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Posts posted by destoroyah

  1. You know, I've lost many "friends" myself, recounting them has frequently filled me with happiness. The girl you write about fills me with anger and would be a candidate for that list any day:

    [...]she was purposefully trying to push me out of life because I did something that angered her, and she wouldn't tell me what it was. 

     What good is friendship – or a relationship, if you don't have honesty and clarity? How the fuck are you supposed to know what is "wrong" and "right" if there are no words said?

    A person like that can stay the fuck away from me, gladly, any day. When I raise the window blinds in my room in the morning, I always think about a person that I am glad not to miss. It soothes my heart, knowing that I am not playing emotional roulette being around them.


    I've left the metaphorical door slightly cracked for her if she is willing to see how absurd this is, but either way I'm moving on with my life so I don't get hurt like that again. I definitely need to learn the paradox between compassion and emotional detachment.

    Oh, open doors are dangerous. I would tell her that she's stupid. It would be expected of me. I don't ever want to bottle up again. I've bemoaned loss often enough to know that there is usually no way back with idiots, interestingly telling them off usually helps the relationship. But mind – my advice should only be used to triangulate normality!!

    Surely you don't want to get hurt like that again, the thing is... not to avoid getting hurt, but to act right when you are hurt. Avoiding the pain beforehand might turn you stiff and unemotional. You will turn cold and lonely. Getting hurt ain't so bad, but don't go on drinking or hiding in someway now. Embrace it, feel it to the end, short and acutely. Let out what needs to get out. If it's too sick, unreasoned or perverted – pursue an art. Writing is fine, but sometimes words are too precise and you need colors, melodies or a broken knuckle as camouflage for your inner ugliness. Be self aware though, because if you aren't, you are just hiding again.

    Pen and Paper roleplay could actually very well be that art, you might be able to conjure those emotions out of yourself by taking the role of a character. Exaggerated emotions and reasonless violence in fantasy can be a great medium to rid yourself from hidden feelings. I've managed to discover new strengths in character by doing P&P, you can practice being "convincing", "hurt", "frightening" and all these things on safe ground without serious consequence. In real life you only have one chance, and usually we fuck it up because we rarely practice. Theater is also good for this.


    It was really fun reading your journal though, even if that romance turned into shit – you're going to gain from it either way, embrace it. I wish you well!

  2. @Pierce Science fiction. Hah, read Stanislav Lem "The Invincible"? Of the 3 books I read in my life, it must be one of my favorites. Oh and I still need to read Neuromancer, but the language is so whack and difficult to get into! I was always more of a science fiction guy, and I've always despised the concept of "magic" in literature.


    ENTRY #37 - DAY XX:

    So I finally had the courage to tell my dad that I fucked up this semester. He was sort of disappointed but not mad, I guess he's used to it by now. This means I won't be doing 6 months, but 12 more of uni, I can't stand it anymore. But now I feel free again. It feels like last semester caught me on the wrong foot, I really don't know where I went wrong, maybe because I built a gaming PC – but honestly, I wasn't even that into it anymore. Maybe because I quit gaming, it must've DESTRUKKTED my rhythm somehow. Probably that and a million other factors I can't tell anymore, a lack of purpose and will to be.

    Listening to the first Maiden CD, still. It has a rough punky vibe to it, I really like it and it sums my mood up well. Quite youthful with a high heartbeat. Invincible, embracing the unknown. My body is developing nicely, I'm gonna wear sleeveless shirts this summer, at the very least for jogging. People complaining about my style can stay at home and watch game of thrones. Make some fanart for that and turn fat. I shit on you. My soul – or whatever I am – is free. Now that I've stopped denying my death, my failure, my destruction – the spring sun came up to greet me and cast a big shadow by me unto this world to rip some shit. I feel it isn't at the apex yet.

