Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

destoroyah

Members
  • Posts

    309
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Posts posted by destoroyah

  1. ENTRY #53:

    Circumstances have turned. I aced my exams, my job is fairly secure and my presence is wanted. I shaved my head bald as a cue, because I was balding. Hair is for pussies. I got buff gut, majestic. I play games, but I alternate it well with writing on my papers. Currently into Mad Max - it's violence keeps me tame. I got a foot into Linux, made a jump away from Arch - after having successfully completed the tasks I wanted done with it. It overcomplicates things - and so I am done with hat. Switched to Linux Mint for now. I can't hide my nature. I can't hide from myself. I am dumb. And that's fine and I shouldn't give a shit. I am served well rolling with it. With who I am. My ugly nature is cool. Gotta embrace it to the fullest. I won't deny or change it. Fighting chaos is futile, bathe in flexibility. Accept shit, the way it is. Save yourself the effort of being perfect to make room for things that are of use.

    My training is going well. Listening to Eazy-E and every breath I take in peace is a victory over hypocritical bullshit.

  2. I'm gonna create some excuse and say no in the most indirect way lmao.

    Nah just tell him whats up. He'll understand - excuses are for pussies, man!... and they don't help anybody, because everybody wonders what the fuck is going on with the person making excuses. Even if you shit your pants, don't make excuses. Just say "I shat myself!" and laugh about it. 

  3. @Topic

    The omniversal longterm trick is to stop desiring to look hip, cool and smart. And to stop wanting to belong to a group which you don't fit in. Also: unfriend anyone that annoys the shit out of you, and don't justify yourself. Ever. When people ask "Why?" you can mayyyyybe think about justifying yourself, but usually it is best to ignore them. I hate being asked "Why?" - it is the worst!! I get rid of people that do that. It makes my simple brain hurt. I have been faring best by raising an eyebrow and staring with subtle anger. They often have something smart to say, whatever it is - it is usually best ignored at all costs! Don't listen.

    If you know something: STFU. Never smartass or correct people unless they are about to hurt themselves physically. Don't meddle with their idiocy, don't teach them unless asked for.

    Also think thrice about apologizing. There is an ancient chinese wisdom that says to "think three times before you say something". Well, that don't work for shit because we lack the mental capacity. Simply: think three times before apologizing. You will find many new friends this way.

    Soon all your arguments will be solved in a WIN/WIN manner:

    1) because you accept being an idiot (frees up some time and energy) – other people actually like idiots, because it makes them feel superior (emphasis on "feels", don't worry, you are still much better because you can kick their ass in the real world. Go train.)
    2) because you never really give anyone the sign of self-doubting by starting to justify yourself – other people like that actually, because they will think you are "confident"
    3) because you tend to delete people, that like to argue about useless shit, from your life – incites respect for you in other people, because it saves them time and effort
    4) because you don't incite people to correct themselves by not being a smartass – other people appreciate that, and you can watch them suffer in idiocy (in Germany we call this "Schadenfreude", it is the only joy I have and the only form of revenge I practice - no joke)
    5) because you never admit your own fault by apologizing unnecessarily – other people like that, because you stop whining

    So to summarize: Make them feel superior while being confident, incite respect (or fear), don't be a smartass and stop whining.

    Voila! C'est fucking magnifique, non?

  4. @Hitaru I never read Nietzsche and I don't give a fuck. I give less than two shits about being a "Nihilist" because that'd mean I would consequently have to follow some stupidass predefined code to be one. I hate following anything. It slows me down. And I hate everything that stands in my way. I make up stuff on the go, because I hate thinking. I know that's not smart or academic. I don't give a shit about being smart or academic. I write short sentences. I am stupid. It makes me easy and it makes me feel good.

    The concept of good and evil is not simplistic to me. I don't give a shit, because the complexity of good and evil is not something I spend time thinking over. It is something out of my reach, my mind is not high enough to grasp it.

    I am not a philosophizer. What I write in my journal is my stream of consciousness. Sure you will find coping mechanisms in there - I think coping mechanisms are a very positive thing and I make great use of them frequently. If that is a "villain complex" or whatever to you - OK.

    Sure I got fear and insecurities, and I can still feel good about myself - who doesn't? I know my limits in some cases and I can live with them. Sometimes I can even break and beat them.

    I don't feel that I am a mastermind that needs to follow a "higher purpose", though I do tend to sometimes detach myself from this world in order to keep moving and avoid damage. There is no higher purpose - because there is nothing higher. I am not even sure that there is a purpose for anything at all but the purpose I give - but I don't give a shit. "There is no future, no fucking world to be saved". But yea, that is a coping mechanism that kicks in - when I see myself incapable of doing something. I know nothing.

