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May 22.8 I played and petted some. If everyone else is down, I'll happily forget that today ever happened. I've already received my comeuppance. Over and out. ~ Matt

May 22.5 (Yes, really.) I remember 3 distinct moments last year when I realised I was gaming too much: 1) My friend engaging (or joking about engaging) my character in combat for laughs/a 'kick', making me wonder if he cared at all, 2) Being outside, ploughing through an uphill walk in between gaming sessions, and perceiving intimidating eye-contact from someone in the opposite direction (keyword 'perceiving' - and by the way, I still feel this today), and 3) Overreaction to unannounced touching, which was when my dad's partner put his hand on my shoulder in the gym, on a very early morning I'd woken up gaming on. The rest is history: all of these journal posts, - most of which are pretty harmless - the discovery of GQ through a regular, curious google search, and 2 relapses, Oct-Dec 2023 + Jan-Apr 2024. I don't want a 3rd. I'm still superstitious about 2 instances turning into 3 making something into a serious 'trend'. My weird marketing lecturer/tutor added in one of his many offhand remarks that 'good things come in 3s' - or significant things, perhaps. I didn't do anything special this last night/this morning except make 2 meals before going outside, instead of 1. I simply couldn't make the planned workout seem serious enough in my mind to rush out the door right after I'd finished eating a bowl of oatmeal. I've done it so many times - almost skipping on my way straight to the gym, or taking a warm-up walk around the park for 40 minutes prior. It didn't help that it was the heavy dumbbell/kettlebell walks (too much walking before even lifting!) that primed me for some decent overhead press last time, which I thought I could capitalise on. I'm trying to be a good citizen in the meantime while looking for work again, and I know I'll be able to rise to the occasion if I keep investing in time away from gaming when whoever takes a liking to me. That's just the thing though; people I've met seem afraid of me and so don't take notice of all the signs that (I think) are right there to see. My ego says it's because people aren't facing certain concepts that I am. And so, if I want to make the effort to fit in (again?), should I just ignore the things that my consciousness has become 'aware' of, like the signs that people on the street just don't care about each other (or me)? Do I really want to use porn/game, plough up that same street/hill and then cry over the top of my earphone music without inhibition to that 'special' stranger, "HEY, WTF IS UP, HOMIE!?! 😄 😄 😄 😄", either demeaning social interaction and leaving the person nonplussed/scared, or worse, receive an aggressive/violent reaction and then ask "Ahh come on, what's your problem?" and have it all descend from there? In the world I want, people just aren't interested in hurting or intimidating others. Without my inhibitions, people treat me like or even tell me that I am a blight, but that treatment seems to be creeping in anyway. I've been incredibly lucky in that at my worst moments, it seems that most people are dimly sensing the build-up and 'tone it down' subconsciously, before I become truly prepared to lose my cool. It isn't just my ego that tells me I've 'tried everything' and must therefore be 'miles ahead' of most people, and so should just play around on games while I wait, which is also a sad thing. The mate I played chess with 11 days ago is aware of all sorts of things and what not to do, but some of the only wariness he's vocalised has been about 'not oversharing'. I told him that today I, unlike him (after sympathising with his 'jelly legs' sensation) did not workout this morning because I didn't have enough faith, and have yet to read back. The person I explained all of my mistrust to has vaguely told me he's looking forward to our next scheduled contact sport, forgetting the reaction I said I had to him muscling into me at basketball. I don't want my friendships to begin (and end) with rage. Feign interest skilfully, at least, is what I ask. I promise, I'm doing the same, and usually without the feigning part. That's all again for now. ~ Matt

