NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
DaBest
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Posts posted by DaBest
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Thanks @Ikar and @TheNewMe2.0! All things considered, this weekend did go much better than normal, and I was far less depressed and gloom-and-doom. A lot of it comes down to my habits.
I am very lucky to have gyms still open--I just need cases to start going down so the idiots that run my state and county don't do anything stupid.
The good news is that I'm actually using them, whereas in the past I'd brush them off a bunch. It's good practice for flirting and whatnot, but I've been getting a lot of responses that people are scared of getting Covid. On a side note, I really need to get some better photos. I'm honestly pretty average looking, but my photos do not do me any favors.
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Yesterday was interesting, well the whole weekend was I guess. One thing that was frustrating was that I had three separate social plans on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday fall through. Friday, the guy slept in, Saturday, another friend forgot he double booked a brunch with his mother (lame excuse, lol), and on Sunday, someone didn't like the weather and didn't want to go to the driving range after they said they were. I was a tinge disappointed, but compared to non-meditating me, I would've been writing about how dead inside I felt. I still did some meaningful stuff that I could be proud of.
I wasn't very proud of Sunday afternoon though. I started watching football, and watched through the Sunday night game, and I realized that watching sports makes me feel like I'm a kid again, and that's BAD. A lot of bad habits happened after doing that: spending too much time on the computer, staying up REALLY late, putting emotional investment in something that I have no legitimate stake in, feeling like a victim (I'm a Giants fan...so yeah), etc., etc. I hadn't put two-and-two together though, so to realize this shift was really interesting. So while that was good, my plans went out the window after that point. I'll learn from it.
As a result of that I worked from home today so I could sleep in. I had a pretty productive day all things considered, but I was getting distracted a lot. Meditation has really been helping with me both stay focused and handle anxiety as it comes. I did a really good job today of squashing the reluctance I had to work, which is incredibly irrational since this is kind of my dream job right now. I really wanted to just goof off and pretend to be a kid, but I didn't allow it.
So, some good, some bad. I learned a lot though. I'm going to bed early since I am WIPED.
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@TheNewMe2.0, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Bumble. Each offers something different.
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Actually did a pretty good job of keeping to my goals from yesterday. I did go back on YouTube at one point though for a little bit. For a weekend though, I was on far less. I had time to do a lot more of the stuff I enjoy.
I also went back to the gym for the first time in 11 months yesterday. Man, I needed that.
Goals for today:
1) Same as yesterday, no more of the internet wasters. Done with that already and checked everything I wanted to. Don't need to do it 5X.
2) Meditate
3) Grocery shopping/cooking
4) Driving range with a buddy
5) Workout
6) Study for my EIT (didn't do this yesterday...)
7) Some more reading if I have the time.
I enjoy this. It's the least terrible I've felt on a weekend without much to do in a while now.
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Holy crow, yesterday actually went really well despite not being able to do anything social. I actually did everything on my list. I'm pretty proud of that. I even got on my dating apps since I had time and wasn't wasting time on the internet.
I want to do that again today.
Goals for today:
1) No more YouTube/Twitter/news for the rest of the day. Already got it out of my system. If I can minimize this to 1X a day and not for that long I will get so much time back. That will be awesome!
2) Meditate
3) Go to the driving range and practice.
4) Workout
5) Search around for anything I can do socially online or in-person for tonight and tomorrow.
6) Actually study my craft for a few hours.
7) Read some more of the book I started yesterday.
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@TheNewMe2.0, I hope they last too. As long as they just keep improving I'll be happy.
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Went go-karting yesterday and had a blast. I won a few races, and my buddy's wife won the others. Made me really want to get into racing. It's kind of like gaming in a way. It's a surreal experience that grabs your full attention and the rest of the universe just melts away.
Today I've pilfered away a bit of time and got up late because of hanging out with another friend online pretty late last night. So, I'm going to post to give myself more direction.
