This is a bit of a risk, but I was reading and my brain hovered over something about sales tactics and general persuasion. If I've suggested sincerely, as my only piece of advice, that if a list of advantages is longer, outweighs or are substantially better than the list of disadvantages, a person should, or even must proceed - I still have doubts whether I could ever have meant it. Because there are needs I tend to have when it comes to convincing, like perhaps a well-and-fairly-fought battle being lost, in person, over a factsheet, in ordered company. I don't know, something like that. If it seems unfair, or to a lesser extent, inconsistent, I'm unlikely to properly participate. I would have some regret if I knew for certain that AllanJC/OP (here) read one or more of my posts this year and thought, 'F this, red flags and small bits of advice don't work on this Matt/Wheatbiscuit character', but I don't know. It just seemed plausible. I also however desire caution against the 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' line, when it comes to various communities. It would surprise me if Allan was gaming right now, to be honest. Rather, there probably are a few other places where decent education and skills would do better. Have you ever seen The Simpsons' AA meeting, where a character keeps a liquor bottle inside his shaped bible interior? If I could clearly see myself in that way; 'Yikes', indeed. No, I tried a small cost-benefit list everyday before signing in, but just didn't write it down. The difference is using those lists for serious personal gain, and what is being weighed against. I don't have all of those answers, but no one individual does, I think. That's why I've posted here at the same time as playing that game. Godspeed, all.

Wednesday morning, day 1: I spent the rest of yesterday reading. Now, I've had a solid sleep. But I think there's a problem, without the promise of any kind of genuine play (offline or online) - things like jogging and lifting, where I've tried almost everything, don't really count. They're productive. I simply forgot everything that was on my mind (except the lingering feeling of relief/guilt I last mentioned re: gaming), and seem to be left with only (the choice of) anger at things that, with my current routine and strategies, probably won't be solved. -> Things like sleeping for more than ten hours (probably medication soothing into that), relationships that won't progress because of a lack of willpower/social energy reserves. Edit: I apologize; I pleaded for more posts, you delivered, and I stayed grouchy too long - maybe it was delaying bed-making.  Another thing about my game was that no one was forced to do anything (only strongly compelled/psychologically lured). I lasted 2-3 years on it before I fell in love with an image of my character with an achievement, and thought about (then went ahead with 😞 one, and then more months spent doing the exact same thing in almost all of my spare time). Before yesterday, that was going to be 2 weeks obsessively and then 1 or 2 more months semi-obsessively. And the compulsion is barely there; it's just habit. The worst/best part was choosing content that made me think little to nothing about those parts of the game, making the whole ordeal mindlessly addictive, while still letting me progress with homework and sport. There hasn't been a lot to look forward to after I finished my 2023 90 day detox, unlike 2022 when I was 'studying' my hobbies, and could reminisce with the other students, then have enough on my mind to go and blow off steam on the game. The homework made me worry then, and if I felt I could have done all of it immediately, and have no study for the remaining 3/4 of the semester, I would have, but for social/relationship/life problems that I wanted to self-soothe about. We just can't have it all, can we? Is it fate for everyone to do/say a bunch of things carelessly, and then have to apologise when someone having a not-as-good-day pulls us up on them? Maybe when we're all forced together. Over.  Edit 2: I haven't gone and huffily deleted the game launcher on my computer yet, and all I had to do was stare at it for 10 seconds, picture the recent activities and again feel the previous days slide by to turn away, and own up to that here. I've been walking, after getting texts (some of them one-sided) from my Dad, about 'dropping some things off' to me, as if I knew I would benefit from that, and went the whole walk without checking my phone - which was good, because all I missed was a fake compromise and self-thumbs-upping. Well, I expect a visit anyway, because I said 'sure, this afternoon', unless I say/make it a no-go. Hopefully my non-care at the vagueness and convenience of it for him isn't a problem. Something @WilderDaze said earlier about online and offline personality, I let bother me while in the bathroom. Before I go there, it's interesting, the mere fact that I could be bothered by such a euphoric and growth-detailed post. It's like from the moment I realised there were rules in life, often repeated by family, I kept feelers out for 'hackneyed' narratives, and allowed myself to turn away or cringe, instead of try to work toward genuine agreement. I get the same deal, if I'm honest, when communicating, we say 'yeah' instead of 'yes' - one implying 'time to relax, in agreement', and the other, 'yes, I agree, but this is largely not a finished product/deal, yet'. ^-> Back to point, for sure, I stopped/toned down this disagreeable personality in order to fit in online. At the same time, constant conflict/dissatisfaction is incredibly tiring - but it's what makes me excited to 'tackle' a new day. I fancy I've seen, and even lived two extremes of timidity and the fully oppositional, so that I might be able to resume grinding away at real life, and settle for stability. It's just that, what with jumping-up-and-down outright accusations of personality-failure ('toxic/narcissistic/avoidant') at so many turns, I am derailed into rumination when there's actually nothing specifically relevant to my life. That's what I've been making (or trying to make) progress with upstairs as I do regular things. But allow myself to be 'that guy' who advocates straight-forward solutions again, and offline instead of online? Double-tough. I've seen what it has done to a few family members, and it's hard to see it as worthwhile. But if our communities and news outlets even slightly benefit.. well, maybe. Day 1 Gratitude: ~ The peace of mind that comes (and somewhat lasts) from not getting up early to fit in gameplay ~ Seeming recognising facial expressions that say 'this doesn't matter to me' and relishing my still-available choice to treat a scene differently ~ Reading and re-reading for more details ~ Water Peace, ~ Matt

