Phoenixking

Detox day 15. " Flow." So my girl left this morning to go to Rome for a couple of days. It kind of scares me a little. I'm not looking to be co-dependent here, but she's really helped me through some rough spots. Even if it is just sitting there and listening to me and not judging me. I left for a few days a week ago, to go to Lithuania for work. She admitted to feeling the same way. She doesn't want to drop all of her depression-issues on my shoulders, but it still feels a bit emptying to watch the other go. You're left behind with half a bed and and a quiet apartment. I'll be happy to pick her up on Monday when she returns. For a few days now, I'll fight the onslaught of urges alone. I spent the better part of the day on D&D. I'll be starting a gig as a professional Game Master soon and I am getting paid to build the a custom world and some stories. So I'm drafting the perfect first session where I explain what's going to happen, get to know them and all of the other intricacies of playing D&D. I feel super motivated. I literally spent an entire day working on this without even thinking of procrastinating. I'm so in the zone. This is what it means to be able to get into some sort of flow. There's no rush or time limit, nothing is good or bad, I just want to get it right. I spent a whole day just consuming raw knowledge. Articles, Reddit, lore, ... I have about 8 pages of research that I'll now convert to what I'll be expecting them to bring or read, what I'll be saying to them and how I'll clarify the badass shit that awaits them and character creation. I'm so excited. I can't believe this is a paid job now... Recent highlight: Noticing how easily I spent a whole day working on the D&D-stuff. Budget status: I'll be getting paid next week. So I'll be saving almost 1000 again this month. So fucking proud. I even look forward to making the balance of the month tomorrow. My one goal for the next 24h: Make sure the comedy open mic I'll be leaving now to go to goes well. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done too. -Drink enough water - I totally did not make it today. Had one or two drinks. Maybe I should bring my bottle to the comedy gig...? -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I am going to do it just before I go out. -No daydrinking at home alone - Nothing today. -Meditation - Depending on the temperature and the snow, I might go to the park tomorrow to just feel the breeze and be quiet for a bit. I feel like it'll be healthy for me... -Exercise once this week - Knees hurt like shit. I'm not sure if it's from walking this morning or not exercising enough. Either way, I should pay attention here. I still have a few Krav Maga lessons I get to go to because of my membership card (it's like a stamp thing). I guess I'll just go to them next week and see how I feel physically and mentally after it's done.

Detox day 14. " Battle." Two weeks. Phew. Djeezes. This feels like the hardest attempt to reach the 90 days yet. I guess somehow that means I'm doing something different. Hopefully the right thing. I've been having headaches for a while now. I wake up with them and endure the day with them. I'm not sure if it's all of the screens, the dehydration or stress. They're not that bad. Like a 1 on a pain scale. It's just a minor thing. But I feel like ignoring it would be a mistake. I haven't seen any porn in a while and I remember when seeing it or playing games, my headache would majorly increase. So maybe it's a chemical thing and I'm going through withdrawal or something? I had a major battle yesterday. And even though I know that I won, I still feel like I lost. Even today feels like some kind of hangover, as if I did something horrible yesterday. I was stuck in the house all day. I had been procrastinating and stressing about that a lot, and was finally tackling what needed to be done: administration. I took the better part of the day biting through the procrastinating and doing the mature thing and finishing the workload. It took a lot of energy out of me, though. I decided to put a reward at the end of the task: watch a movie and have a celebratory drink. A spot of me-time. My girl came home, we chatted about how our day was and I noticed I started getting anxious. I wanted to do something. I had been cooped up in the house all day and I had skipped Krav Maga yesterday. I was getting a bit cage-ragey. There was no improv class to attend and it was getting a bit late to do other activities. I thought of going to the park again, my newfound sanctuary, but there was a crazy storm outside. I could go to the local comic and board games store but that too was outside, through the storm and I didn't want to run the risk of just ending up sitting there. I usually meet up with friends so I was a tad nervous. I didn't want to play a game with my SO because I wanted to go out and stretch my legs. I was losing my mind. For lots of stuff, the storm had just gotten in the way. I could feel the urges creep up on me again. Games would help... I suggested going to the VR-place again. And that then launched a talk about if it's healthy for me or not. I can be very persuasive and manipulative, towards others but also towards myself. My last relapse was because I convinced myself that everything was okay, when it wasn't. So I was on guard against myself. A thousand thought and opinions were blasting through my mind. What should I do, whom should I contact, where should I go? ... In the end, I ordered fast food again, drank a few beers and watched a movie. I figured that it was better to spend money on delivered food then on the VR-stuff. It's a risk that I shouldn't toy with, especially if I'd go at it alone. I just don't trust myself with it. I know that I won. I had mad urges and cravings. I was physically and mentally going from hyper to angry to disgusted to sad and back. I made the right call. I didn't give in to VR-stuff. I was browsing social media to distract myself and clicked it all away as soon as the first ads for games popped up. I couldn't deal with them right now. I couldn't go out for a walk or to the park or to the comic store. Doing jumping jacks or squats or reading just didn't hit the spot. It was like my mind felt itchy. After a while, I was just tired from the storm raging inside of me. My shoulders slumped and I watched a few trailers for movies or great anime and after the greasy load of fries and beer and a great movie (1917, holy shit what a masterpiece), I read my book and fell asleep. I know that I won. I beat the urges and even though I didn't really make what I would call a healthy choice, at least from my point of view I chose the lesser of two evils. But then why does it feel like I lost? Is it because stuff like this rubs my nose into how addicted I really am or was? Is it because my SO saw my struggle and it made me feel so naked (she responded with so much compassion and patience, omfgwtf, best girl ever)? I don't know... Maybe it's just chemicals, withdrawal and such... Recent highlight: Getting an appointment next Monday to start the business-starting-stuff. FINALLY. It's called Starterslab. Budget status: Well, just one more day to finish off the month. If I calculate things properly, I'll be able to save around 1000 each month. Probably less and I'll have to mind my spending. But this is going to be a great financial year. I finally understand how people are able to take a holiday each year and visit cool cities 😮 My one goal for the next 24h: Finish the paperwork for the Starterslab stuff. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - Done too. -Drink enough water - I'm pretty sure I made the goal yesterday and the bottle thing is really helping me. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I often do it before I go out. I just need to pop into the store later today to get some coffee filters, but at least it's an excuse to get out of the house. So that means shower and grooming ^^ -No daydrinking at home alone - Whiskey, and two beers. Something it scares me how much of a drinker I am. But I also understand that it's sort of my final crutch. We all need a release. Like chocolate, fast food, alcohol or sugar. It's not healthy, I know. But it's better to cope with this than games or porn. -Meditation - I might visit the park again tomorrow. It's snowing and I'd love to hear the creak of fresh snow under my boots, see my breath and hear the birds chirp. -Exercise once this week - There's Krav Maga tonight. But I'm still not sure if I should go. I'm just not feeling it. I feel so unmotivated.

