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  2. Day 73 | Work: 0p | Music: 16p | Misc: CGAA What a fantastic weekend! I went socializing on friday, so on saturday and sunday I just chilled with music, as is my prefered way of chilling 😄 Finished my Furiosa string theme! I was extremely proud of it and the excitement of sending it to people and collecting that validation is the best feeling ever ha! Next step is to make a similar string theme, but my own original composition so we'll see how much I really learned hehe. It felt great making it, even better showing it off, and I learned a ton. I only applied very basic mixing&mastering though so I didn't get to as close as possible to the original, but I'll actually re-mix/re-master it just a liiiitle bit during next week and then post it here. I don't want to spend too much time on it, but I do want to fiddle a tiny bit more. Regardless, I need a lot of time for the original theme and the thesis deadline is uncomfortably close soooo I might even postpone this until after I'm done and just go full-throttle on my thesis. I'll think about it. Friday was... weird. We had a bit of a product-launch party with the company, at an outdoors bar. That was really fun, but then towards the end, one of our co-workers started feeling very dangerously unwell so we had to take care of that, then went to a coffeeshop and I got WAAAYY too high. I could barely speak, time felt like stretching and compressing all the time, I seriously wasn't sure which century I'm in. So I just kinda stared at a wall, walked around, enjoyed the outside, went home and slept for 12 hours lol. Didn't like it at all. Weed just doesn't do it for me. I sent the Furiosa remake to my dad and he spilled his entire world of insecurity on me again, right after trashing the track as an absolute garbage and making himself into a victim and blaming me for rejecting his opinion. I know he's doing it to survive, to preserve his ego. Because in his world, it's impossible to achieve the dreams I have. And if I make steps to achieve them, he will try to slow me down as much as possible because in case I do achieve them, it would only mean his life was a lie. It's just simple ego survival. I try to keep this in mind and that he's really a hurting person in coping, not a malevolent person.
  3. Today
  4. RB1

    Journal

    Day 36: Limited Youtube - day 0 Very important moment for me. I've got to cut this Youtube shit out. I've always known I've had to deep deep (deep deep deep) down, but I've never admitted it. I've always used it as a source to study since I learn way better and faster watching a video than from reading, but I've got to be honest with myself with the way I use it. Calculating all the time I spend on youtube, it's probably like 10% studying and 90% just dicking around. And that's when I'm active in school! I'm not taking classes at the moment, so it's been 1% studying, 99% dicking around. I convinced myself when beginning this detox that I just had to stop watching gaming content on youtube, but I've just gotta stop using this website period. I've cut out gaming and gaming content in the last 36 days, but I've still spent a tremendous amount of time on youtube. It's just shifted from gaming content to video podcasts, clips from TV shows, political content, celebrity content, and all this other crap that isn't important to me. The politics and the podcasts could be educational, but I'm not watching those videos with the intent to learn anything right now. I'm just trying to kill time. Its sad how quickly I went from watching youtube gaming content of my favorite gamers to my favorite celebrities since it illustrates how much I'd rather watch others enjoy and improve their lives than my own. I've been afraid to admit it since it's really the last big layer of my heavy video game, internet, screen, etc. addiction. Once I toss this out of the list of things I can do, I've really got nothing left to hide behind. Youtube has been always this zone of comfort for me, especially since beginning this detox. I took one giant step out of my comfort zone by banning gaming and gaming content, but I never took the full leap. Cutting out youtube would be that leap. I didn't think this 5 weeks ago, but this might actually be scarier for me than giving up gaming and watching gaming content itself. I feel like a turtle without its shell just thinking about it. When beginning the detox, I had all this extra time that I didn't know what to do with. I put a lot of it into being more socially active (good), some into exercising (good), some into reading and studying (good), but I put the majority of it into watching other content on youtube (horrible). Once I cut out youtube, I'm really gonna have to get out of my comfort zone and figure out what to do with whatever free time I have. It's crazy to think how afraid I am of having free time. I should be so grateful for whatever free time I have left and should want to use it in a way that's good for me, but I'm actually afraid of it. I know the boredom it's going to make me face, which I know will lead to some depression, which I know will lead to further cravings. I don't know how I could be so afraid of giving this up when the gain from it is more free time. It's like I don't know what to do with myself since maybe I don't actually know myself. God, why am I afraid of this? I think it's because now I'm REALLY going to have to face myself, and I'm afraid of what I'll see. Someone more boring than I thought, weaker than I thought, not as smart, not as interesting, someone lacking character, someone much, much lazier than I thought... God just so many negative things come to mind when trying to be honest with myself. With that being said, I've got to take this step and officially take the real leap in my detox. I think it's gonna be like the first two painful weeks all over again. With this though, I'll officially have nothing left to hide behind. I hope I get through this. I hope it doesn't throw me into some immediate relapse, because I think that's possible. Here's how I'm gonna deal with this new addition of my detox I will start by making a 120 minute timer per day on youtube using the chrome extension, "StayFocused." Once I feel like the addiction gets easier, I'll cut it down to 60 minutes, then maybe 45 or even 30 minutes Based on how I feel, I might just make it so I can't use youtube at home, since that's where I always procrastinate on the site. When I'm at school or at a library is when I really use it practically. I'll make a, "limited youtube" counter below the day entree of each post. I'll see how long this lasts Once I relapse, I'll set a certain number of days that I can't use youtube, where if I relapse in that time period, I relapse for the entire detox and have to start back at day 0 I don't know how this is going to go, but cheers to big change.