May 22 Summary: I came really close in the last half-hour to signing in to 'the' game, at the same time as feeling badly with a sad song playing. That could have had awful results, but the mindfulness of the last month and a bit kicked in, and I closed the window, and I let the song finish, also reading its lyrics. Today, and this morning, I have no solid excuse not to get some weights training out of the way, - just finishing a cup of tea and getting this off of my chest - but the hardest part is the warm-up walk either in the gym or outside. I really concentrate on getting prepared for the session, so much that I often start thinking of other people (who I'm really, in the end, trying to elevate my mood for) as harmful distractions. I wish I could think of thoughtful things to say in conversation (now I think about that, not many people do successfully anymore) while fixing my posture and keeping on moving, but the confidence from a new work role is probably necessary to even try - otherwise I'd just end up challenging people from a very insecure place. Anyway, my brother messaged me last night (without punctuation) 'how goes it' + 'why so quiet', which I saw this morning, and I can't think of any good answers that would lead anywhere positive. I don't want to go into all of the old dynamics between us and our parents/authority figures, but I can recognise when I'd just be getting myself into a poor situation. As I said to a friend somewhat recently, unless there's an epiphany, similar to what I went through, in the minds of my family members, there isn't going to be the shared healing I would need to fully open up again - and not make our world a worse place. To add to basic mental efforts, I watched two online interviews with two very different interviewees yesterday, but they at least seemed to share a goal of not doing people direct harm - something that does still occasionally result from telling someone they're 'not good enough', mentioning that just in case. I think that's all for now. Gratitude: ~ almost hearing my brain politely refuse to type in my details on the game or to endure a potentially long, sorrowful (and pointless) session ~ 'the golden rule' still seems to be at play ~ changing (weekly) my bedsheets to the warm material ~ the simple chilling in Discord with members of the social group on Monday, I forgot to mention Good luck everybody, ~ Matt

Entry 21.05 Day 600: No Useless Videos Day 597: Sticking to Food schedule Day 201: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 192: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 18: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -1 hour run, plus first time I ran 3 minutes at a a empo of 17 km/h (at least first time in a long while. -Woke up early and made it on new job on tme -withstanding strong tiredness 1 Thing I could do better -repare dinner beforehand so that olive oil has time to soak, and keep eczema t bay as a result hopefully, cause didn't fee lit for a long time but now that i didn't let it soak - it resurfaced.

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum. I'm 20 years old medical biochemistery student from Zagreb, Croatia. I play video games since early childhood. At first these were some games for little children, at around age 7 I turned to flash games. Already then, as 1st grader, I had tendencies to play too much games. When behaviour at school became problematic I got a punishment. Some time I was completely banned from playing and aftet that allowed to play only 45 minutes a day after schoolwork was done. My parents controlled me with these rules for years, with maximum one hour allowed daily, with occasional exception of two one hour sessions a day during holidays. At age 13 I got Minecraft and usually spent that hour playing Minecraft and no other game. Minecraft was my number one for years. It was fun, but also somehow good for brain, both surviving in survival and creating projects in creative requiere some cognitive skills. My gaming got a bit out of control during covid, then I was 16. Alongside with minecraft I also started playing roblox. But, I regained control over my gaming as soon as school started again after lockdown. I had great marks at school and did university entrace exams greatly. BUT, then I discovered an evil game on google play which is called BITLIFE (and its evil assistants doglife and catlife). First months it was no more than occasional session of fun. But, the summer between end of high school and start of the university it turned into addiction. I also had a stressful event then (mother diagnosed with breast cancer, underwent surgery and radiation and now she's fine). I started playing bitlife for hours, life after life. The first things I bought when I finally got my own bank account were bitlife bitizenship, god mode and special careers. Now I realize i've just wasted around 40 € only to harm myself. During the summer I thought bitlife to be a good fun and time killer. I worked hard in it and earned all ribbons. But, when university started I realized it is not fun, insted, it's addiction. I just couldn't stop playing it and go study. Things got worse when I had a deviated septum surgery, spending most of my 5 recovery days playing bitlife. After this I decided to quit and succeded. I spent a year without playing bitlife at all. I only sometimes caught myself thinking about it, but resisted the urge to install it. Sadly, i relapsed three weeks ago. The trigger was seeing my friend playing it and I couldn't resist the urge to start playing it again. It's not fun anymore, it makes me furious when I don't get the achievement/ribbon I inteneded to, but I still have constsnt urges to play it. I even play it in my bed.

I ended my semester weak. Very weak. My performance this semester wasn't much of an improvement from previous ones. I haven't relapsed, but things have sucked in the last month. I'll come back to this journal soon now that I'm done with my semester.

(May 21) I border on explaining that both of those exceptions are the case, a large number of days - I think I already have online here, in a way. Thanks for giving me something to think about though. It's only been 1.33 months' abstinence this time, after all. As I've also said, most people in my life seem to want to forget everything that's happened and move forward forcefully. I feel and think I've already given that approach my best, even if continuing in that way would ensure (to spin a phrase) 'healthy aging of my consciousness' - or put really simply, an afterlife. Today, at the employment agency, I'm pretty sure 1 of 2 people that saw me today (for a change) said that there should be something that excites me enough to wake up naturally early - other than clicking on images for points. It's sort of like I said; I've been sleeping to dream and waking to earn sleep for the past few weeks, without the desire to directly impose my will on the living - without wanting to watch their own vision and personal power shrink in their eyes. I could never do that unless I knew doubtlessly that someone was doing another wrong - I would blame autism for this (the assessed-for first level I've got) if it weren't so popular already to do so; that wouldn't fill any important gaps in anyone else's life unless there was some need for a personal put-down. Back to the point, I've been a part of forcing enough already, I think. Gratitude ~ Today, I petted the employment agent's dog, with enthusiastic consent. ❤️‍🩹 Peace, ~ Matt

