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thehondasc00py

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  1. Gaming: Day 74 Media: Day 4 Yesterday I rested, contemplated. Played some guitar. At night I contemplated the question "What is gaming"? Came up with this: Pretty good session. Clarified and dropped a bunch of stuff. Still though, I'm seeing flashes. Not sure I would call them cravings, just images...and beautiful memories...of World of Warcraft. I see a mental image and feel a warm feeling. Today I had the thought of playing a couple weeks after my detox during Christmas holidays. Probably won't follow up. I remember what Cam said about putting your Gaming past behind you for good, closing that chapter of your life. Reading posts on the StopGaming subreddit, I see people talking about how it is and always will be impossible for them to moderate. I can definitely relate. I don't think I will ever truly be able to moderate. In any case, it WILL be time spent that could be spent on things more useful for my life. Still, I cannot and will not put it behind me right now for good. I don't feel like I authentically can. I might break that word with myself. For now I will keep the option open. But my detox continues of course. Growth is a dynamic process. You never know exactly where it will and should take you, it's all about getting up to a higher vantage and drawing a new route to the next highest vantage from there. It feels like old mechanisms and old behaviours belonging to old Selves clawing there way back up. I believe the best course of action is to allow them to surface but refuse to act upon them, reminding myself of my goals, everything I have achieved these past months, disidentifying from the thoughts (this is critical), keeping up reflection, this journal, keep doing new fun and engaging things in life. Don't let it grow too stale or routine. Today was pretty cool and relaxing too. My media detox is going strong, it's just occasional flashes of WoW and memories that pop in to say hi every now and then. I must stay vigilant before I find myself unconsciously browsing news and youtube videos etc. Spoke with my Mum about my studying situation. Told her I'm not passionate or wanting to be a scientist and that my talents are not utilized in this area. She sent me some study programs by email today about journalism, writing, etc. I think that might be much better suited to me. I'm very good at writing and enjoy it a lot. I need to find a career path that utilizes my creative talents. That's where I can shine. For now though, I continue to try and stay on top of my studies here. Always a good idea to give things your all. Plus I will get credits that might serve me in the future. And if I pass all my exams there's a fat 1000Euro bonus from my parents waiting for me Would totally spend that on travelling. God, Ive been wanting to go travelling again. I've been reminiscing over my time in South East Asia and my amazing experiences though. When I open Facebook, I see photos of people I met there who are STILL on the road half a year later and I get kinda jealous Someday. It's definitely calling me. So is gaming....Fuck it, I'm fine. huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu
  2. Gaming: Day 72 Media: Day 2 It feels good to be doing these every day again. I had a wild day. Not from an outsider's perspective, because I spent 3 hours in the morning doing deep contemplation. I went through the question: "what do I identify with?". "What is the mind"? Well, it seems to be the "space" that "Thoughts" happen in. What are thoughts? statements regarding "I" questions regarding "I" statements and questions spoken by images "others" movies/fantasies images sounds music labels Well, actually it seems a Thought is any phenomena appearing in the mind. So then I sat for quite some time, staring out of my window, observing Thoughts. After any thought had come and gone, I asked "Did I just identify with that?" sometimes the answer was no, for some arbitrary random thoughts that were clearly not willed into existence by me, and had little to do with me, other times the answer was "yes", when the thought closely related to me or my situation. It seems that it is impossible to be aware of a Thought in real time if you identify it, only after it was passed do you realize "Oh, it was a thought and I identified with it." But in the moment the actual thought completely sucks you in. So that was interesting and eventually I had had enough and went for my daily run, which required breaking through some resistance as I was all comfy in my warm room and it was cold inside. So I reminded myself that I need to be comfortable with discomfort, and went for it. It was cool because I just kept contemplating while running! Later on I noticed I was quite agitated and egoic. I guess it may have been some ego backlash after contemplating, which is basically grinding the ego apart, so much lol. After nightfall I really noticed some suffering arising. I knew I had wanted to go out and practice some Game, but I really didn't feel like it anymore. I felt pain. At first I tried to resist it and distract but remembered the most effective way to deal with suffering: open up and turn toward. feel into it, identify it, investigate it. what is this arising from, what is deeper than this? embrace, and love. I contemplated it a bit. It seemed to be a mixture of loneliness/isolation which gave rise to me missing my family, but I think even deeper than that was Doubt and Uncertainty. I am venturing into unknown territory, I did not feel quite safe and secure, I doubted myself, some stuff came up. Ok cool. The suffering dissapitated and I started to feel that which is always there Beneath, recognizable when all the obstacles in the way have been removed: Love. Divine love, I allowed myself to wash and be purified within it, and tried to really rewire my mind to tap into that amazing, boundless resevoir of Love and Trust. I busted out one of the most beautiful songs and commited to playing it on Guitar. Now, I have a guitar but I've never really played it. But I just bought myself a new cabel (its electric) today, so I plugged in, found the tab music notes for the song on the interweb, and started jamming. I cant play, my guitar is out of tune, but fuck it. I played that song, sang it, and it was so cool. So feeling pretty good again now I went out to town and hit up the club. Of course, once