Was just about to say the same thing. The studying is important, but you'll do more damage to the results and yourself if you push yourself too hard. You're not a Spartan!

Detox day 13. " Procrastination." I had a productive day yesterday. I meal prepped and made soup, cleaned the kitchen, went to get my packet from the delivery store, did some mails, ... I did things! I really did! I also watched series and procrastinated... I still have quite a few things to do, but nothing deadly. I have time to do it in the next two days. I just hate doing it. I have to make the schedules for my actors and it's such a hassle. I'm also responsible for improving the system that we use to make those schedules. It's horrible. I suck at this. I hate doing it. It's only a few hours work if I focus, but I keep putting it off. So yesterday was an amalgam of stress because of it. I kept looking for ways to cope. Whereas I would game or watch porn to feed my brain the happy-chemicals, now I was starving. I ended up drinking. Alcohol, my final crutch. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, though. I'm dealing with a lot. I'm smart enough now to realize that taking away alcohol would only make things harder. And I also have seen that the reason why I drink is because the workload doesn't fit my skills and I feel a bit trapped by it. So I'm thinking of quitting. When the business starts up, I'll have LOTS of shit to do and 1,5 years of financial guaranteed safety. The company might stop later this year anyways. I'll play this by ear, though. I'm no fool. I am just happy that I noticed it's stressing me out because I suck at it. It's not a reason to quit though. But changing your path from freelance employee to entrepreneur is. I'll try to tackle it today, though. Recent highlight: Getting a message back from the company that's willing to hire me as a pro Dungeon Master. Budget status: Money is a funny thing. When you don't have it, you fret over not having enough. And when you have enough, you find something else to worry about. I guess the lesson here is that I should be appreciative for being able to pay the bills and no longer have to worry about living month to month. My one goal for the next 24h: Figure out what on my to-do-list freaks me out the most, tackle it and find a fun reward for myself for doing it. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Done. -Make the bed - We're good. -Drink enough water - I just missed my mark yesterday, but I feel like drinking more than a liter per day vs barely a glass a day is a major improvement! -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll probably do it later today when I'm taking a break. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had a G&T and a Rum&Coke yesterday due to stress and procrastination. Better this than relapsing, I guess? -Meditation - I wonder how long it'll take before I start craving the park again. The weather outside is horrible and my to do list is huge, so no park today. But maybe soon? -Exercise once this week - I skipped Krav Maga yesterday. I'm still feeling a bit ambivalent about it. The park stuff is really helping me out and I'm kind of over Krav Maga, I notice. I'd like to maybe try boxing? Or something similar? But right now I don't have the time and minding my weight with my fancy new scale has made me lose some weight and right now I'm making sure I keep where I'm at so that I don't fuck up the sizes that were taken for my tailored suit.

Well, I'm not sure. I view the park as my own personal resort sometimes. Like I have to feel there to find peace and quiet and that's an intimate thing. I don't want any other people there, I go there to be as alone as possible. It's a public place, so I can't really shoo them away of course XD I think last time I didn't want anybody nearby, not even random people passing by and ignoring me. I didn't even want to hear the sound of footsteps. I only want nature. I think seeing people there reminds me of the world outside. I turn off my phone for a reason. Park time is quiet time. And seeing others reminds me that there's stress and problems waiting for me to return. But this time was different. I was happier, more resilient. I had more energy and felt more alive. I understood that lots of people might go there to enjoy the quiet and nature and that even more and more people should try it. It's a healthy habit and if they all respect the place and don't litter or anything, why couldn't we all enjoy the same space? On top of that, I have this habit. I like making people laugh or smile. More often than not, I'll smile at random people, just to make them smile too. It's my own cooky little way of making the world a tiny bit better that day. Science has proven that smiles are infectious and that we'll respond in kind of somebody smiles at us. There was just something about random people nodding at me me and smiling without saying a word. Like they had been coming there for ages and were welcoming a new denizen of their world.

OMFG YES. This is one of my favorites! Together with Animal Farm & Aldous Huxley's 'A Brave New World'. Enjoy!

Detox day 12. " Pacing." The walk in the park yesterday hit the spot. I noticed that I was waaaaay happier than the week before. I walked faster, had some pep in my step and whereas normally I try to avoid other people, this time I actually started to smile and enjoy it when they passed by and we shared a courteous nod and a smile. What a difference! I tried to get to the most quiet place I'd found last time, a bird watching hut. Last time I sat there for a long time, not a person or a sound nearby. Just a lake, some birds and the wind. So peaceful. This time, though, there were some teenagers (shouldn't they have been in school or something?) who'd hid in an alcove of the hut. It's shaped like a roughly hewn 'C'. Normally it would annoy me, I'd give them a stern look or a talking to, but I remembered what it was to be young. And because I was so clearly more energetic than last time, I chose to move and explore the park a bit more. It's HUGE place and I haven't even seen 1/3 of the place, it turns out. I reached a part filled with gigantic, thing, plant-covered trees. It looked like a forest was made out of a few titanic fingers breaching the surface. I walked around in amazement and basked in the silence. It was a very windy day and all of a sudden, one of the green giants broke in half, right in front of me. A tree of about 30m, was suddenly reduced to its half. The upper half breaking off with a loud crack, and falling down to create some form of adventure-like bridge across a nearby moat. I'd never seen a tree crack and fall. My mouth was agape. Today was going to be a good day. I'm so happy I try to frequent the park way more. It's totally worth it. It energizes me and helps me reflect. It's cold and windy nowadays, but I'd love to bring a book there someday and just read for hours. I never thought that I could be this person. Detoxing is 12 days underway. I spent some time in Lithuania and the park is helping a lot. I'm also a bit more honest with myself. I try to steer away from pornographic stuff, though it's clear it still has an incredibly solid grasp on me. I use a combination of porn blockers and ad blockers on my phone and laptop. But obviously in today's society, you can't fully escape madness like that. I try to keep away from games too, but sometimes it's hard to stay strong. Today I bumped into a website that had a collection of old nostalgic stuff. Games I grew up with. I had to browse it a bit. I admit I was curious and I'm a bit sad that I can't indulge. But we all know it would get out of hand very very quickly. Today I'm cooking, making soup and doing paperwork. I don't like the latter part. At all. But I'm doing the right things nowadays. I'm close to officially starting a business and as long as I keep chipping away at the mountain, I'll one day conquer it. I just gotta mind my pacing. My SO talked about suicide again. She even admitted to some tiny bit of auto-mutilation. She'd scratched herself badly. Her anti-depressants are messing with her head too. I suggested a psychiatric institution or a more serious form of help. She'd cancelled her therapist because it's not working out. I understand. She's a psychologist herself and she can see all of the 'tricks' and techniques they're using on her. And finding a good therapist can be hard thing, you need to put in the time and shop around to find a good connection with someone. Even after a conversation with her doctor, the one who prescribed the pills and suggested an intervention of the mobile crisis team (professionals who come to your house to assess you, your household and your support systems), she still claims that she feels like an attention whore and doesn't want any help. Ironically, 5 minutes before that conversation with her, she was sobbing in my lap that she can't take it anymore and everything around her seems to be crumbling. Talking to the doctor was a good step. And I try not to make any decisions for her, she needs to decide for herself that she wants help. Or else it simply wouldn't work... I just hope she sees the light sooner rather than later. I'm not sure if it would come to it, but I'd rather not experience an SO killing herself... Sometimes I think it should hit me more. The stuff with my SO is pretty heavy stuff. But oddly enough, I'm fine with it. I sing and whistle throughout the day. I'm not hunched over because of the problems she poses. Either I'm in denial and am putting up a few walls to protect myself, or I've figured that I'm doing everything I can to help and I've successfully let go of trying to save her and realized she has to save herself. Let's hope it's the latter. Recent highlight: Seeing a tree break halfway through due to the storm winds and seeing, hearing and feeling it fall to the ground. Budget status: My one goal for the next 24h: Make soup, food, pick up my coffee beans and get some work done. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Just did it. -Make the bed - Done. -Drink enough water - The bottle thing is helping me out. Thank god for oral fixations. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Haven't done it yet, but I'm sure I will when I go out later today. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had G&Ts last night with the SO. -Meditation - The park hit the spot. Actually sitting down and meditating really feels like an effort now. It's easier to just drive to the park... I'll monitor if I actually need to meditate if I keep up the shinrin-yoku. -Exercise once this week - My legs are a bit sore from yesterday, but not too bad. I'm not sure if I'll go to Krav Maga tonight. I'll decide last minute probably.