  5. I think it would be cool if you could record your voice for journals. Some days you just don't have the time or just want to do it quickly. I think it could also be used to practice speaking in general, to work on structure.
  6. First day almost done. Deleted all games last night before bed. Started thinking about the insane amounts of hours I've put in some of them, but yeah.. what's the point. Cleared my phone too, though I haven't really gamed on it that much. Day went surprisingly well, managed to do some cleaning and prepped food for next week. Have to start working on a course that I have to return by sunday. I've had 3 months to do it, and haven't even started Just being lazy, avoiding and building up stress all summer. Still spent few hours just browsing the net.. part of me wants to go super strict on this, but I wonder if that's going to backfire. It has before. Have to think about it more next week, I'll focus on no games for now. Plan for tomorrow: keep myself busy with school work, really have to get it done. Planned it out and think I can get it done by friday if I manage to put in the hours.
  7. Day 53 - Good mood still, more confidence Damn, I feel like the shit. What I need to remember is, not let this mood get to my head. I don't want to become lazy. I just gotta be rational and hold my head up. Yesterday I was with my family after getting of work. It was my nephew's birthday. It was nice. I got him a watergun, but he got so much gifts that he couldn't even get excited about it hahah. I talked with my sister's husband about girls. I realized I don't show women that I'm into them. I need to show some affection in the future. I'm a pretty passive person. I need to open up more, be direct with people. Today I didn't plan to do anything really. My friend called our group to go for some coffee. And in the end only I accepted the invitation. We had a nice conversation. Talked about girls and philosophized a bit. He talked to me about his previous relationships with women. It's interesting. Now, i got a lot more insight into women. We also ended up having this deep conversation about death and birth, and god. We shared some theories. It was quite interesting. I'm glad I went out. Probably would've stayed home and watched youtube all day otherwise. Going to my second kickbox class tomorrow. Pretty excited. I'm gonna fit in some copywritting in tomorrow. Need to get some work done. I'm excited for tomorrow, whatever it holds! Just want to improve everyday. HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY 👐👐👐.
  8. Hey guys well today is my 8th day and Im still on a streak of my longest time not gaming. It was super difficult yesterday. I had super bad cravings and I almost gave in but I kept pushing myself. I also was depressed because of a girl I like and I want her to like me back but I feel powerless and not motivated to success because I can’t get a girlfriend or her so I say to myself why should I succeed if I can’t share it with someone. I want the success so I don’t procrastinate but I do now because I can’t get a girl I like which actually made me bored yesterday so I decided to procrastinate and not work on success which caused the cravings I think. But even though I procrastinated on work the cravings didn’t win because I decided to watch YouTube videos on success and Netflix. Even though my day wasn’t productive and it was boring and depressive I still didn’t let the cravings win which is considered a overall win in my book. Today is a little better. I’m not procrastinating but I still can’t get my mind off this girl. I just really like her and I wish she felt the same or if there is a way to convince her otherwise I would love to do that. I don’t really know I guess we will finish today and just keep on seeing what happens.
