Hitaru

Boy, if I had 900 USD right now I'd flee from home and never look back. That's 10 dollars a day. 3650 dollars a year. People smuggle drugs in Gibraltar Strait for that money. Awesome job Bob!

I'm starting to believe it too! I didn't study yesterday and now I regret it, but I'll study double today and done. Positive mindset. The good news is I've been able to start waking up in the mornings a g a i n. Seriously, I don't know how many times I'll need to go through this, but it's really easy to mess up the rythms without a routine. Or hard to keep the good ones. Or both. First exam in 5 days, and while is not essential it is actually essential I need those extra points I don't have too much hope. Whatever, just keep going. On Thursday I had a meaningful (and dramatic) conversation with a friend. It's not the kind of friend you'd normally expect, she's middle-aged and way more a surrogate mother figure than standard friend. I'm fairly sure I mentioned her before. The conversation revolved about adult fears (completely well-founded, soon-to-be facts) in her life and it was really tough. Regarding my own issues, I told her about what's currently going on at home and we discussed the possibility of me staying some days in her (their) place until I sort out my exams, so I can have some space to think about my future with perspective. We haven't advanced on that field since it was brought to the table. I'll ask her later. Not for pressure, just for info. The idea is not very practical, and certainly wouldn't be a permanent solution to my family problem. But, it's there. What I DID yesterday, hold your nachos, was confront a girl about my PMO problem and the very specific way she (or rather a lewd made-up version of her in my mind) was unknowingly involved for years. Oh, and that I once took creepshots of her, and I was sorry. I truly am. I did it sober, with no benefit or end-goal in sight, only to watch the world burn fix my trigger pattern with her once and for all. I thought if I had an unconfortable conversation, the annoyed and humiliated real life version of her would outweigh the fictional one. She hasn't replied yet (and to be honest I don't expect anything else than a block in all social media, police knocking at my door and her boyfriend beating me to death in a back alley) but so far, it's been working like a charm. I’m running dangerously short of items in the list of “Most awkward things you can do in life”. I'm not cringy, just... unconventional, ok? I also don't wear a fedora or embarrasing T-shirts, so @Cam Adair, @Vlad, don't worry, I pass as normie just fine. Well, a bit nerdy, but that's just my face. And my speech. And my glasses. But that's trendy now, right? Just don't make me dance anything else than slavic drunken hardbass.

Could you throw a figure of how much money have you saved in games+food+soda during the detox? Counting down indeed man, it's gonna be epic.

As long as there are not russian 90s business practices involved...

@BigPete247 I'm not fully sure what you're talking about, sorry @giblets You're right. I know I have an imperfection but it's been harmless up to now. Beyond that, all the tests I've been doing have been fine (I was sick as a kid, the illness is known to threaten liver and heart so yearly checks until my 20s were mandatory, but nothing showed up). About going to checkups; this may sound an excuse but hear me up: My mother's specialty for 20 years was heart surgery (not cardiology, there is a distinction) so she has developed an eye to predict death along a sense of humor outsiders would find disgusting. I guess that affected me back in the time as an impressionable child. She's also a huge fan of asking friends for tests below the table or taking liberties with hospital material whenever we or people we know are sick, and leave the waiting process of social security for the "plebs" (I also tell you this isn't by far an uncommon practice inside the profession). Things must be done her way, that runs in the family. So if she's convinced I'm fine (and she is, I've written before about how she thinks everything in this world is anxiety), then I'm fucking fine until I drop dead on the floor. The worst treason I could do to her is going to the doctor the normal way without counting on her. Even taking care of my health means dealing with her bullshit. It's ridiculous. She will even say "You love going to the doctor, you spend all the time in one" whenever I'm worried, and then say the complete opposite when I confront her about it. That has a name, it's called gaslighting. She has made the process of asking for help and guidance shaming. I'm so fucking tired man. [That said, social security is pretty much useless and social placebo, except for getting general surgery (and that's if you survive the months or even years of waiting list). If you want to get fixed, you must pay extra money for it, and the investment must be laser-guided (that means you must somehow know how to get fixed, absurd as it sounds)] -------------------------------------- Being answering Pete and Giblets means I didn't have a heart attack and die yet. These two weeks have been a social disaster and the last two days I haven't been studying much. August was the shit, please end already.

