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Hello! Back after a long space! Back to day 1 after a long time of denying I relapsed into playing video games. It got bad this weekend where I played video games all saturday and sunday. I decided to cancel an activity planned on Saturday in place of playing video games. Also, all sunday, I found myself stuck on my computer and avoiding family and friend interactions. I planned to complete tasks that are due tomorrow on Sunday and I just procastinated between eating, sleeping, playing video games, watching a show on my phone, and eventually feeling a ton of remorse and guilt for not admitting earlier. I guess I felt stuck and it was easier to play video games than admit to myself I'm losing control and needed to reengage in detox. The worst part about it is that I started improving on my shooting accuracy in the game. I began to get better, but the thing with getting better is the investment of time. I invested a great deal of time into improving accurary and maybe, just maybe, a part of me doesn't want to lose that and feel it was a waste of time because I did improve my accuracy. Then again, the levels of good players are unsumermountable and much higher in skill level. So, to be honest with myself, I'm an average gamer and I'll need several years before I can be "good enough" to be considered pro. I don't have that time. I no longer want to be pro at gaming. I have other skills and talents I want to nurture. I'm almost done with my degree, have gotten alot of skills from internship, and have a cool job. I have a pretty cool life and cool people around me. Sure, there's some problems, but who doesn't have problems. It's part of life. I no longer need to escape through playing video games or watching videos. I can survive being in environments that may feel dangerous, but arent. I can live through not escaping. I've done it before and can continue to do it now. But, can i also be honest about something... lately, I've been feeling a sense of fear. A part of growing. Since I'm now close towards finish line at my internship and school, I feel a sense of anxiety and fear. I fear change and the discomfort it brings. I believe, this may be one reason why I started to play games because it's predictable and I know the environments, the settings, and fhe whole game. There is no unpredicitablity. I, as a user, was in control. But, in the real world, it feels like I'm about to launch and I don't feel in control and I'm doing whatever to make myself feel like I'm in control. It just so happens to be the medium of video games. Sometimes, I also eat and watch videos to numb myself and feel control. It's weird, but why is control such an overarching theme in my life. I wake up, can eat whatever I want, go to school, work, have a family, friends, etc., so what am i missing? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel a lack of control? Hmmmmm....

hey guys, I relapsed again. It's been about few weeks where I've been avoiding trying to admit I relapsed. But, I did relapse. I'm upset at myself because I thought I could "tame" and play in moderation, but it was so difficult. I wish I could play in moderation, but the play button is so tempting. I believe I relapsed because I isolated myself from family, I wanted to escape from environment, I wanted to procastinate, and I wanted to feel a sense of control. In addition, I was also watching alot of shows and seasons to prevent boredum. Before this, I was reading books, but something happened and I've been having my phone close to me and always watching videos (driving, on breaks, etc.) I need to restart my detox and get away from games and videos. I want to become productive because it helps me feel good about myself. I've fallen behind on some work and tasks and haven't made myself available to my friends because of videos and video games. I will delete the games, files, and restart my detox process! Day 1!

Yeap, welcome! There's definitely no short cuts in the recovery process. When you said when you made the decision, it was clear cut, that made sense to me. When I get emotional or triggered, by stress n different things, that clear cut thing goes away n gamer mind comes back. Anyhow, wishing u the best!

Oh boy, so yesterday I had my little cousins come over and they began playing witb the Ps4 and cod 3. They were such noobs because they are young and I found myself desiring to play and show them. But, I didn't. I found alot of self-talk today saying, "Go ahead and play. It's not the same as PC." But, I don't think that's true. It's getting very close in similarities to other game and I know i'd play it to only procastinate in doing my hw/project. I will take about 15 mins and write/break down my tasks. I hope i can accomplish it today that way i don't have to worry about it tomorrow. I have a plan to attend al-anon meeting at 2 pm to get some social support and then come back and get at those tasks. I will probably treat myself to something nice at dinner time if I can accomplish the tasks. Ok, thats it for now. New edit and update: I went to al-anon meeting from 2-3 pm, and then decided to treat myself by going to the thrift store and getting some things I needed. But, in that process, it went way over my desired expectation. I was there from 3:30-6, n then went to another store to get some snacks. I was supposed to pray before 5:30, and becausd I went to the thrift store, I missed it and feel extremely guilty. I feel like I hear myself condeming myself like "being and looking at eternal gloom." I will take accountability and acknowledge I did stay over, and I really didn't set a time frame for myself before entering the store. I want to take this as a learning opportunity and move on, n not be debilitated. It's so hard and seems like I am hardwired where I become self-loating and unforgivining when I make a mistake, like it's the end of the world when it isn't. Life is a journey, and I'm bound to make a mistake. I can't and am not perfect. And it's like this program is set where everything will end if I don't meet this criteria! Everyone makes a mistake damit! Why is it so hard for me to recognize this and just move on instead of it destroying me and the rest of my day!? Whg is it so hard? I sit here and avoid making it up, and notice my depression and avoidance behavior kicking in. I think my energy level is fast dropping, my breathing patterns have changed, my hopelessness has spiked super high, and I am sitting here thinking what's the point? I am sitting in front of my bird cage and bird and just turned on my ps4 in order to avoid this helpless feeling and write this post hoping it'll help me move away from feeling this way, atleast so intensely, whereby I can refunction and reengage in the tasks I missed and continue to do the tasks I'd like to do. I'm sad and disappointed because it keeps happening and re-emerging, and i thought my years of therapy would help prevent me from getting to this point. I'm winded by this feeling and am just struggling. I want to get up, clean myself w/water, pray the prayer I missed that will take maybe 4 mins, do the one that's due right now (5 mins), and then just hangout till 8:15. And maybe, after the sunset prayer, I can begin working on some small tasks. Yeah, that'd be nice. Just taking it slow, baby steps, and it doesn't matter if I can't do it perfectly, as long as I do it. That's what counts for me right now. I'm not perfect, I don't want to be perfect, and leave the perfection for Him. I just want to do this action because I miss my connection with Him and I want to ask Him to help me through this emotional relapse and pain. I'm helpless and I know I need Him and He can help me overcome and get through this difficulty and trial. And allow me to engage in more self-compassion. Help me Lord of my understanding, and bestow upon me your kindness and bliss. Amen.

