Natelovesboardgames

Days 37 & 38 I had hit a low point on Tuesday but yesterday and today were good so I'm feeling a lot better. On Wednesday morning I found a job opening through Linkedin for a flight attendant position with a small regional airline. I submitted an application. They then say to go to one of their recruiting events and it turned out the next one in Portland was the very next day. I went to the Rethinking Job Search class and that helped me to feel better. I decided that instead of jumping to a negative conclusion about not having heard back from Jenny the hiring manager who interviewed me last Thursday that it would be best to be proactive and call. I called at about 4pm but since the phone wasn't picked up in 5-6 rings they were probably busy and I'd try tomorrow. Wednesday evening I met up with Rodney who I'd gone on dates with 22 years ago. We went to happy hour and caught up for the last two hours. It's fun to see how much people have changed and yet how much they are still the same person. It was a lot of fun hanging out. I was dragging a little bit this morning after sleeping in. I only had two drinks yesterday but it's enough to make me a little more tired the next day. I called the store where Jenny was at around 3pm. She wasn't available when I called so when asked if I wanted to leave a message for her I gave my name, number, and to tell her I still wanted the job. She called back a few minutes later. She asked me if I had rethought the pay amount and I told her if the health and retirement benefits are as good as people say then it will be worthwhile to get my foot in the door and gave an acceptable range of pay rather than just a single dollar amount. She asked me to come in tomorrow and she would get the benefits information together and see what she could get for me. I think I got this. I went ahead and went to the flight attendant recruiting event. I gave them my resume and we waited in the room. There were 17 candidates total. The three recruiters gave a presentation about the company and about what life is like as a flight attendant the first couple years. Basically we would have to go live where they say and be poor for a couple years before we are no longer on reserve and are able to work in one of their locations we would prefer. They had us each go one at a time up to the front and give a one minute answer to the question "why I would be a good flight attendant". They then had a 30 minute break. After the break they posted 10 names on a list for people they wanted to do a one-on-one interview with. I was on the list. So I did an interview with Xioclotl (pronounced Sho-shee) which I think went alright. My resume looks great because the majority of jobs I left due to promotions. The question asked about being terminated from a previous employer was a struggle but I think I handled it okay. They will tell us the results in two weeks. Last night and tonight I talked to Matthew again. I feel so blessed right now. Goodnight all!

What kinds of things have you tried? One thing that helps me when I get all wound up is to write about what's going on. Something about the act of getting what i'm feeling onto paper helps me process it at the same time. Keep up the good work on the swimming! I really should start doing it again too.

Day 36 I didn't get a call back from the manager today that interviewed me last Thursday. I'm feeling blue. I went to my favorite thrift store this morning and found a few shirts. I searched for jobs online all this afternoon and didn't find any that were suitable for me. I surfed facebook and instagram for a couple hours. I cut up a chicken and cooked it along with some rice and broccoli then turned on the Netflix. I really hope my luck in the job search starts to change. It's now been six months. When I was unemployed back in 2001-2002 I started on with a temp agency. I temped for two years before I finally got hired on permanently at my last employer. I really don't want to go through that again. A part of me just wants to say fuck it all it's not worth trying anymore.

