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BooksandTrees
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Posts posted by BooksandTrees
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I've noted in my journal that my dad abused me for my entire adolescence as well as my mom. I mentioned i didn't talk to him from 2011 to 2019.
The past 5 years have been tough. Sometimes he's done good things for me but many times he's still remained abusive and narcissistic.
This past weekend, his girlfriend texted my wife and me with a very passive aggressive text saying they're going to do a drive by and do off Christmas gifts because they weren't going to see us for Christmas. They came by unannounced on Monday, dropped off the gift, and left.
The card she wrote accused us of ignoring my father and not inviting him over for Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was a disaster for my family because my wife almost died from an infection, my son never slept and we were sleep deprived, a construction accident occurred at my house and we lost power and internet, and we barely made it to my wife's family's party.
My dad has been lying to his girlfriend about how much support he's given me over the years. He lied and said we're best friends. He never checks on my health, my wife, or my son who died at birth and was resuscitated. He said I spend too much time with my son and wife and not him and his girlfriend.
As I write this, im crying. I feel like I have to explain to her all of the abuse of endured and hopefully she'll see and apologize.
But I've been thinking about what to say and I've just suffered immensely. Flashbacks of his torture fill my mind and heart. I'm scared again. I'm depressed again. I'm anxious and paranoid again.
My mom said I don't need to explain anything to them. I said I do. Now that I've had to endure these horrible memories again, I don't think it's fair to put myself through it again. It hurts so much.
I've based my whole life on not being like him.
I just want to block him and move on now. I thin my mom is right. It's not worth explaining to them why I'm upset. Off he hasn't changed, he never will. And she's been brainwashed by him.
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I've decided to not post for a while until life improves. I apologize to those who have been long readers and i apologize to my friends on here who always talk. It's just too much to write about and it's so exhausting.
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I wrote a poem about postpartum depression induced rage.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
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On 11/6/2024 at 2:25 AM, Amphibian220 said:
this means there was something that was a good outlet but you have not found it to combat the old pattern.
I can see in your posts that sometimes worries can drive you to this numbing habit. I have the same issue with social media, and I want to know how to defeat fear and anxiety, like a fighter gets in the ring and drops his opponent with his willpower.
Over this period of journaling I noticed that If I can build up enough strength, then when a new difficulty cones, I will not overspend mental strength on it, but handle it as a matter of fact.
I still can’t do it and I am getting the feeling I’m going to get into a more humble and honest approach if I dont want to get stuck in the crap old ways.
Do you know what is great about kids? They are not stuck up in their heads and display a lot of courage. They know someone has their back.
I feel crap that I have watched pointless shows as a way to numb, but that only happened because I slacked over the last year and didnt keep fighting at a high tempo. I have to find this strength somewhere and I have to pay attention to what people around me do, because that always arms me with intelligence and support from people.
It's tough. I think we're making good progress on our addictive habits overall if we compare to years ago. It's just one of those things that's going to be a battle of endurance and patience. We've got this.
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I got 3 days of better sleep for some reason. It's like he got a splash of life without sleep regression. But last night almost no sleep and I'm exhausted again. It's like I didn't catch up on sleep at all. One day. I'm trying to look at the positives. Overall it's a better week and I'm hopeful he'll climb out of it soon.
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Thank you very much @Ikar, @D_Cozy, and @wheatbiscuit. I appreciate the responses and honesty. I am sorry to hear about your families and history of abusive behavior as well. I feel like it definitely shapes us.
I'm gonna keep doing what I'm doing i think. We're so exhausted. I just don't have the energy in me to get through the week and then go down and visit people on the one or two days i have to recover from the week. And they're just vampires. I feel a lot better about this now. I'm just gonna keep focusing on the 3 of us and looking for little victories along the way.
I'm also giving up on the hope of him sleeping through the night. I think that's hurting me because if he doesn't sleep then it feels like someone punched me in the face and I want to give up. My wife suggested little victories like 2 or3 hours of sleep and continue to celebrate small things to get me out of my current depression.
I've been leaning on porn a lot more again. I was watching it once a month for all of summer and spring. Now I'm watching it every night again from the past 3 weeks. It's like my only form of quick release again. So I'm just gonna try to bring that back down slowly.
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On 11/2/2024 at 2:43 PM, Ikar said:
25 Oct - 2 Nov:
My girlfriend and I went for a short trip to Italy for four days until 28 Oct. It was nice to spend time together and to see a new country after a while. We also worked on some of the exercises from the "7 Principles" book for relationship.
I went to the doctor's and my blood samples and urine are OK. I'm going to visit cardiology next week just to be sure. As for my health, I went running this week and tomorrow I'm gonna change the wheels/tires tomorrow to get some lifting.
