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Entry 11.8 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2767(80th birthday) Day 208: No Useless Videos Day 1040: Sticking to Food schedule Day 643: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 21: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Afternoon workout (Legs Chest Stairs) - 5-6 concentrated units of apt search (Didn't write ending time of 6th so don't know whether to count that_ - 2 Pomodoros  1 Thing I could do better - Go more thoroughly through my questions list with the lady that called unexpectedly regarding apartments, not just skimming. I was feeling a lot of scarcity I guess and wasn't willing to ask too many questions because of it, out of fear that she'll judge me being too picky.. Or wasting her time. But those things need to be asked still.  Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 210

Entry 10.8 (Written on 10.8 posted on 11.8 to enforce sleep deadline) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2766 (80th birthday) Day 207: No Useless Videos Day 1039: Sticking to Food schedule Day 642: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 20: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Long morning jog - Writing deadline time when i was late from finishing dinner as written yesterday - 4 Pomodoros  1 Thing I could do better - Begin writing gq entry sooner, almost forgot it and went to sleep without it =/ Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 209

Monday afternoon: A good portion of the time, people can talk to me (or at me) and not be bothered by my not completely keeping eye contact, as long as it looks like I'm thinking/listening in mostly silence. Not quite so with Wheatbiscuit Senior. My earliest memories of his attempts to impart knowledge and wisdom unto me were punctuated by casually-commanding 'listen to me, now' utterances - almost reprimands. I understood that was the situation, but I had to look away to think about how the new knowledge would fit in to my world - aside from hoping to convey a wish that it could be forestalled just a little longer for me to continue play (real, offline child's play). I never entirely kicked the habit. Just now, it seemed to make him nervous, especially as I probably looked/sounded dull over the phone before meeting him. The point is, that significant recurring behaviour of mine is soon forgotten for many other things. You guys also might know that when under any persistent stress, those reprimands become what perhaps my brother and I alone consider overly forceful demands to remedy the situations of our parent(s). This, I have read, could be called 'parentification'.  Back in the day, we got by on books and immediate family for a living. Soon, I began to discover that people were asking me more and more frequently whether I 'lived under a rock'. Sometimes I meagrely admitted such - other times, I felt just plain bad. So I used the internet; I picked up trends, and I stuck with the same online role-playing game for 20 years - ours used to be popular.  Books could have been the entire world for my parents' self-improvement and learning. It may have been urgent and natural to stay glued to and understand a textbook all through the night and day, except for sport/work. Until I'd read Harry Potter more than twice, that's how I felt too. Fast forward 4 years since 'The Deathly Hallows', and I couldn't take joy or much understanding from a school-assigned novel, Mary Shelley's 'Frankenstein'. I don't quite remember now, but I definitely went over the book a second time (the first reading was supposed to be completed over Summer holidays - fat chance with me). You might know how it goes; man creates, creation feels alone, creature demands female companion-creature, man (still horrified at what he has done) refuses, creature takes revenge on man's family, and man in turn is lowered to revenge against his own creation. Don't ask me why I had to go over that.  Today's problem is - do I chase behind the progress of those who seem 'less-afflicted' than me, but whom also quite simply haven't got dark frames of mind readily available in theirs as I do? Do I choose to talk a whole lot of sh** again, and instead of backing myself up, this time apologise when I think I've gone too far, before I'm even asked? Maybe I would, but for sedative medication, and the (recent - 3 years now) general sensitivity to what is allowed to take new roots psychologically/emotionally in my head. I'm telling you, there is too much to scroll through even if we don't block it and everything else out, by gaming. Hmph. Should be seeing y'all near this time tomorrow. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Two new pieces of eccentric-ish clothing ~ Read a short way into a new fiction novel - medieval, like my problem-RPG - yummy ~ New cracker and walnut combo ~ All else aside, a somewhat fast month (since last therapy session for tomorrow)

Today I deleted the last data I had on my phone, my laptop and my stationary PC concerning gaming. It was a big relief, but also felt a bit scary. I think the hardest part was deleting the long list of games I had put together in my notes app. I really made an effort organizing it and coming up with various interesting games of different genres. To me that was half the fun of gaming; just organizing and checking off boxes. I know this is a slightly autistic thing as I do the same for various other things in life. As long as it doesn't become the main priority of engaging with stuff I don't see any harm in it.  I also went and saw the new horror film Weapons. What a refreshing surprise that was! I can strongly recommend it to anyone with the slightest interest in the horror genre. Especially if you like creative and disturbing horror, in the likes of Hereditary and Us.

@Cam Adair Thanks for bringing the forum back on line, it was very tough going without the diary and support here. I don't have a favourite player, i watch it just to pass the time. I still cant understand the pattern of failure 4 years on. I got into a challenging job, i was pushing my limits, but then my health got worse. Two years into that job, I wasn’t sure i wanted to carry on with it and wanted something different. I went after many iterations, making proposals to businesses, but so far nothing has come of it. There was far more energy when i was starting the first detox. I relapsed into things like tv shows, sports and comedy.  I am past detoxes. I scan the forum to see people recovering and do things that appear impossible to me.