Day 35 In the Rethinking Job Search class I'm taking we're talking about a formula A+B=C where A = Activating Events B = Our Beliefs C = Result How we react to the events has a huge impact on the result. Many times our beliefs are flawed and learning to recognize what is called "risky thinking" and replacing it is going to lead to different results. So in a class exercise I went to my darkest activating event that has plagued me over the last few years. I imagine running into my old boss again at a new job. It brings up so many emotions when I do this. I feel sad, angry, defeated, worthless, anxious, cheated, and even some hate. My father was/is an alcoholic. He quit drinking when I was 8 years old but his behavior still had a huge impact on my life. Having an alcoholic parent trained me to tolerate a lot more bad behavior than most people. My former boss is a narcissist and probably an alcoholic as well. I truly believe this has a lot to do with my hurt and my emotional response. I don't want to hate her but I'm so angry. When I started thinking about revenge I realized being a narcissist she wouldn't learn anything from it and it would just make me look crazy. I'd like to forgive her someday and move on but I'm stuck. I figure after I have a new career I can let it go easier. I'm still working on forgiving my father too. After he quit drinking he was what Al-Anon refers to as a "dry drunk" which is someone whose behavior is just like it was when he was drinking. I suppressed so many emotions when I was a child and did everything I could to avoid him. I was afraid of him until I moved out. Our relationship has grown closer and evolved over the last several years. Then he and mom became Trump supporters now I can't take anything they say seriously when it comes to religion or politics. Yeah I know I'm great at seeing the sliver in someone else's eye while I've got a plank in my own (or however that saying goes). At work a few years back they had me and a number of coworkers take a class called Crucial Conversations. I need to confront my dad someday and tell him how I hurt. A part of me wants to sit there and yell at him for a couple hours. Then I realized it would be like he used to do to me when I was young. He would yell and yell and there was nothing I could do to make the situation better. I just had to sit there and cry and take it until he got tired of yelling. I suspect he has some emotional disregulation sort of like borderline personality disorder but not enough other symptoms. His emotions definitely fueled his addiction. I have one ex who is somewhat like my father. We dated for 3.5 years. The sex was always great but there was no way to discuss what the problems were in our relationship because in his mind I was the problem and I needed to change. I changed and I adapted and I accomodated to try to make the relationship work. It was never enough. Nothing was ever enough. I was so unhappy. I recognized that I was depressed and when I made the realization that the only thing that made me feel better was thinking about breaking up with him I knew I had to. It was hard because we still lived together for a year after the breakup. I made the mistake of having sex with him at Christmas which was six months after the break up and he started talking about "working on our relationship". I had to build a wall emotionally much like I had to do with my father. We're friends now but I hesitate to reach out to him much to do things socially because I'm afraid to let him in again where he can hurt me and tell me it's all my fault. I'm tired of being blamed by these three people for the things that went wrong. I don't know if my dad or my ex were narcissists but dammit if they only knew the pain they caused. I'm tired of trying to make people happy who cannot be. I'm tired of feeling... Oh thank God Matt is calling. Goodnight everyone!

When my friends from different parts of my life become friends with each other it really makes me feel good. In 2007 when I graduated from college my friends put this together as a gift. Got me all choked up at my graduation party. They all put a bunch of time and effort into making it and putting in each of their individual tributes. I didn't think I had done anything out of the ordinary but apparently it meant a lot to my friends and they all mean a lot to me.

Thanks Dannigan! There have been times that I needed some alone time but they've been rare as I seem to get plenty as it is. I generally seem to collect introverts as friends and accept that I'll likely be reaching out to them more than they will be reaching out to me. It also means I appreciate it a lot more when others do make an effort to reach out to me because I do tend to isolate myself when I'm down. One really great thing about this detox is my mood has been so much better in general! I hope you find a great place when the time comes!