    I watched Demolition Man just now again, it creates the same vibe as Conan, just that the balance is shifted. It's not the Heros that are strong – but the world that is weak. Sometimes I can feel strong for that reason as a normal dude that's doing OK. Everywhere I see, I see shittiness and things or people that struck my heart with fear some months and years ago are doing quite horribly now and sucking – or I've outgrown them demons. I really don't give a fuck which one it is of the two, not like I can hang up a sign in the world saying "y'all suck". I don't get better by feeling proud and any advantage I've ever had, any greatness ever felt was temporary. So I will cherish these few breaths when it lasts and gaze at the stars in contemplation of all the forfeits I've experienced to be here.

  3. You can talk to me in German if you want, just PM me, or start in this thread.
    Kannst mich gerne auf Deutsch per PM anhauen, oder hier im thread.


    There are also more German speaking members, @Fagus and @Regular Robert are On/Off active – just the top of my head. They might check by, now that they have been mentioned.
    Oben genannte Forumsmitglieder sind ebenfalls der deutschen Sprache mächtig (u.a.). Die gucken bestimmt im Thread vorbei, jetzt wo sie erwähnt wurden.


    You can also start a German journal in the foreign language journals section. This is probably the best way to go longterm, if your problems aren't acute, as all German members can provide you feedback.
    Du kannst auch ein deutsches Tagebuch anfangen in der Forumssektion für fremdsprachige Tagebücher. Ist vermutlich langfristig die beste Lösung, wenn deine Probleme nicht akut sind, da so alle deutschen Member ihre Meinung kundtun können.

  4. ENTRY #36 - DAY 72:

    Note to self: Stop giving advice. Live examples, don't talk shit. Jealous because of the shining sun, not because of them people achieving.

    I realized that I need to stop being an idiot. AGAIN. It's this weird feeling of regret with a pinch of stupidity. And then... well even after realizing shit, you know, tomorrow the wind will blow another way, you see another horizon and you sink your ship in another riff of the same shape. You just can't help being an idiot, even if you tell yourself "don't behave like that", "don't do that" or "don't be like that" – you'll still be like that, even if you know better.

    I always got around that problem of not being able to direct the changes in my personality by telling myself "I am the sum of my experience. This world has made me into what I am, every thought I heed is an echo of things I perceived in one form or another. I am just a reflection.". It rids me of the guilt that occurs when I realize my dumbness. It grants me the ability to accept my flaws and takes away that "I must, I must, I must" urge that puts me under pressure and binds me – turns me frozen stiff in stone like by a medusa's gaze. In the end, my organism consists of more than just that inner monologue. Behavioral change is not driven by the monologue, but by a million things in a giant orchestra of chaos. By the shining sun, the food I eat and the lucky circumstance to stick my dick into a chick. The latter being a rather tasteless example, but I don't hide from my ugliness – if I undergo a behavioral change and deny a dumbass motive, that isn't going to keep me from moving in that direction and that isn't going to turn a despicable motive into a gallant one.

    To forcefully control this orchestra of factors that imbue me, to run up to each instrument player and grab their hands to play music that sounds well, is impossible. I can't be at all places in time – even if I mastered every instrument. Ruling by the sword grants no stability. Instead you need to take the role of the conductor, be appealing to the players, be aware that you are at their mercy but also that most of them have the desire to play a nice melody in order to manifest their talents in a brief moment of time. Listen to that melody and keep conducting.

    Maintain peace in my heart, look at the sky and take a deep breath. No matter what people say or think. No matter what you think they said or thought. Their minds and words are as temporary as the waves in an ocean. Surely there are big waves and your self-awareness can get capsized, but do as any captain of a small boat would, wait inside till it gets capsized again by another big wave playing in your favor.

    Every moment in life has its beauty, as does every breath you take. Even when you feel bad now, you might remember it fondly one day. You are the sum of these moments, and if you are an idiot remember that many moments will still get added to that sum and also that you aren't the one doing calculus or writing down the numbers.

    So... how to stop being an idiot? Pay attention to that heartbeat, tend it to beat slowly at all times unless you are pushing against the impossible. Only if the impossible fixes you, may you let that heart explode with full force – the impossible will surely take the whole blow without shattering, so you will not harm anyone. Maintain that slow breath, try to spend as much time in the space between heart and mind as possible, to not get capsized by their waves.