I do have a tendency to think large task as opposed to small/managable tasks! This was a helpful reminder! Thank you!

Welcome! You're experiences with trying to perfect skill level and your character goes to show when you are motivated about something, you have the capacity to dedicate the time and resources to meet that goal. Now, you can take all those awesome skills and talents that was required of you to game and apply it to other dreams and passions you have. You clearly have the insight, capability, and capacity to pursue your dreams. Best wishes. Looking forward to supporting you through your journey.

Hi guys, I'm feeling pretty bad because I fell back into gaming after going some days strong. This is my second/third relapse. I quit again on Wednesday night at 10 pm after I got a 7 day ban from competitive match making. It was so strange that a "ban' allowed me to get to my senses. I was angry at first, and actually broke my apple headphones by throwing it after finding out the ban length. I felt' ashamed after coming down from my emotional high horse. I felt a great sense of shame and disappointment over my relapse. I avoided and avoided and didn't want to admit I relapsed. I avoided this community because I didn't want to stop or have someone be blunt and call it for what it was. I wanted to play in other ways, DM, or casual game play in order to improve my overall abilities and skills. But, i only dug myself deeper, and I can feel some deep urges to game on and escape. I implemented blockers on my internet to create a safe-net and relapse prevention on Wednesday night at work. I know, these next few days are going to especially difficult because it's towards finals week for my summer term. I just want to focus on school and finish these small projects and get it out of the way, but I'm finding it difficult at times staying focused and accomplishing these tasks. I will say the task is so freaking boring! Every time I attempted to read the book, it was so freaking dry! DRY! DRY!!! It didn't spark any interest in me. I just want to do this dumbass reading, write the comparative reflection with the movie, and then finish my reflective entry on group therapy. Then, the big project! I will say and adamantly say, I don't want to read that boring book, it seems like bull crap, but it is what it is! It will help me get one step closer to my goals of finishing school. I just need to get the task accomplished and move forward. I find myself just procrastinating and pushing away the task more and more, and the deadline is approaching. AND EVERY-TIME, I promise myself, this is the last time because of how much anxiety/panic/worry/ and stress it puts on me. Yet, I can't seem to get motivated until i feel "rushed" and "pressured" into the task. I wanted to reflect on my past relapse. I began to play video games, and then it started to impact my professional/career because there was an incident where I wasn't able to wake up for work at 10 am and I decided to call in sick. I must admit that I was feeling extremely tired, but at the same time, feelings of depression. I don't know I was experiencing relapse symptoms. I found myself lately, which is extremely strange, but getting extremely nervous to call the clients directly (which I'm finding i'm doing more and more lately as opposed to being direct) and instead, texted her that I wasn't feeling well. She didn't get message and called me around 11:45 and became upset at me. At which point, I responded to her in a sarcastic tone about being ill. I asserted that I wasn't feeling well. If I can be honest,I think the symptoms of depression/bad sleep was because of either playing video games, not sleeping well (bad sleep hygiene) the night before, and no self-care. But, from this experience, I then made a firm decision to not work with the client and give MY SUNDAY, and two hours 10-12 because it was impeding on my day to recuperate my energy and recovery. So, I asked for administrators to remove me from this case because I didn't want to deal the mother of my client. I personally rather not give up my Beautiful Sundays and Two hours for someone who isn't adaptable to circumstances and so rigid. I admit, I did do wrong, and I have a problem with arriving on time due to time management issues. I'm dealing with a lot with recovery, but I have found many individuals are very polite and flexible when emergencies do come up. I'm also kind of glad I made this decision because I'm just so tired of working with this client for 2 hours every week providing behavioral services. I guess, in some way, I was after the money, and this isn't me. I use to be very passionate about this job, but I no longer have this for this work. It doesn't excite me, and I find myself just wanting to spend two hours and getting over the session. I just don't want that, but I wonder if me not feeling great passion is because of my decision to no longer game. So, I decided, I'll just work elsewhere and away from psychological/behavioral work, and deal with simple clients. I think, this helps me maintain some level of clarity and not always experience burn-out. It's nice to just talk with people who are functional. So, this is a check in. I know i've said alot, but it's been buggying at me. I needed to get it out somewhere. Thanks for listening.

Thanks! This really means alot! Appreciate it Tom! Btw, I relapsed once again, but have gone back to the process as of Wednesday night! This time, I put more barriers to prevent me from relapsing such as (website block), download block, etc. It's been helpful.

Wanted to do a short reflection. I play today video games and I had attempted to video game in moderation and I found myself having a very difficult time. In fact, yesterday I did game and it impacted some of the tasks that I need to accomplish last night. I try to utilize the H a LT technique, I was feeling tired, but due to the game I binged and didn't sleep until 2 AM. In addition, I felt extremely guilty when I awoke and found myself engaging in avoidance behavior. Then, I found myself playing video games to avoid feeling, and eventually the video game letting me into some other behaviors that I did don't approve of and had a sense of control over. I went to a men's support group today and had the opportunity to talk about my relapse, but in addition to that the circumstances surrounding the relapse. In my discussion, I was able to recognize that my younger brothers relapse Created high levels of stress for me and was emotionally challenging. I felt angry for a long time, but I didn't know where the anger came from and it was displaced into other categories. But through talking, I noticed that my anger and emotions was related to his relapse and it's impact on the family dynamic. This relapse give me the awareness that I need to be oh where and be involved and my siblings life before he relapses. Relax me occurred, but as long as I'm involved with him and can be a support for him, that's what matters. I think it would be less emotionally draining on me if I'm there at the support for him. I need to build a relationship with him. So, going back to my current experience with gaming, I find myself really preoccupied with wanting to play the game. I want to fill my time with playing a game and nothing else. However, this is one of the reasons why I gave up playing video game; the preoccupation of gameplay. I have other tasks and goals that I want to accomplish, and the video game Preoccupation doesn't help me get closer to those goals. So once again, I start my recovery process and use my relapse as Learning process. I realized from my relapse how much I care for my sibling and how much he inevitably impacts my own recovery. also, it gives me insight about how difficult the process of recovery is and how many times people may slip unintentionally. I'm very grateful to have a form where I can write about my progress and find a community that really cares and understands. Thank you all for your replies and your comments. My plan; Go to my work tonight at 11 PM and open up my computer and open up steam, going to settings and locate the game catchy file and go directly into the file and erase the game, then uninstall steam. Potential tasks to accomplish: Watch smashed and write 4 pg paper read the alcoholic family organize paperwork write termination letter and summary for client 2 write schedule and tasks on organizer/planner review integrated dual diagnosis book treatment plan

