Whoa thanks for pushing me back! So many kind words, it's really helping me recover from that exam result.
@Schwing Nice new avatar, I like Guts!! He has just the right spirit. Too bad he can't kill the demons in his head...
Yea that's what it is. When I started my education, I didn't know what I wanted. I am now almost done with uni as a mechanical engineer, but the last stretch feels so long and frustrating. I'm kind of too old to still be sitting in classrooms, where everyone has to take a break every 45 minutes because the room smells like fart. I'm not saying I am omniscient, or that I got all that "down" what they teach me, but I'm so tired of listening anyways. It's the format of education that sucks and I can't change it. I can't quit either now, I'm too far, but I just shout and scream in my mind all day. I get furious inside like a caged gorilla, I could just bend the bars and tear the world up, but I need to stay in the cage and endure their ceremonies to get my treat. Frustrating.
So my purpose is lost on the way somewhere. I don't know what my purpose is behind those bars, but for now I choose a new purpose every day - to not go insane. Maybe that's too ADHD, but my mind is... well I quickly assess things, "get the hang", but I don't like practicing all day. I do what I do, and if I don't like it, I do something else. I believe all knowledge is connected, a drummer can be a good golf player - because he has learnt body control and to weave motions with gravity. I try to master all things that I admire or deem useful, and it's been a good way of living personally, but professionally you don't get anywhere. They don't want an engineer that's OK at engineering and OK at philosophy, wisdom, english, drawing, music, tinkering, sports, ... no. They want an engineer that's GOOD at engineering. And all the feedback I ever get from that conglomerate is that I'm mediocre on a good day. I'm not just this one skill!! I can do more than OK, if you don't bind me up in concrete. But no one gives a shit.
I'd like a lecture about Physics to include a walk through the forest. It would bring me pleasure seeing all these academic characters in another scenario outside their comfort zone. As they are, humans, imperfect - and that's OK! Learn to live with being imperfect, don't try to be perfect or to uphold a mirage such as omniscience. It doesn't exist, there is no perfect circle.
People often say that only young minds can be dynamic and flexible, but I don't believe that is true. It's just that everlasting routine that makes older people "unlearn" being flexible. They do the same shit 24/7 for decades, of course they are only good at that then.
This everlasting education is not what I wanted in this world though. It feels so depriving. I'm out of place, I don't want to be seen.
I hope I just get the hang of studying soon. Something good must happen someday, eh? I've already watched many videos by Elliot Hulse, many moons ago, also this one. But yea, the guy has some nice ideas to get yourself psyched!
(from Wolfenstein, forgive me, but... Ach I just dig the zeitgeist from the 90s gaming industry. And slayer. Fuckn' SLAYER)
Sure it only makes me a material slave, but... if I surround myself with shitty material, my thoughts start revolving around it. It gets to you someday. You might not notice, you might laugh at its first attempts to catch you, but one day it has crept up your spine into your mind. Be wary what you spend time with and where, you will assimilate someday. That's why - keep mobile and nimble if you can and if it feels good to you. Play guitar AND draw AND do sports AND listen to metal AND write AND whatever it is you want.
@Pierce Haha!! Yea I need to get back on "the way". When shit hits the fan, I always forget where I am and how I got there, but I just stare at brown particles spread everywhere.
Need to recollect my armor scattered on the ground, and sew its holsters. Lick my wounds, reapply my war paint, sharpen my blades and gaze at the setting sun as if it was the last occasion – as if I were the only person to really understand and appreciate its beauty. These next days I'll be sure to get back into my battle-groove, thanks to you, and who knows, maybe I can make a point some day.
I'm also glad your feet are sunk in the same swampy shit as mine are, the wading becomes so much more bearable when you can share your laughs and tears. Though I would never wish anyone this fate or try to get anyone to join. Anyone that is in it, is in it because the circumstances fell so or they chose it. There is no better reason to be anywhere, we are clear of fakeass shit.
Now let me scoop some of this around and see if "the path" is somewhere down there.
@KDY Wow! You read all that? That makes me feel very honored! Thinking of my style as a firehose blowing heads away with concentrated kinetic energy is a good way to start any day. The good spelling is probably derived from autocorrect – I'm sad to admit, no credit to me! Hah.
Recently I've gotten some positive feedback on my writing from a couple of people, I must be careful not to fall into a hubris, but it feels very good and always incites a spirit in me to keep writing and fighting for my beliefs (or non-beliefs). I found an old Haiku of mine and posted it in your thread. To write haiku, a certain emotional state is necessary, so I can't promise to ever get back to it, but if I do, I'll know where to go. Writing a book? Haha, I'll be sure to tell... I will need to work on some basic writing techniques though... and that'd be a load of work, but who knows, I might be amused to, when life kicks me in the groin and my passive death wish needs to be banished into letters to call myself a survivor (which happens every now and then, and then some).
I currently have little time to tinker with my keyboards, but what I really need are mechanical switches and clicky buttons. As a kid I was always hacking away on an old typewriter from grandpa, I just loved the sounds those things made. Every single one of them, the "click", the "thump", the "crrrrr" and the "ping". I have this odd audiophile passion, where I am content with things if they "sound good", and as an engineer when actually working as a mechanic that ear is my best bet on finding all the problems, I hog them boxes like Spider-Man with my ears close up to them. Machines purr when they run well, and I have this odd passion of making things purr. Be it cats, dogs, doors or dishwashers.
A wavy-ergonomic model usually does not get fabricated with mechanical switches, but I have not checked your site yet I must admit, as I need to get to my cleaning routine soon and don't have the time, but I bookmarked it. Maybe I can get inspired to try something new, which is always a good thing and I like funky peripherals, thank you.
Marcus Aurelius sounds pretty kickass, I'll be sure to try and find a hardcopy by George Long. Archaic sounds good, archaic never dies!
Sadly, my French sucks, so I can't drop by your journal, but feel free to comment on mine, I always try to drop a line.
Really got to go, keep strong guys, never surrender and be viscous!!... uh vicious!! VICIOUS!!