Absolutely man! It still takes a bit of effort to slow down. I find it hard to sit down in my home and meditate, but going to the park seems to do the trick. A different environment, some nature, no phone and time to think about life and stuff. It's a good way for me to get in touch which myself and see how I feel. I notice I read more too and though I still have lots of stuff on my plate, I tend to look at it more with a smile than anxiety. Thanks for your insight and advice!

Detox day 11. "New frame of mind vs habits hard to break." I'm back from Lithuania. I spent 4 days there to shoot a commercial for an app called Vinted. It was insane. I've never been flown out to somewhere before for something like that. I felt like some kind of jetsetting celebrity. I'm pretty sure it was a once in a lifetime thing, so I enjoyed it to the max! And it turns out that I majorly lucked out. I met my colleague, we'd be playing a happy new couple in the commercial, and also met the other two actresses. We got along great and because of the schedule we basically got 2 days of paid vacation in Vilnius. Drinks, walks, food, jokes, ... 2 amazing days were had! Normally you arrive alone, fit your clothes and learn your lines as soon as you arrive and shoot the next day. The fact that we had so much downtime was a major lucky break! Returning home was not so much fun. I hadn't slept at all and felt sick. The air was dry in the hotel, in the studio, in the airport and on the plane; my throat was so sore. I had trouble sleeping because I was scared to miss my taxi at 5 am. When I arrived home, I hit my bed and after a few hours rallied to go do an improv show. It went pretty okay, mainly because I minded how much energy I had vs how much I was willing to use. It seems I am adopting a new frame of mind. Ever since the walk in the park and thinking about what 'relaxing' and 'downtime' really means to me, I've been noticing how many hours I spend in front of screens. My phone, laptop, tv, ... Enough to give me a headache often. So by not bringing my laptop to the trip, I cut it down a bit. I'm now trying to only use a screen consciously. I'd like to refrain from binging series and numbing myself, I'd like to try and be more mindful and live more in the present. If I watch a movie or listen to a podcast, I want to do it because I looked forward to it, I want to give it my full attention and focus on it and enjoy it. Not because it's a compulsion. I want to try and read more and go do my shinrin-yoku/nature bath more often. I was even hoping to do it more today. When I turn my phone off and just enjoy the wind, birds and the dirt beneath my sneakers, it's like my true emotions bubble up. No longer numbed by the constant barrage of visual stimuly, the sensory onslaught stops for a second and I get in touch with what I'm REALLY thinking and feeling and then go from there. Last week this learned me that I'm stressed, have a lot of work stuff on my plate and there a lots of things that I "HAVE TO DO". I kind of already knew that, but really deeply feeling how sad and stressed it makes me, made me realize I needed to change that. I'm lucky that I maneuvered things in my life in such a way that I'm no longer dependent on a boss or an office job. That means that I hold all of the strings that stress me out; but it also means that all responsibilities to save my stressed ass also lie with me. Old habits die hard. I hope my new intentions on how to act will eventually win. Recent highlight: A conversation I had with a few friends about life, emotions, stress, doubts, living together with an SO, burnouts and other stuff. Budget status: After a stern conversation with my SO about using the shared account for other expenses, it looks like I'm totally within budget this month. And that's AFTER splurging on books and spending money in Vilnius without care! Look at me! After such struggles, I'm financially finally doing well! I've saved so much this month! I'll finally breach the milestone of 5000 bucks saved before summer! This is incredible! My one goal for the next 24h: Get my stuff done that's on the list and try to make it to the park today. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Did it a few hours ago. I dialed it down on purpose. Now I only have to complete 2-3 lessons instead of 3-4. I might dial it down again if I feel like it's too much. -Make the bed - SO did it. Yay! -Drink enough water - I tried to drink a lot yesterday. I'll bring a big bottle with me to the park. This is still a struggle... -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it in a bit, when I shower to go to the park. -No daydrinking at home alone - Wasn't alone. Had sake with my SO over sushi. -Meditation - I feel like sitting down and meditating feels like a bigger effort than driving 20 min to the park to walk around in silence. So I'll go for the latter in a bit. -Exercise once this week - There's Krav Maga tomorrow night. But I'm still a bit ambiguous about whether or not I'll go. Walking fucks up my knees so I need a bit of recovery, but it seems the park benefits my mind majorly. So I'll see how my body feels tomorrow.

