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Everything posted by thehondasc00py

  1. Nah man sounds like the opposite of pretentious, sounds like you're developing a vision and have an impact to make! Damn that building looks like straight outta Inception Gotta say I'm a simple guy, I enjoy a simple, traditional look and practicality first - if I recall correctly from school - you call it form follows function? I love interior design though. If you're gonna live there, might as well make it amazing
  2. Wow, I feel so much love right now. No problem man. And what a place this has become. How you have actualized your vision from all those years ago and created this wonderful space excites and inspires me again and again. To the future?
  3. @BigOlBeartic BigOlBeartic after his gaming detox
  4. Media Day 6 Tremendous. I'm great. Great energy, great focus. A lot of flow and effortlessness. Excitement, drive and passion for life returned. Those shitty days may have been some mental and emotional purging of a sort. Mind goes silent a lot now, disidentified from thoughts, and a kind of playful, free nature. Some old stuff got thrown out. My motivation has shifted: I no longer do this or anything because I need to, but because I want to. Nevertheless I won't attach to this. Everything passes and I'll keep doing my best to let go of everything that passes, good and bad, and surrender to every new thing that arises, good and bad. Bars
  5. I'll definitely be following along with the world's next Frank Wright. I'm interested, if you had to pick, what's your nr. 1 favorite building of all time? And have you visited the Vatican?
  6. I'll definitely be following along with the world's next Frank Wright. I'm interested, if you had to pick, what's your nr. 1 favorite building of all time? And have you visited the Vatican?
  7. I appreciate you for being self-honest like that. Good luck! (Luck isn't needed)
  8. @Joba That's great to hear man. It sounds like you freed yourself of it and are ready to stark kicking again, wiser than ever. Often simply observing the mind and it's antics opens you up to a greater freedom. Which is not to say new cravings and rationalisations won't return from time to time that's just something we all have to deal with I had them just 3 days ago. I want to get something off my chest too, an amusing anecdote. I was just lying in bed, and thinking back to this thread, I got pretty triggered all of a sudden reflecting on how you had acknowledged Cam's comment but not mine. I whipped out my phone and came here to express this (I recently went to a workshop about radical honesty and always expressing what you feel&think), only to find that you had now replied. Nothing in my actual reality changed, but as soon as the mind saw some new letters on a screen, a new reality was constructed, a new narrative was constructed (oh good, he DOES appreciate me) and my emotional state flipped like a switch. Even though they are just that: constructions, nothing objectively true or real about them, and yet they create emotions that absolutely feel real. Same goes for cravings. The mind is a funny, and tricky, thing
  9. Goddamn you've really developed some game while I was gone I enjoyed reading your nekkid beach report. Happy for you bruh. Although I hope you'll forgive me when I say that last-minute giving up in her dorm does sound like classic self-sabotage to me. I want to encourage you to keep pushing it and really go for the sex after a night in the club! I know the feel of just wanting to dance because it's so much fun but once it becomes your new comfort zone, you may be distracting/procrastinating from the next, difficult thing (sex)....that's how it is with me atleast. Keep crushing it
  10. Day 4 At Brad's behest I have just read through my entire (online) journal, I have private paper entries I'll read through tomorrow, it's getting late af. Interesting. I can definitiely see a clear maturation as the months have passed. At the beginning my writing was very high energy, but also a little too ecstatic, almost try-hardy, peacocky, maybe a little insecure. Now it seems more grounded, sober, real. Atleast that's my interpretation. There were highs and lows already back then. Probably always will be. Obviously I have grown - which is quite difficult to observe in the present moment but journals make it very clear - but what got at me those past few days was the overlying meta-observation: I have grown, but so what? Here I am, and nothing has really changed. Atleast it seems that way. Drop one problem, create another. Feel confident, then feel anxious again. Detach from validation, still style your hair in the morning and stress about the colour of your shirt. Like an endlessly repeating dream. Meditate 50 hours, so what? Life is life. I just have not been out living as