one mroe addition which i wrote earlier this morning before the food schedule started but for some reason it didn't post. tomorrow I'd like to have 20grams of chia because i accidentally poured 20g, and i still didn't start the schedule when i first wrote this, so it's an allowed change

Right, so I understand. Electronic gaming is wrong, as it: 1) Makes me take leave of my senses 2) Leads to false confidence 3) Causes time to pass in an unfulfilling manner Today was tough because it was almost entirely run by me. I haven't yet broken into an offline 'tribe' that feels safe and sane. I also felt more excitement than fear when I tried to start the day as per one plan, but it was outnumbered by several others that were neglected. I am afraid of becoming 'too much' for people to deal with. Even walking out of my door, it turned out, was poorly timed. I faced a surly, older male, whose message I interpreted as 'You'd better be about to have a good day, starting an hour or two later than 8 or 9am, with your hat and backpack, or else.' I mean, why? Why, world? Thanks. Lol ~ Matt

Guys, I mean, if it's really 'YOLO', and the best way to recreate slightly more mature versions of 'shared play in the sandpit' is on instant-messaging RPGs for people born the way I was, then what am I really doing here that's ultimately effective? I really do remember almost as much in my first few years as say, ages 5 to 7. Somehow, just somehow, when I was younger, I was able to adapt to situations in ways that adults excused, on the way to completing school. Now, I face a really large dilemma. I need to f*** around in ways that allow me to do healthy, shared reflection, yet stop myself from being reeled in by game-programmed rewards.  I see in today, aside from a few differences, that my duty to myself is to while away daylight hours in massive reflection, regardless of whether I do it here or elsewhere, during benign activities that eventually run out in my private space, like personal hygiene, cleaning, reading, etc.  Small case-in-point: I just made three slices of toast with canned fish, solving and thinking of a small problem along the way. But now that I've taken my plate out of the kitchen, I wish there was activity and discussion taking place 'around' me. Is this clear yet? Will be unlikely to be encouraged unless this makes sense to someone without prompting 100 leading questions. 😕 

Last night, undead bears at an aquarium zoo on a school field trip featured in one dream. Riddle that one out! Assuming real problems with NPD, have I discovered that responsibility is one thing that we cannot simply 'project'? It is the most right words and actions, is it not? My own first real values search almost singularly add up to valuing 'process', I think.  That said, having only two real values wouldn't really stop one's actual personality coming through to fill blank spaces in situations (expression/sensations/advice taken to heart, in place of other words). That could be three, people! Story/summary time: I wanted to avoid sinking too deep into re-reading fiction this morning because I've both thought and dreamt about a new potential travel route to the good but distant gym for many days now. ^ Edit: I didn't get very far at all that first venture out. I started thinking about what I was doing it for - just the thrill of re-awakening the movement patterns and muscle groups, mostly. I thought about the messes I'd left at home, the resumes I haven't handed out after a week of printing them, and who would even benefit from my 2-3 hours spent. I know that future me would be stronger - enough to help others perform physical tasks, but with the new mode of transport, that wasn't front of mind.  The potential perfect kitchen to work in could even be on my or the next local street, but I fear it impinging on my self-given right to 'work behind the scenes' if anyone wants to me to 'show off' in whatever way. I can barely help that; what with preferring to think through the movements of people around me who are happy to things without such analysis, and fancying myself only 'emergency-ready'. I would like to see those things change, but I almost don't believe that I could make myself uncomfortable enough in the short term to achieve significant results - not without swearing, posturing and challenging so many people and things along the way. I've seen people begin only to 'shine' in very confronting situations, and it was often sad and ugly. I kind of wish everybody was the same size/stature often times. So I'll clean, and stuff - maybe go out again. Gratitude: ~ Not getting poured rain on ~ Kind of knowing when vigorous texting on the phone is a bad idea ~ Recognising that I had a real problem with attempts to 'dress up' already-bad news entertainingly and setting it aside ~ Idk if this counts, but acknowledging 'the journey' again when the thought of one of my previous game's many inconvenient addictive aspects was my first waking thought

Entry 12.3 Day 56: No Useless Videos Day 888: Sticking to Food schedule Day 491: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 39: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small  -Staying in the room a lot to avoid unnecessary itneractions with apartment mate -Finishing my small (Apparently not so small because it took me till last pomodoro) commitment to my mastermind to finish the first draft of the script -Afternoon workout   1 Thing I could do better -That's actually sort of regarding yesterday: I feel I'd better reduce the heating advice usage and open the window a bi more to reduce dryness in the room and dozeing off prematurely in the evening. That is because I then woke up accidentally in the middle of the night,, and in the middle f the night my thoughts were a lot more clouded and somehow the evening routine took me 3 hours instead of 50 minutes, which of course affected my next day because of reduced sleep amount Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5  Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 57