Phoenixking

Thanks for the update. Hang in there, dude. A close friend of mine went through the whole spiel. Having somebody to support you is a big difference. I have a lot of respect for your dedication to your mom. How are you dealing with it yourself? Because I can imagine all of the attention and focus is on your mom now, but you need love and time too!

Take a breath. How are things with your mom?

Take a breath. How are things with your mom?

Take a breather, there, good buddy. You really need to work on fixing that infernal internal monologue of yours ? I get it, though. I used to have one of those little devils perched on my shoulder and man, was I glad went it went away. You judge yourself too harshly, guy. And then you get pissed of about that and then you judge yourself for getting pissed off and you get even more pissed of because you notice yourself noticing it. It's a clusterfuckcycle. Try and realize that it doesn't actually serve a purpose. There's nothing you're going to gain from this, dude. Quite the opposite. Just try and relax a little bit and just exist. Don't push yourself towards anything if you feel another episode of anger and frustration coming up. Meditation (and a very specific quote from Kimmy Schmidt) has taught me that it's okay to just be for a couple of seconds sometimes. There's nobody screaming bloody murder if you just sit down on your bed, read a book and just exist for a while. Not living, not running from A to B, just sitting down and being you for a sec. It can leave you rather peaceful and put things into perspective. Or whatever. Who am I to tell you what to do ^^ But if you'd like some advice, taking it easy (as in relaxing or being kind to yourself or cutting another person some slack) has more benefits than constantly pushing yourself towards new ends.

12/02/19 - 5pm - Days without games & porn: 4 I actually woke up early! I'm not at all a morning person, but it does really feel nice to get shit done so early on. I eventually realized I'd make my deadline if I pushed past some stuff. I called the office and asked for a last minute day off. They hesitated (because obviously they don't like me and it was a last minute thing) but eventually gave me half a day. I spent it well and I made my deadline! Not only that, but when I called it in, they asked me to take a good look at all of it and send them an estimation of how much it would cost and how much time it would take to get the next fase up and running. How cool is that?! If this deal is set, that means that Japan is on without worries and that I just got a recurring well paid gig as a freelance writer! My mind is blown! The afternoon at the office never seemed more dull. I've been Googling stuff about resigning, getting fired, unemployment cheques, ... The more I freelance succesfully, the more boring the office feels and the less I care. I'm so unmotivated at the office. I hope I can escape the cesspit soon. I'm off to a romantic early Valentine's dinner with the girlfriend. I found this great Sicilian place, super tiny and super legit. I love being able to walk everywhere. I feel like a lot of pressure just got lifted from my shoulders due to this deadline. I still need to fiddle with some stuff, though. But in general, the succes of the project is in sight! ? Recent highlight: Finished my deadline in a crazy daze of creativeness. Budget status: With the finish of the current writing gig and the potential start of a new one for the same company, things are looking up ? My one goal for tomorrow: Don't kill yourself because of the boredom at work and apply yourself properly and full of focus at the improv training in the evening.

11/02/19 - 9pm - Days without games & porn: 3 I can totally feel my energy being thoroughly drained by working at the office. After the whole will-I-get-fired-or-not stuff I'm over it. I was going to wake up early this morning to write but I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about the office and stressing myself out. Despite having read a new book that my SO's dad borrowed me. I'm actually really proud that I was reading instead of watching Netflix! I just couldn't let go of the stress of having to go back to the office... My SO said that it's a signal I can't ignore and that, part-timing or not, it's something I should look into changing. I do miss being a barrista... I just hope I can pay the bills as a freelancer and barrista. And I hope my knees don't give out on my. I'd probably have to make sure my physical health is up to par. But I'm pretty sure I'd be happier. At least for a little while. And I'd be leaving the infernal office behind. I'm really tired right now. I had this dude come over for some interview about fire insurance. It paid 35 bucks so that was 40 minutes well spent, I'd claim. After that I went grocery shopping. And now it's 9 pm and I'm totally spent. My head hurts, I'm tired and sleepy... I'll probably phone my SO and fall asleep. But my alarm is set for 5am. I HAVE TO WRITE OMFG. There was something embarrassing too. There's this podcast I'm a fan of. It's a small time thing but the community is so active and funny. I sent them a mail to point that out and show some appreciation to one or two fans in particular. One of them is a fan of my own podcast and he gave us a shoutout a while back so I had to thank him for that. The second fan I mentioned was a girl who works in Marketing and PR and I kinda wanted to network with her a little bit, using our common link of being a fan of the show. But it blew up in my face. The three hosts of the show started wondering what was so great about this girl and they just blew it all out of proportion. They claimed I just wanted to 'drill this chick' and that I was being mad creepy by using their podcast. On top of that, the girl got soooo much unwanted attention because of it... She even deleted a few pictures because I got too much attention. She even sent a message to the podcast explaining how angry she was at me. I was devastated. I just wanted to be friends. I still feel hurt and guilty. I've sent her a PM with an apology but she's seen it and ignored it. I know that I meant to do well and that it was the hosts who blew it up and not me. But for some reason she still blames me. I feel so bad. So much for networking... Recent highlight: I got to drive a colleague's fancy car today. Budget status: Got paid for another gig I did a while back. I'm going to have to start keeping an eye on when I get paid for what gig and what company or client still owes me money. My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up early, eat my frog, drink my coffee and write before I go to work. At 5 am. No mercy, no quarters. Deadline is important.