Well, hey guys, I fell back into gaming again. It was hard for me to come on here and share that I started playing again. I started as of Sunday and went for 2 weeks without falling. There was alot of things going on before this, like issue with brother relapsing and the emotional impact this had on family. In addition, was dealing with anger and other emotions related to working grave yard shift. It was really depressing at times working these shift because it messed up the word "normal" and I somehow went a-long time without relapsing. Anyhow, I'm trying to manage the game play and will see how that goes. definitely feel I'm in control of it now and it hasn't take control of me. Really enjoy the fact I can lead, and people follow me, and we can actually win matches in countet strike global defensive. I noticed I am my prime when I play once or twice within competitive matchmaking, but after that, my performance starts sucking. So, that's a good awareness. I still have ability to stop after one or two gameplay. For example, today, I played a game (scrim) and won 16-14, close match, and called it a game afterwards even tho thise gamers asked for another game. I did have another paper due (demand) and I wad able to say, "no, I don't want to play because I have to do this other thing." That was a positive experience! I really liked stepping away and doing my other assignment. Before playing video games, I had this massive stressed based load of paper I had to complete from 8 am to 12 pm. It was annoying, but rewarded myself with one competitve game play and stayed to that! I was aware of time and noticed the other priorities I had. I will see if I can maintain moderation. I still remember the needs gaming fulfills (escape, instant gratification, constant measure of growth, and the social). So far, I get social support from family and a pet animal, i see growth with my trelationship with brother and pet (we do things together more), gratitication (accomplishing some tasks I need to do) and escape (I sleep or take a break, but also can play one or two competitve gaming). So, that's my check in. I will see in a few days if I can manage game play and will daily login journal details of experience.

Check in for the week. Doing well. Haven't have had alot of urges compared to before. Although I'm not doing alot of the extra things, like social outings, learning a new language, and things to occupy my time. It's interesting. Hmmm, I know I've been somewhat active in my faith community and prayers. I know also that at my graveyard work, I began doing mindfulness/yoga, and was keeping up with scheduling and checking off things on my planner. I haven't been doing it much lately. So, that's something I need to get back on. I started to slip away, or give priorities to other realms' of my life, and I forget mindfulness/yoga/ using planner/ and checking in are just important in the recovery process. I did find this strange phenomenon where I started saying to myself that "I'm fine" and I don't need to write my thoughts/feelings or even check-in here anymore. Something about being able to check in with myself and write allows me a great deal of expression and helps to make sense of some stuff that occurs throughout the day. I think, if I didn't check in, it'd just build up to a point of discomfort and unease. I know this feeling and self-talk becaus eventually, I will fall back into relapsing some time later. So, I'm grateful Im here checking in. I'll keep it short so i can check in periodically and it's not a time-consumbing event and experience to write a journal entry.

Today, I'm feeling pretty bad. I am adjusting to being a graveyard shift worker and it impacts my entire day. I just feel like sleeping all day and it kills me! I hate being unproductive and sleeping throughout the day so I can prepare for night work. It's so stupid and I hate it. My feelings are really overpowering tonight and I'm fighting to not relapse. I worked so hard for the last week against relapsing because this cause is important to me. I want to move on from games and open a new chapter in my life. I'm very passionate about what the other door will reveal, but it seems like it's a little farther than I expected. I'm just struggling emotionally right now because I wasn't able to accomplish one or two tasks I set for me that was supposed to take place around 1 pm. I feel especially guilty for waking up, turning off the alarm around 1 pm, and going back to sleep. Then, I woke up at 7 pm. No one in my home attempted to wake me up and let me know it's 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6 pm. I slept right through it and it was already at the brink of night time. I felt so depressed seeing little to no light out in the world. I was angry at others for not waking me and allowing me to sleep so late. But, how can I hold them responsible for this? I didn't set alarm past 1 pm because I expected myself to wake up and do what I needed to do. Ugggh, it really destroyed my self-esteem and feels like a spiral into depression after this incident. It was something I was really working towards and was really important to me. I keep trying to put myself up and say it's ok and everything will work out, and to forgive myself, yet I find critical self coming back and attacking me for "being a horrible person" and "doing it intentionally" and "how I am bound to extreme punishment because of it" and "how I am weak." This are horrible things I'm saying to myself! I would never say this to other people, yet I say this to myself? What the hell is that about? It's just been a tough journey in changing myself. This is just another day where I've hit a bump on the road and it feels like the end of the world, when it isn't. I'm still here and working hard. Man, just wish it was easier and I could be kinder to myself and just pat myself off and just keep moving. This emotional, negative self-talk, and hurtful speech is so powerful at times. Especially now. I just have a desire to escape these thoughts and not think about them. The games are a powerful way for me to not think about them. Yet, I don't want to play games. I came to work and redownloaded steam, but before I reinstalled the game, I wrote this journal to process what's going on for me. I feel terrible and like I'm the worst of the worst, which I logically know I'm not, and everything will work out. Uggghhhhhh, I just wish it was easier and I didn't have to go deep into the dark abyss when it comes to negative self-talk and destroying of my self-esteem. It's such a struggle to reel myself out of that when I start getting there. I'm not as terrible as that place makes me think of myself. I'm capable and sometimes, it's ok for me to accomplish all my tasks and be ok with that. I need to work on more acceptance exercises and more loving kindness. I am so saddened why I can't be like others and just pat myself on shoulder and just move on. I'm wondering why it's so difficult for me to just move on! Why do I have to be this way?