  9. Thanks for your post man 🙂 I am somehow successful with not being that much in front of my screen, but I somehow feel I have to stop completely. Its like you drink a bit alcohol everyday. Your dopamin system cant restart, it still wants to chill with youtube etc. So most of the other things arent so fun anymore. But I am not sure how to do that The good thing is that I personally never ever put the internet above real contacts with people. When some friends call me I love to do something with them. Sadly I lost nearly every friend(well I doubt I had a ‚real‘ friend) with the start of med school. And in med school everybody just learn for it. So its hard to get new friends. And this is the point. I think I would feel a lot better with friends. Even just fun-friends not the ‚real‘ ones. I have to see how I get those back RB ill try to follow your journal 🙂 Lately learning goes better again, thats good. Yea otherwise not much to say currently. Ill try to post more frequently
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  11. Day 27. "Business vs pleasure" 13 pushups & 26 situps per day - Been losing a bit of weight. Because of how busy I've been and how tired I've been and how late I arrived at home, I missed a day, the first one. And yesterday the second one because I was so tired. Today I'm writing like a maniac to get my deadline, so I might lose another day to that. I hope to reset this habit soon. I've been postponing the writing often. I usually search for whatever needs doing, chores, etc... I do those first, so I'm spending my time rather productively instead of scrolling my phone mindlessly. But it's still procrastination. My deadline is this Tuesday. I'm a little bit scared. Or stressed. But I'm sure it'll be fine. Recent highlight: Watching Chernobyl, in the middle of a blanket fort, with my girlfriend. Soooooo comfortable. I love my couch when it's pulled out all the way. Budget status: It's going to be a good month. Had a few last minute bookings. I'm making 1500 before taxes from my freelancing. If I could improve this 1 more step and keep it up, I could do this full time. We're very much not at that point yet. But this is a step in the right direction. My one goal for the next 24h: Write. Write like my life depends on it. Trigger some form of creative mania and lose myself in that madness and make an amazing product.
  12. Thanks man! The next 2 days will probably be quite stressful. But I'm sure I'll manage. I like what I do and am eager to make the best out of it. Nobody expects me to be a radio wizard on day 1. It's going to be in Dutch, though XD I've been told it will air live and then, because it's a radioplay like 'War Of The Worlds', it's going to be brought out like a podcast. So I'm sure you might be able to get it if you were so inclined.
  13. Ha, that seems like me about half a year ago. Strangely enough, I did manage to find a gf, yet unsurprisingly, she would be addicted to her phone. I guess since we have been this way for a longer time, where our friendships were either defined by common addiction or/and very superficial, it takes time to find different people for the next stage of our life. I guess I was "lucky" enough to not even make any shut-in friends that I would feel bad for leaving behind after I stopped gaming and streaming. I also recently came up with the concept of "The real work comes after you come back from work." and I quite like it, though it is not obvious some people feel better at home than at work, though majority would like to think that.
  14. CALL SOMEBODY !! This is the most important thing and it is never mentioned in this community. Pick up the phone and start dialing! For real, addiction means the brain is physically damaged and to try and brute-force through the cravings with sheer willpower is a path to hell. Call any friend, you don't have to talk about the issue at hand if you don't want to, just ask what's up, how are things, exchange some stories, get out of your head and off your keyboard.
  15. Marines! I have been in the military for 2 years myself. I also discovered Jocko Willink's podcast on YT, he is an ex-SEAL member and definitely has a powerful message.
  16. DAY 38: I am so sorry that I have not been updating this journal. I just don't feel a need to. Life is just too mundane really. Maybe I'll keep updating this, I don't know.