Detox day 5. "Digital detox or not?" I might be imagining things, but I feel like something changed in me yesterday. Like, I connected with something inside of me that I haven't been in touch with in a while, sadly. I hope I make it to frequenting the park more often and turning off my phone. It made me sad and helped me realize there were some things very wrong. But at least it was real. There was nothing numbing me, no podcasts or music playing, no screens in the background with favorite sitcoms... Maybe this is something crucial that I had been missing, some form of focus on life, consciousness, mindfulness, ... Tomorrow I leave for Lithuania for about 4 days. I'm still not sure if I should bring my laptop or not. Part of me doesn't want to waste any time and wants to work. Surely there will be boring moments there, no? Or moments where I'll feel a bit lost in translation or bored or anxious with having to hang out with the crew or my colleague actress. I sometimes just don't have the juice to socialize with people. But another part of me thinks I should just embrace the challenge and go screenless. I'll still have my phone in case of emergency. Anyway, today will be all about cleaning this place up a bit, cooking food for my SO and prepping my trip. Recent highlight: Falling asleep in the arms of my SO. Budget status: Still okay. Forgot to talk about the SO about using the misused card. My one goal for the next 24h: Get my travel bag together. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Just finished it. -Make the bed - Did it as soon as I woke up. -Drink enough water - Well, it's 10 am so I obviously haven't done it yet. Maybe I can get a jug of water set close to me or something today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I have a gig tonight, so I'll probably do it when I need to get ready for it. -No daydrinking at home alone - All good. -Meditation - I might dabble. But the walk yesterday is still keeping me a bit grounded. -Exercise once this week - I won't make it to Krav Maga. But my legs are still sore so I don't want to push my luck anyway. I assume travelling the next few days will imply a lot of walking.

This reminds me of an acting exercise I took part in a while ago. It was a class on intimacy and how to be able to use it as a tool while acting. The first exercise was to simply kiss every single person in the class. Weird, but there was so much logic applicable there. The teacher had figured out that kissing somebody new was a novel thing and would throw people off their game. So he got it out of the way as soon as it all started. He called it killing your giggling Japanese school girl. The jitters you get, butterflies, nervousness or blushing? You don't get it while doing a scene if you've already kissed that actor or actress a few times during exercises or drills. Kissing and intimacy then transformed into something in our toolboxes to use while doing scenes, without it being something we'd fret about. It was suddenly just a common thing we could deal with while keeping a level head. Maybe it's like that? Maybe this is you, slowly but surely getting to grips with all of these things. Maybe in the future, you won't respond so twitterpated and be able to keep a clear focus on being in the present? ^^ In any case, I admire how conscious you try to remain while being social with people. It's like you're really really trying hard at connecting and being a more solid human. Mad props, man!

Detox day 4. "Shinrin-yoku." Inspired by the above comments I've realized that I have indeed been numbing myself a bit too much, have been taking on and escaping into projects and Netflix too often and have taken on too much stuff on my plate. I'm starting to see that I'm not that good at relaxing or enjoying down time. I get restless rather quickly. So I'm trying something new called Shinrin-yoku, a Japanese term that kind of means something along the lines of taking a frequent 'nature bath'. Walking around in nature, enjoying the breeze, finding some peace and quiet. Kind of like taking a moment for yourself like taking and enjoying a hot bath. But instead of surrounding yourself with water, it's with nature. And also you're not naked. I just came back from a walk in a nearby nature reserve. It's 20 minutes away and it always felt like it's so far. I should've done this sooner. I sat down to gives my bad knees a rest and for the first time in a while, I winded down. I noticed that I felt stressed and sad and started learning why. It's being overwhelmed, the 1000 notifications on my phone, the many responsibilities, the state of our apartment and the lack of cleanliness and structure, ... And ironically, then I started getting overwhelmed by how big the mountain seems of what'll need changing to be a bit more at ease in life. I figured it was a good step and deemed it wise to go at it slowly. I'll try to go there sometimes or like once a week, we'll see. For the remainder of the day, I'll try to clean up the place a bit, I have a class to teach all of a sudden because of a colleague getting sick last minute and cook some food. Tomorrow is my last day because I'm leaving for Vilnius Wednesday morning. I'm hoping I'll be more mindful of my limits and how much stimuli I can process. I shouldn't listen to podcasts or music or watch series all the time. It's like there's always some sound or images in my periphery. I should try and find a bit more peace. Recent highlight: The walk in the nature reserve. Budget status: Kind of okay for now. But my SO keeps using our shared account for random expenses because she keeps losing her own personal card. I'll have a talk with her tonight. My one goal for the next 24h: Try to mind my stress levels a bit and stay mindful. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Did it yesterday, I think. I'm not taking it serious for now to avoid pressuring myself too much. -Make the bed - Did it this morning. -Drink enough water - I feel like I drink daily. Just not as much as I should be. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll probably do it later tonight before I go and teach a class. -No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Nah, okay. -Meditation - I'm not sure if the shinrin-yoku counts, but if so, I had a peaceful 40 minutes today. -Exercise once this week - I did about 10,000 steps today according to my counter.

Hey man, thanks for the response. I feel like you bring up valid points. For example, because of the last few days being so swamped and busy, I had decided to take today off. But the first thing I did today was make a list of priorities of stuff that needs to get done this week... I'm starting to see how 'relaxing' is rather difficult for me. It does seem like I use work or other things that keep me busy as a tool to stay away from down time. I'm a pretty energetic guy, I've always had issues with being at peace and being more restful. I've talked about it with my former therapist and have seen the light. It made me realize the importance of slowing down and being more at ease with things, without wanting to scramble and intervene. I just haven't figured out exactly how. Nature, tea, meditation, ... Maybe I should go on walks more or something? Or try to get some 'shinrin-yoku' going on once a week? To properly answer your question, down time usually means that I sleep in and wake up slowly. I make coffee and watch Netflix and maybe read my book but slowly stuff like notification, emails or social media will start to slip in. My daily goals creep in and suddenly I 'HAVE TO' meditate, do my Japanese exercises, ... I tend to automatically pressure myself into doing all these things for my benefit, stuff I'll get something out of like a healthier life, a sharper mind, ... My SO (Elien, I know, it's foreign spelling so I don't blame you; it actually made me giggle) says that she sees me always being on the lookout for new ways to improve myself but she never sees me accepting things as they are. It feels so weird realizing this. It's like I'm somehow handicapped. Rationally, I know that there's a part of me that really craves more mindfulness and peace. But it's like there's the flaming hot engine inside of me, flames bursting out of the exhaust pipes, roaring and eager to bite down on the next project. But it's encased in a tired body. So to compensate, the engine roars twice as hot. I need to take that all down a peg, but I haven't really figured out how. It takes mental effort to pipe it down a bit, to meditate or find something to calm me down, like reading. Mental energy is often scarce because of all of the stuff I'm doing. I think I'll only truly be able to stay clean for long stretches once I figure out how to be more calm again. Maybe I should go do yoga or something? I have been thinking of leaving Krav Maga for a while and substituting it with boxing or kickboxing because of the competition element or yoga because it's still a good workout but also way more peaceful. Thoughts, opinions, advice anyone?

Not yet. I'm still trying to figure out what was at the base of it all. I think I was missing something somewhere. Obviously games left me with a hollow feeling, but those first few moments of relapsing felt kind of nice. I might need some form of competition back into my life. I've been playing with the idea of taking up boxing or some form of martial arts other than Krav Maga. I can really imagine myself minding my diet, my body and my mind way more if it means that I have to beat somebody. But I'm not sure it's a good idea because if I bust up my face, my acting career will take a few licks here and there 😛 Krav Maga is great, it really is, it ticks so many boxes. But I think that competition is one of the things I was lacking that games were giving me. I need to feel challenged in some way. But then again, I was also looking for something relaxing. I have more books now and am going to try and be more mindful of all of this. Usually when I relapse I have a clear and precise answer as to why. Now, I'm not so sure...

