DaBest

I'm just going to make a quick post. Week has been busy. I stayed up way too late last night watching election stuff. Messed with my sleep a bit, but I still got to work on time and worked a full day. Writing up my "mega-project-status-update-report" has been particularly anxiety inducing because a), I'm getting a billion other requests right now and I can't work on them because I have to focus on this, and b), I'm finding out even more stuff that fell through the cracks. I'm at six pages single spaced right now and I'm not even halfway through yet. All my new, soon to be old, boss asks for is status updates. Honestly one of the least helpful managers I've ever worked for. I'm feeling oddly motivated to get off the computer tonight, and perhaps that's just because I'm really tired, or perhaps it's because I want to be the best person I can be right now. I've been thinking about that a lot the past few days. I'm going to turn off my computer now. Either I sleep or I do stuff around the house. Either way it's progress and a step towards re-wiring my brain.

You're an absolute gangster and a inspiration. And not only have you helped yourself, but you tirelessly help others around here as well. I'm glad to have met you, albeit virtually. Keep it up, my dude! And oh my God you took your exam! I see you don't think it went well, but still congrats! You put a lot of hard work into that.

Lotsa updates. About a week and a half ago, I handed in my two weeks notice. I AM FREE!!!!!!! I'm really excited about the new gig, and can't wait to start a new journey. Just to trigger @BooksandTrees a bit, it's a consulting/design engineering gig in my field, in which I will be gladly working to my EIT and a PE license (keep studying bud!) I am very excited about the team and I didn't realize my new boss is a guy I actually had working for me a few months ago. They never mentioned it during the interview process until I asked them when they started mentioning numbers and I thought I hadn't spoken to my new boss. I like the guy and he understood how fucked my situation was where I currently am. Please, please, please let this guy be more rational. My boss seemed pretty indifferent, which given the state of our department, is VERY concerning. I think I got out at the right time. The director also tried to entice me with a position made specifically for me and my interests, which was actually quite intriguing, but I don't see being able to get away from my old work. I was very candid in our conversation, and he mentioned that he thinks that my departure (and others) means he might have focused on the wrong areas for the past few years. I agree with this, and to hear this humility was actually surprising, welcomed, and makes me hopeful for their future. The thing that surprised me the most is the outpouring of nice comments, well wishing, and reaction I got from people on the site. I didn't realize how much of a positive impact I made on many people's lives. After a while, it was kind of clear I had hurt some by my departure, and for the rest of the day, I didn't feel great. I was over it by the next day though, as I have to put me first. It also made me realize for the first time in my life, I was popular. When I was 14, I thought everyone in the world hated me. Now I am 28, and I have to contend with the fact that a lot of people actually like me, and I was entirely numb to this fact for a LONG time. I am a much different person now to be sure, but this still shakes my frame of reference. I'm glad for it--I can tell now this has shaped my interactions with people and have made me much more confident and accepting of myself. My last day is next Friday, and I will be asking a girl out from work now that I am avoiding what I like to call, the "don't-shit-where-you-eat rule." First time I've done this in a while. I don't care how it goes either way, but I'm happy for the opportunity. Also, golf has been going good. I am so grateful for golf now. I cannot believe how many events I've planned in the past three months. It's probably more than I've planned in the past 5 years, no lie. I'm getting much better too, which is nice. I played the same place as my first round about two months ago, and shaved off thirty shots from last time, despite playing stupid for the last 14 holes or so. The first four holes were EASILY my best string of 4 holes ever. Two doubles on long par fours (my nemesis), a bogey on a long par four (holy moly), followed up with a par save on a par 3 (WOO!). I'm looking forward to starting lessons again now that my big past couple weeks of work are over. Lastly, I've had a couple of moments recently where I've been very good about leaving the computer to the side and doing other stuff. Often, if I just sit for a few minutes when I'm at home, I get bored and either sleep or do something more interesting. I'm also working on not opening my phone the second I park my car and also not going on my phone when I get up in the morning (this is hard). Overall, I think things have been on an upswing the past few weeks. Lockdowns might've knocked me down earlier this year, but I am coming back.