  17. Day 5: No gaming I am on track again :) Going to go for the 90-day detox :) I feel the energy
  18. I'm 43 weeks free of gaming and I feel like it has really opened my eyes about people, life, lifestyles, and purpose. One of the issues I'd like to highlight this week is that I've constantly been complaining about fake people. I think I have multiple "friends" who put zero effort into any friendships. These people are the introverted, meek, shut ins who do not socialize with others, don't talk to others about their problems, and don't talk to you about yours. Zero effort and pathetic altogether. I have so many friends who are addicted to video games who just work 8 hours a day, play video games 8-10 hours a day, and sleep the remainder. They make no effort to socialize, mate, or improve their lives or fix their problems. They just escape into this cesspool called the internet where they can hide from everything instead of face their problems. I'm fucking tired of being involved with people who have no social skills whatsoever. Just garbage. I'm going to highlight an example of this. I accepted being the best man at my acquaintance's wedding this November. I want to highlight that I used the word "acquaintance" and not "friend". I have known this person for 9 years now. We have had 10 phone conversations this year, 0 in 2018, 0 in 2017, 3 in 2016, less than 5 from 2013-2015. We only hang out at giant barbecues and holiday parties myself or friends have thrown and hosted. He doesn't communicate or put any effort into his other friends either. Nobody talks to him. He makes no effort to reach out and doesn't tell you anything in his life. The consequences of this is that he hasn't received any acceptance RSVPs for the wedding. Only 3 people accepted. His own cousin, who he wanted in his groom party, asked me if I was a real person because the groom "has no friends and he didn't believe we were real". Who says that? Who does that? This weekend was a disaster because my other friend and I were stuck planning his bachelor party. We planned an amazing 4 day spread. We camp on Thursday night, morning hike to see the sunrise on a beautiful and easily hike-able mountain, brewery tour on a tour bus for 4 breweries including dinner at a top notch restaurant, sky diving, camping, nice restaurant, a harbor cruise at sunset, dinner at a 5 star restaurant in the city overlooking the skyline, and ending with a nice toast to a future. The weekend was ruined. He and his sister canceled the hike, the harbor cruise, the camping, the eating at restaurants, and the skydiving was canceled due to inclement weather. All we did was a fantastic brewery tour that my friend organized, a shitty indoor skydiving trip, and lunch at the wrong restaurant. And the funny thing was that the other people in the wedding party kept asking "What are we doing next?". HAAHAHAAHA.........!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are doing nothing because they were fucking canceled! I don't want to be the best man anymore. I did it out of pity because he has no friends. On top of that, his wife to be is A FUCKING FAT CUNT. Complete piece of shit. She forced him to move almost 1,000 miles away from home. He settled with her and she's just a trash heap. Controlling personality, a bully to him to get what she wants, and has cheated on him. He has given up and won't try dating anyone because he can't communicate. I'm tired of being associated with meek losers who hide behind the computer and can't communicate. These people who don't care about making friends or living life. Just what their guild, character, gaming community, favorite streamer, or subreddit is up to. Nothing else. Stop fucking hiding and live your fucking life no matter how hard or easy it is. I've had to deal with this revelation that most of the people I met from college are these personality types. My goal over the next couple years is finding the handful of real friends who listen to you, share their life with you, and value you. Social media and the internet have turned friendship into a numbers game and not a valued service. People care about followers, likes, friends list sizes, and influence. This has resulted into people becoming selfish and unaware of how to communicate with others. Friendship has diminished and I'm tired of being around it. I now have to wrestle with the decision of canceling my role as best man for someone I've talked to less than 30 times in the past 5 years. Should be a no brainer, but is it? His life is miserable and he's lost. A real friend would help him through it. That's the struggle. I also don't want to hear about someone being offended that I criticized them for being a reddit and gaming lark.
  19. Day 111 No VG - 111 day streak, No SAH - 7 day streak, NF - 3 day streak I've been on fire the past 48 hours. Woke up this morning, had to help a bit with someone responding to something at work. That was ok. Had a date today in the afternoon. It went a bit longer than I expected, but we were both hungry so I ordered food. I was pretty at ease though I had the spotlight on myself when I was getting ready. I realized that this is for me to screen people, and I can say no too. It was empowering. I am looking for something more casual, and they want more of relationship. Seemed nice, but I didn't really feel too much that would make me want to change my direction. Afterwards, since I was in the area, I decided to hit up an improv practice. The coach didn't show up, so a group of us got drinks and chilled. It was beautiful out, and it was at a cool but mellow rooftop bar. Really enjoyed myself. As we were about ready to leave, someone suggested we go to a local park and do improv. It was myself, and four people brand new to improv. And while I'm still really new and bad, I assumed a coaching role of sorts, and I actually learned some from doing so. It was kind of weird doing that in public, but that's good practice for getting through inhibitions. We got some stares, but it's all good. Now I have to make a decision about if I'm going out tonight. The thing I've been running from for months. I do have a show tomorrow morning too. All improv all the time, baby. If I go for a bit, I can leave at 11:30. Get home by midnight, full night's sleep. All good. I'm not going to a club, but I'll go to a bar that seems like a club that's not too far away. My heart's pounding. I can't stop. I have to go.