Detox day 0. "Rock bottom." I fell off the wagon. I was looking for a 'why' and a 'how' before I came back here. I think I wasn't being honest with myself for a while. I had discovered I was able to watch gameplay videos. This led to binging several hours and hours of content; mostly of games I wished I'd be able to play. Stuff with strong stories. I still believe that games can be used as an amazing medium for storytelling. But it's starting to be more and more clear that I just am not able to hold my urges back. From the beginning of my previous day 1, I had been sneaking pornoghrapic stuff. I have this app that lets you block content for you own protection. I started seeking out porn under the guise of opening the URL so that I may block it properly. And when I opened it, I thought I might as well look around a bit. I never really did crack fully, but I don't think I started my previous run cleanly. Combine that with the gameplay videos and even using my Instagram to look at lewd stuff, it was all dead on arrival to be honest. On top of it all, the depression/burnout stuff with my partner wasn't a happy Christmas present either. It took a major toll on our relationship. She's on antidepressants now and they seem like some sort of miracle drug; but we're still recovering. She saw me spiral and had a front row seat. I was honest to her though. And we went through the motion of it all. She took away my phone (my pc, luckily, is crap so I can only play games on my phone) but I angrily explained to her that I have to decide to quit it all myself and forcing that decision on me will only make matters worse. She saw a very, very ugly side of me. I was manipulative and addicted like a maniac. But even there I made a huge effort to be honest about it. I told a few of my friends even. I notice that we're all struggling with something in our own way. Life is hard, you know. Everybody's got some demon to battle. It's like this is simply what life is. Endlessly fighting the hordes of bad stuff. No wonder people get addicted to escapist things like games, porn, booze or drugs. I feel obliged to say that it's not all bad. There are moments of love and peace and because of all of the bad stuff in the world and in our lives, we should try doubly so to appreciate those and make time for them. I had one night where I reached a low point. I wanted to stop playing this game, but I just couldn't. I could feel myself being stuck, a victim of my impulses. I think I maybe played for 14 hours straight. My SO went to bed and I could see the disappointment in her eyes, but continued anyway. It got to the point where I started drinking cheap scotch at 3 am. Partly because I wanted to numb myself because I felt so bad, disgusted, angry and sad. Partly, to save myself. I think I drank the entire remaining half. I couldn't even walk anymore. I just crashed on the couch, room spinning. I was a mess and drunk off my ass. But I had succeeded in making another impulse winning from the impulse to game, sadly that winning impulse was the need to lie down and sleep because I was so wasted and might vomit. My partner found me a few hours later. She patched me up and laid me to bed. I can't believe she's still here after seeing that debacle... I've now installed new porn filters, but Instagram is still a hole. I use it professionally so I can't really delete it. And there's not +18-filters because IG already filters stuff themselves. So it's on me and my willpower and finding ways to combat it. I'm sure there's still ways to find it on my pc, but the filter is pretty rigorous. I just hope that this time, I'll make it to 90 days. I can feel myself being more numb, not appreciating life as much. Like there's this filter been pulled over it all. I'm not as efficient or focused and I want to get rid of it. But I can't seem to let it go just yet... So no porn, but still games on my phone. But I feel like trying to be more honest this time and reminding myself that it's super important to detox for my most precious thing: my brain. Recent highlight: Rediscovering the series 'Scrubs'. Budget status: Happy that I'm keeping an eye on things. My SO tends to lose her own debit card and then uses our shared one. It sounds more malicious than it is, she just loses everything often. Her phone, wallet, ... I'm pretty sure one day this might cause a disaster. In any case, financially okay. Even got another commercial! I am being flown out to Lithuania next week! What a mindfuck! I'm getting flown out to another country to shoot a commercial. How crazy is this?! My one goal for the next 24h: Try to make it through the day and not lose too much of my efficiency to my games. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Haven't done it in a while. -Make the bed - Told this habit to go fuck itself for a few days. I restarted this yesterday. -Drink enough water - I am totally dehydrated. Blame the booze and the games and the lack of structure. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - When I needed to groom, I did this. But not as much as I used to. -No daydrinking at home alone - See the story above. Apart from that, all week, just 2 beers last night because of my aching muscles. -Meditation - Haven't done this in a while, sadly. I installed my old Calm app. It gave reminders to meditate and had worked the best for me in the past. -Exercise once this week - Haven't been to Krav Maga. Self-destruction and shame are why, basically. But I did cycle about 15 km this week (I AM SORE) and yesterday and the two coming days are really bust and I'll be on my feet a lot. So I'm skipping praccy tonight because I'm already hurting a bit and am not looking to fuck myself up even more.

Day 63. "Reality." - Trigger warning: Videogames It was a bit awkward when she came back from work. We'd have to leave rather quickly to get to the VR thing. She wasn't really talking to me so I figured I'd leave it at that. Playing games in VR might give a bit of catharsis. It also scared me a bit because of the gaming addiction. I felt like it was the right move, though. We'd need to vent some steam together and I figured it was worth skipping Krav Maga to be together in these trialing times. She expressed her insecurities and considered cancelling. If she did, I would have gone without her, probably. I saw they had this cool gladiator-type game and I felt like crushing some skulls. Mainly because I would get crazy exercise that way, I jump and swing around a lot and I needed to get rid of my excess energy and frustrations. In the end, I told her I believed it would be fun and healthy for us. I'm happy she came along because it was great fun. She played Beat Saber for a bit and I sliced and diced gladiators and then we did this co-op zombie shooter thing. We had to communicate and rely on each other. 2 hours flew by and we have once more giggling and having fun like we did months ago before all of this mess started. The whole VR thing is a major grey area for me. It's super important to be vigilant when it comes to playing video games. When relapsing in the past, I couldn't control myself. And one could argue that spending 45 bucks to play 2 hours of VR is problematic. Now there is some disposable income nowadays and it's what you'd spend for a solid dinner or a fun night of entertainment or at a fancy bar. So as long as spending money isn't becoming dangerous, I think we're good. And I still remember the head rush that games or porn used to give me. This wasn't like that. It didn't feel addictive. I was sad or more like surprised when we were done, but not because I wanted to play more, it was because I wanted to have fun with my SO more. If I would have done it all alone for 2 hours, it may have felt weird. But the owner was fun and we'd connected over our love of Japan. I might go back there some time. Probably with my partner though, just to be safe. All in all it was a nice night, though I'm still a bit careful with the whole VR-thing. I'm so excited about the Professional Dungeon Master stuff. I just can't wait to start crafting a whole world and several plots for them. I'm so eager to start. They seemed to respond receptively on the mail I sent with my prices and what to expect. I hope I can start soon... Recent highlight: Playing VR-games with my SO. Budget status: Having money is deceptive. I should be mindful of what I spend, but I know that I have a lot nowadays. A dangerous thing... My one goal for the next 24h: I have to make the schedules. I hate that. If I finish 1 thing today, I hope it's that. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - All clear. -Make the bed - Did it this morning. -Drink enough water - I hope to get a better water-day today. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I usually do it at least once a day, often before I go out. I'll probably do it later today before I head to improv. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had whisky yesterday. Problematic... For the last week I've been drinking more. Obviously because of the stress and my SO's dark thoughts... -Meditation - Monday: No. Tuesday: No. Wednesday: Not yet. -Exercise once this week - Still a bit sore from last night, so it was a good workout. Next up will be improv tonight and tomorrow there's Krav Maga.