    Surely you have power to move and change, but inertia is at play, you need to place your force at different angles to get where you want to go. So it's best to keep that body in a constant rotation to grant it stability and blow in the direction you want to go. Like a spinning top.

    There. I'm a calm idiot again. Being a calm idiot is the best state I can achieve. Good!

    PS: I've really gone up in drawing and coloring old pictures, it's like videogames for me now – kind of. Still some more digging to do, but I've realized my bold shittiness is actually a feat.

  5. ENTRY #35 - DAY XX:


    This one is called "Skatan Worshipper", a coloration/collage of a picture I drew back in 2006. I robbed the sunshine at http://www.wallpaperup.com/67838/Sunset_Sky_Sunlight.html – thanks.

    Here's the description I wrote for deviantart:


    the skateboard reads: COOL, DEAF and the skeleton is wearing sunglasses, like its blind.
    An odd joke no one can understand. It's a pun at "death is blind" and "deafblindness" and being blind to death.
    I'm sure Cool Deaf will make a reappearance someday, he's really cool.


    I haven't gotten around writing my journal lately, but drawing/art – to me – is just as expressive.


    PS @Pierce I just re-watched Conan I and it was the shit!

    "Do you know what terrors lie behind these walls?"
    "Then, you go first."

    Hahaha. I also like how there's a lot of nude women and blood. That's pretty cool. What I like best though is the "superficial deepness" that is consistent throughout the whole movie.

  6.  I could complain. I could praise. They did some wrong stuff – and I forgive them for everything – but I will list it:

    • they also cornered me like @Piotr making it difficult to change my behavior.
    • they forgot me in front of the TV
    • they didn't spend much time with me – I was always a nuisance, despite being a very quiet and obedient kid
    • I wanted to box and play the drums as a kid, they wanted me to play the recorder and do judo (I hated that, and I still want to box and drum to this day, I wish they would've just let me. In the end I financed my own lessons for drumming (1000$ per year) and never had the courage to train for boxing)
    • my mom was an alcoholic – that created incredible issues and just listing those would explode the thread. As a consequence I had a lot of issues to solve after moving out, it is probably the reason I'm still not done with my bachelor at age 30 – but that shouldn't matter – I just wish she had been stronger and to justify that wish I take her situation as an example and it to my duty to never surrender
    • my dad hid from my mom's problems and turned into a workaholic – leaving me and my siblings to fix the problem (and they soon left or turned to drugs), I never fixed the problem, I just needed to live with (hiding in videogames) it because I had no authority over her, and now she's standing closely before dementia

    That all contributing to me forfeiting reality.

    Nevertheless, I don't blame them, because I know their circumstances – and they weren't easy. Our family had been a project where we all tugged thru in our own way, and I forgive them and I love them despite everything. It's now fairly stable after having collapsed, and I like the peace in its ruins. I tried not to put the blame on them – even though as a teen I sort of did – because it doesn't solve shit. I'm sure that if I ever had kids, there'd be something bad about me as a parent – even if I'd give it my all. There always is, in every family, and if there isn't – they're fakeass people.

    In the end I'm thankful for all the problems, because I have found solutions for most of them and that has granted me spirit, relentlessness, character and versatility.

    My mom could've done better, if she hadn't taken so much shit from everyone.

    To get me away from videogames... hm... I don't think that I as a kid needed more attention, rather should they have paid more attention to themselves. They never set an example that I deemed worth following, I think that's a foundation of the problem. They did things right, because they felt it should be that way, not because they actually pursued their heart. To me, it seems, they tried to do well, because it was expected. They should've lived more by heart.

    Of course I might be romanticizing it... but I know that I don't want to follow their footsteps because they are too forced. I want to find the stuff that is intrinsic to me.

  7. @Simms You're right. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes, I will be more aware of it in the future. Thanks for being part of this community and demonstrating me to grow, it's good to see my limits every now and then, and be inspired by someone that has surpassed them.

    • Came home worked out. Tried to lift 10kg each on dumbbells! Fuck my life. never trying that again.


    What kind of movement are you doing that the 10kg dumbbells are giving you trouble with? I feel like you should be able to handle the squat, stiff legged deads, lying press, and bent over rows with that weight.

