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Which is why you're not telling me how great your clients said your PT sessions were lol

Hit the gas mate, every day you wake up, the count is 0 🙂

Entry 08.05 (Written on 09.05) Day 587: No Useless Videos Day 584: Sticking to Food schedule Day 188: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 179: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros yet again -4 hrs physical activity -going to two nterviews 1 Thing I could do better -The sae as yesterday, stop the napping momentum of two hours which I'm building as a habit - Limit naps to half hour and see how it goes when I'm extra tired do job search because its a less demanding activity

May 9 (morning again) Gratitude: ~ I wasn't discouraged enough during my warm-up walk to not enter the gym. I was able to remind myself that my mood would likely stay low-ish if I didn't try to do something. It was a compromise of hack squats, between going all-out as planned and giving in to 'just chest pressing' ~ I got to watch the sky turn from dark to light whilst actually lifting! ~ the curry I was able to make last night and finish eating an hour ago ~ y'all's participation here online 😉 _______________________ It was never easy, feeling like I was the only one taking (sometimes foolish) steps forward in social situations with the family, and in primary school. I chose to take the easier path of socialising online, also feeling like I couldn't chase my dad up for advice every night after he'd moved out. I think that in the beginning on Mondays, after spending the weekend with him, I arrived for some very happy high-school days because I hadn't 'needed' gaming. My then-best friend had a harder time whilst we were studying together because it was only his mom and sometimes grandmother too, and he even told me that he felt it was up to him to take care of the household, at thirteen. When one of those two brothers I chatted with last weekend asked me if my parents were one of those separations, or whether I simply had 'two Christmases', I wanted to say both, but the honest matter was that I had 2 at least - 'Spoilt', I said. Today at the gym, I took note of two people who were training. One I only overheard greeting another in a slightly-camp but also very loving way, and wished I were that far into relationships with women I fancy. The other was a very lean and slightly muscular man a few years older than me, who looked fairly intimidated as he waited for his personal trainer to set up some weights for him. The gym was packed with people. I wanted to take a few steps over and say 'this morning is going to go well for you, and if not, I've got your back', but I felt like I had to wait for eye contact, or else we'd miss that initial moment of trust to advance from. It's silly, but my improvisational talking ability when I feel things like that suffers quite a bit still. Maybe next time. Gotta get up again. Til later, ~ Matt

4 May - 8 May: Traveled around with my girlfriend a bit more again. We cleared up some future holiday/traveling expectations and planning as well. It wasn't easy to communicate these things, but I believe we are on the same page now and we don't need to clash about it in the future. The weather wasn't as good yesterday and today, but we still managed the trips.

True, that's often how I got by with a long line of pizza orders ahead. 😛 I also wonder if Po should use this book he recommended to answer you! I'm only 2/3 finished reading it. (edit: p184-187, wow! - 'the courage to be disliked')

I guess people/actors enter a trance-like experience when they perform. Sure, they have some skills we don't have, but I also think they calibrate themselves towards the performance too. I think theatre actors are mainly interested in these states/benefits and that's why they do their jobs. I'm curious. How do you understand the word "meritocracy"? What is it in your eyes? From the way I understand it, good performers get a raise, get recognition/good feedback etc. To link up to what I wrote above, let's say I want to visit a play in a classical theatre. I pay my time (and normally some money too) and I expect a certain level of performance from the actors. They don't need to be the best and do their best on that day, but the idea here is I can't "see through them" whether they mess something up. I think if the institution put together a bunch of amateurs with little experience/little finesse/little care, I'd have every right to be unhappy with their lack of skill. I'd prefer to watch a bunch of average professionals who know their business, likely who got to the theatre play based on merit and who worked their way up from being amateurs at first. (Note I am not arguing whether some jobs should be paid more/less or whether being a CEO is more valuable than being a regular worker.)