again, I confirmed that I had had no reason to doubt myself, I was loose, open, confident. Of course I was, that's my new baseline. Me and my buddy just started rocking it out on the still empty dancefloor like we usually do. By the way, if you want to get loose, increase confidence and do something awesome, then go to a club at 10pm while the dancefloor is still empty but people are around and watching, and rock out on the dancefloor alone. Drop that silly ego and go wild. Have fun. So yeah I approached a bunch of girls no prob and had fun being silly on the dancefloor, eventually I got a bit tired and stifled, and thought "Ok, time for a challenge." "Right in the middle of this dancefloor (now full), amongst all the dancing people, I am going to stand absolutely still and meditate for 10mins". I set my timer and went for it. To be honest, it wasn't even quite as hard as I expected. I just dropped caring, and just stood there LOL. It was awesome, I started feeling this great sense of FREEDOM. "Everyone can see me just standing still as a stick alone in the middle of the dancefloor, AND I DONT CARE! IM DOING THIS FOR MYSELF.". At like 3 minutes to go some jokester stuck his finger into my ear while I had my eyes closed, but I just laughed with him about it. It's just a bit of fun. They're having fun, I'm having fun. I recovered my composure and completed the rest of the 3 mins, then immediately went an approached the set of girls my friend had been dancing with. The coolest thing? They were so into me. She had been asking my friend eagerly what I was doing, how old I was, etc. and after my 10mins were up, I immediately just walked up to them and introduced myself like a BAWS as if nothing had happened lol. It was hilarious. The thing was, by just standing there sticking out like a sore thumb and doing the opposite of everyone else, I had shown that I just dont give a FUCK, and thats just so attractive to a girl. So I hung out with them, danced a bit. Unfortunately I didnt really do much more after that, and grabbed the last train back to my village which goes at 1:30pm which SUCKS because I would have atleast liked to get that girls number but didnt find a moment. The thing is, approaching is easy. Dancing by myself is easy. Talking is easy. Hell, even standing awkwardly on the dancefloor for 10 minutes is (kinda) easy. But I have a real resistance to escalating with a girl. I KNOW I'm attractive, I even built up that passive attraction with my stunt, but I just don't use that. Thats what I NEED to work on. Dancing not just by myself, but WITH a girl. Getting physical. Getting sexual. I need to open up to that. Push the envelope. Start DOING it or I'll never get to where I want to get. I'm going to set some concrete challenges based around that for myself next time I go out. On the train back I thought it was a bummer that I left without getting that cute girls number, now Ill probs never see her again but we were into eachother and I could have done a lot more. But fuck it, that's a scarcity mindset. I have ABUNDANCE. There's always more girls. The only limiting factor is myself. It's all up to me. Ok I'll wrap up here. I'm planning on taking my next dose of mushrooms tomorrow so I'll see where that gets me. PS: I've gotten into Lucid Dreaming again. I've had phases of trying to learn this before but with limited success. I'm going for it again and not stopping until I do it! This means every morning record dreams into my dream journal throughout the day perform reality checks: check my watch and question my reality. Could I be dreaming? Take a few seconds to be still and observe existence and reality. How did I get here? affirmation(s) before bed: "I lucid dream." Every now and then try WBTB method (Wake, back to bed): Wake up to alarm in the middle of the night, briefly get up then go back to sleep again, trying to retain awareness and slip directly into a lucid dream.
  3. @Brad_Hurst Use 2 alarms. The first one, keep near your bed. Set this one to about 10 minutes before the actual time you need to get up. The other one, this can be your phone, you keep on the other side of your room, far away from your bed. Set your favorite song as the alarm, something that gets you pumped. Set this one to the actual time you need to get up. The first alarm goes off, you get 10-15 minutes to snooze it. But when the second one goes off, now its time to get the fuck up, and the only way you're turning it off is if you get up. Or sometimes I set my second alarm, the phone, to some nice gentle classical music (e.g. Chopin - Best Of) 20 mins before my get up time and just listen to it and let it wake me up gently.
  4. Game: Day 71 Media: Day 1 Yoooo I had an amazing morning. I got up, went straight to my desk and did some hardcore inner work for like 2 hours, went running, cold shower, Uni. I feel amazing. I have so much energy. Im crystal clear. I have jedi focus. Some stuff I came up with. Im gonna study now, might go out to Game (pickup) later if my mates are going, and put this new state of mind to the test. Embody my realizations. If not, until tomorrow!
  5. Yo I just sat down and contemplated/meditated for 90 mins straight and it felt AMAZING. Actually better than any game or movie, being so deep and conscious. If I do that everyday, the transformation I could experience could be tremendous. So I've decided, since I've been renting a lot of movies lately...all my time spent on shows or movies, I'm going to invest into contemplating instead. Just sit down and observe reality. Observe BEING. I have 20 days left of my game detox. Since the actual game detox itself has not been very challenging so far, I'm going to add another layer to it. For the remaining 20 days, I'm officially adding a media detox. So all visual entertainment. If I don't manage, cool, still got the game detox counter. But if I fully commit, I believe I can go 20 days without any media. It will be tough but I'm down for a challenge. Lets do this! From tomorrow, I will go 20 days without visual media. Instead I will sit down and just BE. Should I really need a break to recharge, I shall listen to podcasts or just music, or grab one of my (many) yet unread books. Gogogo
  6. Its just bullshit how much energy we expend looking for validation and respect from others instead of just simply giving it to ourselves and being done with it. I wonder how much energy would be freed up from cutting out that behavior for good..