Day 62. "Break up? Where'd she get that from?" So I had a pretty messy day yesterday. I did manage to food prep and got a lot of work done in the afternoon/evening. I have a gig I'm trying to secure that involves me being a professional DM. Because of that I went to bed rather late last night. My SO has to get up rather early so I didn't want to keep her up. She went to bed at midnight and I about an hour later. I was on my PC a bit and then read a bit in the living room to calm my mind down and detox a bit from all of the screens. She was taken a bit by surprise by this. I usually go to bed earlier than her, or at the same time, read some and then go to sleep. I have this LED-reading light I use, but it's not exactly ideal. I figured it'd be better to just do it in the living room instead of next to her, she has to get up at 6:30 am. She was taken aback but I clarified that it was because I didn't want to bug her and she needs her sleep. I got to bed a bit later and it turned out she was still awake, hadn't even slept at all. I wanted to spoon her, but she kept pushing me off. I gave her her space after she asked for it rather clearly. But obviously she was upset about something, her breathing was off and I thought I heard light sobbing. She had set a clear physical boundary minutes earlier, so I wasn't going to mess with that. And after trying to ask some smaller things like if she wanted to talk, would like some water, ... was met with short, stern answers. I kept wondering why this was happening, if I'd maybe done or said something wrong. I had no idea! We've booked a two hour VR session later tonight. I hope to have a solid talk with her before we go. Also, I hope I don't lose control and enjoy it too much. I'd love to let off some steam and really get phyisical. But I also want to stay vigilant. I shouldn't be afraid of doing stuff like that, just being mindful is enough. Recent highlight: Posting about being a Pro DM on Reddit and getting lots of responses. Budget status: All good. I cancelled my weekly budget thing. It seems like for now it won't be necessary anymore. My one goal for the next 24h: Try to knock off as many things of my work list for today. There's a lot though. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Good! -Make the bed - Done! -Drink enough water - Didn't drink yesterday, but I'll get my water bottle in a second when I move to the table. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday. And I'll probably do it today before I leave for the VR. -No daydrinking at home alone - Nothing today. -Meditation - Monday: No. Tuesday: Probably, but not yet. -Exercise once this week - I'll probably skip Krav Maga in lieu of VR (dangerous, I know). I know myself and I'll probably bounce off the walls trying to do stuff so I'll dress sporty and bring deodorant. I'm really looking to exercise and play with my SO.

Day 61. "Raw." Well, there's 29 days to go. I have a special Japanese bottle of tea in the fridge that I've been keeping for when I make it to 90 days. It suddenly seems so oddly within grasp. Though I'm less focused on the day to day stuff than making it to 90 days. I had a pretty big conversation/discussion/fight with my SO last night. Because of her depression/burnout/whatever we should be calling it I feel weird. It's like I'm walking on eggshells, no longer able to speak my mind honestly out of fear of hurting her feelings. She's more sensitive and insecure because of her scrambled brain, of course. And she's also been more on edge. It's putting a lot of pressure on the relationship. But because of me swallowing my thought, feelings and words more often, I've been starting to feel a bit repressed. I eventually gave in and just told her everything. It was a long conversation that led us to both venting and nagging. I think it was healthy to put everything on the table. But I'm also quite sure that it messed her up. She's scared she no longer good enough for me or that the depression stuff will tear us apart or that I just live at a different speed as she does and she's afraid she's holding me back and that I'll either leave or she'll leave me out of guilt for seeming to hold me back. It's a bit of a mess. But you should be able to speak your mind in a relationship. I felt like I was stuck in a catch 22. If I'd tell her, it'd lead to a big thing because there's no way she'd shrug it off, not take it personally or be able to look at it for what it is instead of internalizing it. If I didn't tell her, I'd be losing a part of myself and sacrifice self-respect for keeping the peace and I'm not like that. We ended up admitting to having some issues with the way we do the housekeeping, the power dynamic, nagging, ... Like most couples, we're not perfect and we're still looking for our equilibrium, I think. For now, I just want to get through the month without big issues. We're not having a lot of sex because of her insecurities. I don't want to lose her. But I can't help but fantasize what would have happened to me or my life if I had not met her and lived the last year without her. Would I have been better off or not? Probably not, she's very kind, loving and supportive. But the thoughts still seep in and creep up. Because of all of the stress, I had lots of issues starting my day normally. I still feel a bit raw after last night. Because of that: daydrinking. Something in me just snapped when I saw the mess she'd life in the kitchen and because I couldn't find the appliance I use to cut onions. It made me realize that I'm pretty angry or frustrated and tend to point to her first as the reason. I wonder where that anger comes from. I look forward to Krav Maga, but I'm thinking of booking a VR-session tomorrow afterwards. A new friend of mine has a business in the city centre and they have this cool gladiator like game. It seems like a great way to blow off some steam. But also Krav Maga seems like a great similar move. Maybe I should just leave it and not tempt myself with gateway stuff... I'm still a bit in dubio. Recent highlight: Seeing some estranged family members on the weekend. Budget status: SO paid what she owed me, I now am financially safe for while, it seems. Feeling good. My one goal for the next 24h: Just do what I had planned to do today, mainly work stuff. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - All good. -Make the bed - Did it this morning too. -Drink enough water - Haven't had a drop yet, but I'm sure the thirst will kick in later. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I hope/assume I'll do it later today. Haven't even showered or groomed myself yet because of the whole self-destruction and stress thing... -No daydrinking at home alone - Started drinking rather soon today... Maybe I should do the next 90 days without drinking? -Meditation - Monday: No. -Exercise once this week - Krav Maga tomorrow and maybe some intensive VR afterwards. I'll be super sore but I'll feel great.

This deserves more updoots.