Goals for today:
1) No more YouTube/Twitter/news for the rest of the day
2) Meditate
3) Clean up
4) Workout
5) Finish listening to a podcast from Tim Ferriss
6) Maybe read a little
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Today went reasonably well.
Went to bed earlier last night, got up earlier (but still late). Got more stuff done before work including a very good meditation session. I'm hyperaware of when I start acting irrationally right now. It's really weird. I find it a lot easier to step back and stop myself before I start doing stupid stuff. I actually went to the office after lunch and noticed my stress shot up a lot. I realized what was causing it, and was able to move on and stay productive. A lot of my bad habits and anxiety stem from bad views of myself from the past, and how others made me feel then. I can pinpoint it really fast now and just move on as if nothing happened. I know I've meditated in the past, but I hadn't noticed as significant of a change as I am now. It's kind of freaky, honestly. I hope it lasts.
Had talk with my therapist tonight. Nothing monumental there. Was supposed to hang out with a friend online tonight but that doesn't seem like it will happen. Oh well. I get to go go-karting tomorrow with a friend so I'm really stoked for that.
I'll be off my computer even earlier tonight. Progress!
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Good man! A lot of good things in that post.
Just keep fighting and let the past be the past. Progress forward every day and enjoy it!
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Hey @BryanJaz. As far as your interview is concerned, there's probably no harm to reaching out again, but don't get your hopes up. That happens all the time, even that late in the interview process. They also might have a first choice and are negotiating with that person before you, which in that case means they might not respond in the first place, but they might still consider you. So whatever you choose to do, take any response or lack thereof with a grain of salt. HR people don't have time to respond to every applicant, even at that stage.
As someone who also thought they were going for a Ph.D. immediately after college, I can't say I'd recommend it. After undergrad, I went straight into a master's program with the intent of going straight for the Ph.D. right after that. I was the lab baby by quite a few years. All but I think one Ph.D. student had industry experience of some kind, which will serve you much better in the long run, especially if you change your mind on the Ph.D. midway through. As a practical matter, part of it is a money issue. I was so financially insecure when I was in grad school all my money went to food and rent. That feeling adds a lot of stress to a job where you are supposed to basically work like an indentured servant for 5 years, and then be expected to work as a marginally better off indentured servant for another 1-2 years, and then work as a underpaid assistant professor for five years making way less than you could elsewhere if you want to stay in academia, and if you're lucky then you have a job for life as long as you don't kill anybody. When the hell was I going to be able to retire, I was the financial equivalent of nearly homeless if it weren't for my parents. If I had even a year or two of savings from a job, at least you can invest it and let it compound interest while you get paid peanuts to do research.
I think you're on the right track with contractor work/recruiters. If you were like me and didn't have much of a professional network at that point, it's a good way to start getting moving in the right direction. It's an easier in to any job since it's easier to fire you--that's the tradeoff. Also, with your loans coming up, if you don't have one already, consider getting any old part-time job for the time being. It'll help pay the bills, take some of that free time off your hands, minimize the employment gap on your resume (just blame it on Covid), and give you a current reference to vouch for you.
Good luck man, I went through the exact same thing 5 years ago. It sucks, but once you're in, you're golden.
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@BryanJaz, it is! And it is hard to keep up with. Once I fall off, I forget about it, but when I'm practicing a lot, it makes such a huge impact. Keep up the good work!
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Today went about as good as possible. I was still up late last night--I seem to be able to dial back going to bed by about two hours a night if I'm really dumb and stay up super late. I worked from home and took care of a lot of trainings. Things are slow because people are out, and I'm waiting for a review on my work before I continue making edits to it, so I'm kind of in a holding pattern.
I meditated a bunch today, and staying away from my phone and doing dumb stuff was relatively easy. I used my phone a little on breaks but wasn't roped into it like usual. I noticed when i started feeling stress and when I wanted to act like a kid and hide. It made it much easier to stop before I did something really stupid. I made better choices, like reading less news, and going on Twitter less and cleaning my apartment, meditating more, or calling my grandparents. I'm honestly pretty proud of that right now.
