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Hobedaga

Hobedaga's journal (new and improved :D )

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Hello guys!

It's been a while since I wrote here so hello again to those who I know from back in the day and to everyone new 🙂 I've had another journal somewhere but I just decided to make a new one. I'm not going to write a lot about gaming addiction or games, I'll talk more about life events I'm having and stuff like that and I'll try to keep it brief and to the point 😉 So here goes

I've been gaming free once again for around 2 months I'd say. I can't say for sure because this time I quit quite organically and a million things happened to me since the beggining of this year and it even started off with a bang 😄 I hoped my long time friends would let me join their new year's celebration but despite my best efforts I've been rejected and celebrated new year at home with my family. I won't like so far the year has been incredibly rough for me. I've encountared challanges I've never thought I'd encounter, but here I am, still standing 🙂 Hopefully more than just standing around 😄 But I'm getting off topic here, this is game quitters after all, so I'm going to say my peace in that regard. So as I was saying I'm not completely sure since when I haven't played games, might've even been four or more months. To keep it safe and for my own well being regarding this question I'll just say that I've been COMPLETELY video game free since the beggining of the year 2019.

It hasn't been easy. Although quitting games wasn't really my focus but life hasn't been easy since then. As is usually the case once you make a turning point or important changes in your life. But it's all good so far. I haven't really had any urges to play since recently. I just go a new and slick laptop computer. It isn't very powerful and it isn't a gaming computer, but it's strong enough to play any of the games I'd be interested in like Dota, Hearthstone, Starcraft or whatever else. And I'll admit I had severe urges to play those games. Which is kind of weird to me to be honest. I've been mostly game free for periods of a 3 months, a whole year and a couple of months again in the past 3 or so years. So it's weird that the urges can still be so powerful. But they are. In the end I beat them by just playing a match of chess with my father. I don't shy away from real world games like basketball, card games or chess. For me what's important is not to play video games and I don't get so engrossed in these real life games. I'm not sure how it's going to go further on from now. If I'll be able to resist the temptation. However I wish to offer free coaching sessions for whoever's interested and I made a seperate topic on that so that gives me extra motivation to stay off. 

I know how easy it is to find elaborate and very convincing excuses to play. But I've been down that road before many many times and it's always lead to me relapsing. So I'm saying no this time... this new laptop that I've bought is a work computer. That's the purpose behind it's design and I intend to use it according to it's purpose 🙂 I'll try my best anyway. So that's pretty much it on the gaming side.

Talking about life, well I've recently gone back to martial arts training which I wanted to do for a very long time now, but there were always obstacles to make that a reality. For now I have to wait an extra week before I can get back to it again (jiu jitsu and/or kickboxing training). When sparring I suffered an infury above my left eyebrow. I got a cut when we accidentally bumped heads with another younger lad in sparring. The guy was going pretty hard at it and I didn't want to back away from a challange. So I ended up with a cut, got 4 stiches and now I can't train for at least a week 😄 So that didn't really work out long term. I can't just train all in with no surrender and not look after my own health. That is not sustainable. 

Recently made some newspaper articles for a local newspaper. Interviews, polls and one article. Should be getting paid for it tomorrow. Surprisingly for me it proved to be a lot more work than expected and I'm learning a lot about journalism, working in a team and maintaining your integrity. Also it's really fun to go around town and talk to people, take interviews and what not. So far that's my favorite part of that job. However, I've made many mistakes, especially in making the article so I'm not sure how it's going to go further on and if the paper people ( 😄 ) will want to keep me around but I'll see what happens. Worst comes to worst I have many ideas of how to make a living doing all sorts of my own projects but I'll see where this thing leads. 

In other news ( 😄
 ) I've gotten back to playing guitar and actually SINGING! That's very weird for me, because I'm a lot better at playing guitar than at singing but I've made a couple of songs. Even one about a LAAAADY friend of mine 😄 But that's a seperate topic 😄 I find it very fun and relaxing though when I really get into it and don't care too much about playing perfectly. And my voice isn't the best and yada yada yada, insert reasons for why it's bad, but whatever I enjoy it and that's what matters the most 🙂 and actually some other people who listened to my music liked it and encouraged me ( including the LAAAAADY friend). Friends and family are kind of biased of course but whatever it's still nice to know you're appreceated 🙂 

On the LAAAAADY friend ( 😄 ) side of things... well these are very very complicated for me. I've been at bars, I've asked out waitresses, talked to women and facebook, used tinder and so far no success on getting an actual girlfriend or at least a date even. Actually I've majorly fucked up more than one time in this regard 😄 one girl even said that she found our interaction creepy and basically ghosted me afterwards and when we met after all that acted as if she didn't even know me. Which was very very saddening I have to say. Since if not for the sexual or rather flirting part of our interaction we had some amazing conversations and it really felt that we could've been good friends. ALAS it did not come to be and I have to learn from it and move on. Although it's really difficult to learn from something like that. 

Financial situation is not superb but I'm lucky that my family helps out in this regard and I am incredibly grateful to them for that 🙂 And as tomorrow I should be getting paid for the articles I prepared (hard work for real! Honestly, it's so much harder than I expected it to be to prepare an article). It's not much money at all since it's a small local paper and I work quite slowly since I'm not used to it, but it's something. At the very least I've dealt with most of the relevant debt issues I have except one but it's not too late to deal with it as well. In general these kind of situations bring a lot of worry so it's really nice that at least for the moment I'm good with it. I still have a grand total of about 720€ of debts to pay, but I still have a decent chunk of time to pay them. I'm really irresponsible with my spending though and I have a tendency to waste any disposable income I get as fast as possible. That's really something that I have to work on. In general I need a lot more discipline and will power but that's something I work towards quite slowly, at my own pace. I really enjoy being able to improve these parts of my life at my own pace and by my own decisions. It feels like improvements made like that are a lot more solid.