Day 33 & 34 Went and got my haircut Saturday morning. My friend Kristie has been cutting my hair since 1999. We're the same age and we've supported each other throughout our relationship ups and downs in that time. One of the hardest parts about moving or getting a crappy work schedule would be figuring out how to get to keep seeing her for a haircut. Back in '99 I was working in a Wells Fargo way out in the Eastern suburbs of Portland and she was a customer. We always had fun when I helped her at the bank and I told her one day I wanted her to cut my hair (I was looking for a new stylist). We bonded quickly and I always look forward to talking with her. She's been really supportive about my quitting video games. It was also exciting to talk to her about how I may have found both a job and a guy. Well, trying not to get over excited since neither are certain at this point. Went to my friend Eric's 50th birthday party yesterday afternoon. He became a close friend at a time in my life when I really needed one. He was the first person I ever told that I was gay and it did not change our friendship. I met him playing Street Fighter 2 at the college arcade. I ran into him in the cafeteria one day and we had lunch together and that's where the friendship really started. We grew apart after he graduated college as he got married and had kids. It's not like we forgot that we were friends it's just life gets in the way sometimes and everyone just gets wrapped up in their own lives and forgets to reach out. Reach out though! The best of friends will allow you to pick right back up where you left off. We've run into each other at parties hosted by mutual friends these last few years and have talked about getting together more. I need to make a bigger effort here. In the evening I went to a 5 de Mayo BBQ hosted by my friends Carlos and Jesse. Carlos is a fantastic cook and it was a really good time with a lot of very nice people. Carlos is also deaf so half of the people at the party were deaf. It's harder to communicate without knowing ASL but sometimes you just have to take out your phone and tap out on the keyboard what you're trying to say. It's funny when I told Matthew about the BBQ via text the autocorrect changed it to "Carlos is dead so about half of the people at the party are too." I talked to Matthew last night on the phone for a couple hours again until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. Slept in this morning. Went to a board game meetup at noon and played a couple new games with Walt & Lynn and my friend Doug. We played Broadhorns and Sunset Over Water. Both were cute games but I don't feel the need to own either. Came home talked to Matt on the phone and played Chess at the same time on an app. It turns out he's a lot better at Chess than I thought he would be and he killed me three times out of three games. Makes me admire him more and more. I'm really competitive but winning is not the ultimate goal. Having fun is. I've dated a number of guys who didn't like games at all. I've dated a few who liked games casually or who tolerated playing occasionally as a favor to me. I definitely underestimated him and I was pleasantly surprised. Goodnight all!

Hey Beartic! Either go to meetup.com and look for D&D Adventures League going on at a local game store near you or pick up the new D&D 5th Edition starter set. It's got everything in the box you need to try it out for the first time. Get four of your friends together and run a game for them and see how it goes. Board games would require less planning and there's tons of meetups and great games out there now so I say go for it!

Day 32 Rethinking Job Search class went well. I wish I could have had this class maybe last December or January. A lot of what's being covered is really helpful. I read Lost Connections - Uncovering the Real Causes of Depression and the Unexpected Solutions by Johann Hari in March and that book had me look over and rethink what I was doing and my beliefs about my situation. Reading the book helped me to realize that gaming wasn't helping me to feel better about my life. If anything it was making me feel worse because of how much I was procrastinating. It was a vicious cycle. I'm glad I was able to recognize what changes needed to be made. My life isn't perfect by any means yet but my approach and attitude about it has renewed me and helped to give me more of a sense of purpose and accomplishment. The class is reinforcing that. Cleaned house and talked to Matthew briefly in the afternoon. Called to close my HSA to reimburse myself for COBRA payments (stupid USA healthcare system). Paid my bills. Went to the gym and ran into a buddy there who is always asking when we are going to coffee so I called him and left a message after. Had my friends over for game night. We played Secret Hitler, Tribune, Suburbia, and Terraforming Mars. Matthew and I kept texting each other throughout the evening and he called me after everyone left. We talked on the phone until about 2am.

Thanks Beartic but no offer yet. Likely Tuesday. Thanks for your encouragement. Infinity War was really great but you definitely need to be up to date with all the Marvel movies. If you haven't seen Dr Strange, Black Panther, Spiderman Homecoming, Captain America Civil War, Thor Ragnarok, and both Guardians of the Galaxy movies etc. you'll likely get lost at some point. Have you seen Love, Simon yet?

You did what I heard someone refer to once as "throwing your hat over the fence". What it means is now that you've put yourself in this situation you will find a way to get over the fence and get your hat. You will make this work. I thought about resigning from my job I had with my former employer before I got fired. I was so defeated and depressed at the time and worried about money it seemed impossible. Looking back maybe I could have done okay. If I had found game quitters last Summer maybe I would have made the changes I needed to and done the same thing. Bravo to you for taking the leap! In the end I think it will pay off for you.

Hang in there Bugg!

