Alkan

I did some reading. I was facing decision paralysis without realizing it. It was too much at once. I got lucky though - a couple of deadlines got extended (one of the deadlines was literally insane, the other one was a case where something was just a lot harder than most people realized, leading for many to beg for extensions), so I get a second chance to go in and research how to avert catastrophe if the situation arises again. I'm also starting to recognize my information addiction. I've recognized that information is important, but that my sense of its importance has been one of the tricks that my brain has used to get me distracted by something. I'm getting even more serious at this point - the week did transform me. And, recognizing my decision making paralysis has improved things considerably. They say "knowledge is power." Not really - knowledge is pay dirt. Power is the gold. Basically, relevant information is the only thing that's actually useful to you. So, you want to spend your time seeking out information that is richer in relevant knowledge - the gold. When you are extracting useful information from the world, the clutter dies down as well. Clutter slows you down. So, in that light, I'm going to start reading "Getting things done" by David Allen. It just sounds like it's been well-received, and it sounds about like the thing I need in my life now. I've found something very important to running a morning routine: you must limit the time you spend on everything so that you actually get through it in a timely fashion. I'm finding that I am really enjoying being productive in a way that I never have before. I saw someone at the library messing around on his computer, mindlessly, while I was working diligently, and it just had this whole different feeling and meaning. It was like I was looking at what I've been struggling to stop doing from the outside - realizing how damaging it is - and just how gross and uncomfortable it feels to mess around unless you've already delegated some time for rest. Every month or so I just end up growing naturally, having little breakthroughs. I keep getting better and better at this. Finding this site was a major turning point for me. Becoming clean with games has lead to a much richer life in a very short timespan.

Yesterday I had a very difficult time managing my impulsivity. I procrastinated all day, and loathed every minute of it. I feel better when I'm actually working. Yet, somehow I just wasn't working. I just want to know why it happens and how to make it stop happening. It's the cause of a lot of pain. I feel incredibly powerless to actually do anything about it once it is happening. It's so incredibly frustrating.

I am going to make sure this intense week transforms me. I view it as excellent training for operating on the level I want to operate on more permanently, moving mountains every day. That's all I have time to write at the moment, but it's the sentiment I want to keep repeating so that I actually DO work even harder after the pressure dies down a bit.

I'm finally reaching a point where I've regained some self-control that games very clearly destroyed. I've finally gained back some of my patience. I remember what it was like now to be able to sit down and focus for a little while in the morning. It's irritating realizing the damage that was done, still feeling it. As for cycling, my legs have been sore since my ride on Friday. I've been hungry all the time, craving protein, loading up on things that have nutrients for repairing muscles and I've been sleeping for like 9 hours per night. I've noticed that magnesium really helps me sleep deeply, it's a pretty strong correlation - I'm probably missing it in my diet. This week is extremely busy. It's more work than I've ever taken on at once, and yet, I feel okay because I'm actually managing to tackle it.

That makes sense. It's easier to relax when you understand the worst case scenario. Though, sometimes the worst case scenario sucks. Perhaps the trick is to realize its very unlikely as well. No, you're not going to stop working. Yes, you are going to keep pushing. Then you can relax a bit and push harder because you're not overly stressed. So today I started using Strava (app for cyclists to compare times on segments, very gameified system). Hit 7th overall on a segment out of like 2300 people, though I know a few of the people on the list and I know they'd kick my ass (or be in a similar range) under the same conditions (had a decent tailwind ~6 mph). The funny thing is, I haven't raced yet and I could stand to lose about 20 pounds before I'm at an athletically ideal weight. So, basically, probably everyone on the first page actually races in upper categories... So, I probably need to start doing that soon. Speaking of which, that is indeed me hitting one of my goals - to become a strong cyclist by the end of the semester. I've trained somewhat hard now. As for the semester, I don't think I can get all As at this point, but all As and Bs? Certainly. If I pull that off it'll be a rather monumental turnaround, since I'm also working a part time job.

I'd rather bring aspects of games that make them so appealing into reality than dive into a false world of nonsense that will slowly destroy your real reality.

Heh. I have my own way of doing it not in a state of stress, but not in a state of ease either. I use urgency, but it's more of this fiery inner drive than stress. I found a neat trick for stress... Ibuprofen dulls down the pain of the stress without removing the energy of it, making it easier to focus. I don't think I would have finished my last homework without it.

Been a little while since I posted here. I think I am going to drop the hammer on going into see a therapist about probable depression, anxiety and ADHD, the three likely candidates for things that I've had issues with. Plus they were all contributing factors in my academic downfall of a couple years ago. I've grown into such a type A personality that it's crazy. It's the most invigorating thing too - it's really a damn shame I didn't figure this out when I was like... 12-14. I had a bit of a slump, but I'm redoubling my efforts and raising my standards again. I spent enough time in the "pretty decent phase." I am still struggling with the internet - not horribly, but it's certainly cutting out of things like the extra mile that will get me the grades I really want, art, music, and things like that. I also get distracted by the piano pretty easily. I get distracted fairly easily. My impulsivity is high and it's really irritating. That's what I noticed most recently - I've never been lazy, but I've always been extremely impulsive with things that cause procrastination. It's upsetting and irritating because in a lot of ways it still feels very much out of my control.

