NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Hitaru
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Posts posted by Hitaru
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Jay, ¿cómo te va? He estado un tiempo sin leerte y veo que estás pasando por un mal momento, pero no pierdas la esperanza. He vivido las mismas emociones que estás viviendo tú (las que cuentas al menos) y seguramente saber eso no te sirva de nada, porque sé como es estar en ese momento en el que todo te da igual y da igual lo que te digan para intentar animarte o aconsejarte. Solo quería decírtelo, no para decirte lo que tienes que hacer o que conozco más cosas que tú, solo que sepas que no estás solo en tu lucha. Y si no me crees puedes leer el principio de mi diario, aunque está en inglés y uso un lenguaje enmarañado (ahora me doy cuenta de que era para evitar enfrentarme a las emociones que sentía en aquel momento).
Y quiero decirte lo primero que está bien que tengas ese momento en el que crees que te rindes y que no puedes más. No estás decepcionando a nadie por sentirte así, ni siquiera a tu familia aunque te muestren una emoción negativa, no es decepción. No piensan "Ah, sabíamos que Jay en el fondo no valía, esto lo confirma". No. Quítate eso de la cabeza, porque no es así. Y si alguien te dice eso alguna vez, da igual quien sea o si lleva tu sangre o tu apellido, dale puerta porque no merece tu tiempo ni tu presencia.
La realidad es que está bien que te sientas derrotado a veces, porque la vida no es todo victorias y éxitos y alegría. A veces la vida te deja en el piso y parece que la gente a tu alrededor no respeta que tengas tu momento en el piso, pero a la vez tampoco se acercan a darte la mano y levantarte y ya no sabes qué pedir de ellos, si que te dejen en paz, si su comprensión, o qué. La confusión es la primera y la más dañina de las trampas que te hace tu cerebro, sobretodo cuando está en depresión. Cuando no sabes qué pensar no tienes dirección, no piensas nada, estás perdido. Y cuando estás perdido nada tiene sentido, y entonces nada merece la pena. Esa es la trampa. Puedes tener tu luto, tu frustración, tu ira. Debes tenerlos, porque debes enfrentarte a ellos, para vencerlos, para crecer. Pero no caigas en trampas.
Date tiempo. Puede sonar absurdo. Pensarás "¿Más tiempo? No necesito tiempo, necesito soluciones y que se vaya este dolor", y es verdad. Pero puedes actuar y darte tiempo a la vez. Puedes empezar a vivir sabiendo que lo que sea que estás sintiendo, pasa. Bueno, malo, da igual, pasa. Por eso no debes perder la esperanza, porque al final pasará, como la noche o la marea, y empezarás a ver las cosas con otra perspectiva. Tener paciencia no es esperar inactivo, es tomar la decisión de seguir adelante, de no perder el empuje para no caer, y si caes, levantarte y retomar por donde ibas. Dormir no es morir como descansar no es parar. Descansa cuando lo necesites, pero no te detengas.
Yo creo que eres un hombre valiente, y no es un cliché motivacional. Por enfrentarte a tus problemas, a tus adicciones, a tu familia, a tus sentimientos, a tu miedo. Tienes malos pensamientos, todos los tenemos. Todos hemos sido egoístas, vanidosos, orgullosos, hasta malvados, hemos hecho daño a gente que no se lo merecía y a otra gente que si, y luego nos hemos arrepentido y avergonzado, y que sea compartido con el resto de la humanidad no lo hace más legítimo o menos doloroso. Es más, seguramente ahora mismo no entiendas por qué creo que eres valiente, o pienses que miento o incluso si digo la verdad, que no es para tanto o que es una tontería. Y si lo haces, se que no eres tú quien habla, sino tu cerebro dolido y asustado, tu depresión y tus demonios personales. Y yo no puedo hacer nada para que te sientas mejor, eres tú. Tú debes tomar esa decisión.
