DaBest

Day 118 No VG - 118 days, No SAH - 14 days, NF - 3 days (3/7) Finally the weekend. Last night I was VERY tired. I needed a night to myself. I just got back from a friends baby shower. I'm a little burnt out to be honest. But I cannot stay in tonight. I need to face the dragon. I know the anxiety will be there, but I have to go. The self-doubt will be there, but I have to go. I don't really have much of a plan right now, so how about my goal right now is to approach one woman in a club tonight? That sounds like a good goal. I'm going to eat a quick dinner and get my ass out of the house. I'm also going to try and be more social on my way to the club. I hope tonight goes well.

Day 116 No VG - 116 days, No SAH - 12 days, NF - 1 day (1/7) Busy, busy, busy. I don't have time to think during the week. I got a new laptop at work and it is SO MUCH FASTER. I didn't realize how much time I wasted waiting. I'm very happy about this. Today was reasonably productive. Tomorrow is going to be nuts though. As will Monday. However, I'm going to bear it. Just keep motoring through. If I don't, everyone else pays, and my future self pays. I need to keep pushing myself to get tougher.

Day 115 No VG - 115 days, No SAH - 11 days, NF - 2 days (2/7) Today was busy, but productive at work. I wasn't as angry today so that was good. I have procrastinated a bit since getting home. A three hour break is more than enough. Computer off for the rest of the night. My goal before I go to bed is to at least finish the dishes if not also getting groceries. I have two hours before midnight, so I can still get quite a bit done if I put my mind to it.

Day 114 No VG - 114 days, No SAH - 10 days, NF - 1 day (1/7) The middle of my week is usually quite boring. Oh well. I was very stressed out at work today. I need to start meditating again. I do feel like I was relatively productive today though. So that was good. I also took care of multiple errands today. I feel like I've also been fantasizing/daydreaming a bit too much recently. I need to resume facing reality. Tomorrow I'll get up a little early to do a little journaling. Peace.

Good call on getting out of the house. That's a great way to stop that kind of thinking in its tracks. I should do more of that too, in retrospect.

Day 113 No VG - 113 days, No SAH - 9 days , NF - 0 days (0/7) Well, Sunday was eventful too. I had yet another improv show, but this one went fantastically well. We got a really good ovation from the crowd at the end. It felt great to see everything come together. Saturday night was kind of a bust. Turns out it was just a sports bar, which was surprising from how it looked on the outside. I should've forced myself to be social, but I felt out of place since it seemed to be just groups of friends everywhere and I was there by myself. It felt weird. In a way, a club would've been easier because I wouldn't stand out as much. No big deal though, it was good to notice the thoughts I had which caused me to leave. I will be more aware of them next time. Also, I keep losing track of the goal of No Fap, so I'm going to create mini-goals along the way. Part of my problem is I lose track of my purpose once I start to stray down the wrong path. This has been the most difficult of the three to manage, by far. All-in-all this was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and easily one of the most unihibited ones, too.

Day 111 No VG - 111 day streak, No SAH - 7 day streak, NF - 3 day streak I've been on fire the past 48 hours. Woke up this morning, had to help a bit with someone responding to something at work. That was ok. Had a date today in the afternoon. It went a bit longer than I expected, but we were both hungry so I ordered food. I was pretty at ease though I had the spotlight on myself when I was getting ready. I realized that this is for me to screen people, and I can say no too. It was empowering. I am looking for something more casual, and they want more of relationship. Seemed nice, but I didn't really feel too much that would make me want to change my direction. Afterwards, since I was in the area, I decided to hit up an improv practice. The coach didn't show up, so a group of us got drinks and chilled. It was beautiful out, and it was at a cool but mellow rooftop bar. Really enjoyed myself. As we were about ready to leave, someone suggested we go to a local park and do improv. It was myself, and four people brand new to improv. And while I'm still really new and bad, I assumed a coaching role of sorts, and I actually learned some from doing so. It was kind of weird doing that in public, but that's good practice for getting through inhibitions. We got some stares, but it's all good. Now I have to make a decision about if I'm going out tonight. The thing I've been running from for months. I do have a show tomorrow morning too. All improv all the time, baby. If I go for a bit, I can leave at 11:30. Get home by midnight, full night's sleep. All good. I'm not going to a club, but I'll go to a bar that seems like a club that's not too far away. My heart's pounding. I can't stop. I have to go.