Food Schedule Update (21.05-3.6 including) Stays exactly the same as previous, probably not going to have any days with over 3 hours deliveries, just gonna work on Saturdays and fridays so it will remain the same as earlier (reversing the over 4 hrs physical activity part)

Entry 20.05 (Written on 21.5) Day 599: No Useless Videos Day 596: Sticking to Food schedule Day 200: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 191: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 17: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Understanding that it is a problem to tie my mood with an outcome that doesn't depend on me. -Since the deadline of finding a job I've see to myself has come, deciding to give the only job offer I have pending a try, even though I'm scared it's not a fit. (It is a sales call center of a hotel. I do believe it is a waste of money to go on "vacation" in a hotel. Ubnless you're some sort of a millionaire and it saves you lots of time and it is pennies for you, which most of the people I'm going to talk to are not. Still it is their decision, and I am there to provide them with information and give them the best possible solution out of other hotels. No lying is going to be involved - that's a red line for me. Other than that providing them with the best information about my product in case that';s what they wish to get is fine I guess (If anyone reads this let me know what you think 🙂 ) -4 hrs physical activity despite lack of sleep for a few days and having emotionally "rough" day since I got rejected on the job I expected to get accepted on, and wanted badly to get accepted on. 1 Thing I could do better -Expect to not get accepted on jobs unless told otherwise, this is not under my control and act as if I did not get accepted until I did, it is the right way mentally I believe

another few commitments I want to shift to, sensing some difficulty in other areas of my life: - i'm spending more and more time watching TV (over 40 minutes today alone) - i'm struggling w/ focusing for longer periods of time, escapist tendencies and small tasks capture my attention constantly. with those two, my goals are... - only watch TV when i have laid down all of today's work. let that escapism not prioritize my missions. - get back to focus timers. learn to keep a posture for 20, 30, 60 minutes again. no work w/out a timer of some sort. i don't want to prioritize escapism over efforts of making the world a better place. i pray for strength in changing the course of this frustrating habit.

not keeping days- i have been exposing myself to sexual media of sorts, but the relationship feels very different (just like w/ games, which I occasionally still play). i understand the unique niche of desire sexual media can fullfill, but also understand well how so much of it goes against my values. i think that how and why i access that media has shifted fundamentally (though i still need to do a lot of work to truly be free of impulsive actions and trauma-related decision making). cheers!

Hey Vee, Great to see these marginal gains adding up and being recognised! I can see you've been working on your sleep hygiene, which can definitely be overlooked by many people in daily life. Excellent work also on continuing to push through with your daily morning routine and breakfast little by little. I'm sure you'll become more consistent with your breakfast goals in no-time with some environmental optimisations along the way All in all, 1 up for another day of resilience and gratitude towards your journey!

Day 40 to 46 Still not gaming, and I realise there have been over 100 days in the last 12 months that I haven't gamed! I haven't felt particularly tempted to since my last update either. I went for a great jog last week, getting my best 1K without trying, and my third best 5K. I meant to jog more, but because of the heat I'd need to either wake up earlier or decide on a well-lit route for night jogging. The weather should cool down in the next week, so I can be more flexible. Self-management Routine - My sleep schedule is moving closer to what I'd like it to be. I haven't had any late nights recently, though sometimes I lie in bed for ages in the morning. Since coming back from holiday I've consistently taken multivitamins. I've also been reading every day for over a week (and signed up to the local library), although not specifically as part of an evening ritual. I've journalled every day for over a week, having had some blips earlier in the month. Eating - I've been consistently eating breakfast again, thank god. I've been better at lunch and dinner than usual, though still not managing three meals every day. I've been trying to slightly cut down on sugar, but it's hard! Leaving the house - I haven't pushed myself to do anything new or interesting, but I think I left the house most days anyway. I think it would be good if I went out in the sunshine more.

