"Calling the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution." Heh, say what? Sorry Ikar :X You know what I miss? Prepubescent years when all I had were ideas about how girls would sound having my last name, or vague jealousies when my hand wasn't the only one ever held in a 'buddy' system walking to and from classrooms. Otherwise, out in the schoolyard, we were all just friends. I had a thought in the gym this morning sort of about specialisation (and trust in other people's specialties) or the 'classes' on that train in 'Snowpiercer'. Obviously, I thought, I'm preferably one of these big dumb bull/workhorse types - which wouldn't bother me if I felt no pressure at all to be informed on everything and hyper-social, to make up for the anti-social that seems to be everywhere at times. I miss 'losing' control, in times when I felt that myself and everyone around were in flow-states, completely oblivious to any deep-seated problems that either could be side-stepped or forgotten until bedtime. But these days I have to have an idea of how I want everything to go, I guess. Today, I was doing squats next to someone making the most lifting noises and even 'erratic' movements by far I've ever witnessed. Miraculously, I was almost completely unbothered by him individually, but could still sort of feel everyone else's nervousness. Also, he just had to be a different ethnicity and thus to my basest instincts could be unpredictable, or I could fail badly trying to relate to him/start up a conversation. I made sure not to grunt even once, taking deep and slow breaths. Anyway, I'm probably not alone here either in always admiring your progress/updates man. I'm thinking liking and maybe distinguishing between one's own qualities and supposedly inherited ones is helpful. Control, or simply not-fumbling. Maybe. Good luck 👍

Entry 21.6 ( Written on 22.6) Day 630: No Useless Videos Day 629: Sticking to Food schedule Day 231: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 222: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Handing in physically a request for a foreigner ID number -Printing out all he documents I have gathered for the visa -Ordering a flight 1 thing I could do better -try asking the other woman whether I could hand in a part of the documents to speed up the process, so that we start the procedure 30 days in advance and those will be checked meanwhile that we're waiting for the last 2

17 June - 21 June: I finished the pre-course task for CELTA on Monday. I worked out on Tuesday and wrote mails asking for the redesign of my website. I had a great meeting about the website on Wednesday and it turned out pretty great and was very inspirational. The guy actually advocated the idea (as a web-designer himself) that the web I made myself is in a good enough shape. He said that all that it needed was traffic and that the traffic would be cheaper via using PPC. I set up two other meetings with web-designers, but I think his wholesome approach is actually what I'm looking for. We'll see. I finished Wednesday with a few friends playing a pub quiz. Thursday morning saw me watching porn after a month. I didn't have a reason for it; I just wanted to do it. I have to say it was underwhelming overall. I told my girlfriend pretty much right after. I haven't had any thoughts about porn since. I feel rather apathetic about it. It did however prompt a discussion with my girlfriend in how are we going to manage our sex life. Even with two or so months of relatively little porn use, I fail to get predictably aroused or have a desire to have sex without any, ehm, physical effort. My girlfriend and I set up a plan to deal with that. I think sexual uncertainty (even if solely from my side) could make me use porn. I believe that porn is a remnant of my teenage years, when I didn't have any sex and really any relationship. Therefore, I shouldn't need it and I don't think I need it for the last few years. I just want to be in control of it. - Yesterday was also destabilizing for another reason. There's been objective progress on my grandma's kitchen in the last month or so; ever since I got back from Slovenia, I made it my priority. My brother, my father, my girlfriend, another friend and I all chipped in. We set up a few cabinets, measured dimensions, discussed the steps, set up the plan of works... And she's throwing a tantrum. Now. Asking questions, when everything she needed to know has been already answered. When we're planning it in exactly such a way as not to cause any disruption in her flat; she still has the old kitchen fully operational. Sending messages and calling left and right. Stressing out my mom who is recovering her mental health in a spa. Accusing my brother of messing up her sink while measuring some dimensions. Harassing my father to call the gasman just a day or two after we came up with the final solution. (What for? Because some random hags on the street comment on it. Really.) And thus spitting on all my effort I've put into this the last month by disregarding it and behaving irrationally. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the second half of the last year, when I was working on getting my diploma on top of my regular work. I'd have understood criticizing lack of progress at in the first few months of this year, when I was working on finding a flat to move in and finally moving in with my girlfriend. It's beyond my comprehension why I (we) get such a reaction now when there definitely isn't a lack of progress. The result? An unplanned visit to her tomorrow, with my father, a gasman and I. After the gas work is done, I plan to let her know the above, in a more polite way. I also refuse the abuse of my mom, my father and my brother. It's really the most abuse I've been subject to in years. I refuse to be abused, by anyone.