Good job, Jordan! Keep it up!

Day 110 No VG - 110 day streak, No SAH - 6 day streak (did see some at a bar though...I won't make the same mistake though), NF - 2 day streak Today went pretty well actually. Started off with a sense of dread and lack of desire to go to work. I went anyway and had a good 1:1 with my boss. He seems to think I'm doing well. That makes one of us, but at least it means I won't get fired soon. We also talked about the overload I have right now and he seems to know what's going on, which is also a relief. He's a good boss. I'd be happy if I good be as good an engineer as he is. Had to go into the city to review my MRI results. Not that bad, no surgery needed. In a way though, it is a bit of a bummer though since that means the problem isn't getting fixed, so no running for me. Maybe I can crush some PT somehow. I don't know. Afterwards, I spent a good amount of time texting and catching up with old friends who are away. I also went to a bar in the city I could never visit when I was poor in grad school--not as exciting as I'd hoped. A little too bougie. Afterwards, I walked my meal off for an hour to the venue where I had my show. Honestly, it was in a bit of a sketchy area. I got there super early and went into a run down bookstore. It was sad really. There were three people reading awkward slam poetry on an amp--which is weird because they were their own audience. The show was REALLY BAD. We bombed big time. In a way though, I appreciated the experience since we all survived and learned from it (I SHOULD DO THIS MORE IN REAL LIFE). We grabbed drinks after and I got to know them a little bit better. We all laughed it off, and I weirdly felt better about myself. Beforehand, I felt like I was worthless, and if I bombed, that was affirmation of that, but instead I felt better after because I faced the fear. Now I should do this with women. Speaking of! In the middle of my train ride home, I hit up Tinder, and I worked out a date tomorrow! Really changed my approach with this, and I felt much better and more congruent with my conversation. What a weird week.

Day 109 No VG - 109 day streak, No SAH - 5 day streak, NF - 1 day streak Well, I got a full night's sleep last night. Let's write some words! The past two weeks at work have been particularly trying. I've been swamped. We've been swamped. A lot has been asked of everyone. Today it got to me a little bit. It's just frustrating because every day feels like more ends up in the inbox than out. I feel like I make inadequate progress. It's immensely frustrating. At the same time, I feel like that in my personal life. More in than out. I want to change the tide. I feel like I have to an extent, but not enough. I need to learn how to multiply my force and ability to work exponentially or I will be stuck feeling like this forever. What can I do for that? 1) Focus on reading, meditation, and health first. I've gotten away from this. Knowledge is the only way I get out of this. 2) Maintain friendships. These are my rock. I'm unstable without it. 3) Learn how to learn and perform at a top level, and not by passively listening to podcasts. Actually studying and making changes to my life. 4) Get back my time. I throw away so much of my time to chores and dumb stuff that doesn't give me much value. 5) Get tougher. Man, I feel torn in a million directions right now.

Day 108 No VG - 108 day streak, No SAH - 4 day streak, NF - 0 day streak The craziness at work is finally letting up a little bit. Today I felt like I had a bit of breathing room. I'm still drowning, but still. Tonight might be the first night I get to bed at a reasonable hour for the first time in a few days! I need to prioritize this to get back on track. Again, I don't really have too much time to think about what's wrong with my life since I don't have much time to think period.

Hey Jordan. Good job on resisting, and sucks to hear about the rejection. Keep on moving forward and good things will start happening for you.

Day 107 No VG - 107 day streak, No SAH - 3 day streak, NF - 4 day streak. I got home at super late and I'm still emailing work. I did get to leave early though and go to my improv class. Nothing deep and profound today besides my legs hurt from running around so much. SO DEEP BRO. I'm just tired and rambly. Good night.

