Went back, not sure how to feel

[Talby]

Well, I went back.  After surviving 6 months of lockdown without gaming, I rewarded myself for all the ongoing stress of trying to get the last stages of a wedding sorted and also going out and doing an epic run as part of a recce for a fell race.  I spent the afternoon on my own gaming, feeling pretty good about myself.  Since that day I've allowed it back it and said I'd control it, but I can feel the need to now install GOG and Steam and have started looking around for other games to play despite not even being anywhere near finished the one I started.

To be honest, I found the whole idea of having an addiction hard, I still do.  My counsellor said I needed to be careful self-diagnosing and making what might just be behavioural issues pathological and suggested some alternative ways forward so I'll try those.

Feels good to write about it, but I'm not sure where to go from here because on one hand I feel free allowing myself to do it, but I really need to put plans in place to control it.

[Talby]

Totally didn't control it.  Didn't have a plan.  Just went back to using it as a way to hide from stress.  The stress of a new job, the stress of dealing with isolation over winter, the stress of feeling like a failure a lot, the stress I was having from going to counselling and talking about some more of my issues.  I've decided to come back and ease my way back into the community, try to be a bit more compassionate with myself and others.  I looked back over a few of my old posts and noticed how angry I was at myself, which started to project onto lots of other things in life.

It's been a rough year, for everybody I suspect.  

[struggling lobster]

I recently relapsed as well after one year of non gaming.

Its really hard. I dont know about what to call this, but the fact is true that for some of us when you are playing games, that is all we can think of for the whole day!

Playing game would be the only thing i look forward too the whole day and would ruin my exercise 

If that is not an addiction I dont know what is

Stay strong good luck!

[Franco Sosa]

On 8/26/2020 at 2:12 PM, Talby said:

Well, I went back.  After surviving 6 months of lockdown without gaming, I rewarded myself for all the ongoing stress of trying to get the last stages of a wedding sorted and also going out and doing an epic run as part of a recce for a fell race.  I spent the afternoon on my own gaming, feeling pretty good about myself.  Since that day I've allowed it back it and said I'd control it, but I can feel the need to now install GOG and Steam and have started looking around for other games to play despite not even being anywhere near finished the one I started.

To be honest, I found the whole idea of having an addiction hard, I still do.  My counsellor said I needed to be careful self-diagnosing and making what might just be behavioural issues pathological and suggested some alternative ways forward so I'll try those.

Feels good to write about it, but I'm not sure where to go from here because on one hand I feel free allowing myself to do it, but I really need to put plans in place to control it.

Hey there, hope you are well. I joined this site recently so I don't know if you keep having this problem or you overcame it.

I'm sorry to hear it, I can totally relate. I had many relapses in the past, and I know that feeling of anger against oneself when you think all your progress is gone.

But the truth is that it's not gone! If you could get out of it, that's an amazing thing! Addiction is something that I think never really goes out of your life, so cravings can come when you less expect them. You just get better with dealing with them. I just made a post about this. Just some months ago I was in a relapse that lasted like 3 months! I got back up again and STILL I relapsed 2 times again! But this time, it lasted less, cause I got better controlling it.

 

I totally recomend you to try meditation. It's one of those things that help you relax and it also helped me to be more aware of my actions at any time.

Hope it helps!

[Talby]

Thanks. I didn't get on top of it for at least another year until my daughter was born in March. After spending 4 weeks gaming whilst cuddling her and feeling myself being sucked in more and more I decided just to walk away again. Since then I've been desperate to play at times. I was even googling mmos earlier this morning after my cravings got triggered, but I made a promise to myself and realistically don't have the time to do it anymore. I just need time to put distance between it and me. I actually came back on to check how long I quit last time so in a way you replying to that thread was really helpful as I was able to find it much quicker

Can't believe it was 6 months. In a way it makes me anxious about this time as I'm only just coming up to 3 months, Ive said nothing through summer and then hoping I'll just carry on beyond then. But it was so easy to justify it after 6 months last time, I'm on the watch for similar stressors and life events that might justify going back. 

[Franco Sosa]

Hey, glad to hear you've been able to quit! You won me, I gotta admit. I lasted 5 months or so, and relapsed about  a week ago.

I posted something just now and I was revising my previous posts when I found you replied this, so I guess we sort of keep each other going in a way.

Also, congratulations for your daughter! You must be so happy.

 

Look, I find it effective to completely cut off any relation I have with games. In my case, I like to research so I spend a lot of time on YouTube. So not only I uninstall my games, but also I unsubscribe from any gaming related channel, click on the feed's "don't recommend me this" option. 

This time I even deleted YouTube, as well as all my downloaded music from my phone, so I don't get tempted to waste time in any way.

I also spend much time on my PC since I also use it to study for college. You cannot delete YouTube from there so what I did instead was installing this browser extension called "UnDistracted" which has some features that can allow you to block some sites at certain levels. For instance, with YT I'm able to block the recomendations feed and suggested videos, so that I can use it more objectively. I also can block certain domains for a period of time or permanently.

There's a lot more strategies that I use to make it easier, but sometimes you still have a craving, and there's not much you can do. So making yourself that promise is a great thing to do! The moments where I was able to stop gaming and quitting, where those when I couldn't handle this feeling of regret, these "I had enough! I will stop now!" moments.

 

Well, that's it. Hope it helps you keep going. Good luck on your journey!

 

PD: at the time I'm writing this it's really late, so if some things don't make much sense, it's because I'm tired. Sorry for that!