Mouse's Journal: Progress in Tiny Steps

[station mouse]

Tuesday 15th June 2021

I was very surprised to find that I already have an account on this forum (and even started a journal thread here last year.) I'd completely forgotten about it! If anything though, it proves that I've been very aware of my gaming addiction for a long time now.

It might be helpful for me to write more specifically about my bad experiences with games later but for this first entry I just want to say: I start playing computer games without intending to and/or I find it difficult or impossible to stop, and that's eaten a lot of my time for years now and contributed to failures and screw ups. It's a numbing activity that prevents me from dealing with things I feel even a little negative about. I don't want to do it anymore. It's not even fun, half the time I'm playing I'm bored and not enjoying myself, I just can't summon the idea of doing anything else.

I'm not going to commit to any specific format for my journal entries (because I know whatever I decide I'll get bored and want to change later) but I do think some goal tracking will be useful and motivating, so long as I don't overcomplicate them or have too many going on at once.

 

time checks for today:

No games- 11 hours 

No YouTube- 45 minutes (gotta start somewhere 😆)

 

Goal for today: shower (reward: ice-cream)

Goal for this week: plan summer calendar (including booking tickets etc. and sending arrangements emails) (reward: boat watching or visiting Isaac)

 

I hope everyone reading is having a good day and remembered to take their medication if applicable ❤️

Edited January 16 by station mouse
changed thread title

[station mouse]

Thursday 16th Jan 2025

Oh boy! I'm back here again! It feels silly to make a third journal thread, so I'll just keep tacking entries on here even if the way I want to approach goals changes over time.

Since 2021 things have been pretty rough (honestly I can't really remember what I've been doing each year, it's all mush, I should start keeping a diary) but I don't really want to get into it online. My current circumstances are pretty good! I'm living with family, I'm finishing my maths degree through distance learning, I'm jogging consistently, and I think I've finally crawled out of the valley of Depression I've been stuck in for a little over a decade. Yay! But I know I'm always at risk of slipping back there, so I need to always prioritise things that keep depression at bay.

The biggest news is I haven't played games for over two months! I wish I could tell you how exactly I stopped, but the truth is it was a very gradual process over that last 4 years during which I tried and failed a lot of different methods, each time learning a little more about how things affect me and what I can/can't cope with. If I were to guess which was the most impactful, I think it was when I spent a week (it was supposed to be a month, but I fizzled out before then) using strictly only technology that is absolutley necessary to my life. No phone, no music, no car, only the absolute basics. The first few days I felt incredible, but most of it really really sucked, but I put a lot of time and thought that week into what I actually want tech to do to improve my life and that was super enlightening. For example: I use entertainment (youtube, games, scrolling, whatever) to help manage difficult emotions. I kind of knew this, but it never really clicked until that one week. I would get so angry or upset or lonely and have no idea how to handle it because, for as long as I can remember, my response to that is just hide from the world and numb with entertainment until it passes. But I found that music (especially if I haven't been overstimulating myself constantly and I can actually appreciate it instead of feeling like it's not enough,) is a fantastic way to regulate and calm down just enough that I can either get on with sh*t or have enough breathing space to stop and actually think what to do. I feel a little bit stupid that I'm only learning this basic stuff at nearly 30 but I know it's not my fault, I've been trying really hard for a really long time.

Unfortunately, the flipside of that good news is that I've switched to reels/shorts/tiktok (all the same thing really) as my new avoidance strategy. Not good!

(Also I'm running out of time to write this post so I need to cut this short and wrap up. More tomorrow, probably)

3 Successes Yesterday:

• went to sign language class even though I was nervous
• took my sibling for a walk
• time tracking is going well

1 Goal for Today: submit my assignment! hopefully it's not overdue, whoops
1 Small Life Improvement: trim down morning routine plan to something I can actually complete in an hour

[station mouse]

yesterday's One Goal: Done! I only got it in just before midnight and so missed out on some sleep but I did get it in and that's the important part.
yesterday's Small Improvement: didn't do it yesterday but given it'll take 5 min I'll do it right now... OK, done!

today's One Goal: At least 4 hours of study
today's Small Improvement: set a timer and unf*ck my room a little, not just the normal quick tidy

Slow start today (I'm so tired) but it's noon and I have time blocked out my afternoon, so I'm already doing better than yesterday. I spent a sum total of over 5 hours watching shorts yesterday and it was miserable. Sure, sometimes they have fun facts but mostly it's stuff I don't care about or actively do not want to see. I hate how I have no concept of time while watching them, I just feel stuck and hypnotised until something pulls me out and I go "f*cks sake what have I been doing for the past 2 hours". Ugh. Anyway, got to dash so no time for much reflection today.

Oh, I won't be updating tomorrow because it's the sabbbath (which I haven't always kept but I appreciate it more as I get older) so wishing you all a good weekend!

[Kam]

Congrats on starting the journal back up! Two months without games is an awesome achievement.

Yeah, the short-form entertainment apps you listed are carefully designed to maximize screen time... it sucks when you think about it. It's replaced normal entertainment for most people.

My (unsolicited) advice that I got from the book Unwinding Anxiety is to check in with yourself in those moments, without judgment. Just take note of how your body is feeling, the sensations you're feeling. Ignore any self-deprecation. Just focus on the facts (e.g. my chest feels a little tight, my leg feels cramped, I feel slightly nauseous).

What this does is helps your brain update the "reward" value of watching videos on these apps. Right now, your brain is just completely hijacked to think those apps are beneficial, because you're escaping from stressors in your life, and it feels like you're doing something about it (when you're actually not).

The book asserts that over time, following that approach and some others from the book, you'll naturally crave that screen time less. It's a good read - if I find a good summary of it I'll send it to you. It covers much more than just anxiety, pretty much all good and bad habit formation in general.

Keep at it!

 

Edited January 17 by Kam