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Sweetjess1951

Loved One

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I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to post here as a loved one, but I’m pretty sure my significant other, that I’ve chosen to walk away from, has a gaming addiction. Just looking for support and honestly, validation, as I keep trying to convince myself he’s not addicted.

His gaming addiction doesn’t seem to affect his pretty high-up job. I would assume it’s because without a job, he wouldn’t be able to purchase all the games (and accessories) he does. What it does affect is his health.

Like routine, he comes home every day from work, changes clothes, maybe plays with the dogs, and then logs on to play around 6pm (sometimes earlier, depending on when he got home from work) until 11pm/12am (later on the weekends) during the week nights. I think the gaming affects his sleep, so he supplements with adderoll and vyvanse. He’s prescribed this medications but he doesn’t seem to be someone that has ADD. He rarely eats dinner and when he does, it’s either fast food he can access quickly or something like chips and salsa or cereal. He never goes to the gym because that takes away from gaming, but injects himself with testosterone to supplement. 

When he’s not playing, he’s very angry, anxious and irritable. Anything I do seems to annoy him. The only time he seems genuinely happy is when he’s playing. We were playing in a softball tournament last weekend and in between games, he was watching videos of people playing.

I left him recently and blocked him on everything I could. I was ready to move on. He told me he would get rid of the video games (although made it a point to tell me he was only doing it to show me he was willing to make the effort, that the video games weren’t the issue). We last 3 days before he flipped out. He came home, ready to fight, yelling at me for whatever, criticizing me for whatever, asking why I didn’t have anything planned for us to do since he couldn’t play and why hadn’t I given up anything i enjoyed doing. It’s like he doesn’t know how to function without playing. Not to mention, if I wasn’t there to take care of all his household responsibilities, his house would be disgusting. 

Anyways, I walked away. It’s been 3 days and haven’t heard anything from him (he’s blocked on everything except email). I think he has an addiction but he’s so manipulative that he makes me feel like I’m making it up. Just kind of down on myself.

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Hello. 

Is there anything positive you can focus on about your relationship? By what you described it was an abusive one sided relationship, and sadly a very common scenario from what I have seen in my life. And let me tell you now, it is not the games that cause that kind of behavior. He probably has wounds and insecurities deep down, and he probably isn't aware and doesn't want to be aware of them, because that would mean he is weak in some way, and he will not allow himself to look that way to anyone especially himself.

Maybe you leaving will be the wake up call he needs to change his life, maybe not. We might never know. From my perspective, you did the right thing, focus on your life, move on and be happy.

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I agree with @dahankus. Games filled a hole in him and it's pretty rough to tear that band-aid off and fill it with something more worthwhile. There is also indeed no telling if he's gonna take it the "right" way and straighten up, or the "wrong" way and indulge in games even more. It was the right call to leave.

Take that from a former game/Twitch addict, whose ex undoubtedly left him partly also because of the same issue, though her poison is social media for a change (causing her anxiety and depression most likely - she'd even tell me that earlier, but I was pretty irresponsible and definitely not awake, so I tried to change that). Oddly enough, her leaving started a series of events that eventually brought me here.

There's two outcomes:

1. He keeps it up until the end of his life, unaware. That doesn't mean he can't have a family, but possibly only with a similarly pathological person and it won't have a happy end.

2. He contacts you and wants you back. This is where you have to be extremely aware and awake yourself. His gaming personality (notice I am not saying "him", because "him" is what you fell in love with) is only aimed at gaming and will manipulate, lie and betray just to get to games. However, the gaming personality is a large part of him and it won't go without a fight.

Lastly, the problem might be internally his, but it is a problem for both of you regardless if you are a couple (or even married). Take stock of yourself:

1. Gaming was his hobby and it grew from some healthy hour a day into several hours per day. In that case, there was some visible progression and it was your responsibility to try and poke him back into the right direction with some serious talk, so he wouldn't become so one dimensional.

2. He was a full-blown addict when you started dating and you "attempted" to fix him. Generally a bad idea, unless was already trying to quit and genuinely seeking help.

I hope I got the point across. I might've been quite curt and blunt in some explanations, but I am tired. My bad!

Good luck.

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19 hours ago, Ikar said:

I agree with @dahankus. Games filled a hole in him and it's pretty rough to tear that band-aid off and fill it with something more worthwhile. There is also indeed no telling if he's gonna take it the "right" way and straighten up, or the "wrong" way and indulge in games even more. It was the right call to leave.