Day 31 A good friend of mine called me this morning. We met on a dating app over three years ago when he was living in Bahrain. He's a doctor now living in New York City. We met in person for the first time briefly last Summer when he visited Portland. He said I should marry him. I can't think of a reason why not other than my gut tells me there's something about him I don't know. I call it his crazy. If I were to figure out what his crazy was maybe I could. It's funny how people pop back up into your life when you've found someone that you're falling for. I take it as a sign that maybe something right is happening? And this is actually the second time someone has popped back in and expressed interest since I first met Matthew. My interview today went really well. I asked some tough questions and the manager answered them really well. My only concern is she said that my answer to the starting salary amount desired on the application is higher than she's ever started anyone at the company. I recognize that their starting pay is about $8/hour less than what I was making at my last job. Full benefits start after six months. She said she would contact me tomorrow or Tuesday. What I think she will do is offer me something around their starting amount. I'll ask for a copy of their employee insurance benefits information and 401(k) information. If those benefits are as good as they say they are then I'll likely take the job. It'll be hard work, and I'll lose a lot of free time due to the hours and working overtime. The vacation time is less than other companies. I'm so tired of being unemployed and looking for work though. Most of all, the boss and the two other employees at the store I talked to seemed great. All the employees of the company I've ever met seem great. I can do this. I talked to Matthew briefly on the phone around lunchtime and then by text throughout the afternoon. His birthday is May 13th. I told him I want to come up and take him out to dinner on the 12th. He seems thrilled. We decided on a restaurant in Seattle and I'll get a room for Saturday night. I can then go to my parents' on Sunday from there for Mother's day. I was kinda restless in the afternoon. I didn't feel like job searching or writing. I decided to start typing up my book. Typed up about 10 pages worth from my rough draft. Talked to my roommate for a while when he got home from work, cleaned the kitchen, goofed around on Facebook, and watched some Netflix. I also rolled out a bunch of stiff muscles with my foam roller. I'm beat. It was a very good day. Goodnight all!

Day 30 Rethinking Job Search class this morning went well. Interview this afternoon had to be postponed until tomorrow morning by the manager who had an emergency. She apologized on the phone I told her "it's okay it shows you I'm flexible". Went to the store then the gym. Came home and cooked chicken rice and broccoli. I'm falling asleep on the couch. Goodnight!

Day 29 I realized late last night that I had emailed off my cover letter, resume, references, and transcript for the job I applied for yesterday without converting them all to a .pdf format first. So I emailed them today with all the attachments in .pdf form and wrote sorry, I realized I forgot. I hope being honest and catching the mistake and fixing it fast will help. Dream job in Seattle #3 (City of Seattle Employee Retirement System) emailed me back with a decline. Oh well! It was worth a shot. I still haven't heard back from #1 or #2 yet. So I decided today to look up a local company with a good reputation and decided to see what kinds of jobs they had. I figure getting my foot in the door at a good company and working my way up would be preferable to temping. Last time I was unemployed I started temping and that's what got me into my last employer. Unfortunately I worked as a temp for two years before i finally was hired permanently. I'd rather not do that again. So I applied to this place and they had me do an online personality/customer service assessment. As soon as it was done it said they wanted to interview me. The time shown was 2:30pm that afternoon. So I went and had lunch with a friend then came home and did the phone interview. It went well and the recruiter had me submit an application online directly to the position. I have an interview tomorrow at 3pm. They're looking for people who want to grow with the company into management and they do a lot of promoting from within. It's going to be a more physically demanding job than I've been used to doing but I should be okay. It feels good to be wanted. Online said pay was $15-$20/hour I put that I wanted to start at $18. There will likely be lots of options for overtime and their benefits are excellent so let's see what happens. Oof I'm up late. Goodnight!

Day 28 I started a class today called Rethinking Job Search started by the state of Oregon. It looks to be a good class about overcoming the obstacles that keep us feeling trapped and helpless and depressed while being unemployed. It's going to run a month M-W-F 10-noon. It seems to be filled with a bright group of about 10 people in their 40s and 50s who could use a little help which is where I'm at. I'm so tired of all the clichés about the modern job search. Stuff like "build your brand" just irks me. We live in a world where we are constantly bombarded by advertising and have to constantly filter out the noise. You want me to try to stand out? How? Making noise? hahahaha! Sure it seems like it's all based on who you know anymore. I'm great at networking but I haven't had any luck figuring out how to leverage that network. I have so many friends who are in different fields and industries than I am. Sure I'm willing to learn something new. It makes me feel so drained thinking about it. I did find a competition today for a job I'm tempted to enter here https://travelguide.wowair.com I have no experience in video editing. The project seems daunting. Traveling though is something I want to do more. One year ago I visited Europe for the first time ever and it was a life changing experience. I have friends and acquaintances in over half the cities wowair has listed. I could do this... @Cam Adair do you have any recommendations for how I should try to edit together a two minute video about my town? Like what software or programs to use? Finished a job application for another company in Seattle today. It's a smaller company that needs my skill set and looks promising. They wanted my college transcript though. My GPA was 2.91 as I had some bad years. It took me 17 years from start to finish but I did finish! Of course I wasn't attending that whole time but college was a big unfinished part of my life for several years. I couldn't hold back the tears at the graduation ceremony in 2007. It was one of the happiest moments of my entire life. We'll see what happens. Goodnight all!

