Saturday is here. I have mixed feelings about yesterday (Friday). On the one hand: I made really good progress getting some code changes deployed at work I had good talks with my ADHD coach and my manager about me getting better, being more productive and staying on top of communicating with them For ITAA, they reached back with some helpful resources to get me started. They recommended specifically: Join 6 meetings in a short period to see if ITAA is right for me, and to look for the ones labeled for beginners in their calendar Links to three pages: "Tools for Recovery", "A guide for newcomers", and "Discovering sobriety worksheet" On the other hand... I did try to fit some of these meetings during my workday, which I admit I overthought quite a bit and it led to me wasting some work time. I am taking this advice seriously, but I recognize that I have to do some reflecting here too. The reason I probably overthought it is because I didn't really discuss the meetings with my wife. And well, hindsight is 20/20; obviously I should do that first, before I even think of scheduling online meetings, however helpful they are. We have 3 kids, that's just the reality of my life, and I cannot just schedule things for myself without coordinating taking care of children. I think part of my hesitancy to bring this up is that I feel embarrassed about needing help, and I know that I shouldn't feel this way now. I know that it takes strength to admit you need help. So instead of jumping right into the schedule things, I will talk with her first. That, and I'm also going to read over those links in more detail as well. In particular, the sobriety worksheet; that one looks like it will be really helpful for me to lay down a foundation. When I complete it - which may be tomorrow - I'll post it here too. I am going to work on it with pen and paper first, so that I unplug myself from the computer.

Entry 28.9 Day 729: No Useless Videos Day 726Sticking to Food schedule Day 329: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 34: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Morning workout -16 pomodoros -30 minutes of visualization   1 thing I could do  better -Move banana to lunch too and see how it goes?

Thank you. I just recommend understanding why you're attracted to games and maybe there's a way to stimulate that sensation with something at work or home? I needed to multitask a lot as part of my game addiction but now I just work on too many projects at once at work and it gives me that high I looked for with gaming. 

Things are getting better overall. I have stopped working with the guy who bothers me and it's been a huge relief. I'm going to avoid him forever now and I'm happy with that. Work is great otherwise and I'm learning a lot with my new promotion.  I'm sort of getting more sleep on average. I'm still waiting eagerly for my son to be a little more independent. He's in a phase where he either wants to be held or when he's on his own, he rolls onto his stomach and can't roll back or crawl yet, so he cries. This happens within seconds of putting him down.  So he's either on one of us or on a chair with straps whenever he's not asleep or doing tummy time and learning to crawl. It's a lot at the moment.  I find that my wife and I are doing better with stress but there's still time where we get frustrated with each other. But we're finding amicable ways to communicate our issues and come to good resolutions without arguing or fighting. I want a peaceful home.  I'm losing weight still but I'm still kind of miserable in life. I wake up, take care of baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of my baby for an hour, work for 4 hours, take care of baby for 4 hours, and then sleep. I'm not doing anything to recharge besides sleep.  I'm not miserable because I'm with my family I love my son more than life itself and cherish it. I'm just noticing I don't have time to do hobbies or just exist and look at the phone. 

Days #9/10/11 Thursday: I honestly don't remember much about it now, 2 days later, which I'm ashamed of - but my chores have been done all the same. Friday: The gold; attending a coffee meet and then a life skills program, out of the house with people from 10am-5pm. By the time the day was over, I felt healthy in the interactions department. However, I have missed being driven (almost by sheer loneliness!) in exercising this week - I may have done 2 weighted hour walks so far? Saturday: ^ A late weighted walk, after my first real studio group fitness class in the morning. I have new inspiration in the form of split squats and perhaps giving up barbell shoulder press for dumb/kettlebells/plates. I also want to warm up to and properly give burpees another try now. Both outings today boosted my mood, but I began yet another in-game goal. When I let music that isn't my taste switch on and played at the same time, I actually felt kind of unwell.  Yeah, isolation is like a root problem. People who feel strongly are a big source of motivation for me when I hang around with them. I would much rather balance emotions and logic than go to extremes with one alone, but even that is a feeling. Fact is, I'm a fan of the Midnight Oil lyric, "It's better to die on your feet (working) than to live on your knees!", which I take fairly literally too. Although, it's not like I haven't lived like that a lot already. I was never that great at being rationally positive online beyond cheering people on in often strangely-expressed ways. I understand that it probably does help, but it takes away from my reserves of energy to support people I meet in person or know very well - authenticity too. My main news app has been out of action on my phone the last 2 days, and I've actually found that tough for missing their particularly-worded articles, accessible at the tap of a finger. My gym reception buddy finished up today telling me that even anger (I assume he means the desperate/pleading kind - less destructive) is better than giving/offering nothing, but we both live with 'the 'tism', as he put it once. Even though I offer plenty, I am afraid to invest everything into any situation that IMO should be made to go well/receive my contributions, for potentially getting spurned or ridiculed. As for compulsive loops, the repetition in my RPG is obvious. For example, I clicked to build a virtual dwelling - and instead of gradually improving and sharing every aspect of it (even online) with other players, I opted to repetitively 'rush' towards maximum benefit for myself alone. That may have covered the challenge of patience and also the pro of security (in a few ways). Honestly, like @Ikar said of his own ability, I know that more real and relevant achievements are very possible, I'm again just afraid of intense competition, wrongdoing and general off-sidedness between myself and others along the way. In short, I actually don't much want to be 'too good' - I want to see sufficiently good things for everyone. Keep plugging man, and happy weekend all. Matt