Time to Journal

[spindler98]

Hello!

 

Today I'm grateful for:

• The nice people that are in the health care industry
• It was a beautiful day
• My job is not very stressful(in some aspects)
• My car my dad gave me is still running when money is tight for repairs
• That there are other people out there looking to improve there mental health and well-being.

[spindler98]

Today was an alright day. It got pretty hectic at work because we have one less person but my boss wants to keep working pushing on. Its annoying. The company will make more money but, we won't see anything. So I try to go slow to show that we need another person. Hopefully we get someone new. As for quitting games, I've gone 25 days. its been tough. My car broke down and I have been busing everywhere. Looks like its a fuel issue and probably going to cost me some cash :(. Sucks but that comes with owning a car. I have started scheduing my days and that has been making me more productive. My room is some what clean and it only took 20 mins haha. Oh did I not like doing it though. I was angry and sulking like I would have if I was 7 again having to clean my room. Its not something I enjoy. I felt the pain though and worked through it reminding myself it would only be 25 mins then I could stop. Then I read :pst connections some more. That book makes me want to do mushrooms. It sounds like mushrooms will lower you ego if its too high which I have a very protective one. It needs to be guided trip though otherwise you might mess yourself up. Well Im passing out. 

[spindler98]

Got through another day. I had really strange dreams last night. I was using cough syrup to get through kratom withdrawls so hence the strange dreams. I dreamed about my ex girlfriend from like 11 years ago. I find it hard to not to beret myself but, doing so won't help. So as i talk to the 6 year old me I find it very sad for the guy because hes still finding feelings after 11 years and doesn't know how to stop them or get over it. I became pretty drepressed and shut down after that. i was already pretty emotional before I met her. Just knock me down to not feeling anything and gaming all the time when we broke up. So i assume I have all these feelings locked up of jelousy, shame, sadness, just awful awful stuff that I live with with a 1000 year stare. Its really hard for that guy. He doesn't have friends to talk to anymore and it stuck comunicating on a fforum board where its all text and depression is a front seat driver. Its like feeling drunk all the time but you never sober up. Drugs complicate this more as to feel good you have to be under the influence and then the withdrawls takes months and your left with feeling shitty for a long time. Its not easy. The only thing I think I can do is create habits and taper off this garbage and hopefully continue with the habits which I won't feel the efftects of until im healed. Money is tight to because of my max credit cards and car that needs repairs to do the job I do. But this is day 26 of not playing my xbox. I could have used every excuse in the book to start playing again and forget all these problems and have some fun. But i tread on. Good for me. How I am doing it, I don't know but I came here to be grateful. So here are the things i am grateful for.

-My parents always looking to help me and want me to get better

-My room with a window. I've had such a big window to see the sunlight before

-The sunny weather when it happens

-The cloudy days I had yesterday so I didn't get soaked walking home

-My computer knowledge that keeps me employeed

-My memory that comes in handy sometimes

-My anxeity that comes in handy sometimes figuring out problems with computers

-My car that has heated seats

-Delivery drivers that can bring food to my home without having to walk for it

-hockey for keeping me entertained and something to feel good about

 

[spindler98]

Today went well. I planned to do a walk at 8 and go it done. Then came figuring out what I would do for the rest of the day. I ended up doing more things I planned on google calendars and got them done. Maybe not at the time I planned but still got them done. I think part of the success is because of what Cam said about getting to a point where you feel better and then you thinking its ok to go back to doing the same things again but that would just lead you to relapse. The mind is tricky. This got me to thinking about why I was doing things. A few days ago I was sitting in my room and was feeling sick to my stomach and knew I needed to get out of my apartment for some fresh air. I didn't have to fight with myself as my lazy self was in agreement this was too much pain to continue being lazy and that we needed to get outside. This made me think about the plan the emotional brain has for taking care of one self. Its idea is that if you in pain, its better to stay put and zone out on games then do anything uncomfortable like go for a run. The problem is that you come to a point where the pain is to great and your lazy self "Oh wow this is too much" do something else and then you do the thing and then the pain subsides and then it goes back to telling you to be lazy and don't do things that are uncomfortable. Well now that see this fallacy in believing my emotional brain, I start to tell myself that listening to it will only lead to a point of great pain until I do something my emotional brain doesn't want to do. So now I try and listen to my logical part of brain which is a strange feeling because there is not an emotional background to it. Its just a thought in your head. That's it. The emotional brain is backed by a feeling like laying in bed all day is a good choice and is backed by the feeling of being comfortable. But the logic brain doesn't have this. It feels empty and when you do something that it says, you aren't immediately rewarded. Its usually after the fact of doing the said task. So now when I decide to do something I question, is this my emotional brain telling me that I should just sit here and read reddit and that it will make me feel good? because if it is, I know that will just lead to pain until I do the logical thing. So i might as well skip that step and do the logical thing like go for a run or clean my room things my emotional brain dislikes doing. Its been working so far, but I still sometimes succumb to the emotional brain. Its a powerful thing the effects of feelings, but I'm becoming more aware that I can decide to do different actions even if I don't feel like it.