You're my kind of weird.

Day 27 Went to brunch this morning with my friend Tai at Pambiche which is a Cuban restaurant and quite good. He's been a good friend and was a former roommate. A friend of mine posted last week on Facebook that her mother had passed away. I used to work with both of them so I went to the service this afternoon. I didn't stick around after for very long but I told my friend I would call her in a week and schedule a lunch date with her. My friend Joey had texted me this morning saying something about a friend in town and taking him to the airport tomorrow and cooking dinner tonight so for some reason I got it in my brain that it was tomorrow night. I was being lazy trying to decide whether to go to the gym or eat or write and he texted me at 6:54pm saying "where are you?". I was like OMG! So I texted back "oops I thought it was tomorrow. I can be there in 20 minutes if that's okay?" and he said "get over here". We had a good time. I told them I'd quit video games and had been getting more items on the calendar but trying to keep track of it all in my head and should write it down. I told them how two weeks ago I showed up for my friends' BBQ a week early. It was just four people and we had a really nice time. Got home and texted Matthew and he called me. We talked for about 40 minutes. I can't stop smiling when I think about him. Goodnight all!

Day 26 Yesterday I was tired but managed to get my butt out of bed early enough to eat, drink coffee, and hike to the gym for yoga class. Yoga has gotten harder since I gained some weight back and lost some muscle but gotta start somewhere! The teacher on Saturday morning is amazing and always kicks my ass. I've always tried not to look at the clock during class. I try to hold out through the discomfort as long as possible. This time I was able to make it to the end without looking. I had a really hard time standing on my right leg only for more than just a second but I'll keep working on getting strength and balance built back up. Went and saw Infinity War in the afternoon. Before going Matthew and I texted a couple times. He said he "wouldn't mind a fwb situation if you're okay with that". I told him I was agreeable but "I just want you to know that mixed messages drive me bonkers. If you're flirting with me one moment and pushing me away the next it will mess with my brain ". I'd been in situations before with guys who had given me mixed signals before. I recognized that it was happening early on and was my primary reason why I reached the conclusion that he wasn't ready for a relationship. He texted back later that he was sorry about the mixed signals. He's been pretty open about his previous relationship difficulties and his desire to improve his life. He also said "I'm glad you're understanding about that and are able to handle my crazy haha". Later in the evening he messaged me asking what I was doing. I just plugged in an old movie. He asked if he could call me I said sure. We then talked for close to four hours. We talked for over an hour about his fitness routine and where he found good instructions and advice online. We talked about a lot of other things too. We could have kept talking. I don't know what will happen with this friendship whether it will end up being just a friendship or something more. I'm just trying to enjoy the moment. I definitely have feelings for him. I don't know exactly how he feels about me but there is definite chemistry between us. I am hopeful but have to be realistic that he may get scared if we get too close and push me away. This is one thing I've learned over the years that the saying "if you love someone set them free" doesn't necessarily apply to the end of a relationship. It's something often said to someone whose heart has been broken. It might be better at the beginning. Show the one you love that you them love in both actions and words. Take the risk and let them know how you feel. Be kind and be vulnerable. Be open and trustworthy. But also do not forget to be your own person and be firm with your boundaries of what you can tolerate and what you will not. Trying to grasp and keep someone close who is too scared will only make both people miserable. I might be going down a path of heartache with Matthew but I feel like I really don't have anything to lose by loving this guy. Being 45 years old I do know based on experience when to hope and when to let go.