10/02/19 - 10pm - Days without games & porn: 2 Fridaynight I went to a comedy show with my friends. Had a blast. Spent the night at my SO's en woke up to go to a training day for my new job at the prison. Yes, at the prison. I got one of my old freelance gigs back. I'm from a European country and I'll be working one weekend a month in the neighbouring country. It's for a company that rents a huge part of a huge prison and has transformed it into the worlds most compelling and immersive escape game. I am one of 80+ actors that bring the story to life for the 400 players we welcome into our dark world, and we do that 3x a day. It's crazy, it's demanding, it's hard and it's the coolest shit ever. The writing gig I'm doing right now is for the same company and it's set within the same universe. The training day was to familiarize myself with what's changed in the last 2 years. It was the coolest shit ever. I even got taught how to do stagefighting! Afterwards I spent the night at my girl's parents' place. We had a lovely dinner, a royal breakfast and a lazy Sunday. I also woke up early to work and write some more. There's about 6 pages to go and about 7 days left for the deadline. I think I can make it! I can feel the tingle and jiggle of porn still in the back of my head. But I try to ask myself why I get the urge and what would help. I also feel happier now that the writing is going more fluently and stably and now that the prison gig is finally here and ready to welcome me once again. The GF and me are doing super. She's kind, warm, loving and supportive. Her parents are intelligent conversationalists and interesting. Her dad even borrowed me a book about Japan and their samurai culture! We agreed that me going to Japan at the end of March is going to be harrowing for our little lovebird hearts. We decided to spend about 6 nights together before I leave. Recent highlight: Stagefighting is the coolest. Budget status: Still okay in terms of day-to-day stuff. I still hope nothing bad happens and Japan won't be threatened. My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up early, eat my frog, drink my coffee and write before I go to work. Preferably keep my energy happy and high and continue writing in the evening.

Yeah. I really want to quit it. But I also want to quit alcohol. I also want to meditate and change my diet. I want to sleep more and read more. And so on... There's sooooo much shit I want/need to change that at a certain point I just figured 'Fuck it.' It's all so hard. It's insane to try and do all those things at once, too heavy. Especially with the job and money situation so crazy. I think I'm just going to have to look at things month per month and keep journaling and try to remain very aware of what I feel, what for and how I deal with it. Deep down I want to quit. I just hope that feeling will one day be the boss of me. But I acknowledge that it's hard and that I'm going through stressful times because of my crappy job and my unhappiness with it. It's normal to have a hard time quitting a bad coping mechanism if you're in a period where you rely extra hard on stuff like that to not go batshit crazy ? I did do some studies but never finished anything. I had to pay for all of it myself so I was very critical of the school. A lot of stuff I had to learn was rather useless and impractical. I did film school, though. So even if I did get a degree, it'd still not be worth a whole lot. My main skills come direct experience. It's cool, though, bud. If they fire me, I get a breather. If they don't, I'll keep sucking it up until I can go part-time. A big part of my misery is the fact that it's a crappy job and that it tires me out insanely. I always have to fight to find energy to do the stuff I want to do and if I could change that, that'd be a big plottwist. I took a few days off a while back to do other stuff and it felt amazing. I was so productive, it was crazy. If money was no issue and I had like a couple of months of rent saved up, I'd quit instantly. But because I had to pay for a lot of big stuff like my new furniture or a washing machine for my clothes, and now that I'm going to Japan, I keep living month to month with minimal savings.

07/02/19 - 8pm - Days without games & porn: 0 I feel so tired. I didn't go to Krav Maga and I'll probably just go to bed soon. I'm just all burnt out. The stress of it all is draining me. I wanted to go to Krav Maga but I just didn't have the courage to get up, get on my bike and go into the cold to go and work out. I had just had some crappy pasta and my stomach was acting up. I rationally knew that I'd probably feel better after said practice. But I just couldn't summon any mental strength. I'm happy I put up limiters on my social media, Netflix and YouTube. It's 8pm and I'm all out of stuff I can use to procrastinate. I'll probably write a little bit and go to bed. I feel so emptied. I didn't get fired. Yet. They did interview 3 candidates. One cancelled. Once walked out within 5 minutes, for whatever reason possible. And the last one was rather old. I'm not sure she'd mesh well with my and my coworker. That is assuming that HR cares about that after the ball dropping I did yesterday. I'm still convinced I could be let go any time soon. I look forward to it. It'd suck to have to scramble and get a new part-time job asap. But it'd also be nice to catch a breather for a few weeks. I'd get paid for 4 weeks if I get let go. That means getting paid for the rest of the month and then some. Bring it on, I say. I made a mistake, sure. But I try to not take it personal or let it fuck me up. I made a mistake, but that's all it was. I'm just really not good at paying attention. My brain is simply wired in a certain way. My SO and I have gone Facebook Official. I'll be seeing her this weekend at her parents'. I have office work tomorrow and and acting thing on Saturday. I'll have to squeeze in writing stuff here and there. I hope that I make the deadline. I also succumbed to porn again. I feel like I keep using it to get my endorphin fix. I mean, there are worse things. But I'd rather deal with how I'm feeling in a healthy way rather than something so artificial and detrimental. Recent highlight: I woke up an hour early with my SO to have another morning coffee date before we have to go to work. It flew by in a flash. That girl is so addictively bubbly. Budget status: Already getting paid, bit by bit, for the writing gig. Yay! My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes.