Day 59. "Still sore." I'm so excited for the suit. It's going to be a dark purple with a lighter shade of purple in the inside; the fabric under the collar will be flashy yellow because it's playful and matches the suit but it's so flashy so I had it put in a place where it won't stand out too much. I'll have a golden embroidering on the inside that says "Ikigai". I'm so fucking pumped. I was really fucking tired yesterday. The biking around and the Krav Maga left my body in tatters. Sadly, in my quest to lose a bit of weight, I gave in to my cravings and had a big plate of pasta, some ice cream and indulged in some Japanese whisky. My weight keeps circling the 80 kilos but I'd prefer to be under it. I keep proper track of it now that I have a fancy weight scale. The comedy gig last night went great. I made about 90 bucks. It's slowly turning into a great passive income. I just use some connections, put some feelers out and attract comedians. The place was packed! Really happy with the turnout and the performances. I hope we can keep this going! I'm feeling a bit under the weather. Now I'm fine, but I woke up with a bit of a swollen throat. I might be picking up the illness that my girl has been carrying. I'm pretty sure my immune system is a bit tougher than hers is right now, so I hope it just passes me by. I have a great party planned tonight and a big family thing tomorrow. The party tonight is one I have been looking forward to since November and it's the whole reason why I bought LED-shoes! So I really don't want to miss it. But I'll be out and about, drinking and dancing, so the morning after would be the ideal moment for the disease to strike! But tomorrow I have to go see my great-aunt. After the divorce the contact with my dad's side of the family kind of withered. But after grandma's death a year ago, things have been stirring about. She wants to see us. And maybe rekindle things? So it's kind of a big deal, I think. I don't want to get sick in any case. Recent highlight: Picking out the fabrics and colors of my to be suit. Budget status: The suit's deposit sets me back about 600. But I knew that in advance. My unemployment money came in though, so quick! Gotta love my union... So I guess money worries are kind of gone for a while now. Just gotta make it into the Starterslab program. I have an info session on the 11th that should get me an intake with Starterslab. My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the party tonight without inviting the disease to take over my body because I'd like to have some semblance of good health tomorrow at my family's. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Nothing new under the sun. -Make the bed - I seem to be the first one awake often, I slip out of bed and start my day and my SO shows up a few hours later. -Drink enough water - Didn't exactly nail it yesterday XD But at the very least I drink water on the daily. So it's still an improvement. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did it yesterday. Probably will do it in a bit after I shower and get ready to go shopping. -No daydrinking at home alone - Indulged in Japanese Whiskey. I was so happy with the whole suit thing, I just had to. -Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes. Friday: Yes. Saturday: Not yet, but I think I'll skip it because feeling lazy. -Exercise once this week - Still sore from Krav Maga, but I should be able to make it to both practices next week. Also, still doing lots by bike. But damn am I sore!

Day 58. "It hurts when I breathe." Good god... Krav Maga was brutal. Everything hurts... I did notice how I was basically jumping at the opportunity to grab my gloves and armor and go fighting. At the end of almost every practice, we armor and glove up and pick random opponents to try and beat. We hit at 100% the speed but at 30% of the strength. So you don't really get hurt but you do get hit. It teaches you you're not made of glass and that dodging is important, but that you can get tired in a fight easily too but you have to be able to break through that. I also learned how important defense is. I once had a fight with a guy who told me so and kept hitting me square in the face every single time he found an opening. Harsh. But I never drop my defense now. I might be a bit masochistic, but nowadays I tend to look for bigger and stronger opponents. I have a lot of energy and tend to jump around a lot. It's a weird drunken master type of thing. I'm still lacking a lot of technique. But I totally enjoy the process of bobbing and weaving, dodging and kicking and finding holes in their defense to punch through. Afterwards we had drinks and I got to meet one of the minors in the group, Ellen. Cool kid, cute too. But she told me about how she's had like 3 stepmoms already and she's only 15. She also drank pretty strong beers. Last night it was all cool and shit. But now I'm a littble bit worried... She might not have that good a home and my big brother senses are kicking in, but I'm not really eager to overstep any boundaries. I did have a lot of fun, though. I really want to try and make consistent efforts for my body and mental health to make it to praccy, but also to hang out afterwards. They're such fun people and I'm really getting to know them properly now that I go there more often and hang out. Also, everything hurts even more because I biked across town 4 times. UGH. I bike way more now than I used to because of my health. It's slowly becoming another positive habit, yay! But goddammit does my body crave my bed now. Djeezes... I went to the review meeting and it all went smoothly. I have an appointment on the 11th to go to a government center for people like me who need some help starting up. I thought it would be dire to get into Starterslab, but it turns out it's a free choice kind of system. So I have to sit through the boring info sesh on the 11th, then say I pick Starterslab and then I have to survive the intake process. They'll grill and flambé me and I'll have to come up with hard facts and predictions of income and all that jazz. I'll really have to back up what I'm selling. So I guess all that horrible paperwork I put myself through won't be for nothing, ey? In an hour I'll go to the tailor to get my body all measured up for the suit. My friends can't come, but it's cool. One of them even called to apologize. What a nice guy. It's probably going to be boring anyway. When the suits made and gets fitted on my person, that'll be a way more important day. Afterwards, I'll be working from home, doing paperwork I left lying around and tonight is the comedy night I organize. Hopefully, all goes well! Recent highlight: The fun we had after the Krav Maga at the bar Budget status: Ended the month in the black for both the household budget and my own. Yay! My one goal for the next 24h: Enjoy the rest of the day. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - All good 🙂 -Make the bed - Got out of bed first, and my SO usually leaves it lying in chaos. -Drink enough water - Nailed it yesterday and already had my first 3/10 of today. I drink water daily now, it seems; just not the whole 2 liters per day thing. Yet 😉 -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - About to do it before I leave for the tailor. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had some when out with the Krav Maga group. Might have a whiskey later today, I wanted to do it before the tailor's, but there's no time left to properly enjoy it. And I feel like you shouldn't just waste it, you need to take a moment for it. -Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes. Friday: Yes. -Exercise once this week - Krav Maga was a murder on my muscles. Everything aches. I also did a lot this week by bike and there's crazy dancing planned for tomorrow night. So yay!

Thanks man. It is indeed horribly confusing and easy to misconstrue things. When I was going through it I felt so alone, lost in the darkness with no lifelines at all. So I figured I'd try to give her what I needed back then. Options, help, places to look for answers, books, guidance, ... But that doesn't seem to be the way to go, which surprised me a lot! We had a few talks and I just try to play it by ear nowadays. Time'll tell, I hope.

