Entry 22.5 Day 127: No Useless Videos Day 959: Sticking to Food schedule Day 562: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 110: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  -8 Concentrated work units -Afternoon jog -50 minutes or so german learning 1 Thing I could do better -Having planned for the pears before the food plan started, even better to write the plan on Tuesday just in case i forget smthng Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 128

Hi all. I've already mentioned the gaming profile 'trim'/re-order that I did last weekend, and the would-be trap of a few more sessions this week were borne of a similar 'Oh, just finish up with this, and that' line of thinking. But I had the thought that I was also trying to narrow down the sort of activity I'd like to spend 'unproductive' time on whilst offline. Obviously, tracking time during 'activities' is a lot more pressured when counting game actions per minute/points per hour - and that feels competent - but the thing is, if I knew for certain what could fill a space of 40-90 minutes (my average 'bored' time block), and could then let go, and 'build' - like I was doing on my computer - that would be 'problem solved'. Typing this is similar, but I wouldn't actively take pictures and show everybody to inspire them. After all, a majority of healthy people are supposedly ever-motivated by love, career, tidiness, etc. I'm looking for 'fixes' of low-risk creativity, almost.  I had a bad dream the night before last (waking up at 4am, eventually napping later-morning), and though my ever-decisive-on-what's-crazy-and-what's-not parent said I shouldn't derive meaning from dreams, they themselves featured in it. That idea that the subconscious is reflected in dreams is very difficult for me to shake. Anyway, I reached out to two people, and breaking a significant silent streak of non-contact and self-absorption was incredibly stressful. I couldn't even start a gaming session in that state, and simply repeated phrases to myself to calm down, before opening an easy book and concentrating, one word at a time. ____________ @Yan This is going to sound stupid, but something usually tells me whether I'm 'reading' a 'safe' or otherwise social situation, and my condition quickly (perhaps too quickly) determines whether or not to bother sharing anything about my day/respond to disinterest. Someone I already knew told me the same thing, out of nowhere, as well as the old 'simply just do whatever you're afraid of'. The thing is, I do often have time to think of reasons why fear is sensible (potentially too many), and how things have played out in the past. I read that NPD-related issues can start with a way of experience that is (or becomes) too 'at odds' with initial relationship partners, and real confidence doesn't really develop. I've been character-assassinated before, in this regard. Sending y'all strength. ~ Matt

Thank you! I still have days where I watch montages but they have become very rare. 🙂 its not a habit anymore.

Food Schedule Update 22.5-6.6 (Not including 6.6) Everything remains the same apart from 1. 70g rice which i may consume on Saturday (or as much as there is left in the rice bag, because I just don't want to throw it out) 2. coconut oil - 30 at non-running days(Instead of 60g olive oil), 60 on running days instead of 30 and 60g olive oil, meaning Sundays usually 3. Olive oil, allowed only on run and a half days 60 grams, on these days, coconut oil remains 45g 4. The moving of meals for Monday with the run and a half I am to keep as it is for now only one week where I do a jog on Thursday, I think one week wasn't enough to gauge it's effect and decide whether to keep it for the two weeks or reverse completely to not do it at all 5. Almonds 10 more grams everyday because I'm increasing the running amount 6. because i got a different chard type eat up to 2 leaves of those a day until they run out, then 50g a day of the second type (fast days keep no chard on them) 7. Pears are interchangeable with apples, that's what I have planned to begin with and that's what I have, I don't even have any other fruit, so it shouldn't count as a plan change, rather just a clarification.

I would recommend not being so tough on yourself and treat yourself with more self compassion. When you do watch YouTube, don't beat yourself up over it and try to just meditate on it and observe your feelings and have some awareness while doing it.