06/02/19 - 10 pm - Days without games & porn: 5 So I might get fired. I fucked something up at work. I accidentally booked a flight for a coworker in September instead of March. Just a typo but with plane tickets worth 1300 bucks attached to it. They were going to have my head for this. Oddly enough, it's a company that makes a couple of millions a year, but still. I guess it's the principle of it all. They had warned me before that I needed to get my shit together, that I needed to focus more. But I don't really have a lot of focus. Heck, I even had a professional check me out and diagnosed me with a concentration disorder ? Tomorrow they're checking a couple of people out to be my replacement. I was going to work part-time at the office so they're looking to replace me. After my fuckup today, if there's 1 candidate that could do my job full-time instead of part-time, they might go for it I feel. I feel very ambivalent about it. One the one hand, why would I care? I hate the job anyway and I always felt like it was in the way of me reaching my true potential. There's no money problems because I'd get a severance check for another month and I'd apply for unemployment government money on the first day and get just about 10% less money on a monthly that I'd do working there. On top of there, there's never a shortage in crappy part-time jobs. I could temp or wait tables or whatever. They don't really have anything to hold over my head. What's the worst they could do? Scream at me? Decibels don't hurt. They can't take away any money or hold anything back because it's illegal and I'm not afraid to throw some legal lingo around and threaten a lawsuit with a pro bono lawyer. I haven't stolen or done anything illegal. They worst they could do is fire me and force me to quit instantly. That's not thàt bad. 4 weeks of getting paid without having to work? Fuck yes, please. I'll find another job in a week or two! How hard could it be? I found this one rather quickly after all. On the other hand it's worrying me. The what ifs set in. What if I don't make enough money. What if my confidence in holding my own after getting fired is misplaced? What if I get into debt because of my arrogance? It's still rather unsettling to get fired. I've never been fired. I don't really know what to expect. I do think it's kind of funny though. Another person would probably feel really bad. I just laugh at it all ? I guess I just don't care about my job at all. I have nothing to lose, I feel. You can't take anything away from a man who has nothing to lose. Or I am in complete denial. That's possible too. In any case, things just got more interesting, I guess. I just hope that whatever happens, I don't relapse again. I want to keep my head up and stay true to my principles. I tend to make things harder for myself but at the same time sing war songs that I'll never die in battle. If I do get fired, I'll try to not take it personal. After all, administration is the one place I was not meant to end up in or excel at. I'm a talker, a communicator and an entertainer. If I get fired, I'll probably see what my options are and adapt to the situation. Worst case scenario, I have some time to put in maximum effort in my freelancing career before my savings need replenishing and I have to find a part-time job at a supermarket or a bar or restaurant or at some other office. I might like the change of pace. After all, from conflict you breed results. I went through hell when the ex and I broke up. But it turned out to be a defining moment for me and it made me so much stronger and taught me so much about myself. I feel more confident and authentic. Maybe getting fired will be the same thing? Recent highlight: Filming of the promo teaser trailer today was funny. We're doing an improv gig at a festival/competition next month and we had to make a 20 second clip. It was fun! Budget status: Finished calculating januari. Learned that food and drinks and going out is expensive. Also learned that going to Japan is expensive. My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes.

06/02/19 - 10 am - Days without games & porn: 5 I've started no longer journaling on a daily basis, it seems. Part of me thinks it's okay. Part of me thinks I should take this a tad more seriously. I don't know. I feel a bit numbed to be honest. I actually woke up early the other day to write. It ended up being 6 am. And I also ended up watching Letterkenny and doing work, but not writing. I keep being productive, so yay. But I keep putting off the writing, so nay. I'm actually rather scared I'll be getting a call from the project manager. It won't be uncalled for. But at the same time they keep expecting more than what was agreed to so I should still try and stand firm. My junkie brain is pestering me. I can feel it. The wanting of a fix. Not per se gaming, tough. Just anything. Porn, Instagram, Reddit, booze, parties, anything. It's craving endorphins all the time. I'm pretty sure it's one of the reasons I procrastinate. I'm a little bit lost nowadays. I hope I'll find it easier to get my head out of my ass after the writing deadline. I really hope I don't fuck it all up. I had an improv comedy gig last night. It was a blast. There were jokes that bombed, though. It wasn't my best gig ever. But fun. I also had a lot to drink. Which made me get a hangover, causing me to not write. AGAIN. Nor was I able to wake up early to write. *sigh* It's really hard to keep being nice to myself sometimes. Recent highlight: The improv gig and the roar of the laughter of the crowd. Budget status: I miscalculated my optimism because I might start part-timing in March. So that's about 650 bucks I'll be missing and need to pay attention to. But that's only if they find an adequate replacement for me here at the office. It'd be good and would give me so much breathing room to work with. But also less money. I still feel like it's worth it. Investing in my potential is more important than worrying less about money. My one goal for tomorrow: Write for 10 minutes.