    Lying flies, overhead press, lateral raise, bicep curls, lying tricep extensions, and the abdominal crunches are going to be killer at that weight. I've trained for years on and off and still really only use 5kg for flies, raises, and extensions.   You can work the overhead press and curls up, but some of those other movements just have too much physics working against you. =p

    I tried a squat but I couldn't support the weights with my hands properly and they curled inwards. Maybe bad positioning? I'll try again tonight and let you know.

    Ya bum! You can't jump in like this. Keep it simple and train with like 3-5kgs (I'm talking about using 2 dumbbells) max the first months (go for repetition). Except on bench press and flies (10kg+ ok, because here you are laying on your back and abs+back aren't that much required and chest is a very "hungry" muscle)

    It's just about form in the beginning. Just use the bars or very light weight. Use a mirror to check form.

    Bent over back stuff: Just the bars and no weight – or very very little. (You will damage yourself permanently otherwise!!)

    Squats need abs and legs trained! With short handles: leave them hanging on the sides. With big handle bar: rest it on your shoulders. Wrists can't curl in this exercise?

    (keep your back straight at all times and your abs under tension. 90° leg bent for starters – more is desirable, do more than 90° without weights only though, at first. also, shift your butt, don't let your knees go past the tip of your toes when looking from above. look ahead and keep a highly masculine facial expression. Training without a shirt also helps, so does thrash metal and queer pants. Refer to sexy German model)


    Also wrists are a big problem in handling heavy weights. Be careful and maybe get wristwraps. Do stupid pushups and shit.

    No heavy weights. Max repetition the first few months. Also you are only 17? Your body is not ready yet for stupid heavy lifting. Train core stuff. Pushups and situps, planks, squats – some girly yoga stretching. you can't have done enough yet!! I trained like 6 months (daily jogging at 2,5-5km and abs/back + stretching) before I even touched a dumbbell (I was very slow and careful, yea, but I know what I'm talking about. I started at age 27 and had never done sports before, besides school)


  8. There is no winner in compromise, but it's so exhausting. I hate it.

    I know a day on YouTube sucks, but I'm spending my second day at the computer now, and I'm kind of glad to. I mean, I know I should do stuff, but I can't be bothered. Maybe you sometimes need it that way? There is a slim margin between self torture and discipline that is constructive. Surely, we're unable to ever tell the difference, but telling yourself "I must do this and that" doesn't help... It's thinking about the good stuff that gets me to do good things. I do sports not because "I must!" but because I know I feel better afterwards. Because I wanna punch someone in the face.

    So uh... maybe don't see "stopping Internet surfing" but see what gains you have from it. I know that's hard because you might lack other "good experiences", perspective, I am questing for that myself. Staring at the ground all day don't help much, but that's gravity I guess. You can't always fight gravity, just sometimes. I'm rambling.

  9. ENTRY #34 - DAY XX:


    "The Fly" – if you look closely you can see that I wrote swear words in there, maybe this way I can pack my anger somewhere.
    (In this specific piece the big strong fast as fuck invincible fly, which looks like a roach, rushes out from the field to get the drop on its victim and chop its fukn head off.


    (I somehow stopped counting days – counting suxx!)

  10. Does this mean more art soon?

    Haha. I ordered some colored pencils. Scanning all that old stuff itched me to do some non-digital drawing again but I also am currently tinkering with coloring some of it. Also I haven't uploaded the 10+ comic pages yet, that I have laying around for 10 years. I want to color them too – do them justice. One step at a time, but yea, I'm incited for continuing old pieces and creating new!

  11. ENTRY #32 - DAY XX:

    I've been working too much on that stupid part time job now.

    Haven't got around planning next semester, I'm not getting anywhere at uni, I've lost track of where I was and where I wanted to be.

    But that's all fixable... I guess, I'll just need to work harder... do more shit I dislike. AGAIN.


