Ah, I was mostly referring to your first relationship actually, because that’s kind of where your whole journal started from, at least if I can see it that way. I still remember reading it for the first time myself after the breakup with my very first girlfriend. I was in a really dark place back then, even had suicidal thoughts, and I related to what you wrote a lot. First girlfriend, first breakup… I honestly think that’s one of the worst things emotionally.
For me it also really started after that breakup, when I just couldn’t handle the fact that we weren’t together anymore. I started looking for porn with women who looked similar to my ex and imagining it was her, and I kind of slowly fell into it from there. I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else at the time, I was completely fucked mentally, and the porn just made everything worse. Eventually I couldn’t really function without it anymore.
I started researching all kinds of things about it, trying to go one day without porn, then two, trying to somehow control it. Later I ended up finding girls for hookups, but I couldn’t even finish during normal sex anymore. “Normal” sex started feeling boring to me because my brain was already so conditioned by porn.
Then I got into another relationship, but I still kept comparing her to the first girl. We had sex and everything, but I think maybe reality itself just stopped exciting me the same way… if you know what I mean. She genuinely tried to help me, we tried different things, but I just… wasn’t into it. And even then it somehow still never felt like enough.
I think with porn addiction you really have to understand where the breaking point happened. Why it started in the first place, what was missing in your life at that moment, what exactly your brain attached itself to and why. Personally I think it often comes from some kind of dissatisfaction, maybe boredom in relationships, routine, the intimacy no longer feeling new or exciting anymore, something like that.
For me it was definitely triggered by the breakup, but for a lot of guys I’ve talked to, it seems to come more from boredom and the routine of long-term relationships.
I wouldn’t say I’m fully out of it even now, but it’s definitely much better than it used to be. Sports help me a lot, especially running and working out. Whenever I get the urge to watch porn, I usually try to go for a run or do something physical instead.
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Heretic666 ·