[spindler98]

Having a tough time. Cars not working, have no friends, hooked on drugs, feel like shit unless on drugs. I didn;t even think I would be on here journaling, but I did. Its just rough out here by yourself, with nothing to do but watch tv shows, at least there funny and make me laugh but life just feels like a cruel grind sometimes. I got to work but I can't connect with anyone because I am on drugs. so the drugs give me the feel good chems. but thats the whole reason I am on them is because I couldn't connect with people when I moved away from home and found myself alone and all my highschool friends had moved on leaving me with having to make new friends which I have difficulty doing since I'm not very outgoing and I am not very cool and we i try to befriend people they see me as a loser and don't want to be friends. I don't get it. Its fucking lousy.

 

Things I am greatful for

The weather holding out

Having an easy day at work

Getting home with out being disabled

The kind pharamsave guy who found where my prescription went

The funny tv shows that make my forget this maddness

My family

My roof over my head

the heaters that keep me warm

[Guest]

Hey! 

You need discipline. Check Jocko Willink and David Goggins on youtube. 

 

 

[Lea]

14 hours ago, spindler98 said:

watch tv shows, at least there funny and make me laugh but life just feels like a cruel grind sometimes

I have to relate you with that. I actually have a detox not only from gaming, but also from YouTube (except for videos from my college). In YouTube, I usually watched funny videos to feel good, but that feeling does not last long. Plus, I tend to laugh loudly, which my relatives I live with don't like.

Edited January 30, 2019 by Lea

[spindler98]

Thanks for the comments :). That was an unexpected surprise. I almost caved in today explaining to myself that there's too much wrong in my life(car troubles, relationship troubles, healthy eatting\exercise troubles and money troubles) but I ended up watching The Orville which was entertaining. I like how it kind of resembles Star Trek and still has ethical story lines. Anyway ya today was better than yesterday. I was pretty run down yesterday I think because of withdrawing from my anti-depressant that I take. I ran out and didn't take it for 2 days. Its amazing how it effects your mood and thoughts. Mood is really hard to navigate through I find. I know its only a mood but its so influencing on my actions. I have been disregarding doing important stuff because of it. It makes me want to do nothing and forget life. I feel stuck in my room though. I can't go outside because its too cold and I'm tired from walking around all day. Its tough. I have been looking at doing other things like going to yoga but, I always just explained to myself I don't have the money. I have around $8000 in credit card debt and the government is taking money off my checks because I owe MSP. It works out to about May when it will be paid off. It sucks. I don't want to go declare bankruptcy but I might have to. This is what video games has done. When I was younger I could have done better in school but I was too focused on playing counter strike. I would play for 18 hrs sometimes. I was so lazy. I did enough work to pass but rarely did any homework and now I am paying for it trying to be less lazy. I don't know if I have ADD or what. My Dad seems to think so but, its hard to tell since I can focus so well on games. 

Thanks for the Katsudo. I will watch it later. I definitely could use more discipline.

Sorry to hear you have to hold in your laughter Lea. Maybe laugh into a pillow? Ya I know what you saying with the videos. I too feel that way that I am substituting Netflix\reddit for gaming but I think games are bit stronger in the addiction scale. I am however just going to be nice and let it slide and just say no gaming. 

[spindler98]

Well its been another day I got through. Was debating about gaming to night explaining to myself that I have gone a whole month without gaming that it would be alright if I did it once a month. I would even just play my guitar game so it was some what productive. The back of mind though there is this thing that says gaming ruined your life starting in middle school when you would choose that over doing homework or developing a useful life skill, you devoted your time to that life drain. Your parents tried to get you off it but Dad was tired of being a cop and just stop getting super upset about it. I was playing hockey, I was going out with my friends, I was working at Mcdonalds. I wasn't a total hermit. However I had a bit of a demon in alcohol. I remember the first time I drank out at a school. I was having so much fun being stupid and highly confident. Its like I found my super power. I was riding a high on a life with potential except I didn't know what that potential was for. I still don't know.  And now after the ride was over I was left with empty lies that i would tell myself like I'm not afraid of anything like I was when I was 6 or 7. I am however a coward. When I was around 10 years old my cousin hurt himself sliding down a house boat slide. I saw the whole thing and I panic as he hit the water. I quickly started to swim away too afraid of what might have happen to him. I was scared of the gore I might see. This was not like me. I would always push forward against things I was afraid of. But I ran and pretended like I didn't see anything. I ran away. Because I was too scared to see gore and the pain that my cousin was in. I felt ashamed of myself. I let my cousin down and my uncle down. I should have swam and helped him. He was in trouble and I turned and ran. I am beating myself up. Even though I did this action, I still deserve love and compassion. I was a young kid and made a mistake I doubt I would make the same today. No one wants to be traumatized and its only natural to want to run. I forgive myself for being selfish. The poor guy feels terrible about it and wishes it never happen. Hes only human with flaws. It can't feel good to do that. Poor kid.

[Guest]

Quote

Thanks for the Katsudo. I will watch it later. I definitely could use more discipline.

 

Think about it: watch it later, do it later, not now, tomorrow. You got the picture.