1. Introduce Yourself - Let us know who you are, where you're from and why you want to quit games. What's your main goal now that you've quit? Hi everyone, Thanks for being part of the community here. I've recently enrolled into the Game Quitters Basic program to try tackle my journey recovering from gaming addiction. Over the years trying to quit, I've always come back to gaming somehow. So, who am I and where am I from? I am a 20 year old Psychology student at University in Australia. I have always been one of the high-achieving students ranking top 10 in multiple subjects back in high school, up until Year 12. I started trying to quit gaming at the end of Year 10. I managed to survive in Year 11 while still gaming and getting good grades in a few subjects. However, Year 12 was when things started doing downhill. It was when I started failing exams and tests, lost my friend group as they went to their own paths in life, and felt lost in life. I also felt very lonely, stressed and depressed. I continued to resort to gaming as unhealthy means to deal with my difficulties - avoiding the inevitable uncertainty and challenges which we must all face in life. Why do I want to quit games? What is my main goal now that I've quit? During my final 2 years of high school, I coincidentally met an anaesthetist living in Sydney while playing League of Legends. I was in a pretty bad spot during those final 1-2 years (especially my final year) failing tests and exams. During these final 2 years and my gap year, I'd see him online from time to time. Aside from playing the game together with his son, we'd also chat a bit about life and random stuff. Sometimes, he'd share a bit about his career and what kind of anaesthesia procedures he did from his day at work. We'd also play some chess on the side here and there (but I'm pretty terrible frankly, compared to his chess skills haha). I didn't really think about my career much in high school, and why I wanted to enter a particular career. I do admit though, I was one of the students who decided to give medicine a go. Reflecting on that time, I definitely got pulled into the herd mentality; many friends and peers around me also wanted to get into medicine. However, I don't think many of us actually understood the reality of what the career entailed. It can be easy to only look at the pleasures, without actually understanding and experiencing the struggles embedded within a career. Medicine just "felt" like something challenging to aim for, and also "felt" like a possibility that could be reached to "make life better for everyone"/help people. I left high school with some unsatisfying grades nowhere near enough for Medicine. I knew for certain I wasn't going to get into Medicine after my Year 12 exam and test failures. My mental health was pretty terrible also. My parents said it was impossible for me to get into medicine in my life, after looking at my grades (which was reality at that particular moment no doubt). My dad also said "it was fate" that I wouldn't become a doctor numerous times. So, one day I told the anaesthetist this story about my dad constantly saying "it was fate that I couldn't get in", and he replied "that's bs". That moment gave me a glimmer of hope after a dark period. I thought, perhaps I should try "touching some grass" a bit more. Perhaps I myself, had been stuck within this negative cynical cycle for years from the start of high school. I was constantly comparing myself to others at school and felt bad if I didn't score higher than others. I took a long moment to look at myself, trying to find out what I lacked as a person. One of the first skills I identified was that I was severely lacking in social skills. I also wasn't mentally healthy due to my recent high school experiences losing contact with close friends, along with how I grew up within my family. I also was completely clueless as to how I should study to get good grades after failing tests and exams for the first time in my 6 years of high school. So I decided to take a gap year. I decided to try save up for a studying skills course (which I heard from some people around me back in high school), to try learn how to recover from my academic failure. I also decided to try volunteering at the nearest hospital to try improve my social skills, and learn a bit more about the hospital and healthcare system where possible. While I was a general volunteer at my local tertiary hospital for a year (2022), I came across quite a number of experiences. From talking to different kinds of patients in the neurology rehab centre (some admitted for months due to serious injuries), burns ward, the day surgery clinic, the ED....etc. Mainly, I just walked around the hospital and had a chat with patients (and the people visiting them). It was quite an interesting experience meeting a variety of people from different backgrounds and perspectives actually. One of my most memorable experiences: I remember talking to this woman (the daughter of a patient who had been admitted). Along our conversation, she started sharing her skepticism of the COVID-19 vaccine and the lockdown, and started to cry out of strong concern for her mother (the admitted patient). The woman - someone with strong beliefs in alternative medicine and healing stones - was very worried about the potential side effects of the vaccine and medication which her mother had gotten, before and during hospital admittance. This was one of my first experiences where I was very uncertain of what I should do. I decided to end up just listening to the best of my ability to the woman, and reflecting on her emotions to the best of my ability (e.g. "this must've been quite hard and frustrating..."). No doubt, my perspectives would have conflicted with hers. So I decided to ultimately respect her autonomy regarding her perspectives towards contemporary western medicine. Perhaps to listening to her concerns simply was good enough at that moment. No doubt about it, this was a very unexpected experience for me. Living the experience was nowhere near listening to the news stories and "preparing" for it. Further along my time volunteering, I occasionally passed some very tired and stressed-out looking doctors. While I can't fully know