It seems that in social interactions, power and hierarchy dynamics are so quietly hidden under the surface. Insecurity is directly linked to this mammalian hierarchical programming that we all have. We all have things to feel insecure about on some level. I'm starting to think that a way to free yourself from a sense of insecurity is simply not to take things too seriously. The smaller things look to you, the larger you will look to everyone else. So what if you wasted years of your life on video games. You have the power to not give someone else's judgement power over you. When they see this lack of impact from whatever insinuations they might make, they'll be disarmed. Not making a big deal, not getting emotional, staying calm and confident in the face of challenge is about recognizing that the worst that can happen isn't the end of the world. It's also about recognizing that your flaws are just there and why really give a shit anyways. It's a waste of time giving a shit about things that don't matter - giving power to things that are insignificant.

One of the biggest things I've replaced gaming with is socializing. I am now a regular at a cafe where people know me. It's part of why you see less of me on here, because I'm not as needing of being plugged into something. It's largely when I'm home and bored that I feel like I need to plug in to something. As for procrastinating, I still do it, but it's become a lot less of a problem because I manage my time more realistically. For school work, what seems to work for me is going to a cafe or the library. Those two will help you a lot - taking yourself out of your house and going to an environment where you are surrounded by other people doing their work sort of creates this social pressure to be doing something productive, taking the back of the mind social pressure of doing well in school to the front of your mind. Also, really consider the fact that you really have to grind through things to get a lot done with school. I never really realized what that meant until recently. Grinding through means spending those long hours at the library. My friend and roommate basically lived at the library in his undergrad. He recently got accepted to med school.

I keep saying it, yet somehow I keep forgetting. I have to keep meditating. I think it's because it doesn't work 100% of the time. But, the times that it does works, I always manage to get into this intense state of observing every change that happens in my mind so rapidly that it supercharges the process. And, it feels amazing. I was procrastinating all day today. Now it's late. I don't have to work on this assignment right now (and it would probably be fine if turned in as is). But, after meditation, I found myself, late at night, with no real clear need to work on it, actually working on it with ease, like it's fun. I do wonder if I genuinely have ADHD sometimes. Looking back at my past experiences, without meditation I literally just can't keep things together. I start to regress, slowly, but I start to regress. After meditating, things that seem daunting (in that they require focus) suddenly become easy. This is why I worry about the sort of "base state" of my brain. I am extremely grateful to have a solution, but it's unsettling thinking that there might be more to my problems than a mild personality difference. I have always had the sense that most people seem to be more able to focus on things. I've had the experience of missing things entirely - obvious things - and finding myself reminded of them. I have to train myself to enter that state of observation more rapidly. This will allow me to meditate more efficiently. I should mention, it's insane just how creative my mind seems to become during meditation. Some of the images that appear in my mind while meditating are so visually stunning that I am momentarily shocked out of meditation. It is the same way with thoughts.

That's just how you get out of the cycle - mindfulness when you're in the midst of the process. You start to recognize more and more about the hole every time you go back into it until you have trained yourself never to go there again.

I made a post illustrating my method: I focus more on observing the whole of consciousness. I start out with the breath to clear my mind, and do that for a little while to get some focus training, essentially. Then, I find it's much more effective to actually open up and let all of experience sort of fill the same space at once. It takes a massive amount of effort. It gives me a very nuanced sense of what's going on emotionally since I'm not judging emotions, but just experiencing them, making my ability to process them more refined.

Meditating today brought me a lot of good ideas - but the big one is that meditation is a great tool for pinpointing your actual issues in life. It makes you more honest with yourself, which deconstructs self-delusions. It can be a scary, but liberating thing, seeing yourself in a more honest light. It also has the practical effects of finding where you're having the biggest problems. Sometimes you will see a lack of progress in some area that you're working on - and with meditation, you'll uncover the specific problems that elude you - the deeply rooted mental habits that cause you to not do what you intend to do, or cause you to do something that you don't intend. I can't imagine having made it this far this quickly without meditation.

I have a bit of an issue with the title "Four Hour Workweek." You just can't achieve great things in so little time. It's a long, arduous grind. And, in that grind you'll ironically find true happiness, and respect for those who've made something of their life, like you're on your own path, but, in a sense, you're also on the same path. It adds this beautiful narrative to living. I came to this topic to update, based on the article. I've been working my ass off most days since I read this article, and I've reached a point of satisfaction and self-confidence that I've never felt in my life.