On top of that, I'd take advice from a fat person about losing weight any day of the week ? Obviously a skinny person who's lost a lot of weight has a bit more of an informed opinion because of experiences had ^^ But imagine a criminal telling you what's right and wrong. It's not because he doesn't practice what he preaches himself, that it automatically means that everything he says is to be dismissed. I agree that it doesn't make that imaginary criminal the most credible source. But the world just isn't black and white ^^

It's cool man, we all feel this way sometimes. I mean, I just relapsed and I'm still dishing out advice here and there. It's not like any of us réally know what we're doing, we're just doing whatever we can, most often with the best of intentions. And that's enough. It's not embarrassing to struggle or to bounce back slower than you'd want to. Heck, I haven written a word in days and my writing gig boss is breathing down my neck. I even went out last night because I couldn't cope with the stress ? And while I know that it's a bad thing and I judge and beat myself up for it (like you do with your thing), I also know that you wouldn't judge me for that. Lots of people on this forum actually are able to look at stuff like that with kindness but at the same time hold themselves to a higher standard than others. Try and look at yourself as if you'd look at another person. Would you push that other person as down as you're doing yourself right now?

I am fucking loving this.

Days without games & porn: 4 I didn't really achieve much today. I took a day off from the office to stay at home, recover from the crazy weekend and write. I ended up waking up at noon, chilling out for about 3 hours and then mostly doing random things and cleaning my place up. Laundry and dishes are done, so is the ironing, still need to take the trash out but that's okay. I even cleaned out the filter of my shower drain. Yuck. I was supposed to write today. But it didn't happen. I tend to leave stuff like that in an external locus of control. It's like I'm waiting for the muze to visit me. But I know it's more about just sitting down and doing what needs to be done. I'm not very good at that yet. I'm trying to be mild and chill about it. I did have a véry harrowing weekend. And I can feel my brain clucking for another fix. It's starved for endorphines. It wants porn, games, anything to feed its pathways with yummy stimuli. But I've put limiters on my social media, Netflix, Reddit, YouTube, ... There's no series to binge or movies to watch. Calling it 'a starving brain' is rather accurate. It's like I'm having to teach my brain how to appreciate normal life all over again and it's really hard and unsettling. I still have about 2 weeks before my ultimate deadline. I feel like I can keep sweettalking the employer. I'll be fine in the end, I assume. I'm still a tad stressed but less so than last week. I just need some progress. I just need to simply sit down and do the work. I'm going to try and wake up early tomorrow and get a few words in. I've been thinking about my SO a lot. Especially about her calling me the man of her dreams. I honestly couldn't imagine my life being okay without her. Obviously I wouldn't die or anything. But I feel like the connection is so unique and nurturing, I'd be hard pressed to find somebody else like her. The more I get to know her, the stronger I feel about commitment and considering an actual future with her. I'm lucky to have met her. I guess I'll go to sleep now (10:30 pm) and try and wake up at 5:00am to get some work in. It's probably a tad naïve, I'm not going to lie. I'm NOT a morning person. But I know it's going to help me cope with stress about this writing project. And after all, I did get a lot of sleep this weekend so I'm sure an early morning won't kill me. I'll be sure to get some coffee and some good music and I'll be fine after a shower. Highlight of the day: I think it's a bit sad, but it felt so good to find a way around my content filter and watch the newest season of Letterkenny with a beer. Budget status: We're on track to properly afford Japan. Huzzah! My one goal for tomorrow: Wake up at 5am and have a shower, some coffee and write.

This is something of unmeasurable mental wealth. And I know a lot of people who very much could benefit from an insight like this. Mad props to you.