Porque al final mañana va a salir el sol igual, y la vida va a pedir de ti las mismas cosas, te sientas como te sientas. Y puedes decidir sentirte mejor, o menos peor. Está en ti enfrentar esos demonios o escapar. Ya has comprobado que escapar no sirve para nada. Cada día que no escapas, aunque no hagas nada, solo asumir que están ahí, mirarlos a los ojos, como mirarías en alerta a un perro rabioso que te acecha, cada vez que haces eso estás luchando. Cada día que luchas, ganas. Aunque te sientas como mierda. Aunque sientas que no tiene sentido. Aunque tu cerebro te diga "Pierdes el tiempo, no merece la pena" y tu le creas. Estás ganando.
Lucha cada día Jay. Es lo único que tienes que hacer. Es la única opción sensata que te da la vida. La única opción que lleva a algo. No tienes que preocuparte por ganar, si luchas ya ganas. Ganar no es necesariamente conseguir lo que quieres en el momento, o incluso nunca. Puedes ganar y no conseguir lo que te propongas. Porque ganar es saber que estuviste ahí, que lo intentaste, saber que intentarlo mereció cada gota de sudor, y sangre, y lágrimas, cada depresión y cada día que parecía que no iba a acabar. Lo merece, Jay. Yo no lo creía hace dos años. Hay días que aún no lo creo, no te miento. Pero merece la pena vivir, sin más. Vive y lucha cada día.
Espero que sigas escribiendo, y que te cuides. No te encierres en ti mismo, al menos escribe como te sientes aunque sea terrible. Se que cuesta y a veces es casi insufrible, pero escribe, aunque sea unas líneas. Traza un camino, sea el que sea, para no perderte en esos sentimientos confusos y vacíos. Ordena tu cabeza, haya lo que haya. Una vez sepas lo que hay, que lo puedas definir en pocas palabras, es el primer gran paso en tu recuperación. Confío en que podrás hacerlo, aunque te cueste o tardes. Tienes toda la vida por delante para ello, aunque quizá te convenga darte prisa. Una prisa moderada, al ritmo al que tu estés cómodo.
Un gran abrazo, te seguiré leyendo, aquí tienes una casa y una comunidad que te apoya.
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I don't want to sound paranoid or narcissistic but that last episode of the podcast with Amber Valdez had @Hitaru written all over. I listened to it once but I think it's going to need at least a second one.
My life purpose crisis is reaching its end. I have it mostly sorted out. My current path is ok, my fears unfounded and all those thoughts are actually self-sabotage. Which lead to anxiety, PMO and procrastination. Easy enough. So, now it's not about me not knowing what the hell to do, but me being a f*cking coward. Which is way more easy to handle, or at least to understand. I'll have to ask myself if the comfort and temporary relief of that anxiety is worth the price of a long life of regret. I'm sure I wrote this before and I'll keep doing it until the answer is a cristal clear "No".
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Ok, I confess to being older haha. What is emo? I've seen the term around. I do remember watching early anime growing up..I'm talking Robotech and Voltron. ?
Special snowflake attitude, dark humor and clothes, girls wearing lingerie stockings, bangs dyed in purple, black eyeliner, red lines painted in your wrists with ketchup or ink, a morbid hate for your parents and society, bisexual experimentation ending in codependent straight relationships involving lots of bad quality picture slideshows with "My Immortal" as background made using Windows Movie Maker, high-pitched obnoxious screaming during group meetings in shady places of town made infamous among normies for aforementioned reason, anime character impersonations and threats to violence and self-harm were what being emo was about in my teens ^^
Disclaimer: I wasn't a true emo since I didn't dress up as one nor take pictures. God how I regret not doing it. "Adapt to society", said Mom, "It will be fun", said Mom. I hate you Mom, now I'm going to listen to some more Evanescence.
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If you look for Game Quitters in Google, you and @giblets appear immediately in the results. Just saying.
Almost two months Bob!
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I don't think you're nuts. I think you feel special and that you have a lot of innate talent that can be put to amazing use. But, as a result of negativity from addictive behaviors, your self-lnowledge of your potential has become corrupted (in a way) to make you think that that potential is some kind of evil thing. I think when you succeed in overcoming your addictions, that self-awareness and sense of expectation will be "purified".