what might've possibly contributed to their current state, it did ignite my curiosity as to what might've correlated or caused it. One of my biggest regrets was when I passed this doctor in the ED department who sighed very loudly and deeply. I doubted not stopping and asking how they were feeling when passing them. Or even some words of encouragement. I reckon this probably got me a somewhat interested in healthcare systems from around the world. On the bright side, I did discover a pizza-friday pattern where some doctors would order a big batch of pizzas and carry them through the main entrance smiling 😎 👍 One day while volunteering in the ED, I happened to see an early high school friend in one of the resus bays. I led his parents and 2 of his other friends to see him. He had unfortunately been under the influence of drugs, and went missing the night before his hospitalisation. This was another experience that made me felt helpless. I felt like there were many situations where I felt like I couldn't make an impact as a volunteer. I wanted to help support my friend, his friends and his family through the difficulties he was facing, and to try understand him as a person. Human suffering can be very detrimental in the short and long-term, whether it be physical or mentally. However, I do understand that it is inevitable through life as we learn and move onwards with time. At this point, I decided to try looking deeper into the clinical side of healthcare. I wanted to look at both the psychological side and the bio-chemical-physiological side of medicine. The anaesthetist I had met recommended me to try out volunteering with my state's paramedic organisation. I was quite surprised when I found out that we also had the program in my state. I decided to give the experience try: to see how it would be assessing and treating patients with simple medications and interventions. I was fortunate enough to volunteer at some music festivals at the end of last year/earlier this year. There was no doubt, a lot of drug and alcohol use, coupled with mental health cases. Working alongside nurses and paramedics, I got to understand a bit more about their roles in healthcare outside the hospital. While I understand that paramedics can implement life-saving primary interventions on the scene, their inability to fix and find the root of complex problems left me unsatisfied. A similar thing could be said with the role of a nurse. While they might help administer and (some) diagnose, their role felt restricted due to their inability to dig deep down to the problems presented. Other than these experiences, I also got to understand a bit more about the medical ethics as a volunteer within healthcare, and especially the power imbalances and trust. Simultaneously, I also started volunteering as a listener on this mental health website called 7cups. I realised I wanted to try improve my social skills a bit more, since I didn't fully grasp what I should be doing to empathise best with others. I used the website's resources to help me understand a bit more about the key components of active listening, while listening to the concerns that people had in their lives. I also did some more research into some occupations such as therapists and clinical psychologists. Similar to the roles of nurses and paramedics, I felt like there was a limit to what I could do and help, compared to physicians. Ultimately, I do understand the patient has complete autonomy to their course of treatment since it is their journey. And that different occupations are specialised to help bring the best patient care and recovery in their journey. But, I felt that physicians had the most power and flexibility in terms of finding the problems, and helping collaborate with the course of treatment, to reduce suffering. Aside from volunteering at the hospital, I actually tried out drop shipping to see how much I valued earning money. I decided that earning money and buying stuff for my personal pleasure or for others just didn't feel morally right/the most important thing in life. Having seen some life-changing experiences from others at the hospital widened my eyes to how fragile life could be. I actually did have suicidal thoughts and self-harm back as a child growing up (before high school) due to how my parents treated me. They would say how they "wished I was never born into this world" word for word, and didn't treat me well physically also. Alas, I am aware of the cultural reasons behind it and have learnt to perceive the experiences as being part of my personal moral learning. Ultimately, I'm grateful that I've managed to live through to this day, even if just a bit better. I guess these personal experiences can make you more emotionally sensitive to the feelings of others in tough situations. I am just glad that I persevered through and didn't fall into other unhealthy coping strategies like drug-use and alcohol addiction also. This is my story of why I want to continue curating the necessary skills such as empathy, problem solving skills, studying efficiency skills... etc. - skills which are essential to becoming a really well-rounded physician. This is why I want to live a more balanced and healthy life away from video games (and porn), which have affected my ability to find enjoyment and contentment in other lower-dopamine activities in life, and my interest and curiosity in knowledge (which has been lost overtime to the psychology of games). Some popular games which I've been long-addicted to include (but not limited): - League of Legends - Minecraft - Wynncraft - Steam games 2. Start a Journal - Having a journal to share your thoughts (be it daily or otherwise) is a great way to process your thoughts and emotions, and as time goes on it's really fun to look back and see your journey. This is also a great way for us to support you! I guess it's time to start posting some daily reflections here on the forums 🙂 3. Interact - Browse around and find a few threads that interest you and add your input. Say hi to other members in the introductions forum. Leave a comment on another member's journal. This will help people become more familiar with you as a new member. We've got your back. Let us know if we can help in any way!