Day 25 I'm headed to a board game night at my friends' house so will likely be up late. Thought I'd make this entry before I went since I had some time here. I took 1.5 Bupropion this morning (generic Wellbutrin) so I'll likely feel great tomorrow and get to yoga at 10am. Today I felt much like yesterday. I managed to apply for one job and read some more of the Power of Habit and defrosted my freezer. Yesterday I looked up a guy on Linkedin that I went on a few dates with back in 1996 when we were both in college. I had looked to see if I could find him on Facebook from time to time over the years but never found him there. Yesterday on a whim I searched for him on Linkedin and found him. So I messaged him. We exchanged a few messages today and talked about going to happy hour soon. It's funny that he just moved back to the Portland area and started a new job at my former employer. I'm at the chapter in the Power of Habit that talks about making small goals for each day and how the people that wrote them down did better with their willpower than those that didn't. I find I really struggle with meal planning. So many times I default to a turkey sandwich, burrito, bowl of cereal, or Greek yogurt with fruit and/or granola when I eat at home. I do need more vegetables in my diet. I also struggle with motivating myself to go to the gym and what time to go and eating enough of the right foods at the right time so that I'm fueled and not hungry when I'm at the gym. I need to figure out some good, small goals I can do daily that will help. I started making the bed most mornings. Some good habits I started years ago: drinking a pint of water first thing in the morning when I wake up and another before bed. I drink some smaller amounts of water throughout the day. I used to drink a pint of orange juice every morning, now I drink maybe 4 ounces. I always eat breakfast. Usually it's a bowl of cereal like many Americans. I tried giving up Pepsi and Coke and other soda back in 2003. I got these massive cravings while doing so and ended up becoming a daily coffee drinker to get through it. Before that I was drinking 1-2 can sized or larger cola drinks daily. At first I put cream and sugar in the coffee but now just a little cream is all I need. And now I can enjoy maybe one or two soda drinks a month. I haven't heard back from dream job #1, #2, or #3 yet. I'm starting to wonder if I will. Sigh...

Day 24 I was so tired last night I slept 10 hours. Today was hard. I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt like I wanted to cry but couldn't start. Definitely depression symptoms partly made worse by drinking alcohol these last few days. I think I fell harder for Matthew than I realized. I know from experience that I need to avoid thinking about him when I jack off otherwise it's a lot harder to move on. I've never really had a porn habit. The overwhelming majority of it I find boring or disturbing or sad. I did manage to give up masturbation for about three months when I was 19. I did some laundry and dishes. I read some of The Power of Habit and farted around on Facebook and Linkedin. I got an email from the company I did the phone interview for last Tuesday that lasted 22 minutes saying thanks for applying but we're going with other candidates which wasn't a surprise. I talked to a few people via text. I wonder how the hours went by so fast? Maybe I should have taken 1.5 or 2 antidepressant pills this morning? I've been on Bupropion 150mg for the last 12 years which has been helpful. One of my doctors told me I could take more if I felt I needed to. It gives me a headache when I do that though so I don't do it very often. Alcohol interacts with the antidepressant and makes me feel sluggish the next day. I have had drinks the last six days so I definitely think that's a cause and I need to abstain for now. Friday - one bottle of beer Saturday - 3 or 4 mixed drinks Sunday - one pint of beer Monday - one glass of wine at the restaurant we had dinner at then we split a bottle at home Tuesday - one glass of wine at dinner and a cordial of sambuca, split a bottle of wine at home Wednesday - one mixed drink at happy hour I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym today. We did so much walking and hiking last few days. We also ate and drank a lot of really tasty rich food, sweets, and not so many healthy things. I weighed myself this morning after my shower and I'm up to 206 lbs (93.44kg) which means I'm back to my heaviest weight that I was in 2013. I'd managed to get down to almost 180 in 2015 and I'd love to get back down at least under 190. At least I'm resisting the urge to eat ice cream this evening. Or play video games. I'm going to go for a walk now that it's cooling off outside. Maybe I'll take 1.5 or 2 happy pills tomorrow. I haven't needed to since I started the detox and I think the last time I did that was over a month before? I'm not sure.