Take that from a former game/Twitch addict, whose ex undoubtedly left him partly also because of the same issue, though her poison is social media for a change (causing her anxiety and depression most likely - she'd even tell me that earlier, but I was pretty irresponsible and definitely not awake, so I tried to change that). Oddly enough, her leaving started a series of events that eventually brought me here.

There's two outcomes:

1. He keeps it up until the end of his life, unaware. That doesn't mean he can't have a family, but possibly only with a similarly pathological person and it won't have a happy end.

2. He contacts you and wants you back. This is where you have to be extremely aware and awake yourself. His gaming personality (notice I am not saying "him", because "him" is what you fell in love with) is only aimed at gaming and will manipulate, lie and betray just to get to games. However, the gaming personality is a large part of him and it won't go without a fight.

Lastly, the problem might be internally his, but it is a problem for both of you regardless if you are a couple (or even married). Take stock of yourself:

1. Gaming was his hobby and it grew from some healthy hour a day into several hours per day. In that case, there was some visible progression and it was your responsibility to try and poke him back into the right direction with some serious talk, so he wouldn't become so one dimensional.

2. He was a full-blown addict when you started dating and you "attempted" to fix him. Generally a bad idea, unless was already trying to quit and genuinely seeking help.

I hope I got the point across. I might've been quite curt and blunt in some explanations, but I am tired. My bad!

Good luck.

It’s hard to say if he was a full-blown addict. I don’t recall him playing as much as he does now, but he may have been in his best behavior. I also can’t say I was looking for addictive behavior. Didn’t expect to date someone with an addiction problem. His gaming continued to get worse. I remember him binging for an entire weekend when a new game came out. He couldn’t understand why I was so mad. “No one else’s wives or girlfriends get mad” he would say. 

He doesn’t think he had a problem. He says he’s spending time with friends - friends he’s never met. He has no clue who these people are. 

I always went back and forth about whether or not he had an addiction. I also questioned myself. Maybe I was awful enough that I forced him into gaming. Maybe if I hadn’t said anything, it would be better. Maybe if I just keep cleaning and cooking and taking on all the responsibilities, he would stop.

Everything I say about it is made up. It’s me making him into this monster he’s not. It’s “scary” how far I’ll go to put him down. 

Im not sure anything will change. He’s in complete denial 

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8 minutes ago, Sweetjess1951 said:

I don’t recall him playing as much as he does now, but he may have been in his best behavior.

This is interesting, because I was in the same position about a year ago when I started dating my (first and hopefully last) ex. I was quitting a job I didn't like, expecting my new career to go smoothly, instead I ran into resistance I didn't want to cope with, so I retreated into gaming further.

I'm still not very comfortable with this, but individuals need rules and so does a relationship. I genuinely believe most people are honest going into one. I also think this is the part that makes the start of the new relationship so exciting, but everyone needs standards and work out the negotiations, especially as the relationship progresses. "Date nights" might be even more important after the "dating" part of the relationship is over.

But as I wrote before, it's mainly up to him to snap out of it. He may or may not do that ever. You can help him change himself, but you can't change him. Stay strong.

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23 minutes ago, Ikar said:

This is interesting, because I was in the same position about a year ago when I started dating my (first and hopefully last) ex. I was quitting a job I didn't like, expecting my new career to go smoothly, instead I ran into resistance I didn't want to cope with, so I retreated into gaming further.

I'm still not very comfortable with this, but individuals need rules and so does a relationship. I genuinely believe most people are honest going into one. I also think this is the part that makes the start of the new relationship so exciting, but everyone needs standards and work out the negotiations, especially as the relationship progresses. "Date nights" might be even more important after the "dating" part of the relationship is over.

But as I wrote before, it's mainly up to him to snap out of it. He may or may not do that ever. You can help him change himself, but you can't change him. Stay strong.

Date nights are almost non-existing. I can’t remember the last time we went on dates. Things we enjoyed doing together stopped. Our nights consisted of us sitting on separate couches. He would play games for hours, with his headset on while I watched TV. If I tried to speak to him, I would be told to wait a second. Sometimes he would eat the dinner I cooked with me (quickly though, so he could get back to gaming) and other times I’d eat by myself. 

I attempted to up boundaries for the gaming, but I was told I didn’t let him do anything or that the games weren’t the issue. He even went as far as telling me I should ask myself why he would rather spend time gaining than with me.

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