Don't worry, you'll be able to make that switch soon enough. You're doing the right thing by building the client base first before jumping ship. That's very prudent. I see where you're coming from, and agree with some parts and not others. It can just be porn, and especially the initial interactions aren't the best and don't really feel like they build the best connection. However, if it leads to a date, that's where connection can happen, which is the goal. It's a means to an end--a tool. I'd much rather to prefer to go the meeting people via other's social networks, but I didn't have a very large social network prior to this and now I'm trying to build it up, and build it bigger than before. In addition, I'll just be completely honest and that I still suck at approaching strangers and developing quick connections. In shared events or where something is pre-planned, I can get into flow and open up much easier. It's a weak point I need to work on, and was working on prior to this pandemic. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and start doing this again. --- I am so freaking close to leaving. Spoke with new company on Monday and they said they wanted to talk compensation. We did and we will firm up the negotiation and send the paperwork on this Tuesday as the HR guy was out on vacation. So 2.5 weeks left, possibly. This is great as I am super jaded right now and really pissed off at work. The money (from what we discussed), while an increase in base pay, is actually a slight paycut overall due to benefits. I don't care so much right now. I think this will be much better for overall quality of life. My salary jumped big-time this year even before this, so I can't complain, especially given how many have not been so lucky. I'm very grateful for this chance. These next two weeks will be very difficult at work just due to sheer workload. I will get through it and feel relieved. The happiness course is keeping me somewhat sane, I think. Things I'm grateful for: being unfiltered when I'm comfortable, pasta, saving myself a lot of work with a refined and polite argument, saying no, maybe just maybe moving in the right direction again.

@TheNewMe2.0, I was very happy to see Li getting back to you. I hope the new job gives you less stress than your current one--kids can be nasty. --- On the subject of interviews, they did go very well. I am really hoping that the HR recruiter from the design firm calls on Monday--he wanted to call today, but didn't, both of which are odd. I am so close to freedom of my own. This week begins approximately two weeks of 16 hour days, which really kick off on Thursday. And night shift. I can't wait to turn in my two-weeks notice. I'm just over it all. This weekend was a mixed bag: I went golfing on Saturday and did ok. I'm bummed I can't go golfing with my work group on Thursday. Today I took care of some errands, worked out a little, set up another dating profile (as I had promised my therapist), did some of the happiness course, and even worked out a tad. I am still very uncomfortable with silence and am consuming too much media as a result of it. I want to be spending more of that time improving myself and connecting with others. I want to keep that to a minimum this week. I'm also always tired even with a full nights sleep. I need to figure that out. I'm grateful for: opportunity, my bed, What'sApp, funk music, the happiness course which reminds me of the many habits I can put in place (like being grateful).

@BooksandTrees, I finally got a hold of the one person I snapped at the other day. I apologized and he said he legitimately didn't notice it. Sometimes it's for the best. Yeah, sometimes people don't respond, but it's when they do that matters. If I send zero invites, I get zero responses. If I send 100 invites and get 1 response, that's an infinite percentage increase over the zero response scenario. It's a subtle reframe, and one I could only achieve about not giving a fuck anymore. Ironically, my friend actually did text me back on Monday (good job brain on already interpreting the lack of text so quickly...) We talked later that night and had a genuinely enjoyable conversation. Wouldn't have happened if I didn't reach out. --- Today I started out lazy and depressed, but I turned it around and cleaned my kitchen and went to work afterwards. I got to work late but I stayed late. In a weird twist of fate, I was in a flow state and made a lot of people laugh today. Tomorrow is the big day. Two interviews of my own and even giving an interview all in the same day. Freedom is near.

Good stuff! All your hard work is starting to pay off! I know when I was on hardcore NoFap a long time ago, I felt the same when I was on long streaks. Your post gives me motivation to redouble my efforts on this front. Thank you!