Thanks for the kind words @BrassWolf. It's a blessing and a curse. I just have to learn to harness it better. Day 106 No VG - 106 day streak, No SAH - 2 day, NF - 3 day streak Today was straight back to the rush at work, and the stuff at home I neglected after the weekend. For that reason I will keep this post a bit short, or at least try to. I also made some headway with the therapist today on something I'm not comfortable talking about here. It might make going out a little bit easier too.

Day 105 still No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak I woke up very nervous about the show today. Lots of negative self-talk. Presenting myself to the world brings on immense self-criticism before I even get the chance to step outside my comfort zone. At one point, I was able to catch this before I left, and I tried to change the goal to "just having fun" instead of "being perfect" or at a minimum "learning." I got there a bit early and relaxed. After a while a few of my...teammates?...groupmates?...partners?...arrived and we grabbed a table. My mind was distracted a bit when the other teams before us were performing, but as the team before us was winding down, all the thoughts started to come back. I felt like I was going to piss myself even though I had just gone, so I got up and went again before we were called. It actually went really well. We got a good amount of laughs, and though I wasn't paying too much attention while we were playing, I think we got more laughs than most of the other teams. I even got a couple too, though I had some moments where I lost track of things. Yay validation. I was honestly just happy I faced a fear and came out better than expected. I would be willing to do this again in the future. However, afterwards I was tired since I stayed up until the early morning. The rest of the day wasn't that productive. A bummer for sure, though part of that was a three hour nap. I'm not going to beat myself up too much about today because I actually was truly courageous for a change. I'm going to let the good feelings ride for a bit longer.

Day 105 technically No VG - 105 day streak, No SAH - 1 day streak, NF - 2 day streak Well, things got weird after my post on Friday. As I had just finished brushing my teeth and was going to go to bed at before 9 (yes, I was that tired), I got a call from my boss about some issue going on at work. I was on-call, and the most knowledgeable about the equipment, so figuring this out was up to me. It took about an hour of working through everything, and another 30 minutes or so to write a long-winded email with my response, to avoid a 6 AM meeting on-site, which was honestly unnecessary. Thinking I was good, I went to bed around 11. I was wrong. I wake up to a text before 7 about how my email was misinterpreted and how everything was stopped. In retrospect, my email could've been worded better. I explained the situation again, but once I had sorted through that, I was asked to go on site to supervise the start of the work. Well shoot. After that I cleaned up a bit and took a nap, but that was about it for the day. I was abusing the internet all day long. I have a show tomorrow as long as I don't get called in, and it is stressing me out. I cannot keep running from my fears. Admittedly, I did that tonight when I didn't go out for xyz BS reasons, and the stress from tomorrow probably played a part in that. I cannot keep abusing myself and I also cannot keep up this low level of effort on the weekends. I've fallen off the path a bit. I can get back on it starting now. This week sucked but that's not much of an excuse. Again, I'm going for thirty days no sports at home because I need the mental space to work on other things. Like fear. Tomorrow I have a good chance to be scared, and facing that will be beneficial. Good. I'm all over the place with this post. That's fine--I feel better now.

Day 103 No VG - 103 day streak, No SAH - 0 day streak, NF - 0 day streak Really abused the dopamine today. I was caved to stress and watching sports at the bar. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm absolutely exhausted to boot. I am going to bed.

Day 102 No VG - 102 day streak, No SAH - 31 day streak (1 day off, intentionally), NF - 8 Still quite tired, but I'm not falling asleep as I write this. This week has been nuts. I skipped my improv class and show for work this week. Things were bad. I am concerned I will have to miss my next improv class next week, meaning I'll fail the class automatically for too many misses. That will suck. I let too much negativity creep in this week. I must alter my impression of things and not let it affect me so much. Finally, in terms of streaks this week, still good on the VG and NF. I did take an intentional day off at 30 days for sports, and honestly, I don't like the time sink that it was. It doesn't really matter to my long term goals and happiness, and I got only an escape from it. I saw some sports at a bar today too and I question my reaction to watching. I was too involved. I will go sixty days now to see how things go. I'm a bit too tired to feel like writing more. Good night.

