Well, guys, I didn't drink in moderation. This has been a while since I didn't party and this time... Wow fuck. Where to begin? First, I rejected many girls who wanted me in the first club. (like, we started booty dancing, and I said I'm locked into a relationship). It was the beginning of the night. I was still conscious of a lot of things. But then, we went to this LGBTQ+ friendly bar, and I met this trans girl. I was so drunk, and we ended up kissing. Not just once but a lot. I've had experiences in the past. But this was completely electrified. I never felt something like this. She stopped kissing when she saw I had a girlfriend on my home screen. I still took her number. Then, I went home, and couldn't sleep through the guilt the whole night. I told my girlfriend first thing in the morning when she woke up. We broke up.  She went to a friend the whole day. I continued texting with the other girl because now I felt like a terrible person. So I better go all the way and commit to it.  Then yesterday I worked 11 hours + gym in the morning before work. It was a horrible day; I felt terrible. I am lucky to work somewhere where my coworkers were very supportive of my situation. But when I took my break, I looked at my phone. We got into a discussion with my girlfriend. I crumbled into tears.  Since it happened, I felt anguish and guilt the whole time. I've never felt so bad in my whole life in that way. I have been through major depression and suicidal ideation. But this is completely different. Inflicting pain on others is an even worse pain. It is so different. It's not comparable. I just don't know how, why. I've never been this kind of person. My brain is still fuzzy, I don't have the words.  When I got back from work, we talked for a long time with my girlfriend. We live together. We decided to get back together if I deleted the number of the girl. I did. But I discovered also a part of me I didn't know at the party. And I'm just really lost with all.  I decided to keep on living a life devoid of sin from now on. To keep on studying buddhism, to try to make myself an even better person, to keep my studies straight, my gym workout serious, my diet good. I never thought I would be capable of what I've done. I even idealized going to a monastery because of all of this shit. Abandoning everything I've done so far to never do shit like this again. But it's not the solution. The solution is working through it. My girlfriend convinced me we will go over this. She is wonderful and I don't know how she found the strength to not only forgive me, but also believe we still should be together, and in the process convince me that we must continue. What happened there is crazy. There are forces at play. I don't believe in God. But... Wow, what happened? What is this chaos? What is this? Why now? How? I don't understand. I just need to keep on working, even if I'm exhausted. That's the only solution.     The discernable good thing about all this is... I didn't play, and I didn't feel any need to.

Food Schedule update (19.6-2.7): Because I bought green beans by accident instead of edamame I may use them interchangeably 1 for 1 with edamame (1g = 1g) I may also eat up to 30g peanut butter throughout the day. (Test in the morning, see how it feels and update here if it's gonna me in the morning for the next two weeks tomorrow. (That is because I want to finish foods and not throw it out or something and I see I'm not using it 🙂 ) The rest remains the same

Not really. I still remember clearly the week-long Summer vacation I was put on at 13, where a sizeable handful of us children/teenagers had (another, for me) a spiritual experience. For the 2 years after that (peak habit-forming period, perhaps), I was mainly on my own with internet and social exploration. I often process slowly now unless stressed, if that even counts. So while my experience outstrips my family and friends' in some ways, in others I am trailing behind - who should reach out first about what? 😮 I have been toying with the idea using other social media more restrictively in terms of what and who I share with. Whatever might get people to be more sincere. ______________ June 18 - Day #4.5 It's keyboard time again, because I would have written or spoken darkly after yesterday, and admitting or even sharing that among you fine ladies and gentlemen may be too cruel. I had a dream last night that my old neighbourhood (or maybe invented a new or even older perspective that way - it used to feel vibrant) was transformed into one big holiday resort. My ex was with her mom, and as usual, she strayed off and bumped into me. I think the statistics would have been 75-80% of the conversation we made (mostly life updates, I think) pleased her, and the rest either made her recoil or nervous. Not bad. I didn't wake up feeling too rested though, so maybe gym in a couple of hours. Gaming: I've had a lot of thoughts about letting the decision of gaming speak for itself with something like a 'screw the lot of you miserable b*****ds' (offline society/communities). But the thought of not even having recorded 1 week after making what felt like my longest recommitment post here ever, and at least having felt 'at home' whilst at home in the meantime kept me somewhat perked up. I really don't miss having my strained eyes glued to my screen, but I sort of miss all those miniature calculations and stuff. I had a thought this morning about people liking me on my first tighter-knit community on my game because I was so brutally defensive - and honest about it. Really, I was just typing everything that popped into my head as if we were all on stage, while music in my earphones spurred me on, shutting out everything beyond my room. That's probably not going to happen anymore. Erotic material: Not today. _____________ Gratitude: ~ Having made 2 conscious choices not to try and follow through with 'bad energy', and felt 'right' so far ~ Filtered some reading of the news ~ An early cup of ginger (and something else) tea ~ Feeling like I did fulfil needs that gaming often did, without playing _____________________ Continued for end of day: -> Aside from stopping halfway to the farthest gym in reach (in my area) to sit for 10 minutes and admire the park, building and sky instead this morning, today almost didn't matter. I'm not used to that, and now finally post-shower (and literally feeling like I was fading away), I'm back here instead of trying a 'well-earned' hour of gaming. I didn't bump my screen name on the 5 most recent posts list either - howz-about-dat? Lols.  None of this 'laying about' would have worried me except for the idea that I might accidentally turn out unappreciative like the rest of my family by not really making every day count (the way that looks to me), though I am a mere 30. I've already gone into how being socially appropriate for the situation is difficult, but all I'm hankering after are kinds of 'group huddles' - be that in the gym, the park or some other kind of learning environment. I've received idiotic (because I wasn't contacted back) pre-typed emails from more than job advertisers - colleges too. If I had to be proud of anything I've 'inherited', it is wanting to see all kinds of systems work properly - often technical ones, to clarify - like games, too. My point being that I am poking my nose in places I want to be a part of. I just don't know how forcefully I should be prodding now, in slight desperation. *shrug* Time for unsweetened tea. 😉 Over and out. Matt    

Entry 17.6 ( Written on 18.6) Day 626: No Useless Videos Day 625: Sticking to Food schedule Day 227: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 218: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -finishing grocery purchase in the grocery shop relatively quickly - Overcoming the urge to go to sleep yet again (even though I was indeed dozing off -Quickly letting go of an order which was begun by me and letting another rep make it because I was occupied with another, even though eventually the one I was dealing with ended up not closing and the one he took did 🙂 No matter I could only be in one place  1 Thing I could do better -Ordered from grocery store a week in advance, not just 4 days, since it seems this much in advance is not enough and they seem not to have ordering options in this case.... (Thus I lost about an hour time (1hr 20 min instead of 20 min it usually takes me to order)

12 June - 16 June: I met my friend, spent time with my girlfriend and attended a small high-school reunion. It was nice to see the guys after a while. I also finished the testing of students who had it as a requirement. I also worked on updating my website yesterday, although I am heavily considering consulting a professional. I strongly believe in improving my online presence as much as I believe in improving my actual teaching skills. It's really on the same level and these two must go together. My brother, my girlfriend and I also visited my mom at the spa. The visit was OK, so I hope it helps her mental health. She should come back home the next week. I was also a bit bored yesterday, but I did some things around the flat. It's odd, but necessary to be bored sometimes. I haven't watched porn in almost a month, so hooray for that 😄