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sephinea

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  1. Thank you everyone. But perhaps one big issue is, how do I deal with the fact that I don't wanna give up? I remember the pain of self-denial for the first cooling off months if you will. I suppose I'm not ready to feel that again. Besides, when I started playing again, it made me realise how comparatively bleak my life had been until now. Idk.
  2. The emoji in the title sums up my situation right now perfectly. Hi guys. I have been here before, yet I relapsed. My name's Valerie and I'm 18. I live in Britain, Hampshire. Basically when I first quit, I replaced my laptop with a Chromebook and I immersed myself in the helpful tips from this community and from Cam in particular. I did this particularly because I was a likely candidate for Oxford, so I decided to quit gaming to focus all of my efforts on getting in. So I got the offer from them, studied hard, pretty much forgot about gaming, rediscovered a love for reading and for writing, had my exams and, although I didn't yet get the results, I have an inkling I did well enough. I will begin studying English Literature at Oxford this October, and I hope to become an author in the future. That said, I recently started my summer holiday. A long one, too. From 17 June to 1 October. I have been keeping up pretty well, reading about 5 or so books since the holiday started... But I'm relapsing. Well, at this point, I relapsed. Way before my holiday, I met a guy whom I now adore and we are in a pretty good relationship. 'Problem' is, he's a gamer. I wouldn't want to give him up, but he's an Overwatch scrub and I go over to him rather often. Whenever I came over, I would play Heroes of the Storm and League of Legends on his computer-- yet at first, as some of you (or all of you? not sure how common this is) can relate, you see the game for what it is: uninteresting, toxic, and boring repetition. Frustrating. Just not worth your time. But every additional match makes you like it more for whatever fucking reason. And then eventually you're in. So I asked my boyfriend (he works in IT) if he could please fix my previous laptop (since it breaking was another motivating factor to quit). He did this Saturday. And basically I have been playing League non-stop. My problem right now is that I am divided in a way that I don't remember ever being. Emotionally, I want to play. When the night falls and I have nothing to do, I get excited just thinking about playing. But rationally, I know it's a bad idea. I have so much I want to read. I want my life to go in such a different direction. Yet I am not sure I have the willpower to stop. I feel like a drug addict who went clean and then suddenly got a taste for their fave drug again. Like even though I played obsessively only one day, it felt like it tapped into such a deep network, such a well-entrenched past. It's almost like that past never went away, but I merely dusted it off. I nearly cried yesterday at the prospect of losing control again, at having my mind go foggy again 24/7 except when I'm gaming, at being consumed again by this division between my emotional craving for gaming and my rational, guilt-stricken side that wants to do good by me. I guess this post is a call for help. Part of me just wants to play. I really don't want to be here in a way. This is the rational me reaching out. But I just feel so cheated out by not indulging. Yeah um. Please help.
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