My father, my friend and I did some work on grandma's kitchen again. It went fine and we got the water pipes changed/remade.
Good to hear about your health. I'm curious if you've considered self a nutritionist too? I've gotten a lot of help from mine.
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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:
writing letters to my future self has been incredibly helpful- reading the hopes, fears, struggles of my self just a month ago fuels my confidence. he's made it, so will i- and with that force, i write to the person i will (have to) become in a year. our shared dreams, fears, aspirations- and he is immeasurably closer to them than i am right now. and he's real- assuming i survive.
This is a great concept. I've always heard letters to your past self but I think that only helps you in the present and not drive you into your future. Keep up with this.
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1 hour ago, D_Cozy said:
On the road, we actually brainstormed the ideas for writing a story together
That's such a cool idea. My wife and I would voice act the scripts I wrote before I got too busy. I'm writing a book now but I miss doing that with her.
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This was a good weekend as a family. I have a dilemma because my grandparents haven't met my son yet and pressure is mounting to do so before they die.
The issues I have are that I don't really like my grandparents. They treated me poorly growing up and treated their kids poorly. I always hated being around them. They live over an hour and a half from me, they only want to see him because it's *their* grandkid. They never ask me how he's doing or how my wife and I are doing even though we're struggling with depression and anxiety. The weekends are the only time I can visit them and I use the weekend as m my time to spend with my son the most because I only get a couple hours a day during the week. If I bring him over, 10 of my relatives would also invite themselves over to see him and I don't want him being around them. They're not good people.
Am I a bad person for not bringing him? I think my family benefits more from weekend time together.
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6 hours ago, Pochatok said:
curious, does your son sleep in a different bed from you (parents)? none of the 5 children in my family had sleep difficulties, and I feel that is largely b/c they slept in one bed w/ parents until 18-24 months of age.
i know that is not a frequent practice in US, but if you're curious i'm happy to share more.
during the nights when any of my siblings would be forced to sleep separate from parents (mom specifically), their sleep patterns would be similar to what you describe. but only during those times and/or when sick. no prolonged, repeated awake sessions in the middle of the night otherwise.
It's highly discouraged to sleep in the same bed here because of sids and the potential to roll over onto your baby. So he's in our room but in his crib. He sleeps better when he's on us or with us but we are afraid to and won't have him sleep with us. You're probably right though, he'd sleep better lol.
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5 hours ago, D_Cozy said:
My 8mo started going through a sleep regression just a few days ago. Baby is back to waking up every 3h. Normally this happens around the 8mo period, I forgot about it because my middle kid never really slept through the night (apparently my oldest did go through it too, my wife recalled to me).
Sleep regressions happen because babies hit a lot of milestones at the same time; teething continues, they crawl more actively, they are sitting / attempting to sit/stand, but most of all emotional development accelerates -> they start understanding happiness, silliness, fear, sadness, etc. at a basic level, and which also comes with separation anxiety due to that greater awareness. All this is overwhelming to them, and so they struggle sleeping again. This period doesn't last forever though, it will go away in a few days to a few weeks.
... For that explanation, I'm channeling my wife haha. She has education in early childhood development.
But yeah, I'm circling back here since your kid and my youngest are about the same age; you may still notice a "sleep regression" even in spite of those steps you both take. Just so you know that it's completely normal.
Sorry you're going through a sleep regression as well. We're going to be a little more brave with getting him on solid foods so he can sleep longer as well. He gets a good amount of tummy time and is developing a ton so I have to imagine all of this development is causing a regression. I'd pay for 4 hours of sleep lol.
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10 hours ago, D_Cozy said:
Sending you and your partner a lot of support. My middle kid was like that, he'd be up every 2h, only learned to self-soothe by the time he was 12mo. Every kid is different.
And dang... 3 weeks is really early to be letting a baby cry it out. My youngest (he is 8mo) didn't fall asleep for long stretches at night until he was 3mo, and even then it was for six-hour stretches at best. He was also still on the bassinet until he got too heavy for it, at which point he went in his room in a crib. So yeah, that's crazy!
Thank you so much. I'm replying during a wake up feed as we speak. I bought a book called the happy sleeper and I'm hoping that helps. But I feel like the only real way for him to sleep longer is solid food and then the self soothing like you mentioned.
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11 hours ago, Amphibian220 said:
I feel relief at reading about any success of my GQ members.
I got anxiety after randomly encountering a reminder of past failures.
You're doing good. Keep with it. There's a very small percentage of people in the world that actively try to improve themselves and you're one of them.
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I've come to the conclusion that I'll never sleep more than 3 hours in a row ever again. My son has been up for hours crying, being happy, being angry, being hungry, not being hungry, being in pain, not being in pain, you name it. I have no idea.