    I talk myself down, to keep myself in check. I sometimes talk myself into a Hybris. I have been writing since the age of 6, and... I'm not saying that that makes me sophisticated, but I will say "Today I ate lunch and stroked my cat" doesn't satisfy me. I dive deep into my mind and find treasure or krakens. Sometimes people don't understand. Some people think I have this gigantic flaw that needs to be fixed immediately. Don't worry about it, it won't kill anyone and I will never die.

    Thanks for your input though. I am sure you have had a number of weighty experiences in life, maybe you can find a method to convey them to me... I am just really bad at taking the long-talk that tells me what to do and think. xD

  5. ENTRY #52:

    I don't have time to finish my bachelor, because my part time job is getting in my way. That fucking sucks and it's making me mad. I need the cash though.

    By the end of the year they will replace my position with a fulltime position, I have shown no interest in taking that position, because I don't want to be stuck in that kind of work. It's really stressful and it has nothing to do with engineering. I have to be nice to people. I'm worried about shit, but... ach, I will find a way. Evil never dies, and so I will survive. Creeping. Crawling like a parasite. Infesting shit and consuming it.

    I will miss my colleagues and I feel bad about being replaced. I don't want to be replaceable, I want to be special and shit - like everyone else. I have come to realize though, that I have never been replaced. My place has always been with me, and if I was somewhere else, so I have moved my place there. I never want to be missed, that would defeat my purpose. I am here to consume all that is bad. Be a scapegoat and whatnot. A monolith, a bad example, or whatever. My presence makes them feel better. They can focus their unease at me and it gives them something to stand and unite against. And I can take it. I can take it all, because I am already dead. My colleagues have never made me feel that way though, so I guess I might actually miss them. They managed to see some quality in me – or something. Damn, still an idiot. What the shit, do I have a martyr complex? Sheesh. I will take my shit and go, no problem, and I won't be missed, I will make my path the path you will gleam at with jealousy. To prevail. I will embrace my aggression like floating on an ocean. I will be carried forever.

    I fucking hate people. People are like a bad habit. They waste my time, but I need them or something. People. 

     

    I feel the urge to consume eternal darkness. Breathing in a vacuum to satisfy my hunger. Infinite space, within my heart. No world can fill that gap, no soul can survive its emptiness. I have become one with it. I am what I fear. I am relentless and I will never die. Like cancer. I will consume everything and unite it.

  6. ENTRY #50:

    Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed?

    I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.

    Man, in my experience, any motivation is good motivation, at least for a while. If you ask yourself that question it probably means you genuinely care about not being a psycho or an asshole, so you should be fine. Fear, anger, pride, revenge, are like anaerobic fuel. A surge, an explosion of emergency energy. Survival mode. Motivation, purpose, making an impact, those are long-term, the foundation of lasting happiness. I'm not even saying those are better, you'll have to choose depending on the situation. Sometimes you have to survive, sometimes you have to thrive. 

    Yea. Thinking only bogs you down and turns you into a burden. By worrying about being a good person, you might actually turn into an annoying person that has a bad effect. I stopped caring. I discarded my ideals and morals - not to break them or act against them, but to move freely. I just don't care anymore, because it isn't always up to me how I act. It isn't up to me to judge myself and set the standards. A good day makes me smile, and a bad one lash out in anger - not like I chose the circumstances. My hands are of much more use now. People that still have the morals and ideals are brooding trouble and conflict. Not just brooding it, but unearthing anything to find it and have an argument about something that doesn't fucking matter if you take it down to the scope where you are at. The kitchen or your workplace is more of a matter of cockroaches and dishes than CO2 emissions. They always get busy attempting to make the people around themselves look bad, and if they can't then they will find a reason why they are acting better.

    Fuck that. In my eyes they haven't suffered enough pain to see the world as it is. Gray - not black and white. They are stuck in a candy-dream spoiled rotten. Psh. If they ever seek me out, I usually tell them "You shouldn't waste your precious time on me, you should seek out people that haven't yet given up their ideals, hopes and dreams." - they usually take that as a compliment with a lot of positivity and leave, when in fact I was actually throwing a curveball at their fucking face with +10 years experience.

    Surely, if you lead an enterprise you should put thought into it - but a normal person is sufficient by putting their waste in the trashcan and using a condom.
    Don't be grand. Don't be a special snowflake. Always attempt to solve your own idiocy.

  7. @Mettermrck Weightlifting and stuff. I had been sick a couple of weeks and have been struggling getting back into it. I had a tough time, as I was writing exams while being ill (the results are actually quite admirable considering the circumstances – I was also coping with other trouble at two fronts at the time). Now it seems, my body is taking all the rest it can get. I'm always hungry and always tired. Time goes by in an instant, everything is moving so fast.