Days without games & porn: 3 So I went off the rails. I started binging on games and porn. I just lost it and I knew that I had lost it so it felt like I had the ultimate excuse to really dig into the addictions. I also immediately told my closest colleague and my girlfiend. The colleague was a tad dismissive at first, but she knew the whole story because I've know her for about a year and a half now. She didn't immediately grasp everything but then she started pushing me to quit again before it all got out of hand. I gave her my Blizzard-account info and asked her to sabotage it in two weeks if I didn't do it myself. That way I had a dead man's switch. She'd pull the trigger behind my back and without my consent if it had to come to that. She's an amazing person for wanting to do that. My girl took me to a swimming pool/water resort/day spa/sauna thing nearby. It was very relaxing and we had a long conversation about gaming. I ended up explaining why it's so dangerous to me and how quickly I lose control. But how at the same time it's effect on my can also be positive. It'd been using it as some sort of digital adrenaline. To wake myself up quicker in the morning, to amp myself up before a gig or writing session, as an alternative to a third cup of coffee at night while writing, ... It helps me blow off steam and makes me feel good. But it also makes me lose a lot of time and it doesn't sharpen any real life skills. I told her I didn't want to be that person anymore and expressed to her to never believe me when it comes to games. That my brain is that of a junkie and if I want to be, I can be very persuasive and clever, she has to be strong if she's to help me battle the monkey on my back. She took it in stride. I am so madly in love with this girl. I gave her my account info and she sabotaged it Friday night after her D&D sesh. I had also texted my project leader from the writing gig. They'd been pressuring me way too much and I stood my ground. They apologized and backed off. I am very proud of that. I should have done that sooner. Instead of gaming, which was running away from the stress and problems, I should have handled the root of it. I'm sad it took me a few days of breaking and relapsing. But I'm happy I stood up for myself after all. And then there was the funeral. I cried so much. I couldn't keep it together. I just unloaded. My sister gave a speech. I am so proud of her, the way she deals with it all and carries herself. She's truly growing up quickly and getting over her past issues. Badass chick. My gf was with me the whole time. She held my hand and just supported me through it all. I saw my mom and my dad in the same room for the first time in 15 years. The fact that my SO was there made it so much crazier. There was a lot of complicated emotions afterwards too. But all in all it was cathartic and positive. It also reinforced the bonds between my SO and me majorly. She called me 'the man of her dreams'. Despite the addiction and the stress, she's truly in love with me and I am with her. We communicate so well about so many things. It's like we're the SO the other deserves. I've been through hell so many times it's made me a stronger person, I have learned to communicate and reflect on who I am and why I do what I do and so on... It's like I can finally put all of those life lessons to use with her. I met her parents for brunch the day after. Nice people. My SO didn't just want me to make a good impression on them. It was important for her that they made a good impression on me too. I love that she considers that a two-way street instead of it being the classic 'future son-in-law meets the parents and Dad threatens to kill him if he ever hurts his little girl'. I took a day off from the office today. Slept in 'till noon. My body must have needed it. I feel ready to start building up my life again, bit by bit, aspect by aspect. I feel the next weeks will be about managing the small parts of my life and bringing the writing gig to a good end. After that I'll probably focus on getting the freelancing stuff off the ground in combination with all of my little side projects like my podcast or Krav Maga. Highlight of the past few days: My SO. And everything that's been said and done with and to each other. Budget status: Did the math, been keeping an eye on everything properly. I think I can swing the trip to Japan without actual worries if nothing major happens. It's an expensive trip. And I've been paying stuff back to my travel buddy, bit by bit. I could pay literally all of it right now and then I could use my writing money for food and souvenirs. So in theory, if I were to make it through this month (or even better, the next month too!) without any major setbacks like my car breaking down, I will still be fine in a few months and can travel to Japan without having to watch my money like a hawk. On a side note, because of a loan ages ago, I still owe my mom 1700 bucks. I had a monthly payment of 100 bucks set to 30 months. But I had to stop it a while back because of the freelancing and Japan and all this jazz. It's been tense between her and me and it hasn't come up yet so I'm not going to poke that bear until this summer probably. My one goal for tomorrow: Have fun and put on a killer show at the improv comedy gig I'm doing. (I get to start teaching improv soon! yay!)

Days without games & porn: 0 I broke and went even further down the drain. I don't know how many months it's been since I last played, but today marks the first day of my true relapse. I played videogames. I know it's the pressure and I know it's a horrible way to cope. I can feel my brain buzzing and my hands are trembling because of all the adrenaline. I did manage to make my deadline but it got rather late. I also admitted all of it my girl. She is able to look at it with kindness and love, bless her. But a part of me feels like she should be judging me a bit more harshly. She feels like it's okay, as long as it doesn't actually interfere with my life. I know it's horrible to say this, but maybe it'll be what gets me through the next weeks? I know I shouldn't. I'm an addict. But maybe, for now, the ends justify the means. I mean, I'm under so much pressure that I was sure to break. Better it be with something like this rather than having an emotional breakdown at work or missing my deadline or whatever. I know I'm rationalizing. I know. I have no idea what to do right now. Highlight of the past few days: Making the deadline, despite everything. Budget status: Got paid the big bucks. Set aside some money for next month and Japan and also going to pay my car insurance soon. I'm making rent this month and I'll have a nice bit of money for Japan if nothing daring pops up. My one goal for tomorrow: Write. Continue writing and try and get some stuff done for the deadline on Sunday.