We fed him and bottle, breast fed him, sang to him, gave him massages, held him, let him sit there and work it out, let him play with toys, changed his diaper, burped him, did leg exercises so he could fart out trapped gas, played music, read to him, give lots of kisses and hugs, you name it.
I'm starting to hate people who say their kids sleep through the night right away. The more I talk to them and ask questions, the more I realize they're either painfully lucky and telling the truth, or they're ignoring their kid or feeding them cereal milk which is a choking hazard on every pediatric website.
My friend told me his daughter sleeps through the night and finally he admitted that he put her in her own room at 3 weeks old and doesn't go in to check on her if she cries. She's a year older than my son and my son is heavier and taller than she is.
I will say that parenting is a real eye opener to the type of people your friends are.
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On 10/19/2024 at 11:37 PM, D_Cozy said:
yes this was my entire day. Trip to the park, trip shopping and got them their flu shots (which the 2 older ones hated getting needles
I got my son shots on Friday and it ruined his sleep routine lol. We got maybe 2 hours of sleep that night but the next day he caught up and now we're good again.
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On 10/19/2024 at 11:10 AM, Mohammad said:
I am glad that you were able to say "no" to your dad. I don't know if I can say "no" to my family in a similar situation.
It's really hard at first. It took me 10 years to detach from my family emotionally and be able to do that.
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25 minutes ago, Ikar said:
Good conversations are hard if one feels tired and exhausted. I'm glad you managed it well. Family members (or in-laws) can sometimes be difficult, but at least we don't have to live with them 😄
True. My dad asked if he could stay with us for a week while he moved to a new house and i said no because we have fundamental parenting differences and I'm not exposing my son to them or reliving anything.
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13 hours ago, Ikar said:
bad news is that my blood pressure is 150/80. It is probably the cause of my infrequent headaches for the last year or so, so I need to take some measures (more sport, less unhealthy food/alcohol etc.)
Have you visited the doctor? You could have an underlying health issue causing it. You seem too young for this kind of issue.
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On 10/17/2024 at 4:36 PM, Mohammad said:
Day 21 with no gaming.
I arrived home and spent one hour with my son. After he went to bed, I started watching Netflix. I intentionally avoided studying/reading as I always do before bedtime. It turned out very well. I watched for two hours and went to bed in time and I am not feeling burnout today.
Nice job. I'm glad you're getting more time with your son too. You have a lot more purpose on your journey this time and it's nice to see. Great job.
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On 10/14/2024 at 10:56 PM, Mohammad said:
Why are you depressed? Are you feeling any better now?
Much better now. Just worn out and had some communication problems with a few family members that I've difficultly resolved to a good solution. Just took a lot of conversations. I'm getting more sleep too besides tonight lol.
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I am in a bit of depression today. Overall it's been a good long weekend. I took 2 days off for a 4 day weekend because my wife and I are exhausted.
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What is the digital consumption time for your kids now? My wife and I were not sure when to introduce tech to our son. Some family avoided tv and games til 2. We let him watch very slow videos, like asmr lawn mowing, for 30 minutes sometimes and it calms him.
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12 hours ago, Ikar said:
27 Sep - 2 Oct:
I went running twice with my girlfriend this week. I met up with a few of the guys who used to live at the dorms as well. I've been busy with learning new stuff professionally - reading and chatting with colleagues, as well as with some writing for my website. I also managed to check out some Mememan comics/videos after a long time 😄
I always found it interesting how my friend circle evolved from college to professional life. Have you noticed any swings?
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Dear Diary...
in Daily Journals
Posted
I did it. I blocked him again. I couldn't take it. I wrote this letter:
"Dear Dad and name,
After lengthy consideration i have decided that it is in the best interest of me and my family if we are no longer in contact with each other. We did not speak to each other from 2011 to 2019 for several reasons. We reconnected in 2019 and had a long conversation to move forward.
Over the past couple of years, this year in particular, I've noticed extreme parallels in your behavior and communication with me and my family that occurred with me and mom. This is concerning to me and the past week really brought things to an end.
Memories of pain have been resurfaced in my heart and mind and as a parent and husband, it is my duty to shield myself from this pain again, but not only myself this time, my wife and son too.
I ask that you please respect this decision. You and her, or anyone else seeking communication with us on your behalves, are not welcome to call, text, email, write letters, contact on social media, or any form of communication with us. You are also not welcome on our property and will be considered to be trespassing.
I wish you good luck for the foreseeable future. I hope you two have a happy life together. I hope the new house is quiet and cozy for you both. I hope you stop getting kidney stones and your battle with diabetes gets better.
Thank you, "