I feel the same sense that I'm destined for something great. That's not ego or cockiness. I just know that I have great gifts and talents and when I unlock them by casting off the shackles of gaming (and soda and pmo and this extra weight), I am destined for greatness.
Hope that helps.
It helps, Bob, thank you for your kindness. But there was not only kindness in your answer so lemme see... Yeah, you might be right. No matter what others say, even if there was a prophecy about me I should be able to make my own choices. Not should, but am. I am able to make my own choices. And yes my friend, you have the potential to do something really interesting, so keep up the good work, I can't wait to know what will be!
What about being the best and biggest politician of all-time while simultaneously doing so much good for the world?
I'll have to practice my bullet-dodging skills.Yes. Yes. How...? That's a question directed to me, not anyone else. A question destined to me, pun intended, since it's my life. Ah.I'm tempted to say that I wasted away/procrastinated the day, but... I think I'm still in internal monologue. I... know what I want to do. No. I accepted what I want to do. But I haven't assumed it. I
stilldon't dare to make a realistic step by step plan, or rather, to question seriously my current choices. Would the military suit me in this new path? Would quitting before trying be a rationalization to escape? If it's not (yet it is), do I have a REAL plan B? That's my compromise, if I can make a plan I'm satisfied with, I'll change course. But that's not gonna happen, because I need money, I need responsibility and maturity, so "Stay at home reading politics and traveling with my mother's money and not doing anything in the end" is absolutely NOT a real plan. Fuck that, not again.I have a huge problem of self-assertion, so I guess a new fight has started. Wonderful. Not in a sarcastic way; I mean truly positive. I needed this, it had to happen. I guess I kind of wish it happened at day 0 or before, but happening at day 370 it's not so bad either.
The silliness of the day: A friend showed me this short movie everyone (in my liberal circles) is talking about and I made this:
It represents and metajokes me at so many levels I cannot help but chuckle and feel my heart warmed every time I look at it.Yes, it's finally happening, rainbow feelings settled in me and my levels of glucose are out of control. Curse you A., you are the culprit of all this, curse you...! Please kill me before it gets worse and I start seeing the good in everything and everyone or some similar dystopian fate.
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I read "unite the Germanic peoples into one nation" and all I can think is...did he play Europa Universalis? ?
Not since last year buddy
(but it's true given how much I liked it the sentence could as well mean "having cravings", hah)But, in all seriousness now, and I'm asking this directly to you, @Mettermrck, now that you brought it up and like History. Please consider this:
I want to be a politician. I'm dreaming big, and I mean really big, so big it embarrases me to say. As big as you can imagine and then some. In my home, in my town, in my country, saying this out loud would turn me into a laughing stock. Even for you thousands of km. away it may still sound the unrealistic fantasy of a little child, like wanting to be an astronaut but creepier because of the napoleonic vibes. Right? That's the whole issue. I know my ambition is huge, and perhaps a little too big for my own good since I should also have a life to enjoy. But I feel delegitimized.
Want to be the best surgeon ever? Unrealistic, but noble. Win a Nobel Prize? Well, you shouldn't count on it but sure go for it. Greatest leader of the first half of the XXIst Century? Dude go get that checked by a doctor. Also you're going to be a crook sooner or later so fuck you.
I've been thinking about this big-league politics dream since forever. Yes, as a 5 year old child, nose buried in absurdly huge tomes about the World Wars period and all types of biographies. Of course, there was people who noticed. "You're going to be a politician", said my teachers mockingly every time I opened my mouth. "You're going to be the next Hitler" said my friends. If you ask them, they'll still say I have some fascist secret sympathies. Even my family name is uncannily similar. At home, my mother wouldn't shut up about how ambition is bad and surely the residue of a sick mind, and went to the extreme to suggest I was one of those sick people as well. That last things brings tears to my eyes, but of course she won't give two fucks about it.
Can you understand? I felt destined to become some sort of Antichrist. I felt ridiculed and destined to do evil in politics and become a hateful person, and while I was playing grand strategy games as a placebo (and masturbating every time anxiety settled in), I even came to think I was doing a great service to everyone else by getting them rid of me.
But I can't be happy because there's no other thing in the world that makes me more motivated. I always knew.
