went away during this time. I went to the doctor and he kept trying to give me medication to cut off stomach acid production completely and I find it funny how now I don't even take anything for my stomach and nothing is bothering me. Don't treat your symptoms only, try to treat the cause of the symptoms.
I mention pornography here because I think it's another very addictive thing that deters you from moving forward in life. If you notice, most gamers complain about their social lives and the fact they're not in a relationship. It's so easy for gamers to just play video games for any sense of achievement and dopamine rush that they don't pursue any legitimate hobbies or hard work in life. This is the same methodology with pornography. It made me lazy and feel like I didn't need a relationship. It kind of skewed my perception of looking for a woman because I'd just look for certain features rather than who she was. I also didn't feel like searching for a girlfriend because I could just watch porn and move on. This was bad because I was closing off love from my life. I don't think people understand how important it is to fall in love and have someone love you unconditionally. If you can find a relationship with someone who really loves you for you and you can be passionate with then it's the greatest thing in the world. Porn gets in the way of that like video games get in the way of meaningful hobbies.
I'm proud of the progress I'm making so far and am going to get back into my larger hobbies this weekend.
Matt
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15 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
Day 11, Tuesday November 13th 2018
No sugar day 3
Thoughts
I feel good about myself that I kept the no sugar thing and achieved the correct water intake as well. I have been doing everything else except going back to work though and I am slowly getting bored of all the other things, so I feel that I will go back to working soon. Maybe today? I do not know.
I woke up at 9:30 am but stayed in bed for 2 hours chatting online. These are hours wasted, I am aware of it, but without pressing responsibilities outside of myself I'm not feeling like giving that up yet.
Yesterday's gaming felt normal in a way that it hasn't for a long time, and by that I mean that because I have established a certain sleep schedule the past week, I was feeling sleepy at a certain time and left the computer around that time, I didn't push my bedtime by much because of gaming. Gaming didn't feel like a priority. I also logged in the game 1+ hour later than I do so far and I think I might keep this up.
11 pm edit; I feel great that I achieved the calories and water and sugar goals!
Tracking
Calories: CORRECT AMOUNT, YAS!
Water: MORE THAN 2000 ml YAS!
Fitness: None
Sugar: None
Work: 18 minutes
Art practice: None
Reading: None
Game time:
Posture and speech:
Sleep quality:I seem to have missed the missing work part. Is this a full time job or is this something in your hobbies that you are trying to work on? Good job with the other achievements. I found that when I cut excess sugar (I still get sugar from fruit and healthy carbs) that my mind felt better. Same thing with fatty foods. I feel better without them. Water and healthy sleep patterns keep me moving forward and prevent depression I have also found.
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Today I was sick again and just slept all day. I tried going to work, but I was so exhausted that I just felt like I was wasting time so i left. I've been so exhausted and tired. I just want to sleep. I had cold-like symptoms yesterday, but they're gone now. It's just exhaustion now. I have been sleeping for like 16 hours a day...maybe 18 lol. If it continues I'll obviously visit my doctor.
Until then, nothing has changed. I get annoyed because I'm going through some difficult life decisions soon with moving from my current apartment and stuff. I just am not sure what to think and have been making steady improvements to my social life etc. It's important that I stay patient and try my best to pursue my hobbies and support myself. I've just felt lots of unrest and unease during the past week with my immediate and long term future.
Matt
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Today I caught a cold and slept from 11 PM to 8 AM and then until 11 AM. I then watched The Big Lebowski and slept for another 4 hours. I had a really productive day lol.
On a positive note, I used to play video games all day when I was sick. I did not do that today!
Matt
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What a busy weekend! I took my office to a hockey game on Thursday, saw a stand up comedy show on Friday, went shopping with friends and then to a board game party at night with other friends on Saturday, and then went hiking today! I am exhausted and I think I'm catching a cold lol. But I'm really happy I did this. I wanted to go out and do things with people I enjoy spending time with. It meant a lot to me to have my friends with me and doing great things.
This has been nice for me and I'm starting to think with a more positive mindset. I feel like life is getting better and my options for doing things is growing. The only issue is I haven't been interested in working on my podcast that I've been producing. I also haven't really had the time to do the little things around the house that I've wanted to work on like laundry, etc. It is important that I take some time for myself and do the things I need to do so I don't stress out about it when making plans. This opens up the interesting conundrum of saying no to people. I worked so hard to do things with friends and get out of the house, but I still have the ability to say no and do things around the house. It's about finding that balance.