This weekend was also a mixed bag, but a worthwhile one I think. I went golfing on Friday afternoon with my normal group. I had a bunch of fun, but for a while I wasn't because I was putting so much pressure on myself. Even after my first swing, I snapped at someone who tried talking to me during my swing. Set a really bad tenor for the day and it took a while to recover. It happened again on another hole too. It wasn't like a full blow up--I was just getting snippy--but I owe the person an apology. Saturday started off pretty shitty. I woke up and got a text from someone who said they were going to come golfing with me on Sunday, saying that they weren't able to, and also that they did so literally one minute before I couldn't edit my confirmation and be forced to pay for their spot. This was after texting six people earlier in the week and getting three nos and three no responses. I was able to find one person who I thought wasn't available, but was down to go, and the first person changed to a yes after being a no, but then went back to no. It felt intentional, and that played a great deal on my insecurities of friends leaving me. This was the theme of the weekend. I went to the driving range to practice and was enjoying myself reasonably well when I heard someone getting coached by someone much younger right behind me. It was either father-son or co-workers with a big age gap. I just felt really sad...like pit-of-hell-just-let-me-die-now sad. I wanted that so badly. I felt immensely alone. I nearly walked away, but instead I just violently started hitting balls. I had to take breaks between shots so I didn't just lose it and start crying. I just wanted to finish hitting the balls I had paid for. In the back of my mind, I knew and hoped it would pass quickly, and thankfully it did, but it was 15 minutes of pure hell. Once the feeling subsided, I just practiced as I did at the start, completely normal. It was pretty surreal feeling, to be honest. Later that night, I watched a video with a psychiatrist talking to a person who felt lonely and felt like their friends would always desert them in the end. I could definitely relate to that, given my past experiences, and honestly the past week. One of the things that was discussed, which was a big mind shift for me, was the idea that trying to be perfect and display perfection in a desire to be desirable was an impossible task, but that true acceptance can come from admitting that something is difficult, and not necessarily in one's control. That was a big deal, because it ran counter to how I think. In a way, it felt kind of like stoicism--which I like but do a bad job of embodying--so it made sense right away. Right now I don't have many friends, and my phone isn't always buzzing with texts from others, and my health isn't that great, and my mental health isn't that great, and my job makes me more crazy than I already am, and I have a bad relationship with my father, and I haven't had a relationship with someone in seven years, and I had a shit upbringing which has forced me to climb and claw and learn how to be social and funny in an acceptable manner, and so on and so forth... It's HARD. And because it's hard, I'm allowed to FAIL. I shouldn't necessarily try to fail, but I should be much more welcoming of it. Like with anything, you fail until you get good. It felt like some of the burden had lifted from my shoulders. I'm not 100% healed, but hey, it's a start. Today was a bit better. Golf in the morning with the one person who did commit, but I felt insecure when they said they were running very late, though they literally walked up at the exact tee time. Initially, I felt a pang of betrayal, but then I just brushed it off. We had a reasonable amount of fun, and they said they wanted to keep doing this (ego boost for me). I put much less pressure on myself, and tried to allow the same for the other person, who is brand new to golf, basically. I didn't do the best job of making good conversation outside of work stuff, but I can do better at this next time. Later on I texted an improv buddy that I have been meaning to for literally months, but didn't in fear they wouldn't respond (which they hinted at when the team broke up). They didn't respond. It stung briefly, but nowhere near as much. I knew it was going to be a hard ask, but I can't learn to be a better friend if I don't converse with them. This is directly related to the change in mindset. That was the only way I built up the courage to send the text. I hope this is going to be a permanent change in mindset. --- This is a long post, haha. Finally, the job hunt continues. I had a conversation with a recruiter from the engineer's company on Saturday. They are serious--if scheduling time on Saturday doesn't say something, I don't know what does. We talked and the more we talked the more it seemed like this was the right direction for me. I will talk to their global engineering director on Friday. Even though its a global company, it's much smaller, and it's more niche, but I'd have a lot of flexibility with the work I do, and far less of the BS policies to deal with. It's also a more technical role, which I welcome. As long as I don't come off as a sociopath, I think this is a lock. The market is thin on available engineers in my industry--I run the show this time.