I guess that's my personal closet, instead of my sexuality. And, the same as people who stay in the closet lead lives full of lies and unbearable frustration, I wasn't able to find my direction as well. All those side projects like learning a trade, bullshit. I want to be a politician. I also like to do other things in life like traveling or writing, but I don't want to be a professional traveler or writer. Not without having walked the path of politics first. I will never feel happy doing something else, and I cannot change that, my motivation is beyond my personal decision, it was chosen for me, or at least wired into my brain at so impossibly young age that now it won't go away, like existentialism. Thus was written thou shalt become an existential politician. I feel played by fate, it's not fair. It's not fair to be given this stupid brain, it's not fair to be given this stupid "task" and it's not fair to be given the incomprehension of almost everyone else.
I've been dodging this talk since I opened my journal but here it is.
My question to you Bob is: Am I really nuts? Should I just forget about it and focus in something more... or rather less... megalomaniac? You have probably read a lot of biographies of nasty people, and I would find extremely unpleasant to say the least to find myself in one of those. I'm not a psycho, I want to be accepted and loved, though I don't exactly know why and in all honesty, it feels a burden to my goals rather than a reasonable human need. I should probably work on that btw.
If I give up on this, I won't be able to ignore it. I'll have to turn back into grand strategy gaming right away and pray that it numbs me enough to give it up forever. It's not a threat, but a mere reality. If I choose to not play, it means I'm not simulating it, but going for it IRL, since I won't be able to put it aside. When I'm having sex my mind gets distracted by politics. That's how bad it gets. You can laugh and pity me I guess.
You noticed right? There's not a real choice here. That's how I feel. Well, at least my boyfriend and this therapist support me. I can see the worry in my boyfriend's eyes, but I can't tell if he's worried about my future or my present. And the therapist, well, I thank his honest opinion.
I'm feeling really tired now, and I have a PMO addiction to take care of, so before I get overwhelmed by anxiety I'll keep going with some stuff, I have a birthday present to give today and then some studying, etc.
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From my NoFap Journal:
Do you know this Woody Allen recurring gag in which his character is reflecting on a deep and hilariously complicated topic like the sexual nature of noodles and its connection to Judaism or some such, and then someone stares at him and replies or at least murmurs something witty like: "You don't have many friends, do you?" Well, that's exactly what happened today at my appointment with the therapist.
Which, to begin with, wasn't a cognitive-behavioral therapist, despite what he advertised. Considers the whole behavioral thing to "infantilize" the patient. And also doesn't consider Internet friends as friends at all, so everyone who I have ever felt mutual sympathy towards through a screen has been officially demoted to "beings". Hi beings.
Despite the old-school mindset the meeting was pleasant and intellectually interesting. He made big focus in two concepts: motivation and socialization.
Motivation is the final goal that I can cut into smaller, shorter, smarter goals, it's what I truly desire to do in life, that thing or things that make me tick.
Socialization is that magic that happens when I stop thinking about how to unite the germanic peoples in one nation for a second and partake in simpler pleasures of life, or more popular (meaning "of the people") activities. To chill with the constant rationalizing and complicated topics, in a nutshell.
It's a way to see it. I could get offended, but what for? Might as well try his suggestion. He didn't even arrange a second appointment, left to me the decision to call again in some weeks instead. One thing is clear: I do need to get out of the house more, and I certainly need to give some steady direction to my life, so his shot is not that far from the mark. How to handle the anxiety and the existentialism, that I don't, and he doesn't look like he knows either, but it's a fair start.
Motivation, huh. I guess that would be politics for me. We discussed how hard is for me to find support, since this is not the 80s anymore (spanish historical context) and basically it's a really frowned upon choice. He said something about how the final goal (say, President) makes you look detached or unrealistic, or even a bit crazy, but a shorter goal (say, Political Sciences student) seem much more down-to-earth and easy to support. Good point. So, I guess you're officially reading an aspiring Political Sciences/Sociology student. How does that sound?
Also, I'm not ignoring the discussion about Cam's (and Vlad's, if he finally joins) coming to the Iberian Peninsula, but I'm still too choked on the emotional turmoil to comment.
