June #24 - Day #3 Waking up today felt blessed, and I'm putting that largely down to yesterday's efforts and being with others in person - maybe also because it all happened on a Sunday. Determined not to waste it, I microwaved oats then went straight to the nice, green park to walk laps. I only stopped slightly sooner than planned because of two intimidating-looking dogs on the path; I took the fear into consideration for a good enough moment to decide.  I've been cleaned up and settled, knowing that I could even finish reading + writing down the road rules today. But whilst driving competently would be a huge confidence boost, I also fear negative emotions that might arise behind the wheel in traffic, say, for me - you know, what with almost random tangential thinking. And focus can be a double-edged sword if I try to beat those fears away with it. Mainly though, I just want an actual license to call my own, and the returned ability to drive if urgently required. Driving in the end, when I first learnt, still felt a lot like a game to me when I was ready for it, and I didn't feel good deep down about getting 'hot under the collar' with any adequate skill. I don't see myself as a better 'walker' or public transport-taker than anyone else, but driving.. Anyway. __________ Gratitude: ~ except for the indecision (maybe a big deal!) before getting to the park in the green and sun, playing the computer (because I have no gaming consoles) hasn't seemed important - which is good because I always truly wanted offline experiences to go OK for me first and foremost ~ the source of my stranger feelings was probably having delayed showering because we had no hot water in our building over the weekend - that also said, I appreciated it way more today ~ maybe I hope it's a phase of pleasure, but reading (or is it the re-reading part) 'IT' again has mainly been for the thought/excitement of certain parts, not the moral/overall story - I do know how it goes mostly, after all - I just know that reading is an important thing to do and want to have it as an continual option  ~ I only rediscovered that some of my medication should be taken with food - while feeling low, I was sitting on them with only a cup of tea in the morning for up to 2 hours. It's been a week, and maybe that's made a difference. I don't want to 'talk up' gaming so much if it was as well, since we're here, so we'll see after some more time Peace, Matt  

Entry 23.6 ( Written on 24.6) Day 632: No Useless Videos Day 631: Sticking to Food schedule Day 233: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 224: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Visited police country headquarters -When they rejected entrance gone t the second place with a bu that they redirected me to -Despite still not getting the permit, doing my best and continuing to job 1 thing I could do better -Take my earphones so that I could call the required numbers during work without appearing to be on the phone all the time

The mental athletics involved in just getting a game in, it's hard to actually believe it until it's all written down. Welcome back! 😄 

June 23 - Day #2 I spent the day out, first with the social group and then with my nan - with my uncle visiting her at the same time! Oddly though, I didn't find the specific feelings I was chasing but appreciated everyone alongside me just as well. Some of the time today, I thought about the act of sitting at my desk with my game and music playing as a distant happy place, but not the only one, nor one I absolutely have to visit. For example, it's early Sunday evening and I'd much rather 'chill out' in again slightly less happy ways, but just as joyful, if that makes sense. I don't want to demand random number generation (RNG) on my screen(s) very much right now, with the 'content' I would intend to play at. I see that as appreciation of both choices. However, there were several moments of near-panic for potentially catching/missing the wrong public transport today. The last moment I overcame ended with a kind of affirmation - that 'stress is positively correlated with delusions', in agreement with myself about a near-same movie line, I think. And that sounded OK to me; the best I could do to calm myself. For it was just negative thinking about everything instead of acceptance/appreciation of what was happening there and then. So possibly, the ('everything in') moderation is working so far as I can try to see from outside of myself; I'll try to stay aware and mindful and see what I can make of the next week. ______________ Gratitude: ~ winning a shopping voucher for making sure I wore the group t-shirt ~ playing a light version of tennis with everyone else, who were real champions ~ generally seeing ideas for potential routine actions better ~ I have another idea - as to why I felt less awkward (and grateful for that), but I may be able to confirm it tomorrow Plan to see you then! Matt  