  7. Day 70 Day started off awesome. Really got a nice miracle morning. 30mins meditation, some contemplation, then a fantastic run and cold shower. Doing great, came into Uni and could focus on the lecture the entire 90 minutes. Then I hit the library and ran into a bit of a pickle. I spotted the girl from the party sitting there. Thinking we were on good terms, I went up said hello and sat down. I tried to make some conversation but realized quickly that it was fucking awkward. To make matters worse, her snake cockblocking friend came up, greeted me in a sarcastic kind of way and sat down. They chatted there and I just sat at my PC lol. Eventually I spotted out of the corner of my eye the friend sneaking in a picture of me. I should have spoken up and called her out on her silly bullshit, but I didn't. I was in fight or flight mode and just keeping my head down amongst the perceived hostile environment. that shit was just in my head though. Eventually I said fuck this, said goodbye and left. Contemplating the scenario afterwards, I realized a few thing. Firstly, I behaved like a chode. I kept my head down, and was basically submissive. I perceived myself to be in a threatening environment. But this is in my head. Actuality: 4 bags of flesh sitting at a table. Big fucking deal. Anyway, I was bummed out at myself for acting beta and submissive, but I forgive myself. Along this Path, old habits and behaviors slip in. I intend to have them happen less and less. Have boundaries. I don't need people in my life that disrespect other people or manipulate in a dishonest manner. Thats all pathetic bullshit and usually comes from ones own insecurities and low self esteem. But if i let that get to me, what does that say about myself? I have work to do. I never want to behave like a beta chode again. That shit sucks. Its not about confronting others to cause a conflict, its about respecting YOURSELF. No one else can truly disrespect or hurt me, only I can do that. No one else even knows ME, so how could anyone disrespect ME. But if something is bullshit, and I don't speak up about it, im just disrespecting MYSELF. Always respect yourself, because no one else is going to do it for you. Thats your responsibility. You can't have other people love and respect you. Other people do not know you like you do, other people are unreliable. The only one who can truly love and respect yourself is yourself. Stop looking for it elsewhere because you won't find it. Ok so this triggered my ego, which is useful to see. It reminds me i still have such a long way to go, lots of work to do. it shows me the friction. its taught me a lesson, a valueable one i would be wise to embody fully. Don't be a chode, always stand up for yourself, always respect yourself, do not seek respect and validation from others.
  8. Good vibes in here indeeeeed ma mayn *POSITIVE SQUAD*
  9. Day 69 Hello there, It's time for another update, and it's a big one. Oh boy, where to start? Last weekend was awesome. My game (lingo for social skills with girls) is improving and I'm becoming more and more sure of myself. There's this girl I've hung out with at a couple of parties, I'm into her and she's really into me. On Saturday, I told myself I would kiss her. It was time to push the envelope, step it up, get out of my comfort zone, do something new. No matter what outcome, I would DO it, I would try. So, I walked into that party like a baws, and my game was fantastic. We had a great time. Eventually, I got up and pulled her outside. Adventure! Lo and behold, her friends rush out after us and pull her back in. Not even subtle. Lmao. Alright so that blatant cockblock stung but I wasn't giving up. Finally another moment comes when we're alone on the couch. I prepare to move in and boom, one of her friends comes in and sits down next to us. Bitch, could you not!!?? Alright this is getting ridiculous. My buddy agrees. This one girl that keeps cockblocking is a snake. And I thought we were friends, daym. Alright, one last go, I'm doing this. Me and my buddy prepare to bounce to a different party because this one is lame, I get my girl and tell her to say goodbye to me outside (guess what, of course I asked her to come with us but my buddy revealed after some inquiring that she was being pressured by her friends not to come). I crack some jokes, then move in, she puts up some resistance, I start kissing her neck, then her snake girlfriend runs out, pulls her away and hisses "SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND, SIMON". Fuck this, me and my buddy bounce. I did everything I could, gave it my all. I did what I said I would do, I pushed my envelope, I kept my word, I won. That girl's bf cheated on her a couple weeks back and they've been on a super rocky relationship since, captain cockblock and me flirted hella hard first time we met and I'm convinced she just doesn't want to see me and her friend together. Has a man ever been cockblocked as hard as I was that night? Lmao, whatever man. The day after, Sunday, I take Psilocybin Mushrooms my first time. Small dose, but I go DEEP regardless. Short, watered down summary of my trip report: After some initial anxiety I settle down and listen to some minimalist meditative music I explore my inner world, which at first seems to be some huge underground archive as the setting for some shamanic induction Eventually I see "me", sitting here on my cushion as a faceless, formless Buddha, and actual Me sitting beside me. I face us toward eachother, Buddha asks Simon 'How do you view yourself?" Initially, he is insecure and caught off guard. He recovers, starts to open up and become sure of himself. After some descriptions ("intelligent, open..." that mf flips the script, pointing at me, asks "And who are YOU?" At that moment the music turns somewhat ominous. As I sit with the question "Who am I?" distractions begin to arise. Ego does not want the question contemplated seriously. Towards the end of my trip I get the extrenely clear sense of BODY. My body feels so intrinsically PHYSICAL, present, beautiful, solid. I get the real sense that I am feeling it as a physical CREATION molded into form out of a Formless Substrate from which everything emerges into form. The same substrate the table or the music emerges from. My body=molded matter, my emotions=intricate art painted onto the canopy of life, my thoughts=songs writting by the invisible hand of the Substrate I now feel an infinite, boundless resevoir of warm Energy, Confidence, Enthusiuasm, Trust, and Love within me. I feel incredibly good. I come back and start babystepping my way back up to normal, egoic life, trying as I might to pull the insights with me, embody them, but much is already forgotten... It was a great trip and I look forward to the next one. So that was the "good" stuff. Next week, I crash. I get some ego backlash. Homeostasis. I feel burnt out. I just want to eat nuts and watch movies. Not good. I feel bloated after