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Welcome back Daniel! I also procrastinate a lot, I use SF + Cold Turkey, I heard good things about K9 but I'm not sure yet, can you please report back with your experience using it?
You can do this man!
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Plus, the latter always reeeeeally need more men. I'm positive that they will be glad to wlecome you. Just pick something easy on the joints to begin with.
You say! In Spain latin dances are currently a big hit, and it's just ridiculous the disparity between men and women. I have a friend that really got into them (he lost around 30 kilos/66 lbs, there was a time he was in 4 academies simultaneously and danced around 8-12 hours daily, a madman
). He's short, like no more than 5' 4", plump and thick boned, so the poor guy wasn't that popular with girls (at least until they saw him dance!) and the amount of work he had partnering with the girls was hilarious. Thankfully he likes girls and dancing with the same passion, other people would have ended in the hospital due to exertion.@giblets It's settled then, if anyone ever makes a movie about gaming addiction, the name shall be "Sunday Blues". Sundance next hit, I assure you.
Keep going Bob! You are going to be ok.
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Land in Lisbon September 13th. Boom.
Spain and Portugal not the same thing buddy
yet.
Still hyped tho! Careful with those waves in Portugal, some of the tallest and most dangerous are there I heard.
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Hey @Cam Adair! I appreciate it very much. And thanks for the "special thanks" on the forums. ? Honestly, it's part of my recovery. I know from experience how excited I get when someone posts even a short note on my journal. It makes me feel less isolated, like people are listening. So I try to give that to others. And if I invest in supporting them, they're more likely to support me. And social is my weak spot, that's for sure.
Bob, thank you man. I've been procrastinating showing up in other's journals for almost all the time I've been here, and you showed me, right in my face. Even with a job and a workout routine it can be done. All my respect man, you're turning into legend!
Thanks, @giblets, for talking about being honest in your journal in that last podcast episode. It's so tempting to just try to gloss over your struggles, hide them, and pretend nothing's wrong. Then you try to work it out on your own, which rarely works. No, I feel better admitting my battles.
@giblets was in the podcast? I'm checking on that, awesome @giblets!
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Yep, I started with one pushup and situp and added one a week. I'm on 18 now. It's slow but I've never had muscle soreness or torn muscles.
Sounds like a plan, IF I can make myself do it.
The move with the cables was absolutely brilliant! I'm proud of you.
Thanks man, I was having mixed feelings about it (not behaving like an addict all my life, not reinforcing dependent/hopeless behaviours) but I did the right thing.
Guess what buddy?
HEY HEY, GUESS WHAT KIDS! Thanks for the shoutout, it meant a lot.
Actually it hasn't been so merry. I'm still stuck in the door frame of my studies and that takes up most of my thoughts (it's distressing because I know I'm at the very edge of the event horizon that will make me start studying consistently but it doesn't happen*) and concurred with one of my "moods", hence no happy post, but eh, I'm not sad either. I'm getting by the "Year Temptation Syndrome" aka "big milestone rationalization trap" and I've also been fine with my new NoFap commitment (I've teamed up with an argentinian guy who seems a pretty cool guy and guess what @Cam Adair, also a certain russian actor who's been also around this turf lately
) so things are going good. *In fact I've been doing memory exercises and logic games recently and consistently, so that counts as study. They are games/mobile apps, but they feel as a chore. I use them to procrastinate studying "properly" (in my book that is doing official tests) but at the same time they are improving my skills necessary for those same tests. That 10 point improvement speaks for itself. God in heaven, father of all random happenings, did I just hit the jackpot?
A childhood friend suddenly asked to meet right now, so there we go! It will probably be a downer. Or perhaps not? We'll see. This meeting happens every year once or twice, and it's been getting better each time, so I'm not pessimistic. We used to compete a lot, but now it's clear we have set different paths for our lifes.It's going to be postponed to tomorrow so another friend can join, so I'll try to make myself busy this evening. I still haven't properly celebrated my year being clean!Talk to you soon!