Hello Game Quitters. Unfortunately it took me too long to update you guys. I had a lot of things going on this month and on my mind in real life. Obviously I do my best to do me and ignore things that is not giving me value and affecting my personal and professional life. I don't care what is going on in the news and what is going on politically in general, especially watching the wrong types of contents on YouTube that is not valuable and teaching me new skills. I'm honestly still thinking a lot of things in my real life while typing this update in general because there is a lot going on right now. ....I did successfully exercise both strength and cardio...before today and yesterday it was a lot of miss days and successful fitness days...it's a lot. Now hopefully the following weeks I'll be in the same consistencies in general with fitness. I'm still valuing Stoicism with a capital S, not lowercase s. I'm still doing well in general too. So I'm going to weight in myself with my FitTrack Dara Scale and get ready for today and have a good day Game Quitters members.

Unless something is wrong, I think an 18-year old adult is normally able to get by on their own in a society, either by working or studying at the university. Yes, many parents support their kids by paying (a part of) their rent or send them an X amount every month, but I don't think the support is normally too critical. There are some exceptions of course (handicapped kids or severely ill parents), but I'd say that unless you yourself want to be a "people manager" for your dad and "weaker individuals celebrator" for your mom, you shouldn't do that, simply because wasn't/isn't your choice. Their health will naturally get worse over time and if at (your) 40 the situation will be the same, you will be the number 1 person to take care of their checkups, shopping etc. I'm not writing this as a bad thing, but you must count with that as a realistic future outcome, and consider, if it's something you want to happen and then commit to.

(May 20) The main thing I thought (for a few reasons) was that my parents needed me to be their friend, because I didn't completely ditch them for my own friends. After long periods spent online, I came back to the 'real' world (whether at the end of a day/week/month/year) and just felt sorry for them. I think how my younger brother went about his youth was natural and yet sad, because we had smartphones and the internet to - potentially - keep us connected. His phone's unavailable/answering machine message for awhile was simply a 'horse' noise - which I took to mean 'I'm busy galloping around with the other young steeds'. I barely made any similar choices, but in the 6 months after my first (and arguably only meaningful) break up, I looked around - online and offline - for validation/acceptance and couldn't find it. So by the end of 2013 (having seen so many posters at uni offering shared rent, having spent 1 dutiful year working and also being in a volunteering experience), I was saying to myself and eventually my family that "I'm just going to go and be me, without any ties (unless you guys are in some sort of crisis, perhaps?)." I remember one or both of my parents asking incredulously, "What's all this about you moving out?" Either it would have been irresponsible to let me to properly join society as I was, or they needed me - because I just couldn't sense enough concern for my wellbeing. I've caught myself thinking that even though I was enough of my own person, the real need of my parents has merely been for confirmation that their job was 'done'. I mean, I don't think it was ever about concern for me - I would have to become an effective 'people manager' for my dad, or making sure 'weaker individuals' were always heard and celebrated for my mom, no matter how I actually saw things. I did try, by the way, but even that pleased them little. Now, I feel like saying (especially since my Dad won't allow the past to be brought up) that it's too late to encourage me to now make the same choices that I would have at age 19. I've adapted too much to the role of filling empty spaces in other people's lives to suddenly demand that everyone else take a now-30-year-old's unmet needs seriously, clearly. _____________ But maybe this is just one of those 'walls of hate' that was mentioned coming from older members here on the forum, and I'm just incensed from not learning much about what was promised in a 1 hour+ video I just watched's title. Maybe just I'm sad that I may have to carve out a future with newly-chosen words outside of this apartment just to fit in (again), even if I'm not being 'me'. _____________ Gratitude: ~ a good night's sleep ~ essentially-worded replies to both recent and 'difficult' posts in this journal ~ low potential for conflicts ~ this 2L water bottle Peace, ~ Matt

Entry 19.05 Day 598: No Useless Videos Day 595: Sticking to Food schedule Day 199: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 190: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 16: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -4 potential job places visit -Continuing process with 1 job place I want -Again got over sleepiness 1 Thing I could do better -Prioritize health - sleep 8 hrs, not 7 6 or 5