eating which makes me angry. I don't feel like going to Yoga or Kickboxing, don't feel like contemplating or being productive, I'm slipping up. I fail yet another practical at Uni. That makes 4 that I must repeat next year. That sucks. I don't want to become a scientist. I feel that the program is not right for me afterall. I'm in my head, I'm triggered, I'm egoic. The uncertainty about my programm, my digestive problems and my lack of drive all trigger stress and anger, from which I escape into movies and procrastination. On tuesday, I decided fuck it, I'm curious what the next WoW expansion is all about. Super cool Void expansion like I was guessing? Eh, it's only a matter of time untill I see adverts. I have a free day, I'm gonna get it over with. Watch the trailer mindfully, observe how I react. So I watch the trailer, the cinematic, some Blizzcon, read some threads. I have to say, I think it went well. I was actually quite disappointed with the trailer! It was not what I had been expecting or hoping for, the premise and the colour palette of the new continent both seemed rather dull, and all in all, it's definitely the expansion reveal that has hyped me the least. So that's a good thing, now it will be easier to deal with. Today, I went and browsed YouTube for some discussion on the expansion, but only 30mins or so. I think I'm done now. Yeah, I have thoughts of playing it. I do think I probably will give it a spin when it releases, but with a strict commitment to get in, see the content, and get the fuck out again before the Grind sucks me in and it all turns to shit. But that is still like 8-12 months away anyway. So much time to make further gains in Life untill then. I also had other minor gaming cravings for Shadow of Mordor 2. The first one had been pretty much Game of the Year for me, and peeking into my neighbour's window the other day, I saw him playing it. Damn, I thought, I really want to try out that game So, I'll let the cravings and thoughts sit there, and let them pass. They will pass, fade away and I won't be thinking about it anymore for a few weeks. Still, I see this as a new phase in my detox. And I see that I am not completely free of my Gaming past after all. Vigilance and radical self honesty salted with discipline and inspiration is still required. So I'll probaby be posting here more often again afterall. Tonight, I went to shit. Started watching a documentary with a big plate of food. Usually food+entertainment is a risky move. That shit is addicting and unconscious. Again my stomach felt super full, didnt want to go to kickboxing, I felt generally shit, and I thought enough is enough, I need to sit down and contemplate and work through this stuff. I lie down and fall asleep. Lol. Wake up one hour later feeling super scared and disorientated. I turn off the lights and go back to bed. I feel very worried that I have backslided into former selves. Or that I never transformed at all, and my old, weak, beta self was still under there. Shit. Eventually I say NO, I need to do some inner work. Seriously. I turn on the lights and get cracking. I visualise what my life will look like if I continue down this trajectory of comfort, pleasure, laziness, procrastination. Horrible. A bleak reality. I've been there so many times. Yes, it was easy, but I've always suffered below. It was never sustainable. It was stagnation. It hurt me, it hurt the people around me. I could not let this shit happen again. I visualise my life with the Path. I remember how amazing my life has been these past 2 months, how productive I've been, how much I've transformed. I remember there's a whole world with countless amazing experiences and opportunities out there for me, and with the Path, I can do anything. There's people I could help, an impact I could make. I could make an impact on the world. So much potential. Do I really want to throw it all away? I swing back and forth between these two Visions. I let out all my anger, my suffering with the negative vision, and feel grateful and positive with the good vision. Eventually I'm feeling pretty good. I get up, and start cleaning my apartment, something I've been needing to do some time now. I clean out everything, wipe it all down, take out the trash. God, that feels so good. The state of your room reflects your state of consciousness and vice versa. Tidy room, tidy mind. So, I think I'm back on track now. I'm going to beat this. I'm going to keep going. The Path. The Path. THE PATH. It's the best thing ever. It's the only thing I will ALWAYS have with me, no matter what. Growth, understanding. Cling to these things, not comfort, not pleasure, not validation. Let's DO this. Couple practical things: What are my percieved problems in life right now? University situation. I'm not passionate about my program, I dont think I would make a good scientist, I dont want to. I want to be creative. I want to use my creative talents. As I gain more self trust and confidence, I've been thinking of entrepeneurship. Maybe studying Business would suit me more afterall. Or become a Life Coach. I'm good at helping others and giving advice. Or take the leap and start a business. How amazing that would be. I want to lead, or atleast self employ. I just dont know where to start looking for alternatives. Study Business? Theres a program here at the same university, so I wouldnt need to move out. But it only starts in one year. Maybe drop studying alltogether, get a job and start an online business? Scary but what if I COULD...but my parents would not support it. They want me studying, and I need their financial support. Or do I??!! Diet/Digestive issues. I've been craving snacks when I get home. The only snack I have is nuts, so I've been eating a lot of nuts, more than I should. And I'm constantly feeling full, my belly is annoyingly big. I think I'm having some digestive issues. This makes me angry I hate it when I get this. Especially since theres no apparant reason, I hate ultra healthy and nothings changed. I hate when something doesnt make sense. Ego needs to understand. I need to suck it up and just eat less until it sorts itself out or maybe even see a doctor. Go One Meal A Day. Lack of drive/Burnout/Ego backlash I feel a lot better now. Will have to see how I feel tomorrow. Keep reminding myself of my dreams and goals though. Enforce some fucking discipline. Also, I forgive myself. Taking Action Start jogging again. Every morning. I need that extra exercise in my life. Remember the benefits: physical, endurance, cognitive performance, starting the day right, cold shower etc. I need to get those Miracle Mornings going again. New X Effect card. Ironclad Rule: 2 movies a week, MAX. If I'm tired, bored, unmotivated: READ A FUCKING BOOK. I have so many. Read books. Read books. Read books. Read books. Sit down be still sit down be still sit down be still Until next time suckers. Btw gonna start being more active here again. No one relapses on my watch.