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Man, I'm not the first one to mention but those job benefits are awesome! Here in Spain the only extra you can usually get is less lashes
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Glad to see you back, Hitaru! I'm glad you have social and romance covered. Those are my toughest areas right now.
My first thought was: "Can we change roles?" because I think those are my "secondary" areas (I believe I find more purpose in work, for example), but... If they are working, I must be doing an effort, right? Maybe it's an effort I don't notice, or comes natural to me, or even an effort I do to procrastinate (eg. meet with people to avoid study), but it must be there. It's me who contacts with friends, it's me who downloaded a dating app and made the decision to be brutally brave and honest from the start... and yet those actions are... dunno.
->To illustrate my point-> When I was with A. last weekend, I commented I was about to reach a year without games (because his birthday was this monday and we were talking about relevant dates, etc.). He kissed me and
said the usual pleasantrycomplimented me wholeheartedly that he was proud of me. I shrugged and blurted "Ah, no big deal".Can you imagine? It certainly, absolutely was a big deal a year ago! (There's the journal as proof). How can I be this self-deprecating?
It made me think (nothing good). That's what I mean. When something's done, it's done, it's no longer important. That gives me plenty of space to worry 100% about the next problem, which should be a positive trait but blurs my sense of progress. I'm at least 80% the same stressed out than a year or year and half ago, I'm just ("JUST", you see?) more intentional (and less depresive). I said this before, but I keep noticing from time to time and I don't know how to make it stop. Yes, being mindful, but...
Barely related, the PS3 in his room was a painful, constant reminder (even being a PC player, but he had really good games) and I don't feel ashamed to say I was heavily triggered. Hand itching triggered. A year ago I'd think it would be embarrasing to be triggered after a year since I should be this super-alpha motherfucker already but oh no, in the slightest. Time has passed and I realized that 1. I'm in this for life and 2. It's going to accompany me until it doesn't, if it does (leave) someday. On monday he had to go to work in the morning and I was to be alone for 8 hours. So before thinking too much about my ego, I took the cables, made a bundle and placed them in his hand, and with what I assume had to be a really submissive face (I guess), I said:
- "Take this with you, too."
It was a mix of embarrassing and empowering, but I guess that's what vulnerability is. He took it in a very natural way, the slightest bit of melancholic perhaps? But understanding. And I guess also a bit proud. Or maybe those were my own emotions reflected on him?
It took me way longer than expected to write this, and I'm getting sappy, so back to business.
Exam goal: 61/87 (this may vary wildly and it's not a trusty estimation but it's a reference, I won't get obsessed with it)
Exercise: I'm going to apply slight edge tactics here.
There are 4 exercises to pass: Jump (leg exercises, like squats I guess?), crunches (or sit-ups, it's not clear and probably depends on the mood of the examiner, so I have to master both), push-ups (military staple of course) and periods of sprints (this one is tricky, I guess I'll need exceptional cardio and speed, so leg exercises and running as well?).
With sit-ups and push-ups, I'm going to do one and start from that. Tomorrow two, the next day three, and so on. So far I can do 15 and 5 respectively (in a safe, perfect way). The objectives for the exam are reasonable, but I need to look beyond if I want any chance to survive the bootcamp.
Get the appointment with the therapist done because you said you would. It doesn't have to be the solution to all of your "problems", but being in integrity with your word and the commitments you make is a very important step on your journey. Go in with an open heart and see what resonates with you. Let the rest go.
I ALMOST FORGOT, I DID! It doesn't feel a big thing right now, but I kept my word and that can only lead to good in the long term. Appointment is in August, I'll tell you about it when it happens.
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I think I'm lucky with gaming in that, as a PC gamer, there's more setup time to install one vs mobile games. So I don't have that impulsive temptation to slip back on.
You are. I'm lucky to be a single player ex-gamer since I didn't lose any friends and I have the physical barrier of needing to re-buy the games if I want to start again ("properly" with achievements, achievements were the real drug once I tasted them).
I think I'm going to be much more intentional
Do or do not, there is no try.
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Also @giblets, @Mettermrck, dudes... sparkling water is pure Hell and suffering. Mineral all the way man.
