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JDK Journal 1


JDK
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Hey there! My name is Josh, and I have had a few accounts on here as JKD and JoshD.  Reason I made a new account is I guess a new year fresh start and also I forgot the passwords to my previous accounts.

 

Its January 27, 2020 and I have done absolutely nothing so far this year other than work 40 hours a week and then play videogames all day when I am off in my parents basement.  My birthday was in early January and I turned 26.

 

I have had a videogame addiciton all my life and really struggle finding enjoyment outside of my dopamine basement den in my parents basement.  I have had a rough history of mental illness and a run in with a spiritually/mentally abusive Cult too so that also makes things very complicated.  Also 4 psychwards and sucidal thoughts here and there,  I have sought professional helop and have recived great medication and have an amazing therapist.  Luckily i have good insurance.  I know I use videogames right now to cope through the very tramautic things of my past that I have blocked out and it gives me an escape.  This will be my greatest mountain to climb but I must start at the bottom with a single step uppwards.  My endurance certainly isnt strong I can barely walk a mile up this mountain.  

I just typed a really long page and It all just got deleted, So i am cutting it short for tonight...

I consulted the I ching today for guidance which I havent done in a extremelyu long time.  It led me to chapter 27 (changing lines [6 in the third place, 6 in the fourth place]) and chapter 30 to better illuminate 27.

 

The question I asked was .  How do I deal with my emotions and How do I get out. or break free.

Changing line :Six in the third place means:

"Turning away from nourishment.

Perseverance brings misfortune.

Do not act like this for ten years.

Nothing serves to further."

Theres a lot to the I ching that I do not now, Im a beginner with it all but its seems interesting and speaks to what I think my inner truth is trying to say.

Stop now or regret it later when you are single and oolder and living in parents basement for longer period of time.

chapter 30 was about clinging,  I have been clinging to my ps4 for life now I must cling on to something else....

like improving mylife,  instead of leveling up videogame character, level myself up..  Needa dopamine fast I am very craving its late... Id like to format all this and make it nice to read but for now its messy chicken scratch of a journal.

 

Goals: Complete a 90 day detox and see how life is like

Breathing techniques

Balance

Physical health

More I ching

Journal every day

I work for 40 hours straight for 2 days tomorrow so I cant journal then

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On 1/27/2020 at 6:42 PM, JDK said:

Stop now or regret it later when you are single and oolder and living in parents basement for longer period of time.

Agree. Except... I called the "basement" floor as my own since I live in a house that is a half-century old. To be honest, I have a learning disability since age 2 and I can't have a job for the past six or so-ish years now due to the social security income by big government. Worse case scenario: I am never gonna have $1k in savings and $200 in checking in a long run.

Anyways, welcome to GQ. Good luck!

Edited by Natalie
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  • 1 year later...

Its been a year and a half since I have been on this site.  I am still addicted, just shelled out another 60 dollars for the PS4 game “back 4blood”

All while I have no income and am on foodstamps, my parents pay for my rent, my appartment is a mess dirty dishes for a week and no laundry for about 2 weeks,  Im about to start community college with 15 credits and Im nervous and afraid that I wont be able to study because of my craving and addiction.

Todya I watch a gamequitters documentary about reSTART a program in washington that i am thinking about,  had a psych hospitialization since my last post, once again I was an overwatch character while i was manic bouncing off the walls,  new meds have been great and keep my bipolar in check,  maybe its not a wise decision to go to college for computer science at 15 credits when i dont cook meals

 

Its like I need to pull myself up on mu boostraps and hunker down and suffer through college, the only way out is through,  but i know i have a craving and not alot if self control,  

 

today i though about getting a spelunky tattoo and asked my mom about a ps5 this week. 

I know i am in the right place here, I just hope I stay on this site and hear back from reSTART

 

 

 

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