Are you ready to commit to the 90 day detox? Post in your journal why or why not?Also think about and share in your journal about how many times in the past you’ve procrastinated on the decision to quit playing video games. Have you tried to quit before and not succeeded? Why or why not?I am ready for a 90 day detox from gaming. I actually already started 8 days ago. As for how many times I've procrastinated at quitting has periodically occurred several times and has reoccured many times throughout the last 15 years. I quit at age 20/21 and succeeded by replacing it with social activities, but was never fully comfortable with just following the crowd. It was an interesting experience, but my relationship with games would lerk up from time to time. I used other outlets like different systems (platforms; ps3/xbox) to game. So, in some way or another, I didn't completely quit. But, back in the days, I didn't know I had an addiction problem. So, I guess I can understand why I kept coming back into gaming to meet some needs of mines. There were other times, I tried to quit, and found myself coming back into the game because "my friends were missing me" and "they needed me" and so many other thoughts similar to this. I hope to take this detox seriously and gain as much knowledge from Respawn as possible. I begin my detox with great intensity starting today! See you on the other side! By the way, the login page for members lounge takes forever! It's kind of irritating. Maybe it's just my wifi?

Kudos! Journal entry! Morning: After my last reflection, was productive from 5 to 10 am. Accomplished most tasks, without 2-3 not being finished. 1 task, very important because due 6/16, but is optional. I made promised/commitment, so I want to finish asap! Very easy task. Thinking too much, and doing little. Too much in my head and overthinking it. Maybe even magnifying importance. Also, maybe social anxiety/performance anxiety of not doing it "good enough" for others. This is stupid and I should just finish. After work yesterday at 10 am, I went home to sleep. Afternoon: Sleep from 12 - 4 pm. Planned to wake up at 3. Didn't do this. Woke up groggy and exhausted. Was grateful client's rescheduled time to 5:30 and another at 7 pm. Due to grogginess and exhaustion, I prayed first, and then played with bird in living room. Mom inquired about same thing as last 2-3 days, and I nodded in agreement. That pleased her. 4:30 pm - 5:00 pm, drove to internship with some traffic caught in between. Arrived to internship around 5:10 missing last employee. I think she saw me, but I don't know. I felt ashamed due to "being late." Pushed myself to drop off paperwork through a hole found in company door. They will receive tomorrow and hopefully accept. Late afternoon: 5:10- 5:30 drive to client. 5:30 to 7:05, wonderful session with client. 7:10-7:20, spoke with dear friend about topic of marriage. At 7:30, saw next client. At 8:20, went and saw friends I haven't seen in few months. Created and reformed relationship. Created new forming relationship with youth there. Interesting guy. Always smiling, but was also testing if I can hang with him without judging him. 9:20-30, drove to new location. 9:35-10:00, took care of task with abraham and prayed with community night prayer. 10-11, slept and got nap. 11- 11:30, drove home and picked up food. 11:30-45, played with my little cousin's daughter. She's a toddler, but so smart! I have a wonderful relationship with her. I was sad I couldn't play with her and take off my shoes as she requested. But, life goes on! Night: Arrived to work around 12:15. Released worker and explored how he adjusted to night work. Didn't give much feedback, but was smiling during conversation. 12:15-45, I at for 10 minutes (mindlessly) and too much, and then sat on chair and was bored. I was tempted to play video games, but resisted through practicing my drawing and keeping myself occupied. I did that till about 2 pm. I drew stewie, peter, homer, pickahu, and an elephant. It was cool seeing the end result. I will try to share them here so you guys can see xD. I found myself afterwards eating donuts when I was bored and tired. I wasn't hungry, but more exhausted and not wanting to do anything. I wish there was a bed I could lay on xD. I drank coffee after some time and then did my morning prayer, mindfulness (silence for 5 mins), yoga, and shower. Feel refreshed and ready to take task on. Today, will go home at 9 am. Sleep and wake up at 12:45 pm. Then, come home and sleep n wake up at 6 pm. I'm very tired and want to be well rested so I can have productive friday night at work. Best, Hassan A. XoXo because it's ok to be tired from time to time.

Hi guys! I made it through my first week without gaming! WOOP!

Hey Alex, I am currently taking summer class, but my Fall 2017 semester will start soon and I will need a strategy to be successful at keeping my focus and studying for some time. I typically go to Starbucks and sit there for hours and sometimes, my mind tends to drift away xD. I know for Fall 2017, this is a method I will definitely try to implement as I will be on campus alot more! Thanks for the prompt reply - I will let you know about my experience!