It's been a week since my last post, A week has passed since my last post, yesterday I played for a few hours and because of that I only slept for 5 hours. I feel bad, but I don't look into this feeling. Tired again. I played because I'm stressed the next day at work, whether I'll do everything right, whether the tasks I had planned but didn't do will cause me problems. I also played so I wouldn't feel lonely because I could talk to my friends. I have huge problems concentrating, it took me about 30 minutes to write this short post. I need to bring back my inner voice, it was silenced some time ago. I'm starting to add more things to my action plan again and it's already become too much. I need to update my priorities. 1. Sleep well 2. Stop browsing YouTube, Twitch, Facebook (unless for a specific purpose) 3. Exercise 4. Limit listening to music - don't listen to it when you need to concentrate (or listen to music that will help you focus), find time in complete silence, it's best to go outside in the evening and think. 5. Diet - better nutrition, no sweets and sweet drinks 6. Writing assignments on the board in my room. I don't know if it's too much, but that's all I would like to change in the near future, I'll see in a week if I have any chance of following these points. If it doesn't work, don't change it, just remove the ones that cause me the most problems. I'm starting to understand the impact writing about my problems has on my well-being. Thank you all for being here!

Welcome, I'm so glad that you came to visit my journal and added something from yourself! I'm just looking for that balance. Sometimes it is difficult for me to refuse something from someone who uses me, but I am slowly resisting. I find that I prefer to be nice to people who are nice to me. Before, I was nice to literally everyone.

May 8 A few times now, being halfway through this book @Pochatok recommended me, I've wanted to go back and 'school' the community on my RPG(s), or at least assert things better. I remember 10+ years ago on another version when my 'separation of tasks' was 'good', and I mainly encouraged people who had some kind of vision already. I know that creating an image and trying to get people to follow that is ultimately not what I want. E.G., a few times I had to get my butt handed back to me while playing the game to remind me of the value in that; I went in too 'strong' at first. Some people still confused me back then, of course. One time, I didn't 'forthrightly' enough ask a cafe in the process of closing if I could borrow their can opener for my communal can of fish to share with two other teenagers, as an elderly lady who was listening told me afterward - perhaps on other days being of similar character to those who lament not being offered a young person's seat in exactly the right manner. Before I'd met those teenagers, I was an A-grade performer in offering up my seat on public transport. _________________ I remember the moment I received 'the best loot' I'd ever had on my online game early this year. I wasn't in the middle of anything pressing - in fact, I actually carelessly said out loud that 'I love you Jesus (this is the moment)' almost without any attachment. I knew that the odds were something like the equivalent of 300 hours' of the same gaming 'experience' (to use one word), but it probably felt the same as winning the lottery would. I would ask anyone, "Do you know the biggest relief? That nobody would really care about the first event. Because winning the lottery would surely be one of the worst things that could happen to me, I think." Sure, I told my Dad about it, because I wanted to convince him that I was unattached to the result of that gaming session, and that I would indeed be giving it up any week then-about - and I helped him understand that it was only 'worth' a very small fraction of a week's real-world salary - but mostly that I felt undeserving of that reward, because of how little fun I was having with other people when I got it. That's something I've just admitted to myself. _________________ Gratitude: ~ only getting rained on for 5 minutes whilst out ~ not letting myself become significantly angry - I still feel like I can't convince myself quickly enough verbally of what I think I already know about upsetting situations when alone, but there remains a success ~ today hasn't seemed to hinge on my planned workout's completion, probably because I beat a lot of discomfort on this morning's walk - might update with what I actually do, again ~ the friendliness in a new shop I visited this afternoon Happy Wednesday, ~ Matt

Entry 07.05 (Written on 08.05) Day 586: No Useless Videos Day 583: Sticking to Food schedule Day 187: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 178: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros -0.5 hr visualization in sun -1 hr run at the gym i used to work 1 Thing I could do better -Limit naps to half hour and see how it goes.

According to Adlerian psychology, it's just from interpersonal relationships, isn't it? Which one(s) do you think? 🫠 EDIT: Whilst that is almost exactly what I'd say to a friend (or comrade?) at moments of busy-mindedness (had they recommended me something to read that was changing their life positively and was half of the reason that I felt busy!), I'm sorry if that's too short or brief. This forum should have a more formal edge to it than instant-messaging or offline 'chit-chat'. 9 days, wicked!