  20. Day 71 | Work: 9p | Music: 0p | Misc: social Day 72 | Work: 0p | Music: 14p | Misc: CGAA
  21. RB1

    Journal

    The cravings finally gone from earlier... Realized how guilty and disappointed I would have been in myself if I relapsed. Made me realize how far I've come. Before I would've given in and felt guilty for a bit and told myself its ok and, "tomorrow will be the day I fix myself" and ended back in that self destructive loop I'm too familiar with. This also made me realize that it's time for me to take this detox to its next level. I've got to get rid of youtube. I've somehow convinced myself all this time I can still use youtube as long as I stay away from gaming, but I've spend a lotttttt of time on it in the last month without gaming channels. Once I'm back from my break on day 42, I've gotta cut that shit out... Gotta go right now, I'll continue this post later.
  22. TTT

    90 days

    Day 57 (fri): Good effort for most things. No games. Some erotic stuff. Finally did one of the procrastinating things, went down to 22 a day. Tons of good stuff today, yet total falls still. I like the direction of things, though. Habit Tracker: Good habits: 132; Procrastination: -712; Addictions: -68; Other bad habits: -20; Identity total: -668 Tomorrow: Do two more of the procrastinating list.
  23. Yesterday
  24. Days 32, 33, 34, and now 35 (5 weeks!) Starting with school definitely is the most challenging part of the year, and I noticed myself beginning a pattern in every beginning. While this beginning was simpler than others, I still found myself shaken to my core and searching for what my next job/degree, etc. would be. There wasn't anything overall challenging that day, but it definitely consumed me on the inside a bit. Definitely a reminder to speak to the people around you and not to keep things bottled up, even if it is just to get it in the open. In learning about the emotional self I am still working to prepare myself for what will happen in the work place. There is so much emotional baggage when it comes to teaching 300 elementary students. The bag gets more and more filled every year, especially noticeable as I began to go through my safety expectations with students and remind them that we have three men, myself included, who are either marines or have extensive training in defense and will not allow any bad people to harm them so their right to learn and enjoy school can be protected and is something that they don't need to worry. Their questions have certainly become more specific about "What Ifs" -- What if I'm out of the room? What if the bad guy uses me? -- All I can say is "Let me play the what if game. I need you to trust me on this." Then you also have a majority of students that are easy going but it is really challenging, even as an adult, to treat the challenging students the same. I still have emotions and still react internally, like knowing a student was talking about me behind my back. Really had to say no to the ego and think about how it is expected that not everyone will like you or be kind to you, there will be people (kids and adults alike) that betray our trust, and as the adult in the room it is my duty to show them a better way. From a human perspective, both of us being human, I am frustrated that a person would say things behind my back. But, the stoic self inside of me knows a few things. These kids, human, are still a fraction of my age. And even if an adult insulted me, that means I am doing something important and I have nothing to prove. I am going to enjoy the rest of the weekend and do non-work related things in the mean time! -Kris
  25. Thank you for the shoutout, @Tzen1 and I hope that your next plan will go well for you. When I received my first degree in music I was unable to teach and wound up being a substitute teacher for the first 5 years of my career. These were some of the most challenging, world-shaking years of my life. I believe that we each have several paths to take in our lives and that we can feel fulfilled in. I am looking forward to reading and hearing what your thoughts are along your current path and how it unfolds for you.
  26. RB1

    Journal

    Day 35: Week 5/13. Nearly half way Holllly shit I almost relapsed today without even really noticing. I've just been bored and in bed today and haven't had much energy to go do anything. Without really thinking about it, I got on youtube and typed in the name of a gaming channel I used to go to all the time. I just sat there scrolling through the channel looking at what new videos were out without clicking on any of them. All of a sudden, I remembered I'm on a detox and can't watch any of them. I exited out of the screen and just sat there thinking about what happened. Just visiting that page for 20-30 seconds had me heavily consider if I should just say, "screw it" and relapse and deal with the consequences later. I literally spent two hours craving heavily until I fell asleep. Took a nap and just woke up. Feeling like shit and still kind of want to go back to the page, but I'm in a little bit more of control now. I'm so glad I didn't relapse. Honestly didn't do anything today. I'll take not relapsing as enough of an accomplishment for the day though. Edit: Made it to the gym for a workout! Was a quick one, but at least I went 🙂
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