@Daniel There are members who went through the detox and reported they weren't feeling fine or their feelings of depression increased. There were others who almost immediately relapsed, and others relapsed way after, 6, 8, 11 months or more after quitting (Cam himself has told how he relapsed heavily 11 months after quitting). And of course there were people who realized they weren't addicted, only procrastinating a specific aspect of their lives which they addressed during the detox, such as exams or relationships, then moved on to play again in moderation. Each person is a world. The common factor about relapsing after 90 days is overzealousness (that... is not really a word, right?) in the idea of the detox. The detox is a good example of a SMART goal, it settles smoothly in the mind. When people quit many find themselves doing new or delayed things almost by inertia and boredom, but this is not always the case. People who obsess over "reaching 90" rather than setting themselves up for success during those three months find themselves lost once they don't have the motivation of a deadline anymore. 90 days is the rewiring process. Then you should want to start driving the car once it's fixed, right? It's a beginning. Same as a car, the brain requires to be watchful, and sometimes it will make a strange sound or you'll have to step aside and reflect but that shouldn't be a problem. Self-awareness is routine maintenance of a life well lived.

I just woke up with a heavy pain in my chest and my heart doing the strangest noises, like it has lost it's rhythm and irregular beating. I got honestly scared. I woke up and went back to normal. I sit back down and laid in the couch and tried different positions and it returned to the messed up state. I have to confirm it with a doctor but there may be a chance that spending all the time idle and laying in the couch with 0 activity for most of my life has officially messed up my circulation. I can't have the heart of an octogenarian, I will die before having even figured out my life. [This may sound silly and exaggerated, but I can't help to remember the story of an online friend of my ex-gf who had a chronic heart condition. I didn't know her personally but apparently the girl was a blast, even practised boxing regularly because "Wtf, I'm dying before 30 anyway and I'm not going to stop doing what I like." I may have mentioned her before. She actually died and everyone who knew her was devastated, incluiding my ex. I don't want to be like that, dying and making everyone sad and regretful that I couldn't live to the fullest.. I want to live and contribute to the happiness of as many people as possible.] Gonna do stuff right now, report later.

For the military. I didn't give up completely on the thing and I'm taking it back after my funk. Since I'm acting like I'm broke (meaning with minimal support from my mother, except food and shelter which is already too much), whatever I want to do in life must be backed up with an initial money investment (inb4 small loan of a million dollars), that means a job, and this is the most straightforward way. I gotta get serious with this shit, or whatever shit that comes up, but since I already decided on this shit then this shit it is.

It happens in "these parts" as well where I live, it's a global thing, sadly. Good thing there are people like you who stay true to themselves.

This first week's results. The many 0s are unanswered sections. I should have done more tests, but I've been checking the sections individually as well. I don't think I'll be able to improve too much in what I have a 10+ already (max is 15 per section) so this tells me I have to focus a lot in numeric and absurd abstract reasoning sections. 63 points so far. 10 points in those sections would mean 83 (considering I also improve a bit in the rest). 83 would be acceptable and probably enough to enter in what I want. I guess I can stop panicking now. It can be done with a bit more effort. In other news, meh ensued. Gotta do stuff so I can tell about it...

Congrats Francisco! Feel free to open a journal and tell us about your victories and struggles if you ever want to celebrate or get support.

@Mettermrck We want pictures before and after the detox, you know that right

Dancing to hardbass should be a conversation-starter everywhere. R e s p e c t, o kurwa! I have countless stories of friends going to Poland/Central Europe and bringing back boxes full of cheap vodka back in the good old days. A lesser known fact of spaniards is we love hoarding cheap stuff even if we don't have a short-term purpose for it (it was a lot of vodka, believe me. A lot.)

@Vlad More like the courage rather than time, checking recommendations puts me under pressure. So thank you again for doing it. I'm busier, but my emotions are a mess. I guess I'm more upbeat but my lows have been lower. That's a good signal. I've been checking previous posts and there's nothing new to what I wanted back in 2015: quit games, quit porn, quit the couch and start moving. It's been almost two years but I'll get there.

Perfect timing to watch @Vlad's videos. You'll notice that in other people's journals I tend to get a Hero/Rescuer role (or even Teacher role when it's done right) while in my own journal I clearly position myself as a Victim. So I guess I'm heavily stuck in a "Reluctant Hero" role, or sometimes even "Reluctant Prosecutor" (I notice this happening with my political ideas sometimes, and a lot more when I address myself: "I hate to be parenting myself but I suck", etc). Thanks for your kind words! And thanks Vlad for the videos. Really educational, they are in my personal archive now.