Entry 20.6 ( Written on 21.6) Day 629: No Useless Videos Day 628: Sticking to Food schedule Day 230: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 221: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Writing email to embassy specifying my situation -3 calls regarding police permit -1 hour workout in the morning  1 thing I could do better -Forget these " in the middle of the night wakeups" and starting to look forthings on the internet. Een though I already had worse case scenarios and it was only one hour today still it's too much.

June 21 - Day #0 It's Friday, and what I want to be able to do the most is patch things up (mostly in my mind) with my social event group (after missing last weekend's event). This hopefully means being able to greet everybody at this weekend's event quickly by name, and remember about half of the conversations I had 2 weeks ago. There is also a (hard?)-core of people who stay on Discord for some voice chat gaming on Monday and Friday now. I want to be able to hang out there socially, even if it means I don't play at all. ^ Speaking of games, I decided to use the 'reward' of 1 hour online in the evening, after I'd done almost everything I thought I was obliged to do. What that did was get me singing to myself as I went throughout the 2nd half of the day, and through a second bout of exercise, plus chores.  Here are some of the outcomes: ~ Since last week felt very long, signing in for that 1 hour felt definitely other-worldly, and yet I remembered the 5 needs and kept in mind how I was going to fulfil them regardless of that hour.  ~ I did think about the 'future' of my profile more than I did normally during the sum total of 2 months without gaming this year so far, so I tried to focus back on the importance of achieving 'offline' during the day ~ Somehow, making sure I was without further desire by 7pm made its way into the mix, so yesterday was kind of a motivated 'failure' by last week's standards reported here ~ I did not sleep restlessly last night, as I did the 3 nights prior, from going to bed too early. There was some remaining drowsiness for the first hour, but at least I wasn't unhappy this morning. ______________ Having read Vee's and Wildermyth's journal entries, I think I am now number 3 in 24 hours to admit to 'needing' a session. I want to know what (if not the feeling which led to it) made us come back/give in all at once!  I will monitor my thoughts and feelings closely again, and try to be as  productive as reasonably possible before dark, before and if I sign in. It may seem pointless to call it as such, but if I should keep a temporary streak of days when I do this, I think I'll still feel decent. EDIT: Day #1 (of 'moderation') I got out at midday for 90 minutes of weighted walking at a good pace, sweating only a little when the sun came out. Then I moved about the apartment doing everything (except play) a little at a time until 4pm. I replied a day late to a text from my Dad well enough, but after much painful deliberation on where I would want our next conversation to go (it's like that even without my own plan). Then I signed on at 4-5pm, and 6:30-7:30pm.  The 4-5pm period was a rest break. My game has always meant a kind of sweet oblivion, even though I care much less about my ability to play than I did at 18. I was 90% sure that it was not important whether the 5 needs gaming serves were met during either session. At 6pm, 'the boys' signed in, we made greetings, and then come 6:30 I was happily listening to and visualising their experience, not really thinking about what was on my screen or (mostly) about what else might be a 'better' use of my time here on a Friday evening. 2 hours somewhat prepared for, and I felt I rounded off my own day well. I don't expect life to be 'only me' all the time in either the nearer or distant future, but tonight I feel very grateful for technology and the efforts of the social group (members and staff). Don't get me wrong, tonight there was a whirlwind or two of chaotic thought for awhile, but 80% of it was good, or simply OK. If it doesn't seem right or safe to lose yourself for a significant portion of the day, be mindful. I will be doing the same. Good luck all. Matt