Got a full nights sleep last night. Still pretty tired today though. I need to also start living a bit healthier since I know its taking a toll on my overall energy levels. Today was a mixed bag. I knew there was no way I could get everything done that was being asked of me, so I just did what I could. The best part of the day was a call I had with a contractor I'm working with--I'll likely be interviewing at his company soon. I told him what was going on with my current job, and some of his insights working with us were a good confirmation of how our company operates. I also have another phone interview lined up for Monday. I also meditated for a little when I got home before I went on my computer, which is a good thing. I'm just really tired right now. I'm excited as I have golf with my Friday group lined up tomorrow, but I'm a little concerned after I reinjured my arm a little while lugging equipment around today. Things I'm grateful for: job opportunities, helpful YouTube videos on injuries, conviction, small signs of getting better, comedy.

Day was long. Got some golf in. Going to bed now at a normal hour. Woo. Didn't spend too much time on internet today, but I wasn't efficient today.

Quick post because it's very late. Had a long day at work. Tomorrow will also be extra hours. I ran errands, did laundry, cleaned, took care of some financial stuff, and did some of the happiness course tonight. Some of the last stuff came after a long period of procrastination because I was feeling overwhelmed. I'm not happy I'm up so late, but I'm happy I pushed through. Have some job interviews starting to line up. Should be exciting. I'm a little scared of moving outside of my comfort zone, but that probably means I should do it. I'm grateful for: getting stuff done after I nearly talk myself out of it, honest friends, friends that I can be grossly inappropriate with, and hearing.

I finally got some sleep last night. Went home this weekend and saw my parents for the first time in six months, as well as my uncle who has cancer. It was great to see all of them. I was reasonably productive when I got back today: some cooking, cleaning, golfing, laundry, and happiness course. I even meditated when I got home in order to break the cycle of constant entertainment. I'm grateful for my family and self-discipline. I'm tired, goodnight.

Up late again, though I did finish the large pile of dishes I was dreading somewhat. If I let it sit, it becomes something bigger. Story of my life. I need a day to reset my sleep. I make terrible choices when I'm tired. Gratitude list: my boss commented on focusing and fixing on a few areas that makes my job suck, free food, family, science, being naturally pugilistic.

@Ikar, hope your shoulder lets you train. I don't know any martial arts that let you get away without using your shoulders, lol. These times are really weird. I pretty much didn't leave my apartment except to throw out the trash for a month and a half earlier this year. 100% fuck that. I'm not partying in a club or going to the gym solely out of respect for the people I work with and my job. Getting outdoors is pretty safe all things considered. I'll do that as much as I can since it makes me feel way better. --- Super late again. Procrastinated when I got home cause I was tired and make bad decisions when I'm tired. I did take care of some important stuff though. I'm grateful for: moments of clarity, some of the people I work with, my parents.

@BooksandTrees, people need people. Simple as that. @Ikar, have you chosen one to practice yet? I'd highly recommend brazilian jiu jitsu. A lot of fun, awesome people, and slightly less chance of getting concussed. --- It's super late, so why not post? Lot of things have happened recently. Golf is going reasonably well in that I'm having massive amounts of fun, and I'm being probably even more social compared to pre-pandemic, insofar that I'm organizing so much. My swing is getting better too--I had another lesson on Sunday and found a lot more consistency. I did hurt my arm though, and it seems to be getting worse even though I haven't golfed for the past few days. It's weird. House for the most part has stayed clean. It's a little messy right now, but I'll do dishes before I go to bed. My sleep is already screwed so why not? I'm entertaining myself too much when I get home. I'm escaping reality too much. Got my first job application out. Aiming for one a week, minimum. Finally, and most importantly, on Sunday I found out my uncle has metastatic lung cancer which has spread to his brain. This has all happened pretty quick--he had issues with his hand, and a scan revealed everything. The whole thing sucks. I want to visit but because of Covid the hospital is only allowing one visitor a day, and between my dad (his healthcare proxy), and his girlfriend, that doesn't leave any space for nephews. If we're lucky, after his first round of radiation he'll be home this weekend, and maybe I could visit. It would also be the first time I've seen my parents since Covid. I haven't heard an official prognosis or anything, but some casual googling showed survival rates for stuff like this on average of 6 months, with 5 year survival rates between 3-6%. It puts life into perspective real quick. Makes me want to change. Makes me grateful for those I still have around me. The whole thing is just sad though. --- I'm grateful for: my family, my health, money, rational thought, journaling. Things I want to change this week: back in bed at 10:30, and podcasts only for entertainment for the rest of the week.