I don't have the work/living history mapped out for you and your family, so I don't know if the following is the case. Regardless, if your parents still support you in one way or another, they will want to have some influence over your life. The more existential the support is, the more influence they will exercise. Worse yet, they can still picture you as a child. Once you "break free" of their influence (e.g. by getting a job and paying the rent yourself or moving), they will have no choice but to treat you as an equal. The above was certainly the case with me. I even fell back into that situation when I moved back in with my parents after finishing my army career. It's not something parents will tell their kids outright, but good parents should create incentives to make their kids independent. I got such an incentive when my parents imposed rent on me (for living in their house). I moved out to the student dorms (single room) in autumn 2019 and I guess my expenses/rent stayed more or less the same. 2020 was of course corona year, but I very much preferred to stay in the company of fellow students at the dorm than to move back home again. Really one of the best decisions I've ever made. I have just a few good friends, because I don't have much time to gather a bigger network. I also have work in the evening, meaning my socializing is mostly done with my students and they actually form a big part of my social life. It's an odd situation, because if I am presented with having lessons/working with my students and going out with (my) acquaintances, I mostly choose my students, because I paradoxically know them more, get paid and I also know the atmosphere will be positive and I know there won't be any strange dramas.

Entry 18.05 (Written on 19.05) Day 597: No Useless Videos Day 594: Sticking to Food schedule Day 198: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 189: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 15: 8 pomodoros 🙂 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Planned the week -Cleaned two windows and dust on the table -Got over two energy falls(Sleepiness) 1 Thing I could do better -Move myself a bit faster especially during food prep so that I'd leave home earlier and come back earlier and wouldn't have to cut shower short

May 19 Early sleep, early rise. Two vivid dreams: 1) being lost in a countryside, accidentally travelling further away from the city and encountering more and more obstacles + 2) doing some competent skiing, but accidentally snapping one ski in two (it was made entirely of wood, lol) then ditching the poles as well, in the hope of just replacing everything for free! - (I typed those so I can remember for later) I was also drawn to a video (I hope not to get anyone stuck on a watching-spree) about pain and pleasure, and seeking pain instead - so that unexpected pleasure is more fulfilling. I had a few thoughts/reflections on this. 1) In 2010's mid-year Winter, I swam weekly in a 50 metre outdoor pool, first inspired by a friend who gamed with me. He has since passed away young a few years ago - one schoolmate of both of ours said that 'he was always pushing it (the 'envelope') further and further', but (I'm told) his life actually ended with one or a couple of bad recreational choices. It makes me wonder if others pressured him. Back during 2010, I also took entirely cold showers. It was the moments of 'steeling' myself before entering the water that carried over to other activities like starting an essay, or opening my maths books for homework - after choosing a good moment to turn off the TV in the evening and commence action (albeit while my mom watched as well <.<). I still finish showers with cold water, but after a first half of warm and usually post-exercise, or if I'm to go out and meet someone. I don't remember consistently feeling as acutely alive, or maybe even as productive, as I did then. I think those new actions of mine were strongly in part to simply knowing that my friend existed and that he swam many mornings a week, before the sun had even come up, among his other efforts. 2) With gaming, but only alongside stable studies, I was able to focus on on-screen results when I had spare time, and sometimes I felt even detached from the rush of images when 'travelling', or honed in on 'combat', and watched mine and other players' choices of clicks really naturally. Most of that happened pre-medication, though there was a last 'gasp' of it in 2016. Then, existence became, ironically, painfully mindful. So I often haven't actually had to try so hard; I remember more clearly the pleasure that usually follows pain, and I also remember the most effective processes (for me) in the gym, or outdoors. 3) But with socialising, I've felt like medication has held me back. Sure, I don't prance around in a high-pitched voice, babbling about anything and everything when potentially manic anymore - I was functional then, it was just that I 'got along' with a lot fewer people. The trouble is, I keep hearing and affirming that having 'a few good friends' is sometimes best. Having been reading my old ethics textbook for 'fun', I also feel compelled to be as good as I can whilst thinking independently/for myself about issues - also as medication has kept me mostly agreeable when there is also an activity to focus on. ^ I would have mentioned some of these things to my psychiatrist already and had a medication review, but it's only officially planned for early next year, unless I have a crisis. I sometimes guess that the way I type concerns other people (as well as myself, sometimes) enough to think that I'm actually already in one. My old care team is only a stroll away, is what I keep in mind, for now. --> So what positive experiences have come out of choosing to take pains for you guys? ______________ Gratitude: ~ being able to use earphones while lifting with a 'hex' bar ~ letting some odd, but effective in rhythm, music play during ^ ~ my dad sending what I saw as a tentative message online (one medium) instead of to my phone (the other medium), almost at the same time as my unblocking his number; I feel more open to pain after motivating myself for a few weeks, but not at the hands (or thumbs) of my phone - so I still pray for mercy there ~ warm clothes when I'd had enough of shorts and open windows Long time since last post (heh) - peace, and hope to read more of y'all ~ Matt

It's surely only part of the story, but my way to cope with message overwhelm is that I first turned off my whatsapp notifications. So that I don't hear them or it doesn't vibrate and i don't have the phone flashing from it. Then I just set a habit of opening it only once a day along with any social media(Even if I accidentally open it because I need some data and see some messages I do not answer unless its related to a current task directly.) Also If I really need someone I do allow myself to call them. And if it was important enough to call them or physically do some action, then I may use messages as part of what I'm "currently doing", this takes effort to create like any other habit, but I think it's more useful than blocking anyone. In this case at least I'll have the opportunity to see and respond to what they have to say 🙂 Hope this helps.

May 17-18 Friday: Woke up late but went straight to the park for a ~1 hour jog. Called the social club as we arranged last week if I slept in/couldn't come, and talked for a bit. Then I headed straight out to a men's group event somewhat far away, and almost messed it up on public transport. Saturday: Another late morning (9am), and figured I needed to stretch my legs walking before a gym visit in a little while. It's been colder and windier today, so I put on some music over the howling noise and discomfort of it all. Gratitude: ~ the lads took it easy on me, maybe just for arriving 10 minutes late, perhaps as well as deciding to miss last Sunday's gym event on Mother's Day ~ escaping unhurt from crossing a few lanes of traffic when late ~ the chicken burger dinner I had at the event last night; the slab of meat was a very funny shape, and stuck out around the sides lol ~ everyone I see around in places who are still doing kitchen work and who are getting 'in the zone' ___________ It's been 7-10 days since I texted back-and-forth with my dad. His heart may well have been in it, but I just don't see it, and keep letting myself become infuriated. His phone number is blocked at the moment (but we're still on social media, with the last friendly message sent being mine), because even after him saying that he would be using it to 'reach' me, I couldn't take his style; staring at my phone, wondering how to respond thoughtfully enough with my two thumbs at my smartphone. Whilst being on these forums, with the two social groups and generally outside on my own may get me most of what I need, it's tough and yet maybe healthy not relying on one source of it all, especially when I'm so frequently upset with the relationship. I still split the rent with my dad, and even though there's tons of emotional regulation work for both of us regarding people whose strengths are quite obviously equal to ours, I can hardly just say that to him because I think I'll probably hear something like 'it's all on you, Matt - and maybe the rent should be too'. That's really tough. Anyway, peace guys. ~ Matt

Entry 17.05 Day 596: No Useless Videos Day 593: Sticking to Food schedule Day 197: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 188: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomdoros -7 hrs deliveries -didn't accept the last delivery in order to get back home in the agreed time with apartment mates 1 Thing I could do better -When feeling sleepy do visualization

11 May - 16 May: I spent most of 11 May (Saturday) writing my report and organizing myself for days to come. I think I got some good work done overall, or at least started on the projects: 1) I visited my family on Sunday. We went through the next moves regarding my grandma's kitchen. I want to do something, but intelligently and not in a rush. 2) I visited my general practitioner on Monday, asked for and got vouchers to visit four other inspections: two X-rays (one of my feet and one of my thorax), to a proctologist and an ear doctor. I have four or five inspections coming in the next week; I'm also going to visit my dentist. Also used a dishwasher for the first time in my life, though we don't have that many dishes to fill it 😄 3) Finished filing my taxes on Tuesday. 4) "Researched" a surprise for my girlfriend - a skating course on Wednesday. Also looked into getting us mosquito nets for windows. Both are still in process. Went to my mom's exhibition of paintings in the evening. 5) Had 7 courses of English on Thursday (yesterday), so I didn't have much time to do anything else. 6) On top of that, the usual stuff. Sadly, I also watched porn three times after being clean for about a month. I reached out to my girlfriend who in turn reached our to her therapist, whom she meets for specialized support to deal with her eating disorder/bulimia.