Tuesday morning, day 21: One or two nights as a teenager, I dreamt of 'hell'/'the pit'. It was simply a deep well of a hole, which expanded at the bottom to hold a supermarket-like selection of high-sugar and fatty foods - no protein to be found, actually, unless you count the 5% content of it in things like chips or candy bars. Fair enough, as I only had a dim idea back then that it was meats and the like, that kept me 'full' at any hour of the day. I always sort of knew at the back of my mind what was going to be bad for me in the long term. I just rarely had those kinds of conversations to instil an idea like that; only, 'your final high school year is 'coming' (during a car trip, 3 years away from the year I spent every spare hour gaming)' in an ominous/foreboding tone. I had a lot to look forward to, long-term. No, not really.  The point in mentioning the above is because I liked having a conscience at the back of my mind - not because it had less influence there, but because I was able to focus on tasks at hand. I had a good relationship with it, paying easy attention to 'red flags' day to day. But yesterday, and frequently since living alone, there is usually a fight for space at front of mind. I found myself thinking of the formerly-held-as-an-excuse line, 'Lost faith in humanity/Faith in humanity restored', used at a seeming whim. I go back to an even earlier post, and lament the loss of simple goodness as a way of being - or rather, responding to every significant need that I detected, online or offline. I mean, what happened? Are we as a society losing the battle to perhaps, ASPD sufferers who've collectively or powerfully-individually given in to the most basic of ego demands - that 'everybody ought to be like me'? I feel strongly about this because I've pretty much always worn a protective role, even when the protected-to-be display ASPD-like traits. I always figured I could 'handle' external issues to the best of my ability. Unfortunately, mental rehearsals for situations can be intrusive at times, and hard to keep track of. There were global group chats built in to my previous online game, where if it weren't for the fear of being 'reported' and 'muted'/'banned' in-game, things would probably have been as conversationally bad as they could get on the internet. I couldn't begin to 'handle' the worst of those group chats, and even if I joined one, desperate to socialise without any gameplay at all, somehow I'm sure that motive would be sniffed out, and savaged viciously in easy-(or even hard)to-come-by words. That was one of the saddest parts of it in later days. I've used words that way (as weapons to hurt and discourage) during my first journey through the game's levels. I had become morally misguided by it. As a kind of vigilant kid, I recognised the power of such a trait, but not always the responsibility. Figures, right? Back then, the closest I got to an online reprimand for that behaviour was the simple, mere question of 'Why do you do this?' - or something close to it. I've been asked that a few years later, 'Why do you play this game?' And finally, when I let another player escape a teammate and I in the 'danger zone' (with considerable 'risk', but no 'reward' to us, under the circumstances), I was told I had 'a good heart'.  I don't want to lose any natural gifts I still have, but I'm wondering if skills inputs will have to far outweigh mere effort outputs in the near future. Will I eventually absolutely have to spend more hours 'outside' of home than in, trying an all-manner of new tasks and challenges offline, in order to keep a hold of them? Finally, a word about yesterday's post (which should stand as a recorded 'low' point) - I think I was half-triggered by the usual conversational shortcut, that is a choice to 'play upon' a feeling or two, yet-unexpressed in words. That is my only demand these days; follow the process with patience - refrain from pouncing upon me with something like, 'I can see that you're upset, and probably for this reason, but there's no time for that'. No, maybe not for an abuser, but for everyone who is capable of caring, there is. Each day, I intentionally rest/idle around until I know I can contribute wholly to the offline world, taking into account my conditions. The journey is getting there without games. Peace all, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ A second 'hell' dream, which this time half-served as a reminder to turn down the heat in my room - still eerie ~ The extra sleep I got didn't mess with my system much ~ A bit of knowing-compassion at the grocery shop ~ Slowly finished Harry Potter book 6. I still have Dickens's 'Great Expectations' 2/3 remaining, but it's hard to lose myself in pleasurably 😕 

Entry 28.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2767 (80th birthday) Got to write things accomplished this week, but not today as I really want to get going on all this sleeping ordeal 😉 Day 194: No Useless Videos Day 1026: Sticking to Food schedule Day 629: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 7: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Afternoon workout - Watching 4 parking videos - Finishing lesson summary 1 Thing I could do better - Organize food after I'm done eating because it makes me go to sleep later than planned =/ because I maintain a 4 hour space between sleep and food Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 196