Keep it up with the applications, and turkey chili is the bomb when it's done right. I'm genuinely curious, do you have the link to the recipe you used? I make a bunch during wintertime since it's minimal prep.

Week has been decent so far. I feel much more even keel. Spoke with by therapist about how golf was changing my outlook on things and how significant the changes have been. Now I just need to land a girlfriend. I did stay up rather late on Monday night hanging out with my friend over in Bangladesh. His schedule changed recently so that's the only time we really have to hang out during the week. It messed me up a bit today and I noticed a lack of motivation. I didn't really do anything when I got home today. I was about to go to bed, but I was mad I hadn't sent out the job application I was working on, so I just finished that up. I feel proud for pushing through, even though it will cost me sleep since I need to be at work early tomorrow. I took care of the big scary thing. The more I do that the better habits I'll have and the better image I'll have of myself. It's worth having to take a caffeine hit tomorrow.

This was the best weekend I've had when NOT seeing friends in a long time. Felt motivated, focused, and whole. I did throw away some time and went to some bad habits again, but they didn't last for nearly as long. Today was reasonably successful. I went golfing and practiced as I said I would. I cleaned up massively. My apartment is 90% of the way I want it to be. There's a great feeling and a mental burden lifted--it's like I'm getting my shit together for once. It's weird because it's for a Peter Pan goal of more golf, but there's part of it that's a completely rational goal of more social contact. It's fine though, at least compared to video games, as in order to continue towards this goal I need to be the best and healthiest person I can be. I didn't have to be that with video games. It actually was easier to be a loser in order to get more video games. I didn't apply to a job today but I did just finish a cover letter. I'm going to review it tomorrow and send it. It's not to my dream job role, which apparently just got filled, but it's with a cool company doing cutting edge stuff. I also haven't worked out but I'll do a little one real quick just to say I did. I'm grateful for: having moments in my day when I was home and didn't feel like I needed internet stimulation, the sun, charity, people who question commonplace thought.

@Erik2.0, gotcha. Sounds like it might be a really good thing for you. More money, less commute, probably better working conditions. It's hard, but in the meantime, don't pay much heed to what the negative things that kid is saying. Kids can be little shits, and apparently this one is far enough that he needs therapy for it. You're doing a good thing. --- Today was a great Saturday. I went and did 9-holes with a random group of people, and it was actually not as bad as I thought. I shaved off another 5 strokes (well, 17, considering I didn't know how to count penalties before) and only lost one ball, which was a ball that I found anyway. I felt a little stifled as it was weird being a fourth wheel to three friends having a birthday party, but they were all pretty chill. They kept offering me booze so I guess I couldn't have been that much of a weirdo. I do want to make sure I can use these opportunities to practice my charisma though. I wasn't all too productive afterwards. I did finally get my first post-Covid haircut so I can start job hunting (goodbye lax bro hair 😞), and I grabbed groceries a day early. I did a little bit of cleaning as well and my apartment is getting closer to where I want it. I really wanted to write a cover letter today but I was Peter Pan-ing and learning more about golf today. I felt bad about this, so I at least wrote the template just before I started this post. Also, I'm going to bed roughly on time tonight. This is good progress. Tomorrow my goals are to: 1) go to the driving range, hit a bucket, and practice putting for an hour. 2) apply to the first job 3) workout 4) clean some more.