much as I want to. I want to go out and fuck shit up again, do some crazy things. I'm 20, jesus. Who cares about suffering and getting rid of it. In the end, it will have been about going out and pursuing the things you were interested in, mastering something, creating something, doing something that's in itself worth doing. That's not sitting inside my apartment gaming, that's for sure. Yeah, I won't be buying a PS4. I got close today. Very close. But alas, I saw the light. If it was just 1-2 hours of a pretty game to kick back and enjoy in the evening, sure, why not? Relaxing, inspiring, enjoyable, passion. But unfortunately, it's not just that. It's the pain of having to stop myself after 2 hours when I might really want to carry on and the energy and discipline that requires. It's getting up and possibly wanting to go straight to gaming on a free day instead of completing tasks, morning meditation, morning run etc. It's consuming content other people have created instead of working at developing my own skill to create something of my own down the future. It's overstimulating my dopamine system. It's too much reward for too little work. It entails internet browsing. It takes my mind off the other things important to me. It's a distraction. It's an old habbit pattern, it's a past self. I need to be mindful of my mind the next days as cravings may well return and my opinion change. In that case I should do well to return here and reread this entry (and my entry for Day 93, which is still, if I might say, fucking amazing). Otherwise, I am feeling fantastic, I have been feeling fantastic throughout the whole day (not that I really give a shit if I feel fantastic or not now, either way I'll just surrender to it and carry on). I'm continuing this journey of self-development and self-discovery not because I NEED to, because no, I DON'T need to, nor do I need to be anyone or any way, it really doesn't matter, but I am continuing...because do I have anything better to do? No, I don't have anything better to do. So I might as well, why not? Also, I want to become very skilled at drawing, and I want to start going out again. And cheers for the pop in Brad, really appreciate it. Fuck it, for old time's sake, I'll bust out a haiku lol sleek black chrome laptop spit bars like chop chop skkrrraa, that's a dead cop I feel really bad for writing that one and it's not even a haiku but there's no takebacks around here i dont hate cops
  11. I want to try single-player gaming in moderation. Oh snap, did I just say it? It's because I'm done endlessly struggling for nothing, done searching. I found what I wanted. I'm fine with who I am. I don't need to be anyone else. Of course, that reeks of victimhood. Defeat. Where's the line between honest surrender and victimizing defeat? I spent most of the day listening to a game OST - its the Horizon Zero Dawn soundtrack, never played the game but very beautiful OST. This evening I checked cheap PS4s on eBay. Oh dear. This sounds real dodgy indeed, I know. I'm gonna sleep on it, read a lot of relapse reports and consider it real carefully. Is this just a trap? Maybe. Probably. But singleplayer games, just a cheap resellable PS4, no wifi, a small laptop monitor...one or two hours every evening...it could work. I've never given singleplayer moderation serious shot. If it fails, well I can resell the PS4, come back here and admit it doesn't work. Lalalala something something justifications.. Interestingly, I'm not running away from anything. There's no suffering in my life, no urgent needs, no tasks, no major stresses. But, it feels like there's nothing as a whole. Maybe that's a form of suffering. Maybe it's mediocrity of my own doing, my own inaction, that I'm running away from. Spice up my - at the moment - boring life with emotional highs. Those beautiful fantasy worlds to draw me out of the mundane. On the 17. Feb I travel to South Africa for 5 weeks. Is it even worth starting now? Will I become addicted and not want to visit SA in that time? Will I lose even more motivation for my other activies? I meditated for like 5 hours today, just because I had nothing better to do. Just listened to that OST and it was really beautiful. It made life worth living. Dangerous, those OSTs. I have nagging uneasiness now, yeah. It's probably a bad idea, it probably is. In less than 4 weeks South Africa, after that my whole life abruptly changes again, I get rid of my apartment, have to sell all my stuff, and find somewhere else to live and something else to do. The opportunity to game during all that..seems like a stupid idea. Still, an easily resellable PS4 sounds tempting.."just 2 or 3 games I want to play through"..hmm... Fuck it, I'll sleep on it. Maybe I'll have regained my senses tomorrow. I'm not counting on it though. I wait until atleast Monday evening to decide.