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Day 49/90. Had a good meeting with my counselor yesterday. He said every time he sees me I look smaller hehe. That's always a compliment!
We talked about how I'm doing, my long term plans, etc. We agreed that I don't think I could have made these changes while still being in my marriage. I think I did need to separate from that drama and environment in order to finally get myself on track.
He wants me to write an essay about how I finally did start to turn myself around. I think the trigger was when I finally accepted that the divorce was happening, I came to realize that only I could turn my life around. Nobody was coming to save me. There was no more safety net, financially, socially, etc. Only I could do it. And I am doing it.
Gratitude
1. A great counselor and friend
2. I've discovered a love in my heart for the gym and working out that I didn't know I had
3. Got to wear my smaller shirts and was complimented
Love this!
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Wondering whether applying for jobs in the middle of summer is any good though, considering holidays and such...
>having jobs in winter
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I didn't die. On thursday there was exaggerated drama, but it was easily fixed. Then I spent the weekend with my boyfriend and
discoveries happened
and now I'm back. I wanted to write here as well but I couldn't remember the pass. Also I wasn't being productive (or trying), though a certain someone would disagree.
In serious business mode now, having social and romantic fully covered means I have to focus more in mental and physical, and that means me doing things that will make me smart and tough and... well, you know already. Let's go.
Quitting Youtube/ Social Media distractions: 82% implemented. 38 days; 36 good, 2 failed, streaks of 24 and 12. Honestly I wasn't expecting this huge success! Other basic habits (waking up and sleeping, eating...) are also going good.
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Tuesday the shit, but at least I ate decently and did some exercise. My usual workout routine is getting easier and that's a good sign, but I tried some general physical condition exercises recommended by the Ministry of Defense (nothing out of this world, I assure you) and what the hell. I literally almost cried in frustration of how nauseous I felt. I could finish the routine at least. Today I'll do my usual stuff, tinkering with the different weights and asking suggestions for new exercises and so on, and tomorrow I'll try the other routine again (different things, the ministry was kind enough to provide a full per-day training plan). I think I'll fall into that rythm and see how it goes. Thankfully, I'm not one of those arrogant gym guys that prefer to die or get hurt before reducing weight or do something lighter than what they're used to. I'm much more a "technical" one, doing the exercises painfully slow, checking if I'm working what I'm supposed to be working and not something else, that sort of thing. I still dislike exercise, probably a mix of prejudice and seeing how bad I still am at it, but I'll try to be optimist about it.
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A good day yesterday. Healthy meals, class, workout, good routines... and drama, in the other journal. But great overall. I can do this
with superior tactics. Just need to get used to it. Faking it until I make it. -
Operation "Stop looking like a bum" was a success. It's way too soon to talk, but the razor is working perfectly so far. Having more freedom to customize my looks (in a much shorter time) will boost my confidence. Yesterday I hosted a dinner with friends and boyfriend taking advantage of my house being empty for the day. It was a huge success (no homecooking tho, but we'll reach that point sometime). Bad news is, I'm still slacking. The deadline to look for a therapist is coming dangerously soon and I haven't done significant efforts to find one. There's been personal reflection and progress, yes, but things could be going much faster with the help of a professional. I don't truly believe that. But I agreed on it with Demir. I guess I could tell him "I'm not ready for it yet", and it would be a legit answer but... feels like my prejudices and insecurities are stalling things.
There was big progress in a specific area, however. Regarding lewdings. Details in the other journal, because they are lewdings.
Plans are being made for this week. Updates soon.
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@Onlysoul, @Mettermrck, thank you for the encouragement. You know, I've been always complaining about this or that of my life but... I'm now realizing just how little encouragement I receive in my daily life. And it's not even about me personally, but everyone, it's honestly hard to find friends or family that keep a constant stream of positive feedback.