Day 7 (5/15) I was able to accomplish doing stationary bike, writing journal, playing group basketball, and seeing my first client. I did also put up some glow in the dark stars onto my ceiling indicating my day without relapse. So far, I have about 6-7 on my ceiling. I wasn't able to accomplish few tasks I set for myself because I was exhausted and tired. I woke up last night at 3 am and didn't go back to sleep. Around 2:30 pm, I took a nap, setting my alarm to wake up for 3:30 and 4 pm, and well, that didn't work well for me and or go the way i expected! Haha (nervously). I felt' so bad and disappointed at myself for not meeting my clients! I hated the fact that I told them I had a personal emergency and will not be able to see them till next week. That's the worst feeling having to say that because I desired to sleep and felt' so sleep deprived! It was like as if I was lethargic and defeated because this is not the first time this has occurred! I just wanted to escape that feeling and desired to sleep more! So, I did just that! I escaped by sleeping and it helped me "not think about it." I avoided the situation and feelings that arose (disappointed, anxiety, fear, anger, hurt, being a failure, etc.,). What I learned from this for next time: First learning point: I learned from this experience the value of sleep. Sleeping well impacts the next day and if done well, it can have a snowball effect on productivity. Second learning point: I learned from this experience was that my "assumption" that only 6 hours a sleep the night before (9 pm to 3 am) was sufficient for the next day was not correct. A good night sleep is critical and I think for me, it's 8 hours. Ultimately, I found myself extremely tired at around 1-2 pm. I do recognize that this could've been informed by me going to play basketball after seeing a client, doing 5 mins of stationary bike, and then some weight training (5 minute worth). Third learning point: I learned that these activities of exercising (weight training), playing basketball, and doing stationary bike would be best before I go to sleep. To adjust for nights where I work graveyard shift, I can go to gym after shift and then go home and sleep. And, when I don't have graveyard shift, I can exercise around 10-11 pm, and come home and go to sleep (intentionally). Continued on, after going to gym around 11:30 am, I went home with the intention of resting for a few hours before I saw my client. However, as I reached my bed, I found impulsively grabbing my phone and randomly browsing the internet. My desire to "rest and sleep" wasn't intentional. By using phone, I felt stimulated and brain was activated. Fourth learning point: I learned that it's critical to be intentional about whatever I am doing (activities, sleep, eating) instead of mindlessly doing (that's probably why mindfulness meditation is so important). I learned that I need to take rest seriously! Sleep is sleep, not sleep with browsing internet. All technology, books, and materials are to be put aside. Then around 2:30, I started to dose away, but this was already a dangerous time of taking a nap. I had a client at 4:45. It was cutting too short to the time and it would take me about 45 minutes to get to clients (with traffic and commute). Fifth learning point, I need to intentionally set a time limit when I will no longer be in my room (i.e., 3 :15 pm, get up, get out of room with clothes, and take shower). Sixth thing I learned is, my goal of "becoming a morning person" is something I have to push aside for now. This is something I gotta put on the side burner until I can accomplish and work towards my current goals of getting to 220 lbs, not eating/drinking sweets, doing mindfulness, stationary biking for 5 minutes, and eating food in portions instead of as meals. Story continued: After waking at 8 pm, I began to feel bad because I missed my afternoon and before sunset prayer. It was disappointing because I could've accomplished it "if only" I had taken my sleep seriously and or been "active" and outside of my home. Using hindsight, we can easily judge ourselves pretty harshly if we don't monitor this. This is the first time I actually thought about intentionally sleeping and thought about what that entails. So, I would break my fast with my family (Ramadan; Muslims fast from sunrise till sunset by abstaining from food, drink, intimacy from partners, to ultimately get closer to the divine being and to feel for those that don't have as many privileges that we have), and found myself unintentional in my eating. I binged ate food because I was feeling disappointed, fear, anxiety, worry, basically an plethora of emotions, while having negative thinking style. Learning experience, accept current emotions, reminding myself they are temporary and will go away, forgive oneself for not being perfect, seek forgiveness, and intentionally choose plan of action. I realize that I was avoiding these thoughts by eating and trying to maintain a sense of control and not let depression overtake me. Radical exercise, "Where are these thoughts saying? If you were to externalize these thoughts, Are they true? If you asked your friends, would they agree with these thoughts? Are there any evidence against these thoughts? If so, what, and when was the last time these evidence appeared in your life? Radical exercise, "Don't try to maintain control. Let it go. Let the universe take care of it. Recognize, the idea of control is made up, and in actuality, we are never in control. Accidents, miracles, disasters, experiences, life/death are all things that are out of our control. Just like that, we are not in control of many aspect of our lives. Accept this and move on." Then I prayed, and went back to my room because I felt a sense of shame, disappointed, and tired. I wanted to just rest a little more. Sounds like: Some shame was involved, but overarchingly, you were tired and wanted more rest before graveyard shift. I went to sleep at 9 pm and woke up to my mom telling me it's 11:30 pm. I woke up anxious and worried that she would yell at me because I've had repeated days of not waking up on the times I wanted too. Sounds like: You really care and are mindful of not causing distress to others through your actions. You really care about what your mom thinks of you because you care about her. She's important to you and your life. I quickly got ready, left my room unorganized (usually I prefer to clean my room), and dressed un-professionally (the advantages of my job); Sounds like: you are able to re-prioritize when in a rush and able to be flexible! Awesome! I recognized my sleep was overtaking me and made some coffee to help overcome sleep. In this moment, I had a discussion with my mother about my current state and asked her to pray for me and let her know that I feel I'm being tested, and let her know that I was feeling sad, down, and somewhat depressed, and to remember me in her prayers. She nodded in agreement. Sounds like: You challenged yourself to share with your mother how you were feeling, risk being vulnerable, and it was well received by your mother. You also recognized and accepted you were sleepy, and found a solution that worked for you; coffee. I went on my way and started to drive to work, but really started getting depressed and sad over my "failure" and "how terrible and bad" I am. I found myself arguing and fighting with this negative thinking. Sounds like: You didn't let depression overtake you and mustered up energy to fight the negative self-talk and thoughts. You weren't willing to go without a fight! And it was effective! I would eventually come to work and had the nostalgic thought of playing video games to escape the thought of how bad and horrible I am. I wanted to avoid the feelings I was having. I kept romanticizing the feeling of playing video games and "how it would make me feel better." You had intruding thoughts, images of gaming, and how good you were at it and how much you were good at it, but at the same time, you recognized if you engaged in the behavior, the true purpose behind it was to escape and avoid the feelings you were having. You recognize that video games has always served a purpose of helping you escape and temporarily making you feel better. I brought out my computer and immediately decided I needed to do a journal entry otherwise, I'd relapse. I need to logically type out what took place, my feelings around it, the learning experiences I derived from it, and work towards sharing my "shame based narrative" with myself and others to reduce feelings of shame and defeat. (You recognized and mustered up energy to write a journal entry instead