  12. @-n.g- Hey man thanks for all that info. I've already started applying. If I have any further questions I'll hit you up per pm to avoid hijacking Kiki's thread Infact, I want to show you my portfolio..
  13. Media Day 2 Figured I would start journalling daily again. To be honest, I don't think I'm motivated enough for this media detox. I just don't give a shit. I don't mind, I'm not so caught up in self-transformation or self-development anymore. Take that as you will. A prior me would definitely read justification and rationalisation into it. Now, I'm not so sure. Being caught up so much in a Self, and becoming a better Self, just seems like a fool's errand now. I don't know what I want anymore. I feel pretty - not lost - but...not seeking. I feel like I should have a Vision, but I don't anymore. Radical honesty Workshop taught me to change all "Need to's" and "Shoulds" into "Wants". Do I want a Vision? I dont know. I feel pretty find where I am now. Don't know whether to embrace presence or fight complacency. Or just completey surrender to Life right right now. I think I'll do that. It worked quite well for me the last 2 days. I tried this weird healing transmission over Zoom (like Skype) today. Sounded fishy af but was sold into it by this discord I'm on where everyone is raving about it so figured I had nothing to lose. Will continue weekly. For science. Felt good afterward. Listened to some videogame soundtracks this evening. Don't know if that bodes badly and signals the start of relapse road. Don;t care. It's the little things in life, like that rush of love and connection and passion when listening to that one amazing piece, that little slice of life, being drawn out of the Known and Mundane for just a few minutes, that makes life worth living. Considered picking up some more shrooms, I feel like I need another trip, a reminder of the truth, a breath of fresh air, returning home. Didn't feel like it. Maybe I still will. These peeps that do these transmissions say no drugs, and I'm willing to give it an honest to god shot, why the fuck not. Have not been Gaming (pickup/socialising) since weeks now. I need to - no, shit, I mean - I WANT to get out again. take my mind off things, let the body move and the ego talk. Have some fun and let loose. Flex those socialising muscles again before they atrophy. I want to go out tomorrow but know that when the time comes I won't feel like it. I would feel like it more if I had some actual friends to go out with but alas, I've become a hermit. Might go out and make some new friends but unsure if it's worth it with me leaving soon. And Gaming alone is tough af. Not enough motivation to do it alone. Shit, where'd my drive go again. It's like a cheeky dog that keeps running away. Just read a private entry to myself where i described my Vision and, well, that Simon, while perhaps a bit more naive than this Simon now, shit he was full of drive and passion and excitement for life. That was 19.12. One month ago. I don;t know what the fuks been happening this last month. Weird shit. What happened? Where did the drive and excitement go? "Dude, there’s so much to be excited for. Now and later. All doors could be open, this whole world could be my playground. I could do whatever I want, manifest whatever I want. I could do great things. I can become extremely good at Game, I could break my limitations and transcend my identity entirely. I could be taking home beautiful women every single day. I could be relating with people every single day. I could have sex whenever I want, and just chill and be happy and free whenever I want. Nothing would have to trouble me. I can become an incredible artist. With infinite intelligence and creativity at my fingertips, I could be expressing my artistic passion and making amazing stuff every day. I could be working as a concept artist for a passionate game or art company or whatever, getting better every single day. I could be walking foreign and magical lands. Walking along the bustling streets of india, hiking the empty mountains of Nepal, breathing the spiritual incense of an ashram, sitting at zen pools in japan. The world is wide open. Theres so much beauty and passion and wonder. Life is CRAZY, enlightenment is CRAZY. Its sooo crazy but awesome. But I need to keep going!!! Already now its pretty awesome. Game is fun, im starting to see results. Meditation is amazing, drawing is fantastic, I feel great 99% of the time. I’m becoming more and more empty. I see the ego move. I allow it. Its awesome. My ego is capable and competent. I feel more and more Love. Keep at it!!!" Yeh, dude was definitely excited. Shit, I just can;t relate to any of this anymore. Perhaps I just need to push through and come out with less bullshit the other side, sun shining, energy flowing, and I'll feel it again, stronger. Unadulterated passion for life, exquisite beauty, unlimited potential, boundless energy, disciplined drive. Maybe, maybe. Right now, I just keep trudging on, and do my best to let whatever arises arise, and surrender fully to Life and whatever it throws at me.
