Tuesday morning, day 7: Even though there's been a lot less ruminating, a third night (out of only seven) where I spent an hour awake, somewhere between 12-3am could now be considered a trend. I've been recently tired enough to want to fall asleep between as early as 6-9pm, which when gaming (aside from its effects) made for a reasonable 8 hours average, normally from 9pm to 5am; this week it's been 10-12 hours. I'm pretty sure that experiencing a series of positive emotions in a regular activity, that is cared about not only by me, would see me keeping better sleep hygiene, but part of me is very hard to convince of such care on an average day. Some regard has been given to a community centre by a peer and I about 20 minutes' walk away, but I never had the best suspicions about its location and members. It was still a 'maybe' for this Friday.  I dreamt that I was in a new kitchen, run by a heated boss/manager - who, as the stories go, had a soft side. I bluffed my way through food preparation and then shone when it came time for cleaning - as everyone else seemed to be in a hurry to leave and did a poor job. Pleasant enough was when I was praised for my imaginary duties, but I woke up as though the bossiness and work was real. There was a hot-headed manager in my book as well, otherwise I can't see where the traits would have come from, other than my dormant side or from long-past-viewed TV shows. On the plus, the month that has just passed since seeing my therapist has gone quickly upon reflection, unlike this week. That was a major reason for grinding my historic game; slowing life down/appreciating time more. I still have to work on the appreciation bit. So even if I didn't feel like it 30% of the time, with reasonably-comfortable gym sessions/walks/chores, I have been 'winning'. I have a bit of a motive today though, in addition to thinking yesterday how great it would be to have gaming completely validated by my therapist and everyone else as being a part of my life, but I also know how strongly the guilt/shame comes out in my voice when I talk about my using them to get by (and the difficulties caused), when I'm there. Maybe the talk will be more of a check-up; what I mean is, I think I know what I'll say - which usually means few epiphanies to share. Well, that's all for now. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Mild shock followed by reassurance that I didn't wake up a second time at 4am; it's just grey outside. ~ Tea before cocoa - besides suffering, I didn't need the 'hit' straight away! ~ At least remembering to drink some water before sleeping the second block of hours ~ A second dream where my room was chaotically messy - it's only actually 2 or 3 out of 10 on that scale right now

Hey everyone, my name is Steve and a few years ago I was a part of the Game Quitters community. At that time I was trying to quit playing video games, but with  minimal success.  It's been a few years now and over that time I've  allowed gaming to get the better of me and I'm looking to take back control. Over the last few months, my time playing video games has increased mostly because of  being unemployed at the moment. With so much free time, apart from spending time with my wife, my family and doing other important daily activities, I would spend at least 5 or 6 hours gaming, usually 2 to 3 hours during the day and another 2 to 3 hours at night. At times this also could vary and may even be more than 6 hours, depending on the day and what type of mood I was in. Over the last few days I've been thinking about what avenue I'm going to take and have wondered if I may be able to keep gaming in the proper place and only play in moderation. I will give it some time and then reevaluate the situation to determine if it's possible for me to play in moderation. If I realize that it's not possible for me to game in moderation, I may need to consider quitting video games completely.  

Entry 14.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 180: No Useless Videos Day 1012: Sticking to Food schedule Day 615: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 163: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Afternoon workout - 3 pomodoros - Viewing 2-3 videos of "aprobado a la primera" 1 Thing I could do better - Plan somehow not to eat so much food right before the lesson Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 181

Entry 13.7 written on 14.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 179: No Useless Videos Day 1011: Sticking to Food schedule Day 614: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 162: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - Long jog - 4 pomodoros - Done sending the tax report documents 1 Thing I could do better - Same as yesterday Print my foodplanning of the p[lanning in the morning as template aswell as food names Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 180

late Monday morning, day 6: Almost a week since the latest revelation - when I blurted out over the phone, 'I was just playing my computer game', without caring who had asked what or how I was doing. Still, what would I say now? 'Catching up on people's ideas of popular history?' (through a novel). The thing I spent the most time doing on my past game was clicking on creatures for 'combat' - where half of any two-digit number might appear on the screen in red or blue. Some part of me has likened that to face to face conversation in person, where someone mightn't know what effect the next statement or question might have on the other(s), and vice versa.  That wasn't one of the problems I had whilst gaming; it was my passing by of people in public, unable to hold a smile or show of courtesy for long enough, or going to places (even the gym) while half or more of my head was still at home, locked in. As long as I couldn't tell myself that I was more/completely 'for' the offline world, and not the virtual, I was anxious. So that's what that has been. As it happens, the day looks perfect today, but I was a little disappointed because on Sunday, while peaceful, I didn't really talk to anyone, except for getting a short text reply that had me thinking that a scheduled call was forgotten. I went to bed early and slept a ton, in two blocks again. The 'hangover' remained. If I don't get worked up enough for gym, I'll walk around properly soon. I've read from page 100 to 500 out of 900 in the last week of the new book that I at first found shallow. There were enough new phrases and scenes that kept me turning them over. Maybe this week I'll have finished it and picked up something to continue on from it with. __________ Edit: There were a few mild disturbances today, though. In the morning (though I can't expect everyone to be as considerate and reserved as me in person), I was twice near-laughingly called to my open window by a tradesman to ask if I minded the water being shut off for a moment/could I refrain from using the taps. I was reading and cooking at both 8:30 and 10am, which I imagined looked lazy and indulgent.  I got out for my walk, during which most of the time I spent dismissing lapses in judgement/inconsiderateness, but still felt alright. Only once home, I indulged again in a second cocoa, and soon after heard what sounded like some of the regular stamping around on the floor above me - combined with the yapping and/or yelping of a small dog. Unfortunately, I was contemplating abusive behaviour for whatever reason, and was almost ready to investigate it, until the noises stopped. By then, I was up for more decaf tea, and couldn't see any way of out the slump except to read about my historic game's new 'skill', which I'm as unlikely to try as half of the new 'bosses' the producers have put out in the last few years.  On the game's download page, there is some kind of staged scene of PvP fights, which I once again told thin air to 'F.O.' with, and engaged with step 1 of the process. - But wait - Why should I download something that's going to make my life 3 or 4x harder, and take up many more mornings, afternoons and evenings? That was enough to abandon the first file and the remaining process, and make another small meal. I was grasping for any minor rewarding feeling after 1.5 days of next-to-nothing. I think I'm avoiding getting my whole person dragged into anything serious, without the promise of calming down every day at about 6pm. It's a disability thing/precaution. Do I want to feel 'just OK', without further recognisable achievement, for 30, 40 or even 50 more years? That was what was on my mind the most. It doesn't seem unreasonable, but passing that time as such is as daunting as any other period/process of attainment. ____________ Good luck, all ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Weather, unavoidably ~ Allowing for only a semi-cold shower ~ Even as my subscriptions to the game should run out this week, I realise my free-to-play plans would most likely get me in just as much trouble too *shrug*