  10. Just ran back to the forums with my tail between my legs lol I was glancing at my reddit homepage, and saw a StopGaming post about a guy quitting WoW, I read his post, and he mentioned... ...BlizzCon is on right now and the new expansion trailer is out. Ohhhhh shiiiiiiieeeeeeet This is the moment I was waiting for. I have not watched it. I will not watch it. Atleast not now in my life. Hey, I don't even have WiFi in my apartment. I can't game. I don't want to, it just doesn't work. If a behaviour doesn't work, abandon it. I won't watch my life crumble around me. The feelings I feel are quite interesting. Happiness and excitement at my strength and detachment, but mixed with...curiosity. I am curious indeed. Hmm. What's gonna happen? Will I tiptoe around the internet, avoiding news of the next expansion, until one day I'm standing in the train station and BOOM a poster advert hits me in the face? That should be quite interesting Nah, I don't think I need to tiptoe. It's cool. I'll treat the topic with mild interest, detachment, and trust in myself.
  11. Day 62, I believe Checking back in here. I had almost abandoned this beautiful forum because, well, I have transformed so drastically the past month, it's like past Me's have died and new Me's have emerged, and I'm kind of picking up the torch of the past Me's. Gaming was no longer anything I associated with, completely, so I reckoned I would leave GC behind me. But I did observe some fast flashes, some World of Warcraft triggers, and figured it would not hurt to keep this going loosely. So, life is fantastic. There's a vast reservoir of excitement, trust, self-worth, and love deep inside me which I have finally tapped into. Life is so bizarre and different from the limited worldview that was held previously. I've gotten into pickup, the term in the lingo is "Game", which is funny considering the context here, but I guess it's cool because it's like my new Game. Except that now, the Game is going out, meeting people, levelling up this Avatar I, the Ghost in the Machine, find myself in, in the girls and social life department. It's really cool. The doors that open through APPROACHING AND TALKING TO PEOPLE, whoever they are, are amazing. It's a completely new way of life. It's so cool. I find myself quite swamped, but still in kinda a good way. I'm so passionate and into my spiritual journey pursuing enlightenment, and my journey practicing Game, and at the same time trying to navigate through University...it's so much. But I'm detached and very trusting. I can do this. I wonder what life could look like in one year? Probably not how I expect. I practice letting go of every moment and seeing the world with fresh new eyes every new moment. Hmm, the words have stopped coming. I should get back to studying anyway. Peace out yo
  12. Oh man, it is so true. From the get-go, abandon the notion that these are just "drugs", like cocaine or alcohol. As I see it, they are tools that abide by one simple mechanism: they deepen your state of consciousness by various degrees. (Or raise it, depending on your preferred perspective/wording). The first step to any kind of self-discovery or transformation is open-mindedness. Radical open mindedness. Most of our suffering arises from being so constricted in our millions of beliefs and assumptions about everything we just assume to be inherently true about life. But a couple of trips will show you that reality is really so crazy, paradoxical and counter-intuitive that you can start unravelling that stuff and move towards a new mode of being, one of openness, formlessness, detachment. It's awesome. The rabbit hole goes deep. So if you feel ready, give it a go. These substances require vast respect however, and an openminded approach. A complete surrender to the experience and what the substance wants to show you about your own uncognized, subconscious mind and reality.
  13. Day 54 Checking back in here briefly. Doing well, but just had an extremely tumultous and stressful but also growth inducing weekend.
  14. Yeah sounds like you're just exhausted/tired when you sit down to watch them documentaries but definitely try switching up the position! I've been meaning to call u again I think I'll phone tomorrow if I remember ok?