of relapsing because you value staying on recovery. You also wanted to write out experience because it's helped you in the past to logically argue some points as opposed to letting your mind "trick you" into feeling certain way, which has in the past, made you relapse). I honestly wanted to forget, avoid, and escape not being productive that day and feeling as a complete failure for the day by playing video games. (Impressive to recognize that you have this insight, but also recognizing that it's only limited to this day, but not other days! Very important distinction to make, you didn't do well one day, but had 5 other days where you were successful and productive! And it seems like you have a value of being productive each day and succeeding. Maybe, you can succeed in small parts (small wins eventually lead to large wins and helps with building momentum) as opposed to large tasks?) I also made a plan for today that I will only focus on my project that is due next week tonight. That's it! (Good decision! Small successes will lead to bigger success! You need small wins right now). It's been bugging the hell out of me why I haven't jumped on this task and I learned this: I am a person that can get overwhelmed when I have too many tasks, and I work more efficiently if I have one task to accomplish for a certain number of hours (Wait, hold on a second, you haven't jumped on this task because of multiple reasons: You've been recovering, taking care of internship tasks (accomplished alot of tasks here for clients, attended workshop, meetings, meeting clients), school tasks (read chapters for the class, attended class, watched required movie, wrote paper), Recovery process (Used courage and bravery to embark on recovery process by; registering for respawn, registering for forum, reviewed videos on recovery, introduction, replied on forums x3, journal entries, created meet-up post, post on partnering with another person, learned about recovery), Family and work (managing family life, working, working graveyard shift, providing service to ABA client, making time for family, going to dinner events with family). Don't minimize what you've been doing! Because you've been doing alot and that's a reason why you may not have jumped on this task yet. Also, with a little pressure/anxiety, you tend to get on the task. It's a balancing act. Remember, if you wait to late to start project, you begin to feel panic and debilitating anxiety, and have a higher likelihood to avoid/procrastinate/and attempt to escape, and turn in assignment late. Remember, the professor believes in you and thinks highly of you. Although you speak some truth about being more effective in one task, the other side is, you can become bored and unproductive working on only one task for a long time. If the task is something you are not passionate about, and instead, a task you are being forced to finish, then naturally you will have a difficult time finishing on time. So, instead, think about why you are passionate about this particular assignment. Why do you want to learn more about teenagers and Marijuana? What will it do for you? How will it impact your future? What are the benefits of creating this handout? Why do you want to do it? Avoid thinking "I have to do it because it's an assignment, and instead think, I want to (I choose to do) this because). So, today, I intentionally selected to complete my psychoeduational handout on teenagers and marijuana. I intend to do nothing else, not unintentionally browse the forums, or other websites, or youtube videos, and instead, intend on researching, obtaining information, and working towards completing this task. Why I'm passioniate for this particular subject: I want to do this because I run youth groups, and in my community (bengali) and beyond, there seems to be an issue with teenagers self-medicating. I want to show the statistics around this, while at the same time, provide information on how to intervene and help teenagers find more effective coping mechanisms by sharing that with parents and people who are interested. I want to also provide psychoeducation about effects of use of marijuana on brain and the science of use. Lastly, my experience with personal marijuana use when I was young informs my desire and passion to research this more indepth and gain more info about current trends on marijuana use. (This is definitely a good start about why you are passionate about this particular subject! Remember, you are doing this for yourself, not for others! Remember, growth mindset and effort, not results). As I began to think about only focusing on this task, I noticed I wanted to play video games. (Duh, it's not you! You are a person that likes to be flexible. It goes against your value. However, if you can tie it into your passion and remember that you are choosing to do this, and why you are doing it, then this will be task similar to you creating things from recycle goods). But, this is only to avoid this task and "temporarily escape." I know this behavior from the past because last semester, I was heavily engage in this cycle. I would have assignments due, then the nostalgic/romantic thought of gaming would come, I would engage in it for few hours, and then it would become compulsive by avoiding task, then too tired to do work, sleep, wake up and feel shame/guilt, and turn assignment late. Then, I would promise myself never again Hassan, but next assignment, that pattern/cycle would repeat. (Great insight! So, you ultimately recognize the dangers of temporarily escape and avoiding a task. It never gets done, and there's a high likelihood of you relapsing to video games. But, the feelings of shame/guilt/ and turning in assignment late makes you feel miserable. But, you also recognize this occurs every time an assignment is given to you. So, it seems like, each time an assignment is given, if you don't have proper passion or personal attachment to assignment, you have a tendency to avoid/procrastinate/avoid task and it makes you feel bad). So, I learned from my relapse experiences, I cannot give into the desire and nostalgic/romantic thought of playing video games because the true purpose of playing is not for the game, but to avoid and escape, and if I do so, then I would experience deep guilt and shame and fall back into relapse. My objective is not to finish this task today, but to do as much as I can and solely focus on this task. I found that I am very gifted when I focus on one task and attain the state of "flow" when I keep at it. (I think you found something here. To obtain flow, you will need to keep at a task and eventually will get to that state. But, it will require some patience, and what will help is recognizing why you are passionate about the subject matter and assignment. Something about personalizing this assignment will motivate you to push on and hit the "flow" state much faster). That's it for now! Gratitude list: - Grateful for seeing my client in the morning. -Grateful for putting up glow in the dark stars on my ceiling for days in recovery (day 7). - Grateful for first day at gym, playing basketball, doing stationary bike, and some dumbell exercises. - Grateful for recognizing intention needs to be followed through with particular actions (such as intentionally sleeping, reading, eating, praying, exercising, doing project, etc.,). - Grateful for recognizing addiction can transfer over to other things such as excessively using forums, internet, youtube, and other things. Moderation is key and making sure needs are being met by multiple outlets are important! - Grateful for increased insight and learning from my experiences. - Grateful for not letting depression and negative self-talk take over me, and not allowing it to make me relapse. - Grateful for the interaction I had with my older sibling. - Grateful for the recovered sleep, where I didn't feel sleep deprived afterwards, and had coffee to really wake me up! - Grateful for having food and breaking fast with my family. Best, Hassan A; XoXo, because you were able to derive some positive learning points from today's experience and that's something you never did before. You would typically become negative, go into yourself, and try to escape those feelings by engaging in avoidance/escape behavior by playing video games and or doing other activites. This time, you intentionally decided to write in this journal and really think about your experiences, the feelings that arose, and made amends. Also, you came up with a goal that will work for you. You are going to be ok, and it's not the end of the world. You are not the only one that has "not so perfect days."

