Fellow russian here

[Neman]

Hi there, kind stranger. My nickname is Neman. I am a journalist and small business co-owner in his mid 30's. Wife, 3 children, long time orthodox Christian. I live in Russia and currently on a long-term vacation at somewhere warm. I am starting 90 days Detox and Respawn to rewire dopamine thingies and rest of the stuff back to normal. I am interested in medicine (especially first aid), philosophy of science, world history and theology. Volunteer rescuer, rescue diver (PADI). I run, cycle, go to thai boxing. (When and if I am not mindlesly browsing the internets)

I used to be very self-proud and of very high self esteem. I didn’t need anyone’s advice and being in full control of my life. Except that I played since I was 7, sometimes played 30+ hours in a row (no sleep, food at PC, short break to pee), got kicked out of school and university 7 times in total and got fired 2 times from the job I loved because I was not doing it. And even on freelance and entrepreneurship I failed to concentrate on any single dull task for longer than 15 minutes. Or did not start doing it at all. And my wife is deeply unhappy when I play and I promised multiple times that I will not play and that I will go and earn some money for the family. And I broke that promise on the very next day.

So, failing my life so miserably time and time again I now have courage to admit that I am not the best and smartest person in the world. (Surprize!) That I lived in a self-comforting illusion and avoided thinking about problems by escaping into gaming. That I do not control myself or the way my life is going. And I keep failing myself and my family even in the simplest tasks. I guess there is some basic personality malfunction inside, and gaming is making it worse and denies me the recognition of the problem in the first place.

One day I woke way past my 30 and realized that I almost do not remember what was happening in my life. Games simply took it away, took the first half of my life. I have almost nothing to remember. And even the most intense PVP raid in WOW is nothing compared to happiness I felt when my son first smiled on me. I want to live the second half in a different way, make it really mean something to me and the others. Help other people.  Do what I always wanted to do. Make my 3 sons and wife happy. «Do not go gentle into that good night», right? 

As Thomas Carlail said, «Start. That is the only way to make the impossible things possible». 

Edited July 18, 2019 by Neman