It's been 2 weeks without gaming and my fogginess is all gone and my vocabulary is returning to form. I feel a lot better and have been a master of conversation in the social scene. I need to keep this up and just role with things. Just because I've had a lot of great weeks doesn't mean some can be bad. I just need to take the good with the bad and not revert to past forms of escapism if one turns out that way.
Matt
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14 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
When I started this, the first evening I went into the game I felt anxious and nervous about even being online. That anxiety only lasted the first hour or so and then I just saw it as normal.
Right now I have realized gaming is only part of the problem. The internet as a whole, including social platforms and such, is my issue. I go to it, be it Discord or games, to escape from responsibility and boredom - but as I've read in articles I've found in r/NoSurf, this is just how it is since I've rewired my brain to only be stimulated by the internet novelty, be it chatting with friends or playing games.This is how it started for me, but I just realized I was really pissed off at how I was living my life. Most of my friends and people I knew just stayed home and played video games all day. I have the desire to leave the house, socialize, meet people, try to find a woman to date, exercise, etc. I got so angry that this wasn't happening and realized that nobody was forcing me to stay home. I could just go out and do these things to find balance. It has been nice. I refuse to believe the internet is my issue because I do plenty of research, but I've never watched Twitch or visited Reddit before, so I don't really understand the addiction that others may have. Not in a mean way, just that I don't understand since I haven't experienced it. Similar to how non-gamers don't get how we can't stop playing video games.
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2 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:
@Matt S
In order to lose weight I need to consume around 1400 kcal per day. I usually mess things up after 8 pm when boredom kicks in and I'm like, oh let's eat this junk food or let's drink sodas, to make things more interesting. I am aware of that and I've noticed that when my life is physically active, or when I am with people, I don't go to food as a means of entertainment.
Regarding gaming, going cold turkey will just not work for me because mentally I'll be diving into deep waters. I've tried it before and I always relapsed even after 2-3 months, because everything was too different and I was too lost. Playing 4 hours I am noticing that slowly, because there's much you can do in 4 hours but not as much as in 12-16 hours, and because I am making an effort to do other things when I am not playing and I am not just waiting for the evening to come so I can play, my mind is shifting the focus away from it. What I ultimately want is to naturally only have 3-4 hours left in my day free from all the other activities and game then, if I feel like it.I tried both and felt that I failed in each for different reasons. When I did the 1-2 hours of moderation I ended up crashing and going for like 6-12 hours some days. If I did no gaming I felt better mentally, but failed because I thought I could go to moderate gaming.
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5 hours ago, JustTom said:
In a sense, you can be glad that your response is anger, rather than depression. It indicates that you automatically fight back, rather than succumb to fear. You can transfer this into a very strong drive to pull you forward.
So this is true and helped lead me to lots of success in my life. The only issue with this is that when I get sad I'll turn it to anger because it's better to be angry than sad in my mind. I'll also use anger as my motivation instead of love or inspiration. I've actually been trying to tone back my anger responses. I don't have a temper or anything like that. I guess I get angry that I am not doing as well as I could have and just use it as energy to reach my goals. But I don't want to always do that. "I'm angry that I'm single" and then angrily go out to a dating thing lol.
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Oh I remember you said you'd like to keep it to 4 hours a day. Do you enjoy this? I wonder if this will eventually change while you are growing.
Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted · Edited by BooksandTrees
Cam's Video on Participating
I hope this link works as I'm writing from my phone. I was really upset the past few days because I'm not understanding why I can't build the courage to work on hobbies or live life. I still want to ask my therapist if I'm afraid of happiness or trying to be happy. It seems like I want it, but I want it to come to me. I get angry if friends don't message me or if work doesn't tell me I'm doing well without me asking how my performance is going.I wonder if I'm being selfish and a baby. That might be harsh, but I just wonder if I'm being fair to myself and also if I'm being fair to those in my life and environment. This video was really what I needed tonight to help me ask the right questions to my therapist and myself.
Matt
ps, I'm 8 weeks free from video games.