Days without games & porn: 0 It finally happened. I was bound to. I broke. I watched porn, I drank and ate junkfood, procrastinated, ran away from feelings, didn't go to work... You name it. Apart from actually gaming I've just about fucked up everything. Stress had building up. Working 7 days out of 7 and combining a horrible fulltime job with my demanding freelancing gigs is spiritual suicide. Right now I have a shitload of stuff to write with a deadline set for tomorrow and another one at the end of the week. I might as well shut myself in for a few days and do nothing but write. I feel horrible. The pressure is making me run away from the one thing I need to do right now: sit down and do the work. I also have 2 poetry performances this weekend, proper paid gigs with 3 other poets who are counting on me to be there and kick ass but I have yet to rehearse. The girlfriend is moving but her new housemate seems rather manipulative. I advised against moving but it seems the wheels have already been set in motion. I didn't have the energy nor did I feel it was my place to really get involved. Went to family therapy. It started out very hard and cold and brutal. In the end we agreed to text once a week about how we were doing. It's been both odd and nice to get texts from my mom. I'm still scared I won't make enough money to make the rent, to travel, to invest in freelancing, ... I am under a lot of pressure because of all of the above. Grandma died. I had lived with her for a few years. I left my chaotic, broken home when I was 18 and she shelterd me. Don't get me wrong, she was bigoted, mean and crude. But it's grandma, you know? She's been circling the drain for a year or two. She's at peace now. No more physical pain to deal with. She was basically a plant with sentience at the end. No more sight or hearing. A shadow of the person she once was. I'm okay with her death. I'm not a bawling mess. But it still fucked me up. I went to see grandpa. Never saw the man so emotional. My infernal dad is involved in the mess too. My sister was freaked out more because of knowing we'd run into him at the funeral and even worse: we'll have to talk to him and help arrange the funeral. Honestly, I'm not sure what I'll do when I see him. So I broke. Because of all of the stress and pressure of all of the above. Because I'm very demanding of myself. And because of that, I've put myself in situations that demand a lot from me. I'm not really sure what to do now. I feel tattered and frayed and everything else is in shatters. Highlight of the past few days: hugging SO Budget status: Big paycheck came through. Thank god for breathing room. But I notice that I'm still worried despite the paycheck. So it's not about the amount of money, it's about my stress. My one goal for tomorrow: Make the deadline. No matter what you have to do to.

Days without games & porn: 30 Holy shit, it's ONLY been a month without porn? Fuck... It feels like forever. I'm really struggling nowadays. I'm stressed and tired. I feel like I'm burning out. I need to seriously make some kind of change soon or this is going to break me. I'm getting sick too. I have been rather demanding of myself lately. There's just so much to do, I can't cope. There's the huge workload of freelancing stuff. An ever-growing to-do list, household chores and all of the stuff I do for my hobbies. Then there's the job I hate that totally drains me. It's horrible. I feel like I've sprung some sort of leak. It's not the sex that draws me to the porn, it's the release of happy chemicals in my brain. I know. It's fleeing, coping, running away from it all. It's artificially making myself feel happier. I know. But how do you deal with all of this? It's like I need more hours in a day. Even the smallest pebbles are starting to feel like huge boulders I have to move. I'm afraid that I might actually need help working through this... Not that I'm aversed to therapy or coaching, it's just that admitting to required that extra hand is similar to admitting this is way bigger than I thought and that's a little uncomfortable to realize... I really am getting a little bit afraid that I'm circling the drain. My health is deteriorating. I didn't write last night. I don't really remember what I did. I ate, I relaxed and I did D&D-stuff. I took a day off tomorrow to make sure I actually finally write something (ARGH!). I'm meeting with my 'clients' this weekend. So that's basically a 7-day workweek. The first of many, I fear. I have to start my freelancing stuff now or I'll not make rent when I start part-timing. But it's so hard. I'm getting sick, so I didn't really do anything tonight. It felt nice to not force myself to do stuff. But my ironing is piling up, my livingroom is a mess, there's so many dishes, trash needs taking out, I need to cook and mealprep or I won't have anything to eat... I feel like I'm drowning in common household problems. I talked to HR at work and they're being dicks. I expressed that I'm the one who's getting the short end of the deal. I keep working full-time so the company doesn't really have any problems, also because it's in my contract. The agreement was that I'd start part-timing when they found a replacement. But I have already started the freelancing train. Stuff's moving. I emphasized that I have calibrated my whole life around that agreement. She was rather short en dismissive. I swear to fucking everything that is valuable to me, I will fucking walk out of there if I have to. I will not burn out because middle management are a bunch of self-centered assholes. ... I need a fucking vacation to get my energy and physical strength back. And when I have all of that back, I'd spend a day or two getting food, mealprepping and cleaning. And after that I'd spend àll my time trying to get my freelancing stuff up and running. Auditions, a website, LinkedIn and social media, headshots, ... When I take a step back it all seems so simple and doable. *sigh* I guess I'll just go to sleep and see what tomorrow brings. Right? ... Right? Highlight of the day: Falling asleep with the girlfriend in my arms. Allowing myself to do nothing and just chillax on the couch. Budget status: Bought groceries. Very much looking forward to getting paid soon. My one goal for tomorrow: Write. Let go of just about anything, make an actual effort to write for my cop gig. Also cook food with lots of fresh veggies.

Days without games & porn: 28 I'm really tired so I'll try to keep this short. Work plans have changed drastically. The girl who was supposed to be my replacement flaked out. So for now I'm stuck doing my full-time job. But also am already freelancing. The workload is immense and I can feel my levees start to break. I'm going to see if I can have a talk tomorrow about all of this. I'd like to say something along the lines of "Replacement or not, I'm going part-time on the first of March and there's nothing you can do to change that.", but less antagonizing. My friend dropped by and we created a cool character. It's still missing some body here and there and I'm curious to see how he's going to play her. I thoroughly look forward to our D&D-session on Friday. I cancelled another D&D-related appointment later this week. I want to manage myself and my time a bit more. I don't want to burn out. I am learning to say 'no' to stuff ? I have a 2 hour phone call with my gf. I'm seeing her tomorrow and we're going to be visiting the new place she's moving into. She's moving on the 1st of February in all likelihood. I might bump into her dad while we're moving and helping out. Her parents see how happy she is and how she feels and they're rather curious about me. Her mom was embarassed that she was caught by GF, apparently she'd looked me up on Facebook and let slip that she thought my eyes showed kindness. I found that compliment very flattering but also that she's curious about who I am. I also told GF about quitting porn. She was super cool about it and even admired it. She really is one of a kind. She's so open and accepting. We sometimes say to each other that we're good and healthy matches for one another. I can still feel the porn urge from time to time. But for now we're good. I hope I don't crack. Sometimes it feels like it's so innocent, so harmless. But I'd feel bad afterwards again. Highlight of the day: Cancelling the D&D thing. Saying 'no' feels empowering and as if I'm taking care of myself. Budget status: Getting paid soon. Yay! My one goal for tomorrow: Write. Let go of just about anything, make an actual effort to write for my cop gig.