    What's really been bugging me though, is that, despite all my efforts in my personal and professional lives – I seem to be getting nowhere and I still need to take shit from all fronts and endure stuff that I despise. I'm really aggressive, people close to me have turned into a waste of time. I see some random person on the street and the first thought I have "get out of my way, you stupid fuck", then a glare and then this rising urge of grabbing his throat and choking him - or even her, it doesn't distinguish between gender or age. It is unfounded and without reason, but my frustration seems to be seeking a target, and one of these days – I fear – the next best person will do.

    I've been paying close attention to maintaining my sports routine and I'm going to my limit where I can to tire myself, but this doesn't help me relieve my anger. I listen to heavy metal, and I've played with the thought that it might serve as an amplifier for my anger, rather than an outlet, but these past weeks I rarely had the time to actually listen to any music and I don't ever wear headphones on the go as it gives me the feeling of impairing my senses but my anger levels are at their peak. I had to prevent myself from writing in my journal "I want to kill someone" for 20 pages, because I really felt like it.

    Today I almost bought a NES, because I really want to play Castlevania III. I thought "yea, these kids at game quitters are all struggling with girlsy shitty DOTA crap, NES is the shit!" – and all sortsa crap to justify a purchase. I really miss my NES sessions, I could never play more than 1-2 hours in a row, because it was rather tiresome and got boring at the point you kept trying and failing that impossible level. There were never drops, or loot, there was only skill. No chances, only you and blisters on your thumbs.

    This anger is my biggest enemy, it would have the power to drive me into a relapse, because I know that gaming has always been the place where I could pack it – never to come back. And when I arrived at the near end stages on Castlevania III ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5J8XqDENH1Y&list=PLEFFCC6ED90E41A23&index=15 ), or when I got to the final level of Shatterhand ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=175LKhA0vu4&index=10&list=PLED35EE5076954DFA) to beat it again, smelled the chance of a complete playthru, I felt as if my two eyes were all in the world and every millisecond counted eternity. Right there in the zone with myself, by myself and not in need of anyone to cheer me on – I was self sufficient, score was my feedback and going from the left side to the right was my only purpose. It was simple and stupid – as life should me.

    I've tried finding a substitute, and I've realized there is none for that. Not drawing, not doing anything with computers, not making music, not exercising and not cooking. Sure, they all help channel my "soul" and maintain it – but in the end I'm still empty on the inside. All these things just manifest me and keep me working. But there is nothing that uses me up as I want to, nothing that challenges me enough to get rid of my anger. When I pass an exam – I feel no accomplishment. Recently I've gone from jogging 5kms to 10kms – no feeling of accomplishment. I lift, I lose weight, I look like a Levis model if you chop my head off – no feeling of accomplishment. No matter what I do, I feel nothing. I can do anything I set hand on, and sometimes it surprises me that I can, but there is no pleasure drawn out of it. As if that shit was just hard coded in my spine and nothing to it really. Nothing I may feel proud of, because the moment I do I lose these skills. Women seem to be happy to receive my attention, but I never give them any – because I see a million flaws and problems with having them in my life. I see a million flaws in everyone in fact. Maybe because I'm working so hard on myself and I'm frustrated that I'm still unhappy with how things are and the next best idiot seems to be doing fine. Even though he isn't, and I know, but my frustration don't care.

    Maybe I haven't looked hard enough for that passion of mine, but I feel this passive deathwish in me rising more and more, either that, or the desire to shortwire and attack someone random. I've done it all by the book and beyond. I did it all right and it's still there, my heart can't endure this shit anymore. I have no problem resisting gaming, when it comes down to reality, but some part of me tells me it's my only passion. I've been shuffling through this desert, and there's a million cans to drink called gaming. I feel hollow. I feel like I could consume this whole world with just a stare at the ground for too long.

    Something good could happen to me once in a while... I mean, I don't think that way, I only believe in actively pursuing my goals, dreams and wishes but there are none. I don't give a shit. People in my life show me nothing new. Maybe I am just a bad listener... but... well I try, and I know... there is nothing new.

    This phase will end like any. I was kind of hoping that writing would inspire me, but instead it only robbed me of my time and with that – sleep. Fuck.

  12. Cancel preorder, save some cash. Buy a hammer for 100$ use it on the HDD.




    I'm joking!