  15. Bring it on kiddo! It's awesome! Kinda curious about that AL-LAD, what is that all about? It's a psychedelic drug. Psychedelics are tools that have been used by humanity for centuries to open up perception, attain altered states of consciousness, attain wisdom, or increase creativity. It's a deep rabbit hole!
  16. Day 41 New music: https://soundcloud.com/simon-wagner-29/tokyo-1 its an interesting one
  17. Day 40 My friends, we are who we believe we are. This is not some pretty kitchen quote, this is the simple, and sometimes ugly, truth. After my second AL-LAD trip, I did some deep inner work and discovered a total of 5 negative core assumptions (negative beliefs) about myself sitting there and causing trouble. I worked through them effectively, and I think I have dropped them. I felt a great joy and freedom afterwards. The next day in Uni, my communication with people was drastically more open, free, and easy. Hmm, what to write? My week is fucking BUSY. I have 1000 things to do. I have a lot of lectures. Every day is chock full. On friday I have a job interview. It's about teaching english extracurricular. To be honest, I have no clue where I'm going to fit that in. But I need some extra money. Its only halfway through October and I'm already in debt, down in the minus. Shit. For the first time in my life I'm truly learning what stress is. It's ok though, I'm completely equipped to handle all this. A walk in the park for the current Me. I went to my second yoga class today. Wow. Incredible. I don't think I've ever sweated that much. It was fantastic. It's so good for me. And then next wednesday will be my first Thai Kickboxing class. @Brad_Hurst prepare to get your ass kicked if I ever come down to fookin britain. I also took out a couple movies from the library yesterday. I started watching one, one I had always wanted to watch, and literally got half way before I realized I had actually already seen this movie. What the fuck? Early alzheimers? That was pretty funny. Waste of time too though. Hmm really not sure what else to write. Oh yeah, finally got round to producing another song today. But I just listened to it with earphones and realised I'm not happy with the sound, so I need to make some adjustments and reupload, then I'll post. Hardly anyone reads my journal but listen to the track guys!! It will be nice.
  18. Day 37 "The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt Yet another fantastic day. Today I traveled to Cologne to meet the aforementioned guy. We visited Cologne's Osho Meditation Centre and enjoyed a nice kundalini meditation there. Basically you shake and vibrate your body to some music 15 mins, then you flow and dance 15 mins, then meditate 30 mins. Afterwards we walked around, talked about personal development, I asked him about his pickup - practice. I decided it would be best to come along with him to the club next week and see how I do. I'm reluctant to enter the rabbit hole of the chimpish pickup-game and fear getting distracted, or reattaching to social validation. On the flip side, I want to improve my social skills, I want to get good with girls, I want experience with girls. It will show me the friction in my life, make stuff come up (fear, assumptions, limitations) for me to work through and break. I can learn more about myself and what I need to work on, and I can transform myself. Eventually, I can drop it again. My pursuit of consciousness however, will always have to come first. I continue my routine, investigating myself, my beliefs, my behaviours, and my feelings. Tomorrow I commence on my second psychedelic trip. This time I shall focus on not getting too distracted by the experience, and rather on meditating and inquiring. Walking through Cologne So many different persons, all wrapped up in life
  19. And bruh what you smoking, David Attenborough is THE MAN, dude is 91 and still goes out and lives his life purpose and passion, making awesome documentaries. That guy has made it. Planet Earth 1 and 2 are top notch A1 But I'm studying Biology so I'm biased.
  20. My top documentaries: Cosmos: A Space Odyssey. Brilliant 10-part documentary on science, the cosmos, and the interesting and inspiring scientists that have helped shape our world today. Polar opposite of some boring grainy science doc from the 70s that you would watch at end of term Biology class. The music, the effects, the production, it's well good. It's on Netflix.The Marathon Monks of Mt Hiei, on YouTube. Very inspiring and mind blowing documentary about an ancient order of zen monks. They run through the mountain forests for 14 hours a day, every day of the year, for 10 years. Yep, read that correctly.The Big Short actually a movie, but kind of in a clever, unique documentary style. Very entertaining, funny and insightful to what the 2008 economic crisis was and how it happened. Also starring Brad, but the famous and successful Brad. Brad Pitt. Sorry man, but it's bloody Brad Pitt what can ya do. On Netflix when I saw it.Vice Documentaries They are short and can get really interesting. Favorites: the one about Wim Hof the Iceman and the one about hallucinogenic bee honey in Nepal. Ok well actually those are pretty much the only ones I've seen so far but I know there's a ton of other interesting ones I want to watch when I get round to it: http://www.insidermonkey.com/blog/15-best-vice-documentaries-on-youtube-545617/2The Fibonacci and the Golden Mean Incredible stuff about how maths is found all around us in nature..you can find it in how a shell grows, and similarly in the shape of a galaxy, it's amazingBaraka and Samsara. Technically movies, but not really movies. No dialogue, no story, just a beatiful, mind-boggling film reel of life, culture, art and people from every corner of the world. Very beautiful and inspiring and eye opening. Must watch.Samadhi, another free youtube movie. This one goes deep into spirituality and meditation. Keep an open mind and enjoy the ride.Enjoy! Let me know what you think of them.