Days without games & porn: 27 I was reeeeeeeally tired from the ball. I slept through my alarm! I hurried and ended up being right on time at my friends' for lunch. We talked about my ex (because they also know her rather well) and my new girlfriend and the trials and tribulations of freelancing and finding your path in life and my new girlfriend. The two of them are a great, warm and loving team. Funnily enough, they seemed to have started out in the same way GF and I are. I wonder if it's a good sign. I went to this workshop about managing your feelings about money as a freelancer or an entrepreneur. It was very educational actually. I could write a lot here about what I learned and who I met and how. But I'm rather tired. In a nutshell it was nice to experience that everybody is scared and worried about the same things. And when I hear somebody speak about the same fears that I have, I noticed that I wanted to encourage them and show them they have nothing to worry about. Which is an interesting insight because I could just as well say the same things to myself ? it all gave me some mental peace ? Then I went to the marketing meeting of my improv troupe. It was okay. I was tired and very aware of my risk of burning out. I told them I wanted to help bring the social media and copywriting to a new level. But that I wanted to wait until spring because of the part-timing and freelancing. I need to get stuff off my plate first. I'm proud for having set that boundary and was looking out for myself. I did that again a bit later when I ordered food. I was famished and needed actual food. I would have eaten simple cereal because of the saving money stuff. But I felt it was important to spend some scratch to nourish my body. No regrets, the burrito was amazing. I talked to GF about the odd feeling I'd been getting from her. We worked things out ? I'm happy there's so much communication between us. I have a lot of stuff to do this week. D&D-related stuff but also two nights of writing, some improv and then there's the weekend where I'll be going to The Netherlands to go and write on location. I still need to figure out the time schedule on that one and what will be expected of me and how and when and so on. I haven't really done a lot yet. So I'm a tad anxious to start that conversation. Because I want to set clear lines for that weekend. The dude has a reputation for blending work and private life and I won't have that. GF expressed she likes the city I'd be going to and I'd like to be able to take her along with me if possible. So that's a little thing I'll keep for Monday or Tuesday after I've gotten some work done. I should probably get the contract sent too. Highlight of the day: The workshop about money and anxiety Budget status: I spent money on getting food delivered. It was a conscious move and I don't regret it. My one goal for tomorrow: Create a cool D&D character with and for my friend.

Days without games & porn: 26 Friday was a 'fun' day as far as my boring job can be fun. I talked with my colleague a lot and after work I set out with GF to see her closest colleagues and then go to the New Year's Reception of her work. Her friends are loads of fun. I really had a good time. I do notice that GF is way more active than I am. I'd rather talk and get to know people a bit more instead of dance and party. I want to really talk to them and connect. But I'm adventurous, the music was loud and I'm bad at saying 'no'. So we danced almost all night long. We drank a lot too. We didn't sleep a lot either ? I woke up hung over, she left for a brunch appointment. She's seeing a lot of people about co-housing. She recently texted me she's found a place and will move soon. It's nearby though. I went to a special costume store and got my 1850's outfit. My friend and ex-FWB came over to freshen up and get hoisted into her ballroom gown. I was basically doing D&D-stuff all day. Reading up on rules and characters and just about anything that would improve my skills as a DM. I'm hellbent on making sure this Friday's session is way better than the last one. I am nervous but I also totally look forward to it. Then I went to the costumed party. Now this was in the opera. So it was really fancy, dances were actually being taught and everybody was dressed up as if we'd stepped through a time machine. I forgot about the rest of the world for a few hours. I learned so many new dances, saw new faces and met new people. There was a little bit of flirting here and there and I feel a tinge of guilt about that. I never explicitly said that I was seeing GF. I think I liked the attention. There were so many girls interested in me. I never noticed until recently how many girls make a move on me. The fact that I liked the attention and didn't mention seeing GF made me wonder why I did that. I like attention, sure. But is this a symptom that there's something wrong? I would have never cheated and when prompted would have told them about GF. But I think I was afraid that if I told them about her, they'd no longer want to talk to me. Which is ridiculous, as if my being single would be the only thing of worth. But still. It was there. I felt a tad guilty. I'm probably overthinking this, but I feel like it's healthy to not ignore it. I'm not sure what is is with GF, but something's off. She spoke of me hitting some sort of barrier and that we just need to get through it. She doesn't like me giving her so many compliments. I'm a very verbal guy. And very enthusiastic. When I like somebody, it's very clear and I shower them with attention. I can be a little bit much, I get that. She told me that putting her up on a throne, like I do, puts a lot of pressure on her to be perfect. She wants me to take it down a notch. And then later she took that back and said that she likes it and just needs to get used to it. But then there's that kissing thing we had recently and we haven't been able to fix it because I push myself so madly in life that I've gotten a new sore on my mouth. Yuck! We've both been tired, a tad sick, and so on. It's just a bit off, I guess. It's healthy to look critically at things like a new relationship, I feel. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's going to work out. I'd love to have a deep connection with somebody like I did with my ex. I'm just not sure if it's going to be with GF. You can never be sure, obviously, and it takes loads of time. I think I'm just a bit scared. She's got a bit of fear of commitment, I think. And while I understand that and am willing to help her through it and be a kind and understanding boyfriend, I'm also not a schmuck. I'm not going to invest time and my heart into somebody that I don't know very well yet, where I don't get the same stuff back from her. I don't know. It's okay, I guess. I'm just a bit disillusioned. I like the whole cloud nine, lovey dovey gooey stuff. Highlight of the day: D&D stuff and the supercool dances, outfits and opera house. Budget status: Paid my electricity bill, got back my money from the improv weekend that got cancelled, paid a deposit for my costume from the party (which I'll get back Wednesday), paid for expensive drinks at the opera and a coffee and a sandwich My one goal for tomorrow: Be mindful of your limits in terms of food, attention, mental energy...