    You can get a decent hammer for 10-15$ and using a hammer is dangerous, use a drill. Or cook it. That could be dangerous though, I don't know. Maybe the vacuum exploodes.




    Wiping is the first step, you don't really lose anything, only the magnetic orientation of little metal particles change – or if you are using a flash drive... uh... I would have to look that up – but it's probably some stupid electron load on an atom.

    If you want to relapse, Call of Duty 10 is around the corner and everyone has to start over anyways. Canceling a subscription is undoable, they won't delete your account. Besides, it probably takes the rest of a month for it to "run out".

    What are you afraid of? I stashed all my crap in a little box. I think I will sell it soon, but the video game market is actually a pretty good way to invest money, the value rarely drops after the initial couple of years. Might take some kids money for that, haha.

    Hahahaha. Hahahahahahaha.

    Good luck!

    Love and Peace,


  13. @Granitwelle Ah!!! I started that series months ago and never finished, thanks so much for reminding me of its name. Uh, you... isn't your avatar from it? Heh. You must be very fond of it. I too think it is a good series, but not done yet, so I can't tell.

    @Schwing Keep drawing shitty pictures and doing sports!! Every meter your pencil travels will make you .01% better!

  14. ENTRY #31 - DAY 63:

    Working kills creativity. I have decided that I need to save as much money as possible. Time isn't money – Money is TIME. Since I don't want to work.

    I can't write anymore, it really seems as if working has killed any muse in me. Lobotomy.


    Oh Lobotomy... what a great band name! Uh... it probably exists already, eh?

    Swedish Death Metal and Argentine Thrash, just my genres, point blank! Hahaha. Brutal! Gotta start listening to it.


    EDIT: Okay I've delved into some sick youtube playlists and I'm on Metal Safari, this shit is good!!

  15. ENTRY #30 - DAY 62:

    What a week. Work is hell, I need to do anything I can to not fall into one of those 9-5 lifestyles. It's... no it's not for me. I would probably hang myself within a couple of years and don't call me lazy. I can work hard and I would die for my beliefs – but working 9-5 so that someone can drive a Benz instead of a normal car is not one of them. Either I drive the Benz or I ride a bicycle, and honestly I really really really don't give a shit which one of the two it is, but I for sure as fuck don't want to go 9-5 on anything. Nope. I will not.

    The big fear I have is, though, I don't know how to make money on my own. Maybe I could move to a country where you only need like 200$ a month to live, and sell something to rich kids in the US that I have engineered for 10$. You know, minimize my own costs and don't give a shit about how much I make. I'm good at minimizing costs, but terrible at maximizing profit. My tongue is not serpent-y enough to rip people off, as I like being honest and I like helping.

    Sounds like a plan. Now, said place only need be English speaking and not in danger of getting shot in the head by an AK47, and this is where it all goes to hell. I mean, Asia could be OK, like move to Indonesia or Thailand, you know. Island, beach, and enough tourism so that the state is interested in keeping a "caucasian friendly" atmosphere. Where tourism is big enough to get by with speaking English.

    *Googles* https://www.expatinfodesk.com/ ah there you go, now I only need a business idea...


    So Indonesia, Morocco, Malaysia/Singapor or Thailand could be places to pursue such a lifestyle. These countries are fairly stable, cheap and might be acceptant enough to foreigners. Oh god, what a weird idea. It is for the far future, I need to finish my degree first, but... yea I should keep an eye open. Maybe the US are also an option, I do have an American passport, so... that'd be easy.

    Germany is a very complicated place to pursue a freelance lifestyle, unless you have someone that personally teaches you the nits and grits. There is so many laws and regulations that actually make this a very safe place BUT it is fucking confusing unless you are an adept at law and economy. And I hate reading law and economy texts.

    The more I think about it... actually I am doing just the right things to get where I want. My part-time job allows me that freedom to learn how to do what I want. I am in a position of decent power - for a part-timer. I put out buy and sell orders on my own pretty much... this is what I need to learn to be a good freelancer. SHIT, WOW. I never was aware of this. It's all by coincidence, but... I'm setting this up good without knowing.