Tonight I will go to bed earlier and get up earlier and actually get to the office. That should be a vast improvement for tomorrow.
Adios.
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Merry belated Christmas to you too!
Schizophrenia is hard. My grandmother had it and my uncle has it currently. There's always hope. I wasn't alive when he was really bad, but apparently a few decades ago he was really struggling with it. It's still difficult for him, but he is much better now and was the bedrock for my grandmother (not the same as before) when he took care of her when she was really old. Modern medicine can work wonders sometimes.
With any luck you'll find something that will make it better. It might just take time.
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Congrats, you met a weird chick. You never know what's going on the other side. Assume its for the better.
I identify with a lot of your post, except maybe the anger. You survived on anger, I survived on numbness and believing that the world was out to hate me for no good reason. We survived.
Did you think everything was going to be perfect in 2 years? Nope. Not happening. Is it ever going to be perfect? Also nope. Is it going to at least get better by fantasizing? You get the idea.
Is it going to get better by pushing forward, fixing yourself, getting better social skills, and building a life you want through hard work and effort? Yep.
I don't live in your head, so I can't say if this is true or not, but I'll hazard a guess and say the kid version of you that's still there doesn't believe that things can get better. We put up rules that "the world sucks," "people suck," etc., to excuse ourselves.
The interesting part of this though is that you are proof that this is untrue. You can get better, and by all standards have. You quit gaming after playing at a really high level. You're one of a select few that had enough sense to give up porn and masturbation. You can connect with people, and don't fucking underestimate us here even if it's just online--we are part of the everyone in "everyone sucks" and I take a little umbrage with that. You were way more active before this Covid shit took hold. You got a place of your own. You took a really fucking hard engineering exam that most engineers bitch out on. And most importantly, you go well out of your own way to help out other people here. Wake up! You're fucking proving all that bullshit wrong. YOU don't suck, so your rule is already wrong.
Break out of the fantasy. Look at where you were and look at where you are now. Yeah, the lack of connection sucks. But by purposefully engaging in wild fantasy, you just hurt yourself in the long run since it's just drugs and doesn't solve anything. You moved from video games to fantasy. Move back to the present, it's the only place to live where you can fix things. You are much more than a powerless, tortured child.
You know what you have to do, but if there's anything that might help you, Marcus Aurelius' Meditations (link here), and just start meditating yourself. You're halfway there with the journal. If you can catch yourself before you go down these negative thought spirals, it will make it harder for your depression to latch on. When we let our brain focus on the wrong stuff, we feel like crap.
Matt, I have faith in you, dude. And it hurts me to see you going through this as I write this, knowing what I've been going through and that I'm still struggling with a lot of this too. Seriously, as with 95% of the stuff I write on these forums is stuff I can be doing better at too. I just know it works since I've caught glimpses of it, and every once in a while everything aligns and it's like a different world. I don't know if you see that yet, but I hope you do eventually.
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Today was a good effort.
I struggled a lot early, obviously because I was tired. I made sure I meditated before work even though I was late again. I didn't waste much time on my phone even though I worked from home. I put a full day in. I had to meditate a lot though.
The meditation really is helping. That's all i got right now that really helps me in the right direction. I want this to become a key habit, even though I am bad with habits. I'll do my best.
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Quick update:
I am so grateful to have had my parents visit for Christmas. We all needed it. Fuck 2020. I felt like a normal person for a little while afterwards.
Today wasn't very productive. I went golfing, and then came home and got distracted on the computer. Then I felt bad and kept going. Really dumb. I really loathe my computer--I go on for one thing and just get completely sucked in. I need to be more mindful of when I use it for good, and when I use it as drugs.
It's very, very, very late. Here's the quick gameplan: meditate, do dishes, fold laundry, sleep, go to work. The meditation needs to become a habit> I've been meditating more recently and it has been helping at least with the depression and sometimes stopping my impulses, though clearly I screwed up just now.