So I've been going back and thinking about the process that I went through during my recent relapse. I listed some of these things when I initially started playing again but this time I'll do more of a summary of the timeline as it unfolded. It will help me keep track of why things happened the way that they did and if it would ever happen again I can hopefully identify the warning signs quicker by reading this post.   1. End of summer: I was going back home after having spent my entire semester with my family, who all live very far away. I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness for the first time as I didn't have anyone to hang out with suddenly and also no games to attend to. Previous years I always longed to get back home so I could start gaming again so I never reflected over the fact that I didn't have many friends or that I perhaps wanted to spend even more time with my family. This particular summer felt very meaningful in a new and fascinating way and unfortunately I didn't realize this fully until I got home and was left alone. 2. Beginning of autumn: I finally confessed my love to a girl I've had feelings for since at least a year back. She rejected me unfortunately (but in the best possible way) and we parted ways. I felt both very relieved but also sad that I had invested so much of myself into something that never came into fruition. My feeling of loneliness was enhanced further and I was left feeling a bit hopeless and directionless. During my therapy sessions I got teary eyes for the first time as I realized I was ready to become a father. The girl that I was in love with just had a child and I was trying to prepare myself for the reality of maybe becoming a father. When I expressed that thought I felt I was genuinly ready for it and it struck a sensitive nerve in me. 3. Mid-autumn: A lot of changes happened at work with a new manager in place. I could feel my collegues being more anxious than normal and of course it took a toll on me as well. I missed our old manager and didn't feel much joy in starting up new projects at work. This is when the opportunity to do the e-sports event arised and even though it frightened me a bit I jumped on the wagon and took off. During the event I got in contact with some gamers that played sim-racing games and this made me buy a racing rig almost instantly. 4. Beginning of winter: I started playing F1 games with my new racing rig but quickly started to think about other kinds of games. I was also caught in my usual loop of trying to perfect the game by checking off achievements, exploring every game mode thoroughly, thinking about what order I should do things and so on. The F1 game eventually became less satisfying for the cravings that I felt so I started playing some other games. I was however feeling lots of shame doing this and it felt like I was really back on square one again, so I bailed out and deleted my gaming account. This is when I made the post on Game Quitters about my relapse. 5. Mid-winter: I still had lots of cravings and couldn't stop thinking of all the possibilities of gaming again. I found out that I could limit my way of gaming by getting help from a specific friend. This way I could potentially play anything that I wanted and maybe, just maybe, have it under control. We proceeded to set up some pretty harsh boundries together and I started playing short indie games on my PC. It worked quite well initially but I was left unsatisfied with the PC platform and the way it handled certain aspects surrounding the games. I didn't have the same satisfying feelings of doing achievements as on my PS5 for example. So eventually I quit the PC account and proceeded to buy a PS5 and a brand new TV. I was doing long lists of games that I should play and set up a deadline for when I was supposed to have played the very last game on the list. Of course this caused a lot of stress in me and over time it built up so much that I was just left with a strong feeling of anxiety and regret. It all peaked when I was about to launch the very first game on my list and I just immediately froze and became aware of what was about to happen; so I quickly returned the PS5 and TV to the store and got all my money back. 6. End of winter: During all of this I had constant check-in's with my friend about my progress and we had long talks together where I reflected over what had happened and she responded with her own reflections. I started to get the feeling that I was perhaps manipulating the way I explained things in order to make them appear less alarming. I was at the same time telling her that I had found new joy in gaming again and that I was hopeful that it would work this time. Being understanding and caring she kind of went along with almost anything I said. I eventually came with the suggestion to start playing only racing games again, as a way of taking some steps back and being more careful. Of course this didn't lead to any real change whatsoever. 7.  Spring: I eventually stopped playing racing games (once again) and this time I convinced myself that portable gaming and Nintendo would be my salvation, as I grew up with Nintendo games and perhaps would rediscover some of that past joy. In some ways this happened of course but I also realized that I wanted to play on a portable device so that I could take it with me anywhere I wanted. I used this as some sort of excuse to get out more and visit new places far away. But this never really happened as I was stressed about the fact of not being able to play a specific way if I wasn't home or at least close to home. I was also caught up in a very long game that bored me half-way through. I finally realized that I was continuing to play the game even though I didn't like it particularly much and I was left thinking about other things I wanted to do as I was playing it. I for example thought about wanting to learn the piano or photograph more. Eventually this thought process completely overtook me and I stopped playing for three days straight to get some sort of mental pause. I realized then that I had not rolled up the blinds at home for about two weeks and I was also getting sore in my back as I was constantly lying on my couch to game. There were suddenly so many alarming signs that It had taken a turn for the worse. I proceeded to sell all my gaming equipment again and erased all the accounts associated with them. 8. Beginning of summer: This is where I'm at now where I've decided to quit this interest once and for all. I thought about what helped me quit the very first time and used that strategy to pull me out of it. I knew that I needed a new hobby and something to occupy my mind for the upcoming months so I signed up for some piano classes and looked around for a piano to buy. I also really started to focus on the planning of my Iceland trip (I'm going this sunday!) and realized how little I'd used my camera for the past 6 months. Once again I felt that gaming had started to take something away from me that was crucial for my well being and personal progress. As I type all of this it becomes so clear to me that I never was on a good path to begin with and even though I thought I had my mind in the right place all I did was to prolong the inevitable. I'm glad I'm back here again and that my eyes are open once again. Hopefully it will stay this way now and I'll never have to write a relapse statement ever again!