Glad you had a good day! Keep it up--keep improving.

Hey @Erik2.0. Glad to see you're looking for something different too. I like the saying your mom mentioned and agree with it wholeheartedly. I've been on the wrong side of that before--I don't want to go through that ever again. What kind of jobs are you looking at? --- Quick post. Today was another mundane day, but I handled it reasonably well. I had to go through all my projects today and give status reports. My new boss was shocked with how much I had stacked up. It stressed me out a lot because I feel shame (irrationally) that I can't do everything. I was able to meditate out some of those negative thoughts. My boss also parked in a handicap spot today because their foot hurt (no crutches though), and pretty much just told our group to go fly a kite when asking about potential compensation for pulling 5 straight weeks of on-call. On-call at our company is typically handled with supplemental pay to acknowledge the inconvenience. Two engineers pretty much implied they'd quit. It was a very awkward conversation, and my boss was pretty infantile during the whole thing. I also found out another key member of our team is most likely leaving. I wasn't too phased though since I've already made my decision. In a way, it was comforting since it makes my decision easier. Also, I called my parents tonight after my golf lesson today was cancelled. To top it off, I cleaned, cooked, and did some more happiness coursework. I'm getting to bed a little later than I had hoped, but oh well. It's better than what it was a few weeks ago.

Today was a slightly better day. Emotions were much more in check. Got to bed at 11 last night. I find I keep staying up later than when I want, but as I moved up my bedtime, I actually do go to bed earlier. I had contractors on-site for the start of the day, which ended up taking up most of my day. I then stayed a little late to get a project moving. I'm going to do the best job as I can while I look for work elsewhere. I updated my resume last night. My apartment is looking cleaner. I don't usually clean much during the work week so it's a good start. Also, I'm cooking a little. I'm going to do a bit of my happiness course now and go to bed. Things I'm grateful for: being better than yesterday, hope, finding moments of bravery.

Quick post. Thoroughly enjoyed the rest of my weekend except for all of the esports watching I did. It's too mindless and not really all that fun. I did hit the driving range on Sunday and Monday. It's nice because it helps me get up early in the morning. Before I didn't have anything to look forward to. Had a mini-meltdown nearly all day at work. Gritted through it though. I realized I truly hate where I am--at work, in life, in general. I've decided that I am starting a new job hunt search today--100%. At a minimum, I need a new start somewhere. I don't like going to a place where after I feel so good during the weekend, I instantly feel like shit. I started punching myself today at work, which the last time that really happened was when I got a therapist in the first place. I cannot keep working at a place that is that bad for my mental health. I don't mind working hard, or even working longer hours--but I just feel like I ran a marathon today even though I was only at work for 10 hours. I'm just going to try and think whether or not I improved today over yesterday's self. In some ways I did--I got to work on time, and I worked as hard as I could, and I had a few moments of clarity where I was able to recollect myself without just flipping out on someone. I'm grateful for: having a path forward, not being a complete bum when I got home, being able to go to bed before 10:30 (the goal for this week), really good barbecue sauce.

@BooksandTrees, I'm going to respectfully disagree on this one. The habits I've developed prevent me from living properly and has contributed to my somewhat self-imposed isolation. Self-acceptance is important, and something I strive for, but to be ignorant of the areas that really could use some improvement will just leave me stuck where I am. --- Last week was crazy. Fuck work yada yada yada. I was about 50/50 with getting to bed before 10:45. Today was the best I've felt in a long time. Played nine holes with some friends form work and a random guy. I had a lot of fun and I got a lot better since last time (which was actually last night, lol). The social activity makes me want to work harder if only to free up more time and money for golf. I felt somewhat normal today. Kind of pilfered time away when i got home though. I'm going to bed now so I can get up early on my weekend--a miracle!

Self vent. Stop wanting to be weak. Stop wanting to be Peter Pan. Stop giving yourself excuses. Be strong. Be a man and grow up. Be responsible.