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Good stuff from today:
-Actually went to work in the office. I got more done. Internet usage was slightly more in control. I did more stretching and meditation at work instead of going on my phone. It saves time, and it actually calms me down better.
-My parents got their Christmas gift in the mail--I bought them a rowing machine since they haven't been able to go to the gym for a long time, which they had started to before Covid. They were pretty thrilled and that made me happy.
-Met with my therapist today. It was really needed because the lack of social contact and the winter is starting to get to me a little bit.
-I finished eating last night's pork belly. IT WAS SO GOOD!
-I used my dating apps a bit.
Bad stuff from today:
-I was acting like such a child today. I desperately wanted pity today. I wanted to tune out and just be on the internet all day and live in fantasy. I had to fight that feeling a lot during the morning. I got a better control on it in the afternoon.
-Fell asleep on my couch again last night. Won't happen tonight.
Improvements for tomorrow:
-Keep meditating as needed.
-I'm going to do a little studying on my happiness course after this and try to incorporate some of what's in it into my activities tomorrow.
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I'm very glad to hear you're feeling better right now. That's very unfortunate your mom feels that way.
It's gonna be a long slow grind to the top, but I'm sure we will make it.
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Good stuff from today:
-As far as a work from home day was concerned, I was productive.
-I made a pork belly which is beckoning me right now. Which is why this post will be short, hopefully.
-Took care of a lot of extra stuff last night before I went to bed, and was proud I did it.
Bad stuff from today:
-Rolled out of bed late and worked from home. I would've been WAY more effective at the office.
-Distracted on my phone for a decent amount of today. My brain feels like it is on fire sometimes when I'm not medicating on the internet.
-Still have stuff I'm procrastinating on.
Tomorrow, the big fix will be to wake up at a normal hour and meditate before going to work. I'll try to sneak some in tonight.
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@TheNewMe2.0, yeah you're in a bit of a pickle. First off, and I know you know this, but please continue to get help IRL. I know you have support around you, but understand that these thoughts will pass and suicide is not the answer. If you ever need someone to talk to, as well, I'm always here to lend an ear and shoulder. Don't forget that.
Your health comes first, no matter what. If you're really struggling that hard with how this person makes you feel, it might be worth considering leaving. You are too important and there are always other ways of making money. And on top of that, despite how difficult some of your clients might be, you are creating so much good in the world! You've created a lot of good for me--if I count for anything.
Your mom probably is pushing you about the job because she doesn't feel the same things you do about this person. To be honest, I've never had similar sensations to what you described, and I can't say how I'd react if I were in your shoes. I'm not so sure your mom understands there's a risk to begin with, in the first place. She might be angry with you because it might be a experience she's never felt before. I'd say assume she has best intentions for you, but maybe doesn't understand what's going on.
And again, please get professional help if you need it. This is most important.
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Mind if I ask what you mean about by energy? What is it exactly that makes you feel uncomfortable about this person?
Don't have to respond if you don't want to. That's cool too.
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I didn't do quite a good a job today as I hoped. Fell asleep on my couch (again) last night right after I finished posting. Being tired keeps me on the computer a lot. I did wake up very early though and hung out with a friend online, so I did something social this weekend despite it being cold and having no golf. I need to find something to tide me over that's social for the winter months, if there is anything. Thanks 'Rona.
I took care of my base errands and called home. I didn't clean because I was slacking. Also, I took another nap today on my couch. It's amazing how quickly I fall asleep when I'm not on my computer or phone.
What could I have done differently? Create a window where I'm not on my computer or phone like I did yesterday. It's hard but it's better long-term. Also, I didn't meditate today. That was dumb.
I might be up a little late tonight but I'm going to take care of one item on the computer which i've been procrastinating about, then it's going to be computer off, and I'll take care of some cleaning around the house just so I can say I did something.
Tomorrow I will be much better with managing my time.
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All things considered, for having absolutely nothing to do today, I did much better with staying off the computer. I wouldn't call it a ideal day, but far better than a zero day. From the list before, I did 1, 2, 3. I did 5 somewhat, could've done more. Didn't really do any of 4 though.