  14. Media Day 1 Oh dear, oh dear. What a week it's been. What a week. I don't know where to start. I want to talk less about the content, more about what I felt. I went to a radical honesty workshop over the weekend. It was fantastic. It showed me a new way of living life and relating to people. I opened up about some stuff. Told a room full of people about my virginity, and my fears, did some public speaking. Also some paired exercises where we had to express our wants to the other person and have them do things for us was very interesting. Cryptos crashed. I lost 2000Euros. I had some anger attacks. Very angry at myself for not selling sooner, losing all that hard earned money I had already made so many plans with. Riddled with anxiety by wanting to pull out and save what was left for travels, but not wanting to sell while low either. It's started crawling up now but might double dip. I pulled half out. Will wait. Accept my blunder. Learn. Shit happens. I forget how fucking much I still have to be grateful for. But I still wake up feeling sick at how much money (for me) I lost, and how much I could have MADE by selling then rebuying, if I had predicted the market better, done more research. Lol, I got burnt. Death. Fear of death came and went. Found out all those fried almonds I had been eating every day for months contain possible carcinogenics when fried. Fear of cancer and dying early arose. Mainly fear of death not because of death itself, I accept that. Death is ok. This week, I've even relished at the thought of sweet relief. The end of this contrived story, this contraction, all this bullshit. But also fear, because I have shit to do. So much to do and see. I visualised death, and the tragedy was not me dying, but the dreams I had that would go unrealized. My unfinished business. The time I wasted. No, I accept death totally. Some spiritual inquiry and psychedelic-induced ego deaths help with that, lol. Im not my thoughts, not my body, not my eyes or ears or senses, not my emotions, not my roles, or my story, or anything experienced. Only that dies. The content. The phenomena, the ideas. It's the end of all this. In of itself, fine. But shit, I still have stuff to do. I want more time. I won't accept any bullshit cancer until I say so. Stress. So much bullshit and shit to do. It's been grinding me away. I feel weak and stressed, and insecure. Now I'm spinning narratives about it. Boohoo, poor me right. I got tired of all this bullshit in this comfort civilisation. Man, I just want to get away from all this crap and have nothing to worry about but my own base survival. SURVIVAL SURVIVAL. We've grown so detached from it. We have all the food, no physical danger, it's all easy, it's just consumption and gluttony, there's no risk, no conflict, no violence, no necessity, nothing. All that unused energy transfers into new hardships, new worries, new suffering. Now it's addictions and anxiety and all that jazz. I watch Planet Earth and see the huge, intricate web of Nature, it's sheer complexity, and interwoven beauty, and it's individuals simply SURVIVING, BEING. I fantasise about being in some action film, like a martial arts action film, master of my body, master of the arts, and people are coming at me from all sides trying to kill me, and all I can worry about is to SURVIVE and live another day. Mind off, body on. Flow. Purpose. Drive. No other bullshit. No stories, no fakery. Just pure movement, being, survival. Or in the army, or something. Or some Bear Grylls shit. Ma man. I got nihilistic. Sick of all the worrying, and stories, and shit. Personal development is a sham. No matter how good of a Self I become, I remain a Self, and find new ways to suffer, new things to need, new things to be scared of. The content changes, the substance does not. Even the desire to escape suffering itself is a sham. It doesn't matter. Suffering or no suffering, what's the fucking difference? I don't want to be a pussy running away from suffering. Fuck that, I want to run into suffering. I want to feel shit, I want to survive, fight, struggle, fuck it, in the end it's just a dualistic distinction, it's a sham, trying to escape suffering. Fuck that. Seems like a pussy move. I want to man up. Suffer if I must, die