  21. And @Cam Adair thank you again for your work and this wonderful resource. Hope you're enjoying Portugal dude.
  22. Day 36 1. I fucking killed it today. It was a rush, so much so that I can't even remember everything that happened. I'm having trouble getting to sleep at the moment but got up at my set time anyway and did my miracle morning, and got to class on time. First day in the lab, and I pair up with a new friend. He's south african like me, and we've been getting along great. We have great fun completing our assignment. Afterwards we hit the mensa. Wow, turns out this guy is doing exactly the same diet as me. Afterwards we get tea and coffee, continue talking outside. There's a lot we have in common. We speak about current affairs in south africa, and other things. It's in these engaging conversations that I feel so fucking alive. It's incredible. And he's not the only friend I've made. Wow, I just remembered a couple weeks ago I set myself a quest "Make a friend". Well, let's just say I Aced it, top score, and then did it again, and again. I've met some great guys. Couple of german guys, couple of international guys. Interesting people, engaging people. People I feel happy with, comfortable with. People I've shared laughs with, who I've already given value to, and have already given value to me. Wow. This is genuinely incredible. I've already met more interesting people than in my entire school life. Why? Because I firmly believe that my current consciousness, and attitude, allows me to find them. And I've also shared more of myself already than I ever did in school. I've shared my passions, I've told people about my passion in personal development, showed them the music I have produced. I've shared myself, and it feels great. Talking with one guy, we stumbled onto the topic of sex, and I mentioned that I had never had sex (yet). Wtf? Never done that before. And it just came easily. No big fucking deal. 2. The thing is, we keep all these secrets about ourselves. Bottle them down, and try to keep them hidden. That's where they cause problems. We hate them, we feel ashamed, we feel like a failure. And no one must know! Yet they creep up regardless, influencing our behaviours, moods, influencing the entire fabric of our reality. But there's an alternative. We can open ourselves up and share them. This is precisely what our ego does not want, it fears judgement, it fears exclusion, it even fears death. But paradoxically, upon sharing, upon being absolutely transparent and honest, the problem vanishes. Like Tyrion Lannister said, turn your shames into your armour, and no one can ever hurt you with it. It's out there, no one can take it, because you gave it. Now you can relax and be happy with your integrity flourishing and boom, GENUINE SELF WORTH. And that's not all. It turns out we're not the only ones with problems, and insecurities, and doubts. Everyone fucking has them. Really, it's true! We just don't always share it. We keep the ugly secrets bolted down, all out of sight. Sharing them puts them in a new light. Suddenly they're not quite so ugly anymore. 3. Returning to my day, little detour there, but after we went our ways, I decided to give my man @Brad_Hurst a call. I really enjoyed speaking to you mate and it was probably the highlight of my day. Just randomly calling someone for no particular reason was something I had never done before, but it felt so right, and natural. What the fuck? Gonna do that kind of thing more often, just check in with people, get out of my head, strike up a fkin conversation even if there's no immediate need or reason for it. Having the conversation in of itself is the reason. 4. I got home, took care of some stuff, and got to reading. (Reading is a new X-Effect habit I'm setting up. 30mins a day). After dinner (bomb ass curry yo), just for good measure, I went and introduced myself to some of the other people living in this house, well I said I would do it but I was pretty exhausted from the day and really didn't feel like it anymore. But I said I would do it, so I did it. The first was a guy my age who I had received a post package for while he was away, so I started there. "hi how are you, wanna hang out and get to know eachother?" It was hard but I went through with it. Unfortunately he said he was going out, but seemed open to the idea so I told him another time, and I would come again Sunday. I went to the girl in the neighboring apartment next. I showed her my apartment, and we chatted for a bit. She was nice. Then I went to a guy 2 floors up who had been kind enough to let me use his washing machine when I had been knocking on doors asking to lend one a week ago. He wasn't there. But hey, I knocked. Lastly I tried the other guy neighboring me. Dude, shirtless, blunt in hand, opens up and I get the dankest whiff of weed with strobe lights and rap in the background. Introduced myself like a baws, unfortunately he didn't really give a shit, was like "Yeah ok cool", and shut the door. And so what? That's totally fine too. The outcome doesn't fucking matter. Shame though, would be nice to have a dealer literally next door. Ah well. Tomorrow, I'm traveling to Cologne to spend the day with another guy who had reached out to me online from a different forum, also personal development oriented. We already spoke on the phone and resonated too. So I'm excited about that. I really feel like it's happening, my life is becoming incredible, it's what I've been visualising, and working at, the last 2 years. I'm eternally grateful. Now I just need to make sure I don't sabotage myself. I got the sense I was holding myself back, with limiting beliefs like "I'm not worthy". I'm going to do further investigation on these. Peace!