1 Jul - 8 Jul: I've had the first week of summer and I have about 50% less lessons. I took that time to read the book "Getting to Yes" more often, did some swimming, cycling, hiking and working out at the gym. I also had a good meeting with my friend on Friday. I also watched Punished with my girlfriend. Work-wise, I've been working on the texts for my website, putting in an hour or two every day.  I've been a bit lazy yesterday and today, which doesn't feel great, but overall I am still getting important things done. I'll have the whole weekend for myself without my girlfriend, so I'll take the time to do something outside, hopefully it won't rain. 

I get that. I think of it in the way that we truly got to be the best version of ourselves while gaming to compensate for the bad real-life version of ourselves. Contrary to pop wisdom, just because a person spends all of their time online at home doesn't mean that they are introverted. I streamed online and had many interactions with people, so I had little incentive to have interactions offline too.  I assume that's the problem with really becoming addicted to games, work etc. People want to save their "best" version for the thing they find most important and leave the "bad" version for everything else. It normally doesn't work on the human level, because it's unnatural to narrow down the focus so much. We're not machines to do just one thing 100% right.  I guess love got me away from gaming too if I think about it in this way. Gaming couldn't emulate the experience and I was just too curious and determined to get the love back. It still took some time and experimentation to get it right, but I believe I've arrived 😄 

It's kinda crazy how caught up we can truly become in this imaginary world. I recently saw the tv show Severence, which immediately made my top 10 list. It explores the concept that humans can detach the healthy part of their persona and make it live a separate life in an isolated place, while the one carrying all the trauma continues life as usual, unaware of what is happening to the other. The idea is that, as long as we know that some part of us is living a happy life, we will accept that the other one is carrying the weight on their shoulders. But the problem then is that you cannot really separate a person into two different enteties, as they will most likely always find a way back to be together in order to be complete and to heal properly. Of course this made me think a lot about gaming, and MMO's specifically. I was not really aware of it at the time, but my life kind of worked like Severance. I woke up each day in this gray reality where I had barely gotten any sleep, where I dragged myself to a job I hated, and where I always felt exhausted and unfulfilled. But whenever the day was over I almost ran back home in order to log in to that imaginary world where my other persona existed. There I felt I had some sort of purpose; I was socially capable, I had goals, I loved exploring and I forgot about the hardships of life for a couple of hours. But just like in Severance I eventually discovered that real life had to be dealt with and I could not grow the other person while excluding the other - they both had to be maintained. But as I grew the person outside of the game I became more aware that this was the one giving me the most satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment in the end. Especially when I discovered love and I could see that the outgoing and loving person I was in the game also existed outside of it. In many ways I think love saved me from MMO's, because the connection I felt with my girlfriend at the time was WAY more potent than anything I felt when I gamed. It's perhaps the only thing in life that can truly make my mind completely forget about video games. 💛