if I must, but suffer well and go out with a fucking bang. Yep, I became nihilistic as fuck. But spiritual lovey-dovey ponies and rainbows and oneness and love is a sham too. I got into a hostile confrontation with a neighbour who demanded money I apparantly owed him over a misunderstanding. Realised, in such situations and worse, when things get ugly, shit gets real, then all the mindfulness, or spiritual love, won't count for SHIT. All your spiritual insights, all your meditation, that shit gets forgotten. Adrenaline rushes, mind turns off, body turns on. Then you see who you really are. Where you're really at. What you're really capable of. It opened my eyes a bit. It felt good, it felt real. Mind off, body on, I want to tap into that more. I want that feeling of survival, of Zen-like no-mind body being. Yeah, I got nihilistic. Felt anger, felt shit, felt pointlessness. So I watched a couple movies. Action, martial arts movies. About highly disciplined, focussed, masters of movement, masters of body. Fighting for their very life. Man, I was so drawn to that all of a sudden. Next day I watched a show the whole day. Gave me no value, afterwards, boom. Rock bottom, a shitload of suffering lol, I let it wash over me and purify me. I saw the futility of it, of entertainment, of distraction. Damn. Life is hard but atleast it's something. Hard, easy, who cares? I want to say fuck easy, fuck comforts, but damn, it's tough, living here surrounded by all the temptations. I embrace my humanness, but at the same time I want to say fuck it. God damn. I feel great. I want to keep going. I've learnt, the only way out is THROUGH. Actually, fuck going out at all, go IN. I'm going balls in, man. Whatever it is, even the most mundane, better go balls in or go home, homie. That's what I say.
  15. Hi Joba Yes, this sort of thing has happened many times with me. Not yet with games, but with shows/other visual media. All thoughts are fundamentally untrue, notice this. They need to be questioned constantly, and this is really difficult. What I'm trying to do at the moment is notice when a thought arises to tempt me back, and note it "no, this is a lie. This will not complete me, this will not fulfill me, this will not heal any suffering" I don't know how it will work out. Just what I'm implementing into my life at the moment. Second thing is forgiveness. We're only human. That's a beautiful thing in itself, being a flawed, imperfect human. Embrace your humanness. Now to the practicalities though. I don't know how it is with you, but when it has happened to me, I'm sorry to say but yes, the floodgates did open to an extent. Even when I was certain my little phase was over and I was back on track, the next day...well, I got seduced again. It's painful. You play games/watch shows because it "works". It gives you emotional highs, distracts from hardship and responsibilities, and is very fun and stimulating. Once my system was "reminded" of this, it was tricky to stop again. The interesting thing is, every time it happened to me, the first day actually always ended on a high note. It was really fun, I enjoyed it, or that one particular movie DID give me some value, and I went to bed feeling refreshed and reenergized, with no regrets. "That was fine, that was fun. Ok, back to work tomorrow." I didn't go back to work tomorrow. I theorize that, because no real consequences were felt, only the emotional high, the joy, the system thinks "well fuck it, why not again"? And so it went on until there was really no more joy to be felt, only suffering and shame. Welp. Now, acceptance and forgiveness, embracing the rock bottom, and only then, after I had really experientially realised, again, the futility of it, the consequences, was I ready to move on again. Still, it hurts. Now there was suffering I would have liked to distract from. Here the rubber hit the road. I saw it as "cutting off a diseased limb before it spreads". You gotta cut it off, but it's gonna hurt, and then you need to let the system bleed out. Cravings and thoughts arose and I needed to let them come and bleed out but no longer act on them, until a few days later where it subsided and all was back to normal. Atleast that was my experience. Hope it's of value to you.