And the example that comes to my mind is this: My rival went to his first cinema premiere invited by a friend before he wasn't all that interested in that world, much less considering leaving everything behind for it. He came across the director, a fairly enough known personality in Spain to bring some shaking to the hands and a silly smile while talking to him, and telling the story later. So here's my friend with this guy (whose name I'm not dropping because I don't remember if it was who I think I remember it was or someone else) and they are having the typical conversation: "Oh, I really liked your movie, fantastic work sir, it would be awesome to appear in something like this someday" etc, etc. And said guy stares at him with that kind of nonchalant look you get after you've heard the same thing thousands of times. "Try it". "Oh no I would never, besides, it's not meant to me". "Have you ever tried? Then how can you know?", and the rest is history.
Here's the deal. I asked my friend: Do you think you would have really tried if this guy didn't tell you?
And without stopping to think (in a kind of Elon Musk stare like video above) he immediately answered: "No".
And that's just insane. I mean, imagine this director was arrogant and conceited and told him "Give up" or "Yeah yeah, sure". But not just that. It's not even about being rude. Imagine he was simply less talkative, less assertive with a complete stranger, imagine if he had shrugged or listened in polite comprehension without saying anything, like for example I would have very probably done in his position. Imagine if someone had called him in that moment, and he had to go without being able to answer. The life of my friend would have kept going in its path of indifference.
And it was a successful life by the standard of this community: at 21 years old he had a supportive family and friends, a career, a job he could have kept forever because he had passed the public service exam, a healthy lifestyle and a fiancée. Two years later, none of that remains. He renounced to his position and can't go back, his career is practically useless in his new field, he broke up with his fiancée, his old friends mocked him and turned their backs, his parents are disappointed and believe he screwed everything forever. And yet he wouldn't go back for the world.
The catalyst of that dramatic change was someone saying "Man, just try it, why not". Encouragement. I don't know, it may sound stupid to you, or woo-hoo motivational bullshit, but I find it impressive. Anyone has the potential to bring change to anyone else's life. So please keep doing that, as much as you can, with as many people you can.
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I've been failing my commitments (according to my high standards), and yet I don't feel as much anxious. Am I in the path of resigning to defeat, or is it a positive transitional process? Good things have come to my life since I took this current path, and yet I feel I don't want to use the momentum to take a turn in another direction, but to keep going with this and see where it goes. I can make it. As a fact. It's doable. That makes me much more nervous than when it was impossible and therefore the perfect excuse to divert my worries while I was stealthily improving my life.
Of course the prospect of @Cam Adair coming to Spain is there, skulking above my head. I was so shocked I couldn't even answer you. How would it look like if you came to Spain, and found me after a year of detox, and a recently passed exam? Oh boy. Should I visualize that? Is that the right answer? I must sound really silly now, but it makes sense in my mind.
I'm reading The Slight Edge. I didn't remember I actually went and bought it in Kindle version. I also bought an electric razor, that will help me a lot to reduce the "bad looks" excuse to go out and do stuff. It will arrive tomorrow. Please dear God, let it work fine.
So back to the Slight Edge. Simple actions done every day. But what if the simplest daily actions are actually the hardest to me? Thinks like waking up, or eating healthy
or not falling into fight-or-flight despair.I have to keep reading, but I'll get there. I'll update when such thing happens. Self-reminder to also keep reading Victor Frankl's book. -
We will be waiting for you when it's all done as your cheerleaders! I'd say go visual on us being in cheerleader outfits to keep you relaxed but you don't want to see @Moe in a skirt and pom poms.
This quote is obviously wrong edited, I would find extremely amusing to see as many members of this community as possible in such attire.
I agree with @Onlysoul, you got this! Sometimes cutting ties with your previous life can be an instrument of change. Cherish the memories for the good moments they gave you, learn from the bad moments, and keep the experience as another brick of the big (metaphorically, not bodily!
) building that is you. Also, don't worry, common foreign knowledge about the US dictates that every american has an ex-wife named Meg.
Captain Taru's Log: Out of the Fog
in Daily Journals
Posted
>Gibraltar and Andorra
>Nearby
(Actually, sense of real distance is a bit distorted for us europeans)
The area of the Gibraltar Strait (eg Tarifa) is a well-known place for surfing and other wind-related sports, really recommended. But I would strongly advise against visiting, financing or promoting in any way the unlawful territory of Gibraltar though. Political reasons and also long and boring border checks.