Day 6 (5/14) Good morning! Wanted to check in. This is a pretty long entry and broken down in sections. Self care and self-compassion through readjusting schedule: I wasn't able to accomplish two-three tasks I had set for yesterday (going to play basketball at gym, prayer at church, and meeting group after class). It's not a big issue because I found myself really exhausted after coming from university. I think I went to sleep at 9 pm and waking up around 3 am. I didn't have grave yard shift today, so that's cool! As for Tuesday morning, I came home after work and slept from 10:30 am to 1:50 pm. I woke up at 2 pm and rushed to class (2:30 pm). Negative interaction triggered emotions: When I did wake, I I became a little upset at my mothers requests. I wasn't in my right state of mind after waking and was focused at getting to class on time. My mother failed to recognize this and was making some comments/requests from an non-empathetic place. I know the comment/request was coming from a good place, but given that I was rushed, I prioritized and had differences within values at this time compared to her. I believe, my mom was making requests and dis-regulated and was a little depressed because she was experiencing some difficulties at home with my younger sibling. And it's been pretty distressing to them. Addiction, family dynamics with addiction in system, and signs of potential relapse: My parents are pretty indirect in communicating and can come off very judgmental when they do speak directly, but I think they didn't get a chance to speak with my younger brother about this and it bugged them. So, this was manifesting and being displaced as frustration/anger/worry/pain towards me and other people in the home. However, this ins't something that's new to me. This is a normal pattern that has existed in my family for some time. I'm very familiar with the lingo. We would discuss at around 3:30 am about what's going on, and found out my parents are pretty stressed out about a recent relapse that occurred with my sibling. I was supporting my parents, and helping them recognize the strengths of my younger brother, while at the same time explaining how difficult it is to overcome the disease of addiction. I was initially anxious about how I will explain this to them, and through the power of prayer, I was able to eventually empathize with them and remind them that recovery takes a long time and our job is to support him and not kick him to the side. I found they were hurt, fell back into not being able to trust him, and were pretty disappointed at him falling after all the progress he's made. The biggest part in this was validating my parents experience, but at the same time, reminding them that we can only support him and learn from our mistakes of not speaking up when we saw particular behaviors of potential relapse (his increased time in restroom, increased weight gain, increase in speech pattern, not enough checkin in by my parents). Relapse impacts family system: My understanding is that addiction impacts the entire system (family) and everyone within it. Just like my brothers relapse impacted me, my older sibling, my mother, father, and sister in all. In some way or another, it reunited the family and allowed us to talk. It was nice. During this time, I wasn't thinking about gaming, and was really concerned and empathetic towards my younger brother relapse experience. I think I was able to maintain an empathetic stance, not one of "older brother/authority figure" because I'm currently recovering myself from games. I can see how difficult it is for me. And, I can't even begin to image how recovery is like using substances and or alcohol. It may be same or even greater! I hope I can remain empathetic and supportive for him and be a source of compassion towards his recovery process. My professional and academic journey: Going back to my day, I didn't make it to class on time and found the session to be very informative. I recognize and was reminded that I need to be intentional about my educational and professional processes. I have some areas to improve in professional standard, such as completing tasks on time and holding a high standard in this realm'. this is something that will impact my future career goals and objectives. In the next class, I found myself initially really exhausted and tired (during video of hoarding disorder), but then really engaged during the addiction behaviors section covered in class. I felt' comfortable in pushing my social anxiety and asking questions that no one else was asking. It was something my teacher really recognized and appreciated! I was able to engage with my teacher afterwards and let her know my family history of addiction and explored with her some fundamentals about addiction issues. In my extra time with her after class, it gave me a chance to really bond with her and get to know her better and her personal experiences. I tell you, this is usually the best! Having opportunity to meet your professors as human beings, who have overcome struggles, and they share with you their experiences is simply amazing! Acronyms: My professor shared with me some acronyms that were really interesting that was used in AA communities such as HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I think this helps with one becoming aware of potential relapse or something. The other was anxiety based and was FEAR (False emotions appearing real). Being vulnerable and testing waters of being in recovery with college friend: I tested the waters after class with a colleague of mines. I was walking back to my car, off campus, and one colleague decided to walk with me. I checked in with her about how she's doing and then she asked how I was doing. I was brave, courageous, and daring enough to disclose to her about my 5th day being in recovery. She assumed it was recovery from drugs or alcohol, and I clarified that it was gaming. But, in our walk together, I helped her understand my experiences around gaming addiction. She was very sweet and caring about the experiences! It really helped that she was psychologically minded and understood addiction and mental health. However, at times, I did feel my anxiety spike up, and a sense of discomfort (possible shame) for sharing my story with her. Still, what matters was that I shared my story of recovery and experience. I was pleased with testing the waters and seeing that there wasn't an aversive reaction' by the other person. Instead, I observed kindness and compassion, and curiosity from the other person. That was a nice experience. Inner realities and worry: I was worrying and continue to worry about a certain behavior that I was engaged in and trying to understand where it came from. Maybe, it's just an area of care, and it's from a good area. What I did was go through forums, and replied to some comments. In the reply, I suggested and made some comments regarding particular things that stood out for me. And I'm wondering if that was going to be taken negatively by the person reading it. I was worry about that because I didn't want to come off as someone who is an expert, but instead, as a person who is trying to support and be there for members. I never want to come off as a person who thinks he knows it all, when a matter of fact, I don't and I'm going through my own journey. I guess, my journey through my counseling field, and working with families, and others, came into my comment. I genuinely want to help and be a support for others. I guess, at the end of the day, i don't want to make people my clients. I want to be able to create a boundary and just be a support for people in their recovery process. I guess it's something I will have to continuously monitor and be aware of it. I also think because I have an INFP personality type, this is probably my perception and feeling traits getting the best of me! At the end of the day, I know it came from a genuine and compassionate place and that's what counts! No point in perceiving and worrying how others' will take it. That's not something I need to care about, as long as I know I came from an intentional and genuine place Gratitude list: I'm grateful for sharing my story with someone else. I'm grateful for remaining empathic and differentiated with sibling relapse and supporting my parents through experience. I'm grateful for not blowing up and arguing with my mother requests/comments. I'm grateful for being active in class by asking questions, making comments, and increasing my competency of addictions. I'm grateful for the extra time I had to build a positive relationship with my professor after class. I'm grateful for getting my mail from amazon! I finally got my stars, yoga blocks, and foam thing to stretch my back! YES! I'm grateful for having a wonderful community like this to be able to share my thoughts and struggles, both about gaming and about life. I'm also grateful for the kind support I continue to get and give to others in this community. I'm grateful for being able to speak with my mom about faith and having that 2-3 minutes of connecting with her. I'm grateful for taking a nap and recognizing the importance of taking care of myself by resting as needed and being realistic about some expectations. I'm grateful I'm flexible and willing to adjust on a as needed basis. I'm grateful that I am introspective and reflective, empathetic, and able to recognize differences in values. I'm grateful for being differentiated and not being reactive to addiction and potential relapses that takes place in my family system. I'm grateful I can breathe calmly and was able to do 5 minutes of stationary bike! I'm grateful for not getting into an accident when that person breaked pretty randomly! Potential tasks for Wednesday: Professional: Contact Sam (professional) and Nahid (Professional, client (10 am), client (4:45 pm), client (6:10 pm), assessment for client 3/4/12, termination letter, progress note, session entry, phone entry, travel log ($$$). Personal and self-growth: Do yoga for 10 minutes (personal), Stationary bike for 10 minutes (personal), and Mindfulness for 5 minutes. (personal) Social: (Basketball at gym, prayer with community, and forum). School productivity: Read chapters, educational handout due next week (research needed), exploring marijuana use by teens. Faith/Spiritual: See Abraham and contribute. (Religious), Reciting one page Quran, prayer at Mosque, and hearing podcasts. Self-care for potential burnout: Bubble Wrap, Sketch book, Word Search, Lotions, Adult Mandalas, Journal entry, Scripture, and sleep. Best, Hassan XoXo because you are competent and capable of accomplishing alot of tasks within the day, but at the same time, you are kind to yourself and know your limits and when you need to rest! Keep up the hardwork!