I just don't think that games actually lead to happiness. I think they just get in the way of actual happiness. Pleasure isn't happiness. Easy pleasure actually can be the cause of great dissatisfaction. Challenge gives you a sense of purpose and power, and there's this relieving gut feeling that you get when you challenge yourself with something that is actually helpful to you.

I experienced this. I'm really not lazy, at all. When there's something to do, I dig into it. I used to confuse my overwhelming cravings for video games with being lazy. If my addiction was instead smoking, I would never have identified with being lazy. Also, I know multiple professors who still chronically procrastinate - they're all highly accomplished, non-lazy people. Its so insidious how little things get inside of your head. My best defense against this is to simply stop identifying as anything in particular. I find that I have the greatest freedom when I do as I choose, not based on some imaginary role (literally, roles are imaginary, limiting categories).

Time for an internet break. I stopped meditating and my internet habit crept back a bit too easily. It's causing a problem now, so now I need to take a break until next Tuesday, except for pressing matters that I need to use it for, obviously. Cya in a week!

@Laney Maybe you should find the guys who like what's going on in the mind. Everyone's different, and putting labels on everyone's desires just creates unfounded assumptions that we sheepishly conform to. In fact, when you find the people who secretly despise the norms and fit yours, that's when the magic actually happens. I like playing the game - the smarter the girl is at playing it, the more fun the chase. I'm not particularly attracted to unintelligent women, even when they're physically attractive. Summing up my approach to what I like is not even really possible. There are so many factors for me that influence my attraction to someone. But they have to be decently intelligent in some context, whether that be social, musical, artistic or analytical intelligence. Otherwise I'm just going to lose patience. I actually feel out of place with other guys when I'm out - they don't seem to find the same enjoyment in the process, of charm and all of that. @Marchosias I've typically identified as an INTP as well. I'll always be a T - I'm extremely analytical. I just use the thinking portion of myself to learn how to develop my other intelligences, like my gut intuition. My brother is a very solid feeler and extrovert - I learn a lot by talking to him. I would call myself more of an ambivert these days. The more I talk to people the more I am liking it these days. And, I am not that fond of being alone at home. In fact, as much as I like my apartment, I can't stand just being here alone for very long. I'm very intuitive, processing lots of information. But, with meditation, the sensing portion of things is getting easier. Perceiving as well - creative, not particularly organized (though not horribly disorganized). Even so, those labels are pretty broad, depending on who you're talking to.

Yep, this is definitely a key lesson. What I do is try to stay social throughout the day by interacting just that little bit more with each person I run into (baristas, grocery store clerks, etc.) It also creates conditioning. Being curious is also a way of motivating yourself over that initial gap.

I'd take it a step further - self development is something that never stops. You never reach a point where you go "okay, I'm fine" because you start to lose it like you get out of shape. Except being "out of shape" in terms of development is miserable. So, never be out of shape, because self-development is fun - and even addictive.

Finally back here. I've been busier than I've ever been in my life, but having freed myself from games and worked on myself, it's also one of the most rewarding experiences I've ever had. I feel satisfied and confident on a daily basis - these are the feelings that come out of applying oneself, even if the result isn't exactly what you want. I've taken effort on as a way of life and it has paid off greatly. A new strategy - I used to classify myself as an introvert, but not too long ago I started noticing I actually do enjoy things that are very clearly extroverted activities. I also find that when I have energy, I find that I have quite a bit of energy that doesn't require serious away time. I actually am not that big of a fan of being alone for very long either - games just filled that void more easily. So, my strategic thought for the day: it's easier to meet more people when socially warmed up. If I've just been sitting around, my brain isn't in social mode - and when it's not in social mode, it's difficult to think of things to say. I am significantly better at playing the piano about 30 minutes after I start playing. So, the new routine is just going to be to talk to strangers on a daily basis about whatever funny/random BS there is to talk about so that I actually keep that part of my brain warmed up. Furthermore, this is another way to expand on social practice. Beyond that, if I'm the one constantly taking initiative, I'll be perceived as more confident. So, essentially it's time to destroy hesitation. I do a lot of my studying in a particular coffee place at which I am now becoming a regular. There is a piano there, which is a great way to meet some other musical people who happen to come through there.

That'll be my theme for the day: No more silly excuses. Take responsibility.

Yeah... I fell into this trap too many times before I completely kicked the habit. With too many things, actually. There's always just one more thing with addictions. It's just never worth it. It takes some effort in moving that to an intuitive gut feeling from simply a rational understanding, however.

I think the thing that you might not be considering here, @Primmulla, is that our brains tend to trick us into doing things. Our justifications are just that - justifications. The "lizard brain" manufactures feelings, and then we act on them - and put a narrative to it later. Our narrative has little to do with what actually happened, which is generally simpler and following a more animalistic pattern of behavior.