Nvm... Day 101 Left work after 12 hours today. Got home before midnight. Eyes rolling up in head.

Day 100 Short and sweet. I was at work for 17 hours today. This next week is going to be dire, but I'm going to just grit this out.

Day 99 No VG - 99 day streak, No SAH - 29 day streak, NF - 5 day streak Practice with the improv team went well, seemed like a bunch of nice people. I'm still absolutely terrified of performing though in front of a audience not filled with family and friends. I need to be very careful this week. I have a lot going on. Work is a freaking disaster right now, and not just for me personally. A lot of issues have been popping up recently. Even worse, I have been losing time at work due to medical issues, house issues, and whatnot. I feel like this week is ripe for a mental meltdown, so I need to be very careful. No matter what, I must take good care of myself this week. I am also feeling intense last second urges to peek at sports. I might go thirty days on, one day off, and repeat. That would drastically curtail my usage. I feel like I'm missing out on so much. On the other hand, I'm saving a lot more time, and focusing more on improving myself. I feel very ambivalent about the whole thing.

Day 98 No VG - 98 day streak, No SAH - 28 day streak, NF - 4 day streak Well, a few minutes after I finished that post last night, I got called into work for an emergency and left around 1:30 AM. Good times. I felt oddly relieved, and I'm amazed about how negative my thinking was in retrospect. I get truly irrational in those kinds of situations. Anyway, today is going to be busy. I need to clean up, get some non-perishable food since I have a loose circuit breaker which is shutting off my fridge periodically, contact my landlord, go to my practice with the improv team, call home, go to the gym, and complete some work before tomorrow morning.

Day 97 No VG - 97 day streak, No SAH - 27 day streak, NF - 3 day streak Finally got some much needed sleep. I felt way better today. I procrastinated a little bit after waking up, and went to another new gym to try it out. I'm not happy with any of my new gym choices. I have to make a decision on picking one. On a side note, my favorite sports team was playing on a TV at the gym, and because it was not at home, watching was fair game. I kept going over to it time and time again, but I had the thought of "Why do I care about this so much?" Eventually, I got over it and finished up my workout. As a result of leaving late for the gym, I left late for an additional improv practice. Thankfully, I didn't use lateness as an excuse to not go. It went okay. I happened to come across one of the members of my new improv team there, and we had a nice talk afterwards. It seems like we had very similar backgrounds. Now I'm home, troubleshooting audio issues on my laptop from the new Windows update--I have no audio now! I've been messing around with a couple of things. I tried downloading a new driver but it sounded very tinny. I'm using this last bit to procrastinate from going out. I have to be completely honest. I don't want to go out to a club tonight. I don't find it fun. It stresses me out. But if I continue to avoid this, it will just keep growing. And if I stay scared of this, I'll always regret it. Pros to going: -Might have fun, will feel better about self, will grow, will be able to flirt, will not feel as many regrets Cons to going: -I might not have fun, I might feel awkward, I might get rejected. I need to go.

Day 96 No VG - 96 day streak, No SAH - 26 day streak, NF - 2 day streak Really built up a huge sleep debt this week. I fell asleep for two hours once I got home. I also felt oddly spaced out when I was driving home. Again, really having a lot of urges to break the sports streak. Thankfully, I just asked someone what was going on and had a fun conversation rather than going down a two hour rabbit hole. I'm feeling a lot of anxiety about work, the promise I made to myself to go to a club this weekend, and the fact that I joined an improv team. I'm having a lot of thoughts of self-doubt and general negativity towards myself. Not ideal. I need to accept I am having these thoughts, but understand that the reality is I am a valuable individual no matter what happens. I also need to remember that facing my fears will make me feel better in the long run, or even if I fail, improve in the area I'm not confident in or at least have a good story to tell in the future. I'm going to bed early, going to get my shit together tomorrow, and go out. I'm scared, but ready.

Good stuff, man! Those initial League urges are rough. That's really impressive you stopped yourself halfway through that.