Days without games & porn: 24 Soon I'll be free from porn for a month. It's still a struggle sometimes. I haven't told the girlfriend about how hard it is sometimes. I find that it's a very private matter. Despite us being able to talk about just about anything. Addiction is a strange creature. Sometimes, like today, a thought just pops into my head. An urge, a want, a need. And I can totally feel how easy it would be. No resistance present. I could just do it. Nobody would stop me. Normally I'd feel disgust of have enough mental strength to fight it off. But this time I was lucky to not be home and be busy. I know I'd feel sad or angry or empty afterwards. It's not worth it at all and I'd feel worse. I guess it's just surprising and annoying that this itch is still there. I wish it would go away. I watched a couple of minutes of streaming today. I have a few friends who livestream games. I logged into Twitch for a few minutes to say hello, give my support and then I skidaddled. I didn't really feel anything, to be honest. If I think about it a bit longer, I don't understand the insane attraction anymore. Sure, the story might be great. But not spending all that time and money on games feels like a natural choice nowadays. I did something rather crude last night. I've always believed that the passion, the viability of a couple can be measured through a kiss. A proper kiss is a good sign, a mismatched kiss is a bad sign. You know the spiel, right? Too much tongue or too little, moving their head the wrong way, stuff like that... I told the girlfriend this. And I must have been a tad tactless. She really took it personal and went into a little panic. It took the better part of the day but we turned it around into agreeing to a kissing date. We'd light candles and play music and just mess around with it. Kissing softly and then hard and seeing what we like. I think that the idea is amazing and great. But I'm also slowly becoming aware of this new relationship. It's rather intense. It takes up time and effort and energy. I am going to need to be aware of how fast it progresses and what I am and am not comfortable with. I think it's healthy that I realize this but I'm a tad dissillusioned that we've hit this speed bump. I was supposed to write. There's less than 1 month to go. I keep putting it off. I have ideas and stuff, but I don't sit down and write them up. I feel like I should take myself hostage for a few days and just force myself to do it. I'm going crazy over how to start and continue. I'm used to writing when I have discipline. But I keep doing D&D-related stuff, seeing friends or the GF, I keep agreeing to see, go and do so many things that it's getting in my way. If I was already parttiming, I'd have more time and I'd be fine (I think, I hope). But for now, it's really hard... I feel really bad and guilty and am afraid of fucking this up. Highlight of the day: Seeing my friend and helping him build a character from absolute scratch into something he truly looks forward to playing. I am a happy and proud DM. Budget status: Spent nothing today. Only have about 1000 left in total. Not going to lie, getting a little bit anxious... My one goal for tomorrow: Try to relax, make a good impression on GF's colleagues at her work's reception and try not to stress and fret too much about it all.

It's basically a recorded D&D session. There's no video so we try to be as descriptive as possible. There's 4 players, our DM and a guest star. We record long sessions that we edit into 2-3 episodes and release about 2-3 of those per month. We have built up a following of about 100-150 core listeners and about 300 casual ones. I try to help out with the social media but I've been a bit overwhelmed. It's pretty cool to see the reactions. It's totally going beserk nowadays. We're getting a couple of celebrities as guests this year. I never dreamt it would go this fast. All props go to the DM, the audio engineer and the dude who started it all. I just do funny voices and crack wise. They do all the actual work. I should totally go shopping more but I'm so stretched out sometimes. Grocery shopping makes me really anxious so I tend to avoid it. I eat lots of veggies and fruit though, but all of it frozen so it lasts longer in my fridge/freezer and so I don't have to make multiple trips. It feels like such a waste of time to go shopping each week. It's just around the corner though. Maybe I don't like spending the scratch?