  23. Day 35 @WorkInProgress You are right of course. I must meditate on this. Had a late, turmultous night yesterday and slept in this morning, missing a lecture. Got my miracle morning done regardless and had a good day the rest of the day. Got a lot done, and I'm running quite early. Some subtle uneasiness, self-consciousness and jumpiness this afternoon, but I had drunk a lot of coffee. I can definitely feel some homeostasis and lack of focus, so I shall continue to be vigilant and double down on my routine. Goals for tomorrow: produce a new track
  24. Day 33 I haven't posted the last few days because well, firstly I was really busy, but really I just didn't know what to write. I haven't felt like journaling. I am doing great though. My routine is strong. My habit board is filling up. I will take a picture and post it tomorrow. The biggest "problem" I'm facing is really fitting everything in. There's so much I want to do now: runningmeditationlectures, and self-revisingreadinginner workmusic production and eventually piano practicejoin a chess clubjoin a kickboxing clubyoga classgoing out and socialisingAnd I want to go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am. But at the same time I need to go out to bars and socialize. I decided I would make an X Effect Board for going to bed at 10PM, if I go to bed at 10pm I get a cross, but if I go to a social event instead I get a circle. Sunday was a big day. I went on my first psychedelic trip. The substance was 225mcg of AL-LAD, an analogue of LSD. I have a proper trip report on paper, but I won't put it all down here. The main takeaways, watered down and compressed, were: I have been repressing the horny, sexual, animalistic aspect of myself. During the trip, a massive amount of sexual energy arose. Extreme arousal. I realized I'm a guy and I want sex. The past 6 months I haven't given a shit about sex or any of that. It's been so unimportant. But the drug showed me I definitely do desire it, and I want to improve in the sex and relationship part of life. I'm still level 1 there. It's lagging behind hard. There are two forces: the force pulling me toward growth, and higher consciousness, and the animalistic force pulling me down towards safety. Where the two opposing forces contract from, friction and energy arises, manifesting usually as anxiety. I have a lot of fear around sex, with some bad experiences ("failures") in the past. But I went through a worst-case scenario in vivid detail and it wasn't bad at all.I have huge value to give to the world. I started listening to my latest track, hollow, and realized it was perfect. I had created something fantastic. I have so much creativity and skills inside me. As a child I was so skilled and creative. All of this got beaten under during school and gaming, but it's still there. I just have to start honing it, cultivating it, and putting it to good use. I want to be am amazing artist, and leave incredible pieces of art on this Earth.Reality is so incredibly complex and beautiful, but this beauty usually goes unseen when consciousness is low and closed up to it. This journey is about opening up consciousness to be more receptive to the beauty prevalent throughout all of life.Practical steps to integrate what was learned: Continue to hone and cultivate my creative skills. Continue music production.Join an organisation. I want to help people. While traveling through Cambodia, and visited S-21 and the Killing Fields and saw the remains and pictures of all the people locked up, tortured and killed there by the Khmer Rouge regime. While traveling through Indonesia, I climbed volcanoes and spoke to the sulphur miners to trek up and down the volcanoes 2-4 times a day, inhaling the fumes and carrying packs weighing up to 80kgs. Every single fucking day. Just for a wage of 5euros a day to survive and provide for their families. Incredibly humbling. I want to honour these people by helping to alleviate the suffering currently in the world.Speak to more girls. Meet more girls.So today, walking into the lecture hall I didn't join my friend, but went straight to the middle row and introduced myself to the girls sitting there. Talked with them for a bit but didn't take it further than that. Like I've said before, I have no trouble talking on a superficial level but little experience bringing it deeper. That's what I need to work on. Going to yoga later today. Crack, buzz, ripple, heat warm glow, vibratory flow such is energy
  25. For the most effective way to eliminiate sugar and cravings, I highly encourage you to check out something called the Ketogenic Diet. The fundamentals are that this diet forces your body to shift into the metabolic state of ketosis, in which is burns fat for energy instead of carbohydrates/sugars. This is done by restricting your carbohydrate intake and eating around 70%fat, 25% protein which forces your body to burn fat instead. Lot's of veggies and fats. The only thing is that it takes a few weeks for your body to adapt to this diet, build new infrastructure to optimally burn fat. Eliminating carb intake will leave you quite fatigued for some time, but once adapted most Ketoers report higher energy and cognitive capabilities than before. Most people do this diet for weight loss. It is the most effective weight loss diet. Other benefits are numerous and researched, but the by far biggest benefit for me when I did it, was that it completely eliminated sugar cravings. How does this happen? Well, ketosis, when it gets going, feels great. You feel satisfied, energetic, and focused. Ingesting too many carbs would break this ketosis once your body sees that sugar is coming in again. Ketosis would break, you would lose that great feeling, probably feel bloated and crap, and it would take a few days to get back into ketosis. So once you're in it, there are serious consequences for eating badly. So you don't want to. If you're craving sugar, and on a normal diet, then the consequences aren't big enough for you. "Yeah, I want to be healthy, and I'm gonna be healthy, but this bit of chocolate won't hurt" is so vague and shaky. On ketosis, there's none of that. Be 100% clean or face the consequences. Secondly, your body is so nourished and satisfied from all the fat that you don't feel like anything else anyway. I used to crave snacks big time, on keto I just coasted through the whole day after a big breakfast easy, no need for further food. I even mountaineered with tons of energy with pretty much nothing while my dad was constantly needing bread and fruit to keep going. I'm not even doing it anymore, because having a bowl of fruit in the morning suits my lifestyle better, although my evening meal is still always keto, carbs tend to make me bloated and tired. But since keto, and even after coming off it...0 cravings for sugar, 0 cravings for wheat, I've remained 100% clean, no sugar, just vegetables, nuts, cheese, fruits. And it's been fucking amazing. Give it a shot bro you won"t regret it. Changed my life.
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