Tired of failing myself. Tired of being addicted and destroying my life.    I turn to social media because it's easy. I'm also afraid of doing something new and not being good at it instantly even though that's part of the process    I know what I have to do, I'm just not applying it.   New bedtime is going to be 9:30-10:00pm and I'm going to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. Sleep is the first thing I want to address. Productive members of society go to bed at a normal time    Going to journal my progress here every day again 

I will read these books on perfectionism listed here. I will try to take out fears one by one to feel free again. I just have to fight back and show improvement on a monthly basis. Thank you for your response. Some of the things i wrote may sound strange, but taunts do play a beneficial role. Good natured Taunts made me overcome fear on many occasions in my younger years. Anything of value requires you to fight fear, greed, laziness. I refuse to accept anyone is lost. If you made progress today (ignoring the negativity) you have done yourself good.

It's sad to say, but the initial exploration of some parts of my worst game were sometimes/often sources of confidence to probe just a little further out in the wider world. I for one pretty much always enjoy your posts, dude. They give me the sense that you are actually/have been truly out there in the world - workplaces, sports, etc. I am medicated, and don't need much except consistent kindness - dreams, re-reads and mental replays are renewed almost every day. But I feel you on the subject of various seeking of thrills (I have a work out plan memorised that repeats in a slightly different order monthly, with a couple of 'cheat days', meaning do whatever I feel like (including sit-ups and weighted walks/cardio)), and trying to show adequate interest in obviously attractive people - though in some cases, people are so clearly meant to be spoken with that I need no permission. Even then, the words, 'Would you want to go on a date sometime?' require some, perhaps overly-encouraging cues. I have hope for us! I've been calling adulthood the ability to compromise and competently deal with others. If a person really can't do that, then they should simply receive the care that regular children (as they effectively are) deserve, until they can. Is that wrong? The problem indeed could be maintaining a said growth or fixed mindset. Tying in with attacks/abuse, I used to try to be the either an equal or better responder to each and every situation, up until an ex suggested the notion of NPD. I thought that if I relaxed more in all situations (and consequently let some opportunities/duties pass by), I would get along better. Slippery slope. Perfectionism relating to starting projects or formal essays like in high school always started with a very carefully-worded phrase/premise. Finding a flow could be hard, and on more than one occasion, I'm sure that several people posed helpful distractions to me as a sort of motivation/reward expectation for when I was partially/completely finished - only we have sworn off of gaming as one of them. Seeing that honest and open pain motivated me to type something here - as well as not successfully starting any conversations with my last journal post yet. Relatable? 🙂 To me, it's worth verbally questioning the usefulness of leaning on survival mechanisms - if only because people tend to misunderstand mine. Words are great, when timed well. That said, being beyond the release of tears is almost no life as well. Again, there could be plenty of hope, defining privately what you will and won't/can and can't do. Good luck all.

Is this even resolvable? Ever? I am 4 years into the detox, but a certain method is slowly killing all enjoyment and peace. I only have got worries left. And now it’s not actual situations that give me grief but the worries and recollections themselves.  i used to be the happiest in times of celebration. But now, the fear has grown so out of proportion, that it is there in the background, im largely acting out happy to prevent others from seeing how ridiculous it got. My mind is a stupendous riddle for how it is inflicting torture. It has affected sleep. And i cannot run away from myself. Every facet of it has become so banal. I think i have employed self reflection as a therapy, but, 4 years on, i have grown absolutely indifferent to people in general. I skip through what they say. I mean i listen to them, but i know what they are going to say. I don't give importance to how i am dressed or how i present myself. I am not rude, and i don't dress badly, just do the bare minimum. I want to try sky diving or anything of that kind to break out from that madness even if for a minute. I am not talking about it, i actually don't have anything to lose by jumping from an airplane with a parachute in my back pack. I no longer care about attractive women out of fear. I don't have that healthy response from teens of acting honestly polite and showing good faith effort to them. I show just the basic recognition, but i’ve got no attraction at all. The fear is so strong. I got back to reading kids horror stories from my childhood. Some of these stories depict fantastic situations that a kid encounters, like switching bodies with an animal, and the mental torture and depression that ensues. The torture is well delivered. It’s strangely awakening reading these stories. The authors i read, for some reason made the main character as always the loser, always the guy who is going to get hunted and hurt. I remember wanting to get that story where the main character is the winner and comes to somebody’s aid, but no. The main character just manages to get out of trouble and save somebody, by the skin of his teeth. The authors i read chose this premise, and the kids at my school did hunt me but they were merciful.   They were, i remember how they showed a certain care for me when they attacked me. I couldn't eat food from how stressed i felt, but i felt a relief from survival mechanisms activating. The tears felt good, the fear of a fight gave the shivers, but after the fight i got a certain pass from them and recognition, even if i got hurt and hid it from my parents. Those abusers were like oxygen after a while. They gave me the most human years of my life. It’s far worse when nobody is attacking you and your survival instinct has been brought to naught. Then when you do get attacked, the body cant function properly in survival mode anymore. So it just breaks you. The people in adult life cannot offer that mercy and care anymore. Not because they are worse than the kids at school, (they may be far more violent, i believe grown ups have capacity to be far more damaging), but it is  that i created something from years of social media and video gaming. That isolation did it.  I checked up if any authors wrote about a poison that fools a young kid about thinking that the monsters are his friends and they did. Its just that the real life poison is so rotten and multifaceted, you don't get rid pf it by just throwing away the games.

Food Schedule Update 6.6-19.6 (Not including 19.6) By the way it's a miscalculation that it's 'till 6.6 but I'll go with it. Everything remains the same apart from 1. 2 oranges instead of one on Fridays, because they were smaller at the store 2. coconut oil - added 15g to non running days - total 45 (that is because I dropped amost 1 kg since my last bi weekly measurement and i was underweight already then. Plus I'm adding a bit more duration to my runs 30 at non-running days(Instead of 60g olive oil), 60 on running days (replacing 45 coconut oil and 60g olive oil), meaning Sundays usually 4. The moving of meals for Monday with the run and a half I am to keep as it is for now, I do not want to reduce the calories when I do two workouts before eating a new meal, I'd want to have the meal the closest to the fast day when i have two workouts without eating afterwards 5. Almonds 10 more grams everyday because I'm increasing the running amount 6. Pears may be replaced one for one with apples because they were left since two weeks ago where I accidentally didn't included them and decided not to eat them because of it 7. Raisins may be replaced one for one with cranberries. since they're about to run out 8. Quinoa 40 grams replaces lentils and on the next week 70g lentils replaces 40g quinoa 9. If there is something I simply didn't write but was planning, I allow myself 'till friday for clarifications