I've read your whole last post and understood about 1/2, maybe even less. But I know your feelings and realize that you are thinking a lot, just like I do. Maybe too much. You know too much, ask too many questions, have too many doubts. Therefore you can't have the illusionary peace most of the rest enjoys. You see through the illusion of career, family, fame and recognition. You see how people are led by their biological determination. But you don't see any alternative either. Because there is none. That drives you mad. You abuse porn and videogames to ease that pain and madness, which is also just a biological or mental drive. You see through that drive and hate yourself for giving in to it, but what is the alternative? You can stop with porn and videogames in exchange for recognition. But that's just another mental drive. There is just no reward, no real reason not to do it. And we humans need a reason for everything we do. You have to die and you can't escape nor live without the system. There can't be a purpose in your life, because life has no meaning. Whatever you do is without any significance. You are a pitiable creature. I really would like to offer you a solution or some kind of solace, but I think there is none. At least not for me. I just ask myself how to make the best of it. I have thought about suicide, but it just seems like a waste of opportunities, since I will die eventually anyway.
I'm glad that you are back. I didn't really "miss" you, but I've been a bit worried. I even wrote on your blog "uncanny thoughts" to see what happened to you, since you've been active there for a while until the blog was shut down somehow. A stay in the hospital is always interesting with the option of new viewpoints. I'm excited to hear your new stories.
I really like this small workout that Destoroyah suggested. Maybe I'll do the same.
My Dad didn't talk a lot. He was silent most of the time and gave me no advice of how to be a man. Yes, he took care of everything I needed, but he gave me no hugs, no emotions. I was always thinking about his thoughts, was never sure if I met his demands because I never got any feedback from him. Last christmas, I eventually found the courage to ask him about all that. Why he never talked, why he showed no emotions, why he didn't do anything with me or taught me stuff? He replied, that this is just not his nature. Which makes perfectly sense. Parents are normal people. No surprise that they are not perfect. Now I understand that my father loves me even though he's not able to express it and just couldn't give me all the things I saw other dads give their sons. I just have to accept this. But I'm satisfied that I've settled this matter that haunted me for so long.
Congratulations! You've succesfully done the 90 day detox! Why don't you continue with your count? I think there is no need to forget about these 60+ awesome days before you started the 1000 day challenge. I don't know what this is about, but I suppose you have to face your father some day. The earlier the better, since it will haunt you otherwise. But you have to do it at your own pace, so no pressure here.
So this is day 32 of the 1000 days challenge. I have been gaming free on 9 days and played on 22 days. That's not amazing. But I've been able to introduce something new into my life that may reduce the time I spend gaming. I've painted my first acrylic picture. Here you go: I trained juggling. I can juggle now for about 30 seconds with three balls. Or oranges, lemons, tennis balls... almost anything that is round.I've learned to read notes. Not fluently, but at least I can read them now. Thus I've been able to learn some new songs on the accordeon. Maybe I will record some and show them here.I have 6 weeks left to learn for my state examination in forestry. Tomorrow I will go to a distraction free environment for more focused learning.
Mad Pharmacist's versatile conversation opening. Sounds interesting. Have you tried this yourself @hycniejsy? What were your results? Mathew, you are now on day 85 already. How do you feel? You've been talking regularly about mr. psychic vampire. Is he an important figure in your life? What role does he play?
I can help you with learning German. I think my German is above average, except comma placement. In return, you could correct my English. I saw your list of books and ordered "A Short History of Nearly Everything". I've just read "A Brief History of Mankind" so this fits in.
Day 13 Gaming is just a symptom. The last days I wrote a lot in my handwritten journal. I began to understand where my present mindset comes from and how it creates the problems I'm dealing with. Tomorrow I want to try meditation with headspace.
Now I get it. But I think there are some things mixed up: Alpha, beta, gamma, delta and theta are brain waves frequencies you can actually measure. Like getting in gamme frequency when you meditate. So this is science.Alpha male and beta male is something in the internet about how to deal with women. Suggesting that women want strong alpha males. Apparently not science.
┌───────────────────┐ gaming free: 8/1000 days └───────────────────┘ ▲ good things I had my first little success with juggling. I went for a walk and took my juggling balls with be, so I could practise a bit. I play the accordeon for about 22 years now, but I was never able to learn how to read notes. This made it really hard for me to learn new songs, obviously. I always thought, that juggling and learning notes is something I just can't do. I tried it several times but always failed.This time I tried again, but with a different mentality. I said to myself, that I really want to learn this and that I will find a way. Now I can juggle for half a minute and I can read, although slowly, all the notes. This evening I fetched all my old sheet music and tried some. It was great! I learned three new songs.
▼bad things I procrastinated again on studying.
Hey Piotr, thanks for your comment. It's great that you are my accountability partner! That feeling of getting things done is great, but I don't feel it often, because I procrastinate so much. I would love to learn about your "building momentum" technique. It sounds interesting. My balance of working time and relax time is not good, because I relax too much.
Those photos look really professional and I think it is a big step to show your real profile in the internet. That makes you way more authentic but also prone to attacks. But hey: I also changed my profile picture into a photo of myself ;-)
Why is it called DVORAK keyboard? Do I have the same? I think the philosophic books you've got there are all pretty hard stuff. It's a lot of rational thinking that I find hard to imply in my daily life.
I've started with a handwritten journal before I joined GameQuitters. Initially I used it to keep interesting thoughts I had, but over the time it changed into a journal about self-improvement and self-reflection. I find it amazing to revisit old thoughts and to check the developement of my own thought process. Now with my journal here at GameQuitters, I still use my handwritten journal, but only for important and private stuff. I mostly write before I go to bed, cause that is the time when I'm most creative. @destoroyah For me, perfectonism has been a big obstacle at starting a journal. I wanted to write only amazing thoughts in perfect handwriting. This held me back for a long time. I had the best results with just writing whatever came to my mind not caring about scratchy handwriting. But it surely is a good opportunity to practise handwriting this way, especially in times of electronic writing devices. You mentioned intermittent fasting. How do you do it? Do you just skip breakfast / dinner? Do you have a special diet too?