Day 57. "Differences." So yesterday I spent the whole day working to prep for the meeting that's taking place tomorrow. I came up with a name for my business and tried to fill out their tedious forms and spreadsheets. It took me hours and hours. I hate it, a lot of it is redundant or just simply not applicable to my case. But they have my fate in their hands, so I'll jump through their stupid paper hoops. My SO was still sick at home, but today she left for work. She's feeling a bit better and really wanted to do the stuff that was on her planner for today. I was annoyed all day yesterday, though. I cautioned her to leave me alone because I'd be in a foul mood until the paperwork was done. Of course that prompted her to ask me about 1000x how everything was going during the day... That girl, man, honestly... But in any case I finished the stuff, sent it through and gave myself a pad on the back. After that I got a message telling me I got through to the second round of a casting that I'd put myself up for. But I needed to make a véry specific video to advance. UUUUUGH. Marketing firms have such ridiculous standards and more often than not, none of it is really relevant. So I have it when I have to jump through hoops like that. But it's a well paid gig and I'd get to travel to Vilnius, Lithuania for 4 days plus the nice paycheck. That's worth it. But the whole day my girl had be asking about going for a walk together, she wanted to stretch her legs but didn't want to go alone. But I felt it was important for me to seize the opportunity and make the video. In the end, there was no time left and I was about to leave for improv training. I ended up cancelling improv to go for a walk with her. We ended up eating out and having drinks. I had been stressing and bitching all day. I'm so lucky that she's able to be so patient with me. We ended up having fun. But I notice that it's taking a toll on our relationship that I work from home all the time and that because of that and her working from home, it's messing a bit with our balance. We probably see more of each other than other couples and it's easier to get tired of each other or annoyed. On top of that I like going for walks, but she wants to go get a coffee or a cocktail. She only thinks about having fun, where I think about how much spending money I still have left for this week... We're so different sometimes. Thank heavens we love each other and are able to talk to each other. I'm happy that I made having a date with her a priority. She had dolled herself up for the first time in a while and I didn't want to ruin her fragile confidence. I'm still a bit conflicted about all of it. And though it was a bit impulsive and I may have spent more than I wanted to, I still feel like it was the right move. Recent highlight: Getting through to the second round of the casting, what a lovely surprise! And the feeling of relief after sending the administration files from hell to the consultant. Budget status: Spent about 20 bucks last night on food and drinks that I could have dodged. But we took it from our household fund. Hope it doesn't mess things up, we're still figuring things out with our joint account. Got a small payout from my prison gig, so I'll end the month in the black instead of in the red ^^ and my SO owes me about 1000 bucks because of the safety deposit for the appartment. So next month should be crazy lucrative. If this goes on, I'll have more money than I've éver had in about a few months! That's crazy! My one goal for the next 24h: Nail the review meeting tomorrow to the wall. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Still keeping it up. -Make the bed - Did it this morning. -Drink enough water - Lately I've been drinking water daily, but sometimes just not enough. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it before I go to practice. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had drinks with the SO last night, but not alone and not during the day, so cool. -Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. Thursday: Yes. -Exercise once this week - Didn't get to improv so I'll probably overcompensate a bit during Krav Maga tonight, if I know myself well. On top of that, there's a crazy party this Saturday night, so dancing all night counts too, right? I mean, we're not taking into account the alcohol I'll consume, this isn't about health, right? It's about exercise! Hahaha, right? ...

Day 56. "Professional D&D Dungeon Master." I had a great meeting yesterday. And some fun news. But also had a fight with my SO. The meeting yesterday was with an NGO that helps out people with physical or mental disabilities. I talked with the ones responsible for their leisure activities and they wanted a meeting about D&D. I explained the intricacies of running a good campaign and what would be the subtle risks involved when dealing with people with mental disabilities, but that there are a gajillion options if you play your cards right. I basically just pitched how cool D&D was and tried to maneuver myself (Medici family from Renaissance Italy-style) as their life line to a successful idea. After about an hour they asked me to be the DM for their people. We agreed on a starter campaign of 5 people, 2 of which with handicaps. I am to send them an overview of my price range, what services I'd offer and so on... If all goes well, and it's kind of looking like it, I might be and actual professional Dungeon Master. Mindfuck! Last night, my SO got a call from work. At 10 pm, during movie night. I said something mean and passive aggressive and we had a fight afterwards, but it lead to a good heart-to-heart. I am afraid of what'll happen with her mental state. I don't want to lose her. I've been to dark places before and it breaks my heart to see her struggle with them. It's like she's walking towards a spike pit trap and I'm trying so hard to pull her the other way, I'm not seeing clearly enough to notice that I'm ripping her arm off in the process. I'm supposed to have faith she'll notice in time and dodge the spikes. I'm afraid and panicky. But she's also concerned that our relationship is becoming a bit more like caretaker or a dad. Partly because of me, but also because she kind of pushes me into that role: she needs a lot of help and confirmation. I think it was a healthy step forwards. But like most couples, we're a long way from being perfectly attuned to each other. I also got some random news. In a few months there's the improv getaway weekend. We get food, drinks, parties, events, classes, ... 4 days of fun! And it's been announced there's going to be a Snatchgame (like from RuPaul's Drag Race) and a Lip Sync Battle! I am so totally up for this. I had a great idea: Interpretative Dance! I'm not a good diva or dancer but I'm very eager to win. I asked if it would be okay because I want to win and be original but don't feel like I want to break rules. Long story short, I have about 3 months to learn how to do this: Recent highlight: The D&D meeting. So excited! Budget status: Okay for now. I have savings if I need to pay something, but my regular account is kind of depleted. I'm supposed to get some cashola soon, though. But I'm not sure when it'll arrive. I go to get the unemployment money on Friday, so I assume the wire transfer will come through somewhere next week, ish. But there's already been money paid by me towards rent and groceries and such, so we're good. My one goal for the next 24h: Try to fill in as much as possible from the document for this Friday's meeting. Maintained habits: -Daily Japanese lesson - Did it this morning. -Make the bed - SO is still in bed (noon right now), so no. -Drink enough water - Yesterday I didn't make it, but I did drink a lot. So let's hope today will be the same. -Brush teeth two times a day, floss and clean once a day - I'll do it when I prep for improv tonight, I think. Or when I need a break from paperwork. -No daydrinking at home alone - Had 2 whiskey-colas yesterday during ironing. Kind of to celebrate the great meeting. -Meditation - Monday: Yes. Tuesday: Yes. Wednesday: Yes. -Exercise once this week - Practice was cancelled last night. UGH! I'll bike to improv tonigh and try to be as physical as possible to compensate.

She's doing okay, considering the circumstances. She stays in bed a lot. Getting through stuff like this is a slow and gradual process. Time will tell, I guess? She doesn't really have anybody but me for the moment. But she's got a therapist, will see our GP next week and she's planning on talking to a friend of hers about it. To be clear, she has lots of people that care for her, but she's not really making a big deal about what she's going through. Right now, I'm the only one that knows. She's not eager to tell her parents because they can be very overwhelming. I'm not sure it'd work for her. I've been considering handing her loads of stuff, help, books, experiences to get her through this. But it feels like she needs to do this on her own. My friend advised me that it's better to let her find her own path and that suggesting her things or helping her find solutions sometimes has an adverse effect because it's not coming from her own self. It's like dragging her to the world's best therapist, against her will, because of her own good. Nothing'll work unless she wants to get better. I have trouble letting go, though...