I guess it depends on the intention. There's people who for example play for an hour during the 90 days, because they don't have anything else to do at that moment or they experiment with moderation, then they feel bad or bored while they play (they notice playing doesn't bring them the same emotion as before the detox), and carry on as if nothing happened. I'd say that's fine since the overall process hasn't changed, they are detoxing. Some people count that as a relapse, some don't. Sometimes counting something as a relapse can be a mind trap to keep you stuck in the first days and further justify more relapses since you haven't advanced that much. Other times just playing a bit and then another bit and then another bit and not counting it as a relapse can be a mind trap as well, to keep you from fully quitting cold turkey. It all comes to the intention. In my case for example my addiction came in the form of single playing. I don't remember doing multiplayer during my detox, but if it happened it wouldn't be an issue since it wasn't before the detox. I decided to quit it altogether anyway because even if I got naturally bored after an hour or so of multiplayer (a healthy, moderate amount of time), it was also a trigger for single playing afterwards. The best way to prevent the dilemma is simply not play for 90 days, and then concern yourself with moderation being an option. Just don't play during the detox!

Almost there Bob! Nostalgia and rationalization will always be there in some form. The best way to deal with them is to see this current path you're taking as something bigger (and better) than a mere 3 months detox. A detox for the sake of the detox is abstinence. It has a lot of merit, it can teach you many things, but it ends there, it's single-use, fire and forget. Do you want to train to run a marathon to satisfy your ego and have a single experience, to be able to say that you once did it? Or do you want to step further and adopt a whole new lifestyle? Is your commitment short-term, or long-term? What do you want to gain? What you don't want to lose? Think as if you already reached 90. Think ahead. What is the next step in Bob's Journey?

Vlad, this forum is about "living a life you're proud of", not just not gaming. Gaming is the crutch, but then you gotta walk, right? You're doing damn fine man, keep up the great work! That said, a balanced businessman is a truly successful businessman. Don't forget to rest hard! You're training your minions to delegate after all. The Overlord doesn't micromanage, that's a videogame myth

I know Made me chuckle Today I tackled the math section and the result was better than expected. Is this starting to take form? I'm being kinder and looking less worried with everyone around me and it's been... weird. On one hand I feel more dignified, which is great. On the other, there's a lot more of anxiety to cope by myself. And this week it's being bad luck for socializing, several plans cancelled in a row. I guess I'm feeling lonely and overwhelmed lately, but it's ok, honest. @Vlad I STILL haven't watched your videos, pls don't break up with me. If my phone can view them correctly I'll watch them now.

Today meh.

Man. I don't know her and my opinion of women is biased, but her leaving the door open in that way is a blood red flag for me. If she considers getting remarried, then just don't divorce. By the things you've told, she's probably legitimately pissed at the past you, and probably fears if she concedes things will go back as they were. I'd be thinking that if I was her. Waiting for you to get healthier and change your life to hit on you again to reap the benefits... Would that be ok for you? I'm not even pushing you towards a specific answer, after all you want your partner to give something to you and make you better than alone, but then if that happened you should be able to ask the same level of commitment to her, right? If that would be an option a 2.0 version of the relationship may be possible but really difficult. I would go straight to her and say something like "Meg, I'm committed to change my life and it's completely normal if you don't trust me. If you want to come later after you make sure I didn't pussy out (or a more polite term, depending on your normal language with her) I'm open to it (assuming you are), but then, the same way you asked of me [this and that], I would ask you to [this and that]. If this is ok for you let's stop this right now and make it clear." Does this makes sense to you? You can call bs on me, I'm not exactly a marriage counselor or... experienced at relationships whatsoever.

So what's gonna be in the end guys?

[INSERT DUTCH ENTHUSIASM], you know, a slight smile or somethin' C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S !

Instead of doing all the sections of a test (meaning a total of 45 minutes aprox.), I've adopted a tactic of attacking individual or related sections and then devote a day for whole tests, or when I feel strong to check the overall progress. It's too soon to say it's working, but today's results were great! Studying is exhausting to me. Well, any kind of effort is. I've been eating and taking walks to fight the headaches, and I mean several walks a day and a lot of food (for my current standards, which are probably what I should be eating). It's been three days of this and I can't complain so far. Exercise should be introduced asap, I need to get more tired to sleep properly.

You could download the free games and Cold Turkey the .exes until 2100 for MAXIMUM EVIL Attributed to Ferdinand Foch, WWI general and one of those merry butchers of the 20th century, along with other figures like "I secretly hate Russians" Zhukov. You surely checked after writing but seriously I can't believe @Mettermrck didn't say anything. The shame...! "Please don't sue us N*F**!" Congratulations on day 20 Daniel! Woo!