I find my relationship with games currently to be more complusive than anything and I decided to do complete abstenience. From my previous experiences, moderation seemed like a good idea, and then when I started to play, all the good/romantic/and excitement came rushing back and so did the addiction. It was a slow, gradual process, of the addiction getting worse and worse. Preoccupation, acting out, regret/shame, and the cycle continued. The biggest part for me was recognizing my tendency to deny. I notice addiction can manifest as a manupulative person, in that, you give someone a foot, and they end up taking a yard. And each time you give them, they take more and more. So, externalizing addiction as a manupulative person is a way for me to recognize the dangers of even giving in a little bit. Because when we do, it progressively gets worse and then eventually out of hand. For me, these types of people are extremely dangerous, and very "cunning" and "charming" & they can "make promises" ; so, for me, that's how I see my relationship with games. It's something I cannot have a relationship with currently, maybe never, and time will tell. If I can develop all the other things that games give me in my current life, then, maybe. But, currently, this next year or two or three, will be dedicated to self-improvement and building more effect self-care and coping strategies. For you Era, you may be in a different area and you're relationship with gaming may be different from mines. I have family members who are facing mental health issues and addiction problems. So, for me, I have the genetic and environmental markers for the disease. So, I have to take a safer and absentient type of approach.

Great job Alex! 10 hours of studying, and recognizing that each hour changing location can be a way to effectively study. Hmmmm, never thought of this. Interesting! I typically get bored, try with my sheer mental strength to push through, and find myself exhausted after an hour or so! This is a new concept and I will give it a try in the near future! Should keep studying interesting! I'm assumbing since you'd change locations every hour, there's some planning that takes place as to where you'd go every hour and you'd also pack light?

Awesome! Keep up the hardwork! Mindfulness will definitely help with the awareness piece. And great to hear you intentionally watch youtube. As for finances and or unemployement, is there certain actionable steps you can take to get employed and or increase finances? What prior attempts worked or didn't work? What type of job would you like? For the social, it sounds like you found something that could potentially work (www.meetup.com) to help with meeting new contacts. Awesome!

Keep up the hardwork! You are dealing with alot, recovering, and are persevering! You're an inspiration for me in my recovery process!

We all have our unique skill sets and always have ability to improve on those areas we are lacking. That's the beauty of this journey! As for the meet up app, I had anxiety too worrying about how I will meet new people. But, I think I was looking at those areas that I'm comfortable in such as meditation and hiking. Those are activities I enjoy xD, and if I can meet people along the way, awesome. If not, I will enjoy the experience because I got to do the activity I wanted.

I wrote a paper on my chronic procrastination and how it manifests my life! I know I have issues with perfectionism and not wanting to make mistakes. But, since I've obtained years of individual counseling and therapy, I began to recognize that I have a tendency to fear authority figures or have fear of doing anything less than perfect. I fall back into that negative thinking pattern when I will have to do a task where I will be evaluated by others, and I sometimes, unconsciously worry about being criticized, and ultimately hurt by others like I did in the past. In the past, I was criticized if tasks or grades or whatever was being asked of me "wasn't good enough" and or didn't meet their expectation, I or my sibling experienced verbal/physical abuse. I remember, we were always compared to others, ridiculed, be-littled by authority figures; parents, family, relatives, & culture. So, in some way or another, I think this horrible experiences still informs my procrastination. And for me, my relationship with procrastination is very strange and negative. The way I think of my relationship with it is that if I procrastinate a task or assignment because I'm worrying about not doing it perfect and being negatively evaluated, I don't meet the deadline, and thus don't have to be evaluated. But, the other side of the coin, because I didn't turn it in, I have impacted my grades and or have been evaluated negative by the other for not turning it in. So, one way, I temporarily save face and my self-esteem, but in the long run, I end up harming myself for temporary relief of not being "evaluated negatively." And this being negatively evaluated is something that is informed by my fault thinking style, perceiving, and is not fact based. It's mere interpretation and using past"feelings" past experiences to inform todays experiences. Anyhow, that's my understanding of procrastination. I know that gaming impacts the ability to procrastinate by providing a medium of escape. The medium of escape would be avoiding being negatively evaluated. In some way or another, I believe, procrastination may have some correlation to social anxiety/performance anxiety. At-least, that is my understanding currently.

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story! Looking forward to reading your journal entry. Be sure to watch Cam ^ videos. They are very helpful!