Jump to content
×
×
  • Create New...

NEW VIDEO: What TikTok Does to Your Brain

The 90 Day Detox Journal


Natasha
 Share

Recommended Posts

Day 11/90

It is quite literally the start of day 11 of being 100% video game free including cellphone games. 

I'm up late. I still haven't slept yet. I've had insomnia my entire life it seems, and sometimes I wonder if that was because of my pokemon addiction starting at age 6. You all probably know what I mean. Your parents didn't want to deal with you getting up for water, a snack, or whatever else so they gave you your gameboy to play for just an hour, but that always turned into more. Especially when those little flashlights to plug into the game system was finally given to you for a birthday or holiday along with a new pack of batteries. 

Tonight though...tonight I have spent my evening listening to The Hobbit: The Unexpected Journey while uninstalling games from the main computer. My husband and I agreed that we would sell the computer, but not the laptop yet. I went through and deleted 3000 pictures, 500 alone of my daughters' selfies, and probably another 500 of blurry pictures of TVs and the floor, along with tons of pictures from previous jobs or etsy shops. It took ages. Then I deleted most of games and programs for gaming. All that's left is The Oregon Trail, Diablo 2, The Sims 3 & 4, as well as some old game my husband downloaded. 

At first I thought I would feel a surge of anxiety, but the real anxiety is coming up soon. We are selling the PlayStation 2, all games and equipment, the Nintendo 3dxl and all games and equipment, as well as the computer, its equipment, and 2/3rds the DVD collection, the spare TV, and two spare DVD players. We already gave my father the Nintendo 64 and all the games. 

The goal is to have just an brand new Mac laptop after we've sold all the other electronics. But we are a while away from that I think. But we chose apple for two reasons: macs are more difficult to deal with for gaming, and because our daughter's school uses Mac as well, and we only want it used for school. Since we only have internet on our phones, its not as though the kids will lose their ambitions to craft and play because of a family shared laptop. 

We live with my father, and he is hooked on games. He's either at work, gaming, or sleeping. I don't ever want my kids to see me like that again. I don't want that to be normal to them. That's why I'm taking these steps to be more proactive. For them. And also for myself. 

Besides, we spend more time with our friends and kids than ever. I've replaced video games with game nights with friends 2-3 nights a week when the kids are in bed. We play board games or d and d. And I like that because I think more critically and it's a more enjoyable experience. I feel like being with real people and engaging with them is more fun than being yelled at for not being to heal a hunter pet that was sitting in the fire because I was healing the tank instead.  

Edited by Natasha
Forgot a word.
  • Like 1
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well done so far, Natasha!  I look forward to reading your journal.  I'm inspired by what you've done so far to eradicate video gaming from your family's life.  Welcome to a new and bolder way of living!  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 11/90 (still)

Thank you Dannigan. :) 

I'm still having a difficult time sleeping. Since my post I've gotten up 5 times for night time potty training with my 4 year old. She had an accident one of the times I checked on her and then the last time as well. I'm trying to train her to wake up to go potty and be as encouraging as possible. I'm exhausted though. It has to be like this for a little bit though until she gets in the habit. It's only been a few days since we've revisited night time potty training and its not as if she can help the connection between her brain telling her the bladder is full, to wake up, get up, and go potty. 

Usually I would just play video games all night long and wake her up every hour or two to go potty. I'd be exhausted, but keeping her dry would be nice. It goes faster when u do that.  Instead I was reading a few articles on potty training at night, checked on her once more, slept 3 hours 45 minutes and awoke again. But when I got up, she had another accident do I asked the hubby to clean this mess. 

I'm going to restrict her liquids before bed tonight. 

I was itching to play the Sims 4 like crazy. I think it's time to uninstall it so I don't cave. I really wanted to play on a wow BC private server, but I've already gotten rid of the internet and uninstalled the game. So no concerns there. 

Just gotta keep trudging through this mess. I've been everything but cell games free for over 2 months! I can be strong! I can do this!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I've had 3 accounts. Plus 3 private server ones. One I gave to my brother, the second I don't remember the information for and the third was primarily for the sake of my dad bugging me while we were reconstructing the kitchen in the middle of winter and we could not use the house. I got bored so quickly... The idea of getting and paying to reboot the internet to just delete accounts I haven't logged into for years just seems counterproductive and I worry I would see hearthstone and get that tingle and I just don't want to go through that. 

Same for the private servers. I haven't played two of those servers in 5 years, and the Excalibur one was nearly 2 years ago and its uninstalled.

Edited by Natasha
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello @Natasha, welcome to the community! I really loved your first post, it’s very inspirational and - a word I’ve probably never used in years - touching.

I root for you! The first week is usually the hardest and you’ve already overcome that. Wish you all the best.

Just a short tip (because I must) I would consider deleting the remaining games from your pc :) (just as I should finally delete my LoL account, so I can relate)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, info-gatherer said:

Hello @Natasha, welcome to the community! I really loved your first post, it’s very inspirational and - a word I’ve probably never used in years - touching.

I root for you! The first week is usually the hardest and you’ve already overcome that. Wish you all the best.

Just a short tip (because I must) I would consider deleting the remaining games from your pc :) (just as I should finally delete my LoL account, so I can relate)

Thank you so much. I did delete all my games this morning. All that's left is Oregon trail and my husband's game. Right now I'm leaving those up to him because I don't want to fight him on it. They don't bother me because I have no interest anyways. 

I deleted them off the laptop too. It was really hard to be completely honest. :/

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 12/90

The sun and clouds are out. I take a deep breath, letting all the fresh air in as I think about what I am going to do today. Usually about this time I would be standing in the inn of whatever town I graced with my presence, fumbling my hands together to make bandages, food, or bolts of cloth. Instead though, I am out in the middle of the grassy lands of Nagrand, hunting down beasts for the dwarf by the name of Nesingwary. 

As I kill various plainstriders and ROCS, I feel as though I am productive. After all, I can feel my strength and skill grow with every kill. I'm sure my next developmental milestone in training will pass soon. Besides, my pockets and bags grow fuller. If things continue on like this, I should