    Okay. Cool. There is a red line somewhere here to hold on to. Don't lose sight of those goals and just... well don't follow that red line, but tug the shit out of it till the world falls over.

    Hang in there, hang in there destoroyah, it's working.

  16. It feels like I've been going down a series of wrong paths. In reality, I know these "other paths" are all likely just a change of scenery in the one.

    Hey, in the Zhuangzhi it says that there is no path, the only reason there are paths is because we are in motion. You moving is the path. I thought that was interesting, because a path isn't as stale as one might think. It is a dynamic thing that broadens when people walk on it. Or something that may get overgrown, when forgotten... You are the path. "Dao" in Chinese is not just "path" it also means "walk", "course" or "flow". I'm not sure about the synonyms, as I'm translating my German freely, but what I mean to say is that there is a dynamic component many people don't pay attention to.

    As I've sought out masculinity more, I've become more confident. As I've become more confident, I've been losing my fear of what others think.

    I've drawn confidence by not seeking masculinity in mind, instead I've stopped caring about what people may define as "masculine" and just started being what I am. Carrying my heart to the outside world, whatever that may be, keep my heartbeat true. Even in weakness that has made me strong, even when I shed tears – I know that shedding tears requires more courage than "appearing strong".

    Most "men" are stiff, not strong. Paralyzed and immobile in fear. You see them on daily basis, a true gaze can make them tremble. Some of their reflections drown in your eyes, deep as black water, eternal tranquility that lasts an instant, when you manage to uphold clarity and awareness. It is a very distinctive feeling and you know when it's there.

    Define "Man" as anyone will, you will never be a man to everyone you meet - but you can stop being a child by carrying that inner child to the outside world without fear of rejection.

    I do seek masculinity in the physical realm though, by training and attempting to maintain a body that I deem "fit".


    I don't have time to write more, I'm done for the day. My life has gotten tough and I see from actually working that some people get stuck at where I am right now. I don't want to get stuck here, working, it is not what I deem a good life. My time is worth more than money can pay for. After I die, I'll be gone for eternity, I want to breathe the world and move, not get stuck behind a desk... as many do. I like my heartbeat way too much as to waste it on some paper bullshit. The importance people put into this, the stress derived from things that don't matter for shit is incredible. People die and I worry about deadlines. What the fuck. That doesn't make sense.

  17. ENTRY #29 - DAY XX: (no time to check)

    Still alive. No time to write though, I got a working week and... well cooking, sports, cleaning and eating pretty much takes all my time. Still going strong though, not about to relapse or sad or anything. Quite well actually, the Zhuangzi is my best friend, and I like thoughtless gazing into emptiness when I find the time.

    In the 45 mins of "free" time I got per day, I am watching detective conan movies. It's so chilled.

    My training is going well, I feel pretty racked and kickass. Sometimes I pretend to look into the Zhuangzi book, but actually I am just looking at women's behinds.

  18. I hate real life, it's so boring, there's nothing I really want from it.

    You haven't learned to live. Some days I am thankful for every breath I can take. And there is nothing special. No girlfriends, no drugs, nothing that grants me pleasure... nothing, just me and the absence of a myriad of bad things that serve as a measure of how good my life is just by having food and a rooftop. And thrash metal.

    I also rationalize by saying to myself that I have no value because I am not a minority or a woman., so I don't belong in the real world anyway.

    Uh. Value? No one has value. Nothing has value. Value is just a concept we invented. You can put value into sand at the beach or your feces. I put value into every breath I take, that's a good start.

    I do go to the gym, and that is good.

    How do you know that that is good? Someone told you? Hehe, think about it.


    Good luck on your path, I'll check up on you if I find the muse and time. 


    Oh.. and also, pathways only exist because people walk. Without motion, there'd be no path. The absence of a decision is also a decision.


    "Haikus make bad poems <- These are 6 syllables, man!
    But gamequitters is cool, so
    I made one anyway
    "  <- This too.


    and my own poem is wrong too!




    "Just how many lives
    I must have borne office chaired
    demising my soul


    So much filler now! O.o