  16. I have not signed up to any schools/universities yet And hope Kiki is doing alright.
  17. Media Day 5 Some backlash and cravings today. Felt like shit this morning but recovered after some Osho Dynamic Meditation. At lunch thought of renting out a movie. Snapped out of it now. Have some stuff planned for later. Investments are eating up a lot of my attention, I need to cut down on price checking etc again. Damn market been down for days and I'm eagerly waiting for it to go back up.
  18. Yoooo there, I also have scoliosis, and I've also picked up drawing, I'm going to study visual/graphic/game design in october, not sure exactlu what yet. Got any advice for me? Why did you quit art school? Btw have you seen Kiki's Delivery Service haha love that movie
  19. Wrote up a new Vision for who I want to become next: Simon 3.0 (I am currently 2.0) sattvic, minimalist lifestyle maintains disidentification and right perspective from and over experience -disidentified from thoughts -disidentified from emotions -conscious of awareness as a holistic experience completely free from indulging in visual media -prefers presence, stillness, awakeness over entertainment -detached from emotional highs, detached from past story -finds safety and joy in useful activities -cravings and thoughts are not believed or given major importance completely open and surrendered to life and death: life not resisted, death not feared skilled and dedicated at drawing has sex loves and appreciates all of life, all of experience, even the negative and uncomfortable. Holistic, seamless experience. Dropping of labels. Conscious of Story and Narratives Accepts life as HARD, embraces hardship, embraces pain Strategy for transformation: minimalizing (dropping the unnecessary and not-useful), visualisation, self inquiry, taking action, taking action, taking action
  20. I'm back. Kickstarting my journal back up again because I want to do another media detox and I have a shitload of stuff to get done in the upcoming month. For the record, gamefree counter is at 121 days. Today: Media Detox Day 1 Media: All visual entertainment: movies, shows, anime. Exceptions: Planet Earth, Travel or Eastern Spirituality documentaries. Goal: 30 Days. What I need to get done: Uni work, misc. projects (V6, lab report, comp. science 7+8, comp. sc 5) work through old exams and general study research, choose and sign up for new program for fall 2018 plan SA trip plan India sabbatical terminate apartment, sell furniture or rent storage, transport I'm gonna need coffee. Lots of it.
  21. You take full responsibility for your own life, and sell the console.
  22. Minimalize. To, with dedication and courage, cut out all that is not useful, both in my activities and Self, for the purpose of freeing up energy and relating with the world in a more intimate, authentic way. I wish I could pick more words But that wouldn't be very minimal.
  23. Media(II): Day 3 This second media detox is proving to be quite a tough fucker. I picked up drawing. Replacing music production with it. I'm working through an online course. I love it. Have not been studying. Need to start studying again. I keep letting it slide. Cashed out my initial crypto investment, 220Euro, which means I'm sorted for the month. Left my profits, 330$ dollars in, diversified amongst a bunch of cryptos I believe in, and that's where it will stay. Active investing was faaar too distracting, I'm just leaving this in and let it rise. Checked today and it's already 390$. Ez. Started planning my trip to South Africa in February. I got accepted onto a 10-day meditation retreat. That's gonna be great. I want to do a lot of Game while I'm there too.
  24. Gaming: Day 97 Media(II): Day 1 Wow, what a shitty morning. Woke up at 12 to discover my new alarm had not woken me up..I set it to this nice jungle and birdsong sounds and it just straight up didn't wake me up lol..so missed 2 classes of maths. Then it got even shittier when I checked my portfolio and saw that all my litecoin had fallen back down. Fuck. Skipped meditation and made myself some food. Fuck it though, I'm gonna do some shit now and go out to Game later.