After my no computer window was finished, I went back on for quite a while. I'm just going to turn off my computer now, do some dishes, maybe meditate or even READ, and go to bed.
Tomorrow I will try to get a lot more done during my day. I can utilize the 16 hours better.
Overall though, can't complain. I'm not disgusted with myself over the weekend like usual when I have nothing planned. I did some good things today that I can be proud of.
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Okay, early post before I go completely off the rails.
Goals for today:
1) Computer and phone off until sundown.
2) Go for a long walk.
3) Have a really long workout.
4) Deep clean my house. It's about time.
5) Connect with someone or use my dating apps. There's not much to do right now socially speaking. I'll make the best of it.
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2 hours ago, Pochatok said:
Corny Wisdom of the Day:
- One of the reasons I often struggle to quit gaming/porn and other things is not because I am not passionate about other things in my life; I am simply not passionate enough. Finding daily sources of inspiration helps greatly. So for painting I browse Artstation, for music- Youtube and talk to fellow musicians, etc.. Finding more joy in the real world helps, and when I can't, I simply watch some inspirational movies, or read cool success stories that remind that I am, too, enough, and that I can, too, succeed at whatever I want to succeed at 🙂
Is that corny? If so, I'm all ears.
This is actually very good advice and a good reminder for myself to focus more on developing habits to replace the bad ones I don't like. I struggle with this alot. Thank you!
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OOOH YOUR PROFILE PIC!!! I DIDN'T NOTICE!!!
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Last 48 hours were a slog.
On Wednesday, I got word from my boss's boss that a client wanted to see my work for something on Friday, when the original deadline wasn't until next week. I had to work pretty late yesterday to get everything done. I flirted with coming in late today, but I was sure glad I didn't when I saw an email saying "Fill out this presentation ASAP. Meeting 1:30." There was A LOT that I had to do to get this thing ready.
Presentation went perfect. Boss-boss happy, client seemingly happy, I happy.
It meant a lot to hear the good feedback. It helps ease my doubt. It gives me confidence.
Internet wise I struggled this week. I was constantly reaching for my phone. My meditation tailed off this week, and coupled with the anxiety, it was an easy way to cope. Also, the nature of what I was doing had a lot of periods where I had to wait for my computer to chug through a bunch of calculations, so those were good times to reach for my phone. I changed it up a bit towards the end and did laps around the office (yup, that desperate).
I also spent a bunch of time zoning out on my computer when I got home. I want to workout tonight instead. That's way more productive.
Good times.
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Today had a few ups and downs. Had to work from home today--wasn't as productive as I would've liked to be but still better than during lockdowns. I got news a deadline that I had a week on was pushed to, tomorrow. Naturally, I'm procrastinating, and I will have to work late. I fully intend to cut out early tomorrow after it's done. All nighter, leggo.
Worked out today as well despite being locked in. Felt good. Proud of that. Also proud I didn't get on my phone while in bed today, and I got up reasonably quick.
Met with therapist. We chatted a bit about how there's a part of me that just wants to be "the man" and kick ass at everything, and the self-sabotaging "child." The child side just wants to play and loaf around and have no responsibilities. My rational side says to forget all of that and just do as much as I can to help others and myself, as I feel way more proud of myself when I act like that. Meditation and journaling are the few things that help me snap out of not just the bad thought loops, but also the complete change in values I have when I'm acting in either one or the other. This has been helping a lot recently, as I find myself catching myself more often, and I'm more shocked of when I'm just searching for dopamine hits.
I need to get this work going. Computer going off. Going to do dishes, going to meditate a little (or maybe even nap--dangerous), and get back to work. Also met up with a friend for a few hours online. Evening has been busy.
Goodnight y'all.
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Good luck with the interview man. Crush it like a BOSS!
Also, MHA is dope. Solid pre-interview choice.
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TheNewMe2.0's Journal - A Better Life
in Daily Journals
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GET THAT BREAD! Good stuff.