Day 2 No Gaming / Day 6 No Porn So what is the state of my life: Pros: I am following a healthy plant based diet for almost a year now. But I could cook more regularly.Every second or third day I cycle to a nearby forest and complete a keep-fit trail with equipment for pull-ups, dips etc.For a year and a half I've been writing a real diary. The insights that I gained from it are invaluable.Cons: I have successfully passed my studies and my practice teachings. But because of my illness I find no employment in this industry. This is one of the reasons for my addictive gaming.I need to find a new job quickly to earn money. After that, I will explore my possibilities for the future. Maybe I'll study again.As already described, I have big problems with my posture, which I would like to tackle quickly.
I quit gaming again. This time it is more like a backwards relapse than a real decision. I can't enjoy them anymore. This meaningless grind and the meaningless rewards they offer.
I finish a round of gaming and ask myself: What has happend in the last hour, what do I remember, how have I felt and where have I been during that time? Has this hour been worth it? I can't answer. I recognize so many degenerations. I have anterior pelvic tilt. Was wondering why my back hurts just from walking or sitting. Well, no wonder when I spent most time sitting and in a bad posture. I can't concentrate anymore. I want easy tasks with a quick reward. If I don't get that, I rather skip it and do something else, like gaming. Eating without a screen in front of me is hard. Food is just a distraction. I'm hectic throughout the whole day. Just doing my chores quickly, so I can get back to the screen. People are just a strain. I let my girlfriend do stuff alone, so I get more time to play games. But the worst thing of all is the loss of memories. When I play games, I don't create any memories. I remember some golden times with the games I played in my childhood and youth. But they are just a handful and they all involve other people. It has not been about the game but the people I played them with. I don't get any memories from the games I play now.
Just imagine being old and close to death, and there is nothing to remember. No memories to return to. Please grandpa, tell me a story from your life. Sorry I can not, there are no memories. I didn't experience anything but countless hours of meaningless games and I did not have time to get children, wich is why you do not even exist. Isn't that the worst fate of all?
Hopefully it is not too late to create a few good memories?
I've read your whole last post and understood about 1/2, maybe even less. But I know your feelings and realize that you are thinking a lot, just like I do. Maybe too much. You know too much, ask too many questions, have too many doubts. Therefore you can't have the illusionary peace most of the rest enjoys. You see through the illusion of career, family, fame and recognition. You see how people are led by their biological determination. But you don't see any alternative either. Because there is none. That drives you mad. You abuse porn and videogames to ease that pain and madness, which is also just a biological or mental drive. You see through that drive and hate yourself for giving in to it, but what is the alternative? You can stop with porn and videogames in exchange for recognition. But that's just another mental drive. There is just no reward, no real reason not to do it. And we humans need a reason for everything we do. You have to die and you can't escape nor live without the system. There can't be a purpose in your life, because life has no meaning. Whatever you do is without any significance. You are a pitiable creature. I really would like to offer you a solution or some kind of solace, but I think there is none. At least not for me. I just ask myself how to make the best of it. I have thought about suicide, but it just seems like a waste of opportunities, since I will die eventually anyway.
I'm glad that you are back. I didn't really "miss" you, but I've been a bit worried. I even wrote on your blog "uncanny thoughts" to see what happened to you, since you've been active there for a while until the blog was shut down somehow. A stay in the hospital is always interesting with the option of new viewpoints. I'm excited to hear your new stories.
I really like this small workout that Destoroyah suggested. Maybe I'll do the same.
My Dad didn't talk a lot. He was silent most of the time and gave me no advice of how to be a man. Yes, he took care of everything I needed, but he gave me no hugs, no emotions. I was always thinking about his thoughts, was never sure if I met his demands because I never got any feedback from him. Last christmas, I eventually found the courage to ask him about all that. Why he never talked, why he showed no emotions, why he didn't do anything with me or taught me stuff? He replied, that this is just not his nature. Which makes perfectly sense. Parents are normal people. No surprise that they are not perfect. Now I understand that my father loves me even though he's not able to express it and just couldn't give me all the things I saw other dads give their sons. I just have to accept this. But I'm satisfied that I've settled this matter that haunted me for so long.
Congratulations! You've succesfully done the 90 day detox! Why don't you continue with your count? I think there is no need to forget about these 60+ awesome days before you started the 1000 day challenge. I don't know what this is about, but I suppose you have to face your father some day. The earlier the better, since it will haunt you otherwise. But you have to do it at your own pace, so no pressure here.
So this is day 32 of the 1000 days challenge. I have been gaming free on 9 days and played on 22 days. That's not amazing. But I've been able to introduce something new into my life that may reduce the time I spend gaming. I've painted my first acrylic picture. Here you go: I trained juggling. I can juggle now for about 30 seconds with three balls. Or oranges, lemons, tennis balls... almost anything that is round.I've learned to read notes. Not fluently, but at least I can read them now. Thus I've been able to learn some new songs on the accordeon. Maybe I will record some and show them here.I have 6 weeks left to learn for my state examination in forestry. Tomorrow I will go to a distraction free environment for more focused learning.
Mad Pharmacist's versatile conversation opening. Sounds interesting. Have you tried this yourself @hycniejsy? What were your results? Mathew, you are now on day 85 already. How do you feel? You've been talking regularly about mr. psychic vampire. Is he an important figure in your life? What role does he play?
I can help you with learning German. I think my German is above average, except comma placement. In return, you could correct my English. I saw your list of books and ordered "A Short History of Nearly Everything". I've just read "A Brief History of Mankind" so this fits in.
Day 13 Gaming is just a symptom. The last days I wrote a lot in my handwritten journal. I began to understand where my present mindset comes from and how it creates the problems I'm dealing with. Tomorrow I want to try meditation with headspace.
Now I get it. But I think there are some things mixed up: Alpha, beta, gamma, delta and theta are brain waves frequencies you can actually measure. Like getting in gamme frequency when you meditate. So this is science.Alpha male and beta male is something in the internet about how to deal with women. Suggesting that women want strong alpha males. Apparently not science.
┌───────────────────┐ gaming free: 8/1000 days └───────────────────┘ ▲ good things I had my first little success with juggling. I went for a walk and took my juggling balls with be, so I could practise a bit. I play the accordeon for about 22 years now, but I was never able to learn how to read notes. This made it really hard for me to learn new songs, obviously. I always thought, that juggling and learning notes is something I just can't do. I tried it several times but always failed.This time I tried again, but with a different mentality. I said to myself, that I really want to learn this and that I will find a way. Now I can juggle for half a minute and I can read, although slowly, all the notes. This evening I fetched all my old sheet music and tried some. It was great! I learned three new songs.
▼bad things I procrastinated again on studying.
Hey Piotr, thanks for your comment. It's great that you are my accountability partner! That feeling of getting things done is great, but I don't feel it often, because I procrastinate so much. I would love to learn about your "building momentum" technique. It sounds interesting. My balance of working time and relax time is not good, because I relax too much.
Those photos look really professional and I think it is a big step to show your real profile in the internet. That makes you way more authentic but also prone to attacks. But hey: I also changed my profile picture into a photo of myself ;-)