The health department isn't looking too great. I have high blood pressure because of my diet and being overweight. As I've mentioned I got a cut next to my left eyebrow, my sides are beaten down from the sparring, my arm aches from the vaccine I received after I got stiches. Also I've started smoking some time ago and really got into that. Weirdly, despite all that I feel quite energetic and strong. My body get's tired relatively easily because of all that and it takes ten times the will power to do the same physical things it would take someone who's more fit and healthy, but I have an optimistic psychological outlook I would say and it helps keep my energy higher even with all these issues I've mentioned. HOWEVER it's really something I should address but I don't feel like I'm at that point yet. If I continue further like this it's very likely I'll get diseases of some sort. High blood pressure with my diet and lifestyle is no joke. Also I consume a lot of sugar so I'm at risk for heart diseases and diabetes. I'm not sure why it's so difficult for me to take this area of my life more seriously but as I've said I don't feel like I'm at the point where I should be addressing this more deeply. However the minuses of smoking, this kind of lifestyle and the financial burdain I put on myself because of these things is becoming ever more apparent. I guess it's just all a stress reliever kind of thing for me and I don't want to let go of that yet since I don't have viable alternatives for now. Ahhh.... annoying topic to me honestly 😄  I'll deal with these issues one by one and I'm still relatively young so I'm hoping I won't die beforehand (that got dark quick).

Relationship with family (father, sister) is wonky. I don't really get it. However, so far it seems it's the best when I listen more to people instead of talking myself. Or just stay quiet 😄 So at times I'll do that at others I'll talk all depending on the situation and the circumstances and also how I feel within. I'm a huge talker though and when you get me started it's hard to stop 😄 as it might be evident from this text. I said I'll try to keep it brief god damn it 😄 Oh well. Next additions to my journal might be briefer, I'll see. 

So this is PRETTY much it. There's some things that I've experienced that I don't really want to talk about because they're... really weird. If there comes a time where I'll feel more comfortable sharing it I will on this journal or through other means....

I still feel like I could write and write for days but this should do it for my first NEW AND IMPROVED journal entry 😄 Don't want to burdain you guys too much at once too. So to end on a positive note the good things that have been happening and I've been doing recently is I got a new laptop for work and communication with people, started going to martial arts classes again, improved my relationship with a lot of my friends, I've started hanging out and talking to people a LOT more (like A LOT more 😄 ), I got an incredible facebook LAAAAADY ( 😄 srry I can't help it) friend. She's incredibly really, although she has A BAZZILLION of problems of her own for sure and I have to be a bit careful about many things. Many red flags so to speak. But I don't regret talking to her one bit 🙂 she's very inspirational to me, sometimes even when she doesn't mean to be 😄 . And one of the most important positives besides me talking a lot more to people and expressing myself a lot is getting in touch with my feelings through music and doing work that I actually enjoy a lot (the journalism thing and a lot of other ideas I've been implementing to one extent or another).

WOAH. Really didn't expect this post to get this long but here you go 😄 THANK you very much for reading, I really really appreceate it 🙂 Hopefully I'll hang around here more. OK! ENOUGH!!!! 😄 That's it for now and see ya later 😉 I'll respond to any possible comments as best as I can.

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Some extra additions to the journal entry above 🙂 I attached photos from a photoshoot done by my friend. Guy's a pretty good photographer and also does sick hyperlapse videos. If my coaching actually helps someone or god forbid (:D ) I get good enough where people want to actually pay for it I might use these images for promotional purposes and whatnot. I have some really good gaming related pictures from the photoshoot too just don't have it on this computer atm I might add them later if anyone wants to see them.

Also here's a video of a song I made 🙂 no singing for this one, kind of too shy to show me singing here just yet 😄 


 

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2019-03-04

Got a credit card from a bank
Ate some food at a restaurant
Finished a poll I worked on for the local newspaper
Visited a psychologist
Checked out the local movie theatre, the upcoming movies, gonna go out and see some
Got a new phone

EDIT: that's a shorter version of a journal entry I'm trying out but it's blatantly obvious to me how incomplete and lifeless it is. This day has been so much more than that. This is just the barebones skeleton of the story of what happened today to me and it's really lacking. So I'll go back to writing journal entries as I see fit. Bring it to life by explaining how I'm feeling about everything and how I'm relating to various events personally 🙂 I'll leave this one as is though.

Edited by Hobedaga

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I'll just add that the day was full to the brim of struggle. So I'm starting to think I need to take a different approach to life, my goals, my relationships, work etc. since although I'm not afraid of hardship especially if I think it can help me grow and benefit me as a human being, this is just getting to be a bit too much and it really isn't very fun to live this way to put it mildly. I create so much unnesecary hardship for myself because of trying to fit in but I just can't fit in no matter how hard I try 😄 And the harder I try to do so the harder the resistance I experience in life and the harsher the consequences. So my plan is to sit back, relax, reasess and not to rush into doing anything since that hasn't worked out recently and hasn't really worked out throughout my whole life. 

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2019-03-08

Made goals and visions for what to do and hopefully achieve during this year 🙂 overall pretty happy about it. 

JUST DO IT! Is the moto I'm looking to follow. It's also very nice to have a clearer objective infront of myself so I have a direction to strive towards. Making a song too, going to probably finish it tomorrow 🙂 had a nice chat with my friend as usual 😄 I really love to hear her laughter. Pretty much it 🙂 Quit smoking again as well. This time it will last 🙂 because it's a big disturbance to both my health and my goals.

Thanks for reading whoever might be reading this and have a good day 🙂 

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