Days 20-23 Matthew arrived Sunday. There was some initial awkwardness and sexual tension but once we got dinner at C Bar and then dessert at Papa Haydn both here in Portland we relaxed and were able to relax and enjoy our time. I told him before the trip he was welcome to stay at my place and crash on the couch. Since things were going well I told him he was welcome to sleep in my room with me and he accepted. Monday I cooked blueberry pancakes for breakfast and then we drove down to Silver Falls state park to go hiking and to see the waterfalls. It was about an hour away. The place is magnificent and if you're ever in the vicinity of Silverton Oregon (near Salem) I highly recommend you go. We hiked about six miles and saw the six big waterfalls. We didn't pack enough snacks and with Matthew having quit smoking about a week before he started to get hangry. On the way back we stopped at the Wooden Shoe Tulip Farm near Woodburn. We got there about 5:30 and had a lot of fun taking dozens of pictures of the vividly colored rows of pink, orange, yellow, white, red, black, violet, and red tulips. We left about 6, went to get gas, then to home to change and get dinner. Matthew was really struggling being hungry and craving a cigarette but we finally got to the bar at Higgins restaurant in Portland for dinner. We went home drank a bottle of wine he brought and watched Netflix. Tuesday I made pancakes again for breakfast and we drove to Astoria, Oregon to see the Goonies house, climb the Astor Column, and had lunch at Fort George Brewing. We visited the shipwreck of the Peter Iredale and Sunset beach. Then went to Cannon Beach and spent a lot of time on the beach there before heading back to Seaside for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant (I'm forgetting the name) then back to Portland. He apologized for being difficult the previous day. I told him since he was able to make it through a difficult day without caving in to his craving for a cigarette that he should count that as a success. I also don't have trouble with boundaries and since he didn't say anything that went beyond some bitching it wasn't an issue. Today I baked an apple puff pancake which is like a lot like a Dutch baby. We rode the Portland Aerial Tram up to the top of Sam Jackson Hill where OHSU is. We hiked on the waterfront and had lunch at Chen's Good Taste. It was really hot today. We went for a sweet snack, to Powells Books, then for a cocktail, then back home to change and then headed to the Mediterranean Exploration Company for dinner. He just left about an hour ago to go back home. Overall we had a really good time. I recognized that I really have feelings for him but he is definitely not ready to be in a committed relationship. I told him today that I do love and care about him but it's clear that it's not something he could do at this time. He agreed. I told him I wouldn't chase him or wait for him but if he decided he did want to pursue a relationship later and showed me that he is ready then am open to the idea. One thing he said today was I said the "love" word too easily. I told him I've had crushes, been infatuated, in lust, obsessed, and in love. I talked about how it's easy to confuse lust and love. Maybe I did say it too easily but we have really built a good start to a friendship that will last a long time and who knows what will happen in the future. Okay back to regular life tomorrow!

Day 19 I went to yoga but I hadn't been in a while and the time was changed to 10am instead of 10:30 so I ended up just working out at the gym instead. My friends' BBQ party was a lot of fun. Came home and talked to Matthew on the phone until about 12:30 last night. He's coming down to Portland today. I haven't been this excited for a first date in at least two years. I know that there's a risk with online dating of idealizing the other before meeting and have experienced that several times when I was younger. I know now that all gay men like myself are flawed in some way but I've learned more and more over the years to just love people for who they are and not for what they could be. Whatever happens we're building a solid friendship at least. I think I'm sufficiently rested, done with my hangover, and caffeinated now to go clean house.

Hi Bugg! Opening up and talking about what's going on inside is a big step. Thanks for doing so. Sometimes we have to go through some bad times to really be able to appreciate the good times. Have you read any good books lately? And have you thought about doing some volunteer work? I keep thinking I should volunteer somewhere with some organization to feel more purpose helping others, to help make a difference, and to build my resume. I think it would definitely help with ennui and that feeling I get when I think I should work on one of my projects but can't seem to motivate myself to start. What do you think?

I really hope the ants are in the stumps and not the house!