So I'm starting an ADHD screening tomorrow, finally. I think all the time I spent with my family this summer really made me see things more clearly. I can see that many of my siblings, as well as my mother, are struggling with keeping balance in life. They either have attention issues, difficulties setting boundries or burn out from stress easily. We all cope with life in various ways; my mother watches a lot of TV and play mobile games, my older sister likes to clean her apartment to an obsessive detail, my little sister gets emotional shutdowns from too much social activity and my brother has a habit of talking too much and always being restless, which makes him hard to be friends with over time. It's kinda tragic when I see how much of this might've been resolved, or at least brought to the surface, if we just connected the dots earlier. Lots of our relatives have varying degrees of ADHD and/or ASD, so the signs have always been there. But as kids we were always just within the boundries of normality that the red flags never went off. And even though we have learnt to cope with life as adults, I still think it would've helped us immensely if there was a known pattern to refer to in order to create more realistic strategies. I heard someone say that the later half of life is about dealing with the first half of life. Maybe this is true in this case, or for me at least, because I've never looked back this much on how life has treated me. From my addictions to my social mannerisms, or what truly makes me feel meaning and happiness. I think this is the first time I've realized that I might've chosen the wrong path in terms of what I work with. I have no doubt that I have a great skillset for what I do at the moment, but my current field just takes too much energy and flips the switch on me in too many scenarios. I used to think that having a vehicle-related profession was too simple of a life for me, but If I look back on my childhood this is what always caught my interest. Even this summer, when I went with my nephew to a local farm place, my attention was brought to some of the tractors and digging machines there. This is why I love motorsport so much, and why the only thing that really appealed to me when I was working in the industry was driving a forklift. I'm excited to explore some of these new realizations in conjuction with my upcoming ADHD evaluation. I'm learning how to find my balance more easily and to stay focused on what really motivates me in life. All without fixating on a sense of prestige or trying to force myself into someone elses image of me. At the end of the day I want my brain to feel invigorated and not fully drained from my tasks. I want a reality that feels predictable but stagnant; where there is still exciement over new things, but the stress of going out of my comfort zone is within my limits. At the moment I can see myself working with youth on certain weekends, and driving a truck during daytime. If I can create a reality that looks something like that I think I will be very satisfied. Hopefully I'll get a chance to explore it soon enough.

Monday morning, day 20: I was eager to come online here to discuss a local news article I read yesterday about imminent civilisational collapse (lol), but as @Yan already mentioned, I also kept getting redirected to a clothing website instead of GQ. Maybe because this is an important place for everyone trying to keep away from tech/game addiction, I thought of the worst case scenarios concerning the forum. I spent some time reading (and scrolling - text-based posts) elsewhere instead.  ^ For example, a bit of the 'Surrounded by x/y' theory by Thomas Erikson. The article I read, I could have happily dismissed as controversy/stimulation-hungry 'Yellow' behaviour, saved only by the bravery/courage of questioning everything and everyone - not exactly a new idea. As I often say, my own values changed very little. But how to think? Well, if I could control the visual pleasure of seeing a strikingly blue car (The Simpsons -'not easily impressed' 😄) while out and about, maybe I would, but I'd rather give it the several seconds it deserves (like other things/thoughts) and act accordingly if it's actually a big deal for me and those whom I've spent time with.  Last night and the night before, I had detailed gaming dreams. One included being awarded 'the rarest loot', and the decision of whether to share it, before waking up (because it didn't matter). The disturbing part was imagining what it would be like to literally pick up the shape of the item in my hand (it looks like a boomerang in two-dimensional). That particular item only ever held monetary value in my eyes, but still.  I also had to self-motivate big time to get to the gym yesterday (Sunday), but it was worth it just to stretch and leg press for awhile. Clinical, and probably a near-best as well. I just couldn't make the trip out feel 100% positive, somehow. At least I beat most of the anxiety. There will be a similar and significant test to try and overcome later today. I aim to do what I can and report back. Edit: I went to test the environment early before I was due, and I mostly received bad signs and then primal discomfort. It often crosses my mind, wondering where forcefulness/aggression would get me for minor roadblocks, but I didn't even get that far today. So I turned back home, and found a neighbour out front, whom I talked with/listened to for awhile, and whom assured me that 'in this climate', I should focus on personal happiness. Today was a kind of health check-up I'd scheduled, but more for a certain physical mystery to be solved. I think the revelation finally was that I simply don't care enough. I keep saying that I've lived my best already, and accept that no matter what I do, someone's going to say that it isn't enough. Almost best to live like a burden to official systems, until natural strengths prevail/are deemed necessary - because instinctive reactions to it don't seem to work while I am a minority. What I won't do is tell other people that their heads are out-and-out wrong. I will continue to show compassion and forgiveness. Gratitude: ~ I got so 'bored' that I read over my amateur, fictional novel-to-be. However, I knew that getting into it yesterday would drain a few hours, and I went outside instead. Maybe this week. ~ Breakfast juice ~ I read to the end of Harry Potter 6, but recognised the sadness of its ending, and follow-through to the last book, and have paused. One person online called the last book(s) a 'cash grab'. Such raw cynicism isn't healthy, is it? There are many good things about each of the stories in the series too.  ~ Waking up feeling clear-headed this past weekend

Nope, I had that too since 24 hours ago - first time back successfully through PC browser. Plus the GameQuitter homepage usually comes up first despite entering the forum link directly. 😮