    I guess it's okay to float in the ether a couple of weeks, nevertheless I gotta keep grounded, vigilant and things in check. Who knows when new shit will hit the fan.

  8. ENTRY #51:

    I wish I could go back in time and tell myself that I'm an idiot. Then again... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't listen and ruminating isn't one of my good sides.

    I shredded my exams with As and Bs – pretty good, huh? Then again... I'm overdue to accomplish something.

    Training has become tough, I lost 16,6666% of my power. Brutal.

  9. ENTRY #50:

    Usually my hatred is the only thing that gets me moving and keeps me going no matter what. Is that despicable? Is that disturbed?

    I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I stopped caring whether or not my motivation is founded in "good character". The worse my reason was, the better. My inner ugliness has always kept me grounded with this earth. By stopping my self denial have I become an animal, but at least I am unstoppable and I will not falter. I will never die.

  10. Uh...

    Sorry I didn't write more before, I have little time as of late... I feel really bad about that now. I wasn't aware circumstances were so grave. :|

    I hope you realize that you still have most of your life ahead of you, and with your age nothing is set in stone. You are putting too much pressure on yourself. Your life is not fucked up at all. It's good, be happy.

    Women come and go, and so do friends. Yea they're cool, yea we want them in our lives, but the more we want them or need them – the less we get them. So fuck 'em, get busy with something you care about and the like-minded will find you. ;)

  11. Sorry, didn't have time to read it all, so I write some oraculous shit.

    Make change your home and anguish your peace, men are built on wrong decisions. It's not about the decisions, but how you handle the consequences: live with them, or shift the rudder quickly with determination if there is a chance.

    Accept your ugly sides, they become better. You can rely on them the most, they grant you stability.

    Carry your heart outward, no matter how many arrows pierce it or words scar it. It will survive or die, either way is a good one.

    Do what you believe in, and people will stand behind you. Never waver, or they will eat you.

  12. ENTRY #46:

    Still alive. I finally got thru work phase, now I only need to accomplish what a single person can accomplish and it feels like a vacation.

    I've gone back to gaming, due to the stress I've had, it really took me down. I'm recovering now, and my priority isn't to stop gaming, but to not fall over.

    I've kept up my training though, albeit all that shit, and I've improved on many levels. Haven't felt like drawing though.

    Guess it is hypocritical to keep posting as a gamer, that's why I haven't posted for a while, and because of the shit I was writing – it felt as if writing about my mind actually amplified negative thoughts, so I'll keep it short and simple in order to reset myself. I guess it is necessary and I should see my limits.

    I'll be back. I intend to quit gaming someday again, but currently I need to set other priorities – and it hasn't made a huge impact, I feel okay with it currently, sticking to NES games and Puzzle genre, though I just ordered a Switch.

    Heh. Pretty stupid, but looking forward to playing it, despite everything. I guess when I catch myself procrastinating – I might wake up again. But I haven't so far.

  13. So I have noticed, it is a responsibility I am not worthy of. You are mimicking a vision that you have created. I'm not as great as you imagine. People need idols and scapegoats sometimes, fathers, mothers. Create ghosts, spirits, totems and illusions. Carrots on a stick, once you reach 'em you realize that carrots taste like shit, but they keep you moving. Coping with changes. It's a motor to keep you running. It works for a while, until you can generate energy by yourself. Take me. Take some movie character, a celebrity, an animal – it doesn't matter. In the end, it is you who defined it. Who put worth into it. Who made it work. You are not mimicking me, you are mimicking a future self called destoroyah. Take whats of use from me, and keep moving until you work yourself. And you will.

  14. @WorkInProgress I feel offended by that suggestion, you can't just come out of the blue and say that. You don't know what situation I am in. Working my job fulltime this month – because my colleague broke his leg/knee, and studying at the same time, failing exams and no one to cover my back. It'd get anyone to his limits, if you add the housekeeping. I can't retreat to my parents. My flatmates are nice but they're kind of "not grown up" at the same time. It's comparable to being a single mom with a job, I have like 45 free minutes per weekday if I want to live healthy. That is not enough time to sort my thoughts.

    Don't "go to psychiatrist" me, if I were in a situation grave enough – I wouldn't be chillin' on these forums. That is just about the worst thing anyone could say to me, spiting doubt in my own psychological integrity. Bah. If I were depressed – OK. If I wrote about suicide – OK. Obviously you haven't understood what I have been doing up there, I was analyzing myself on a deep level.

    I would daresay it requires a shitload of psychological integrity to even do that.

    I know you just rushed out "from the blind" – and that's cool, it's good to have you back, but you need to check up on people before you write. Stop being an idiot. No hard feelings, and I don't give a shit.