Thank you for reminding me. After reading your comments, I realized that one thing I always struggle with is self-loathing. Whenever I experience those feelings, I tend to go back to gaming, and the loop continues. It has certainly become a habit, and changing habits is very hard. However, I know I have no other choice. I've been struggling with this for more than 10 years, and I understand that changing habits formed over such a long time cannot happen in just a few days. #total hours played = 208 +44 + 72 + 22 + 66 = 400 hours   #relapse 9 - mixed = 66 hours which means 6 days straight about 11 hours each day from #relapse 8 I have nothing to say to my journey anymore. All I need to do right now is fight and fight and fight and get over this shit as fast as possible

Entry 6.9 ( Written on 7.9) Day 708: No Useless Videos Day 705: Sticking to Food schedule Day 308: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 13: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Gone to airport in advance to pass check-in as planned -Made in time for the public transport I planned to get on both bus and train in the morning on the way to airport -Gonr to checkout the half marathon track which is planned for sunday 1 thing I could do better -Still do GQ in the evening

Day 61    Another good day, still did some pt and ot exercises as well following nerd fitness app.     So what’s  the goal here well first getting use to doing these activities everyday is the first goal so I have routine going then I will add some stuff on top of that like I have book for building career. That I like to get into at some point.     While it may seem like I’m not doing much I’m actually transitioning away from online church and more into my YouTube videos as well as career books I have and complete a screenwriting book as well.     Don’t worry I’m only focused on one thing at a time and right now YouTube is it but I’m hoping to add more later.    That it for today still reading book of Job chapter 30 as well as regular Bible plan.    Grateful: 1.God  2.Angels  3 Safety  4.Bible  5.Church  6.Family  7.Dog  8.Friends 9.Car  10.House 

7 September  I've got a new library book: Stephen King's 'Sleeping Beauties'. I am not on track to return it before its 3 weeks are up, but hope it gets auto-renewed. It's funny, but a little unlike 'IT' and 'The Stand' (also lengthy stories), I'm not quite excited enough about how the problem gets solved - but 1/4 through, it has potentially mentioned shared dreams, which might be interesting (no spoilers please!).  In other matters, energy. I just went to buy groceries and met eyes with the same blonde lady 3-4 times. I couldn't really continue to do this, because I thought her expression was too shrewd, and I didn't feel much like launching into a kind of modest explanation of my day so far with her, as has happened with others. However, had I been in a kind of tornado-like state, say, anything from 'Hi, how are you?' or a quiet 'Hey', to the old 'Wow, you're a fox!' or 'What's cookin', good lookin'' may have come out, inhibition aside. ^ Basically, I'd have to be under some very positive stress to both blurt the latter out with sufficient purpose. That is, in a way, what I'm looking for - and it is something I had (when in learning mode) pre-puberty. Right now, I have slowed down some, and even though I've felt peaceful, I wonder what it is that makes so many people around me look uncomfortable in contrasting states, sometimes attracting (aggressive?) stares. This, ultimately, is what I don't want.  Wheatbiscuit Senior seems to hang on everyone's every word with vigilance, ready for almost anything verbal, whilst relaxing his body. Because of my gaming, my eyes and ears are somewhat overactive too, but I have been forestalling my words for fear of heated debate, I guess. On my singular actual game, as of today, I have reached a kind of 'home stretch'. It is Spring now, and the weather has largely been fantastic. It has come to the last run of levels until the 'maximum', and to continue would take relatively little time to the profile's journey since 2022. I've done it once before on the same, long-lasting servers. Basically, while I was as motivated (as one can be) to sit and 'grind', I haven't been typing as excessively to others in-chat, nor have I been obsessed with rates of points, only how many were to be gained. -> The point is, this profile is better an expression of my thoughts/mood than the other one, and I was less concerned with 'perfection' (as opposed to perceived 'patience' it took for me by others, for the plentiful clicking). So Summer started to look appealing soon after I hit this checkpoint. Why can't Spring simply begin to as well, immediately starting now? It comes down to my memories and learned dangers regarding people. I haven't been ruminating much at all, except when I try to explain the occasional failures in my day to people in my head. That, I'm still working on. However, like the option(s) of bold declarations of love to strangers at the grocer's, my head still tells me, "No, don't do that." for a lot of things (and yet when it comes to gaming, I interpret 'no games at all' as 'take everything very seriously'). This is mostly helpful to get through many moments, but as I've thought on from a certain speaker, the alternative to taking (appropriate enough?) risks relating to people is a kind of self-destruction. Now, lifting weights and walking/jogging seems very beneficial, but it is also a refrain from loving and an alternative thing to look forward to. The trouble is, I can only really do 2-3 hours of vigorous exercise a day. 😗 What is love? Baybee don't hurt me! 😅 ____________ Gratitude: ~ Discovered a new, funnily-named band: Jack's Mannequin ~ The weather here (how many times can I say it?) ~ Perspective(s) + care given to me by the gym receptionist(s) ~ That life hasn't yet forced me to make communication 'do or die' all of the time, but it has come close Hoping you all get to feel well, Matt

Entry 5.9 ( Written on 6.9) Day 705: No Useless Videos Day 703: Sticking to Food schedule Day 306: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 12: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -1hr and 40min tempo run -9 pomodoros -30 minute walk with father. i think this was important since i've been in germany for 3 days, at least once i'll get to talk to him a bit in this short period, so that it wouldn't be in vain 1 thing I could do better -i think it's been enough time i've been journaliong the next day for the previous one, the best way to do it is journal in the evening at the end of the day + make sure the next day is completely planned before starting it. not only half way