- The tasks of pizza-making and doing the dishes were perfectly relevant to me. If I were less intolerant of people exercising control over me, or if my boss were less intolerant of dissenting opinions, perhaps I would have continued to move heaven and earth for him and the others there. - People have told me to try all sorts of things, but today I only realised that I'm now pretty much more afraid of not working than I am engaging in proper dissent. Each time I was 'righteously indignant' and paused, or turned to face my boss, he'd immediately say 'No, please, just make the pizzas!'. a) I feel like my spatial awareness and planning abilities are set in place. What it seems I have to simply do is pay more attention to people and things so that I can learn from them. That's what I try to do, without upsetting people or things that I don't know very well. b) Yeah, it always kind of made sense, my boss being good at 'slapping together' a pizza and its ingredients but not really enjoying the repetition and process as I did. I guess the difference between it and clicking around on my game was that I felt bad when I didn't click fast or accurately enough, and could result in loss of e-value. Certainly, topping a pizza 'incorrectly' with a piece of salami was as easily-fixed as kind of a reflex. It literally seemed like art; painting a food-picture. I liked it. But I don't think I should expect to be able to, even with others' help, transform my old workplace into the happy space it once was (I came to know it in the final years as a very depressing space). I am still applying for work in kitchens 25% of the time.

There is an important distinction between nice and kind, imo! Sometimes, being kind means not being nice, and vice versa. I always try to lead with kindness- as in, I want the best for you. That can mean saying something that's difficult for the other person to listen to. It can also mean saying something nice. But I never put nice-ness as the goal- often, it can be subverted into lying/evading/manipulating others. I'm nice when it helps me be kind, not the other way around. Just my 2c- look forward to hearing more about your journey! So glad to see you passionate about change and learning ❤️

Brief update: day 9. writing this after some significant struggle- about 30mins lost to some escapism. not sure where it came from, not sure why i needed it. i am not sure what it is i am running from- and i want to find out. i'll sit through it next time it's around. i don't want to dissociate. this world is too precious, and nothing i can really take for granted.

Hope you are able to continue with your 90 day journey. Day 4 for me.

How is the job search coming along? Is there anything relevant for you? I think going somewhere for a few hours a day, learning something new, providing value to other people and getting paid in the process is a good idea overall 😄 I actually listen to game soundtracks fairly often, because they are good pieces for work or fit my mood and I know them. I don't really search for any new soundtracks though, as I am not involved in gaming anymore. I found some new artists later on too, but for me the categories are "I listened to *this* when I was 15, 18, 21, 24." without any strings attached. I still have gaming related thoughts and dreams regardless, but no urges, as I don't want to go back to who I was when I gamed. "Clicking around" is a part of many jobs, so it is a skill, or at least a part of some skills. It doesn't matter if they're paid or not, but people normally give others money for things they don't want to do themselves. I don't know what the most viable definition of a "man" is. I only know that it has to be natural and come from within you. I know it's good to align words with actions and focus on things that matter. I think that these are surprisingly universal and are a part of my monthly reports (social - family/friends/girlfriend, work, health/exercise).

I spend too much time trying to become perfect and not enough time taking action - that's was and still is my problem. I was looking for various tips and instructions on the Internet on how to do something better. After you mentioned this program, I saw it and it's great, I will definitely use it No, after what you wrote to me, I realized that this was not what I meant and indeed my statements could have been misleading. Everything's okay.

I had played games as a kid and probably had a problem then and did give up when I was in college for two decades. I recently got back into gaming by some peculiar way. I had a gift card that had expired for cash redemption and could only get prizes. My wife suggested the game system since it was the pandemic and other than work I just stayed home for 3 years and had zero connection to the outside world. At first the gaming DID give me that connection. It was also fun to see how I could balance gaming with all of my other responsibilities with family, exericise, other hobbies, work, home, and the list goes on and on. I did always have some sleep issues but gaming made it worse where I would start waking up early and couldn't get back to sleep since I was thinking about trying to find time for the games before I had to to all of the other stuff. My sleep got worse and I eventually dropped lower priority hobbies. I then started realizing I was having a problem. My mind was telling me stuff like it is ok to drop this hobby for awhile. The sleep loss was also taking a toll on me physically. I had heard about game quitters actually through a spiritual( hindu ) community I am involved with as the guru prohibits games and someone suggested this site. I liked Cam's honest approach and also not demonizing games. I DO think there is some benefit gained from games. In my time playing some games like Astroneer or Minecraft or others, I did start to develop an intense interest in exploring deeply the natural world. My main issue was the addictive quality. Previous games were becoming boring and I was starting to constantly search for new games to play that were better. It was an endless search and also trying new games out. It takes awhile with modern games to learn. I am in Day 4 of my detox. So far I have already been sleeping better and I have gotten other stuff done. Games had a grip on my mind where I almost could not do other stuff because there was a pull to the system with any time that was not filled with pressing needs. I do have some negative emotions like sadness about giving up the activity. I am asking myself if I will have to quit for good. But for now I do know I have to take some time off. I don't know how much time.

Entry 06.05 (Written on 07.05) Day 585: No Useless Videos Day 582: Sticking to Food schedule Day 186: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 177: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -8 pomodoros (awesome 🙂 ) -2.5 hrs job search -about 4.5 hrs physical activity 1 Thing I could do better -Got to finish 8 pomodoros earlier and job search so that I leave on time for deliveries stat, so that I may go to sleep on time. (8 hours. Not 7 or 6)

May 6-7 (Wow, it's actually been 2 days!) Gratitude: ~ slept like a baby *sigh* ~ emotionally tuned up, though without a full library of good responses ~ the personality of my new job agent (so bubbly it's almost scary) ~ discounted (and new-ish) protein bread _______________ I'm probably going for my first jog in a few weeks, so will keep it achievable (5km or 3-4 miles). I did my share of lifting the last 8-10 days and the next workout should be a slow hammering of my quadriceps, so I just want to make sure I still have cardio and mobility before it. ^ EDIT: It was only a regular walk with a long-feeling sit at the park. I had some disappointing texts with my dad, so I did the usual thinking spiral. All I'm really going to do is ignore my phone for a day or two. Still unfortunate, but that's the best I can do. It seems like the more information I share with him, the poorer the reception, and the more tempting it is to shut myself off completely by immersing myself in a game, in utter despair. I have to be careful how far I go with my conclusions about that, I know, but that as pattern, which has seemed more and more recognisable, is not healthy. I really am afraid - not of pure rejection by others, but of 'going over the top' with what and how much I say. This keyboard is almost a better friend than my mouth or fingertips at my phone. Miserable, right? But I did fairly well on Saturday's night out; I don't think I've mentioned how it actually went yet. ^--> One mate turned up again for the first time since our last movie viewing, and it was less awkward speaking to him than last. Afterward, I walked back to public transport with another guy I've talked to a lot, and on the way we found a 3rd member who had met up with his younger brother. I ended up staying with the brothers and taking transport back over the course of like 90 minutes! I was kind of apologetic for perhaps not living up to my 30 years of age, and earned a few (I think) jibes from the younger brother, but it was as nice of an introduction as I can imagine. Now I think about it, the major reason for my speaking to younger adults is so they might be less likely to slip up/feel as bad as I think I did. ______________ Out of nowhere, I came back to studying the road user's handbook; 10% closer, added to the previous 60% - a now long-term project, as well as revision of the notes perhaps instead of a straight re-read of the book. The job agent was very encouraging on this matter. My regular psychologist session rolled around yesterday, and aside from a couple things I felt obliged to mention, I levelled with them enough that I was then encouraged to ask a direct question, not just out of self-pity but wonder, about whether this second planned recovery from gaming should be as difficult. The 'come-down' from any addictive fix was acknowledged in a tough but compassionate manner. It's surprising how I cherish words like that now, which haven't just come from myself. _______________ Had another gaming dream, but very few compulsions and even fewer actual ideas of what I would enjoy clicking on. I've been thinking about how showering discomfort used to be the worst suffering I dealt with. "Lyke, what's tha deal now, yo?" lol That's all for now. Peace, ~ Matt

Best of luck. You are doing a really hard thing but it is so worth it in the end. All my best wishes.

Hi! I just hit the two week mark in quitting video games. It was really hard, I had cravings, fatigue, and headaches in the first few days. The game quitters website really helped me though, it kind of has formed a place to touch base in the first parts of my recovery, and so I wanted to say that this forum is really validating for me. Gaming can be so made fun of, so having a place where it is taking seriously is nice.

Hey you’ve already made a huge first step in admitting the problem. You can’t change things you’ve done, you can only have empathy for why you did them and better yourself for tomorrow. Forgive, but don’t forget.

Spot-on with my experience, especially waking up early. And really good reply @pdallair91. Getting honest answers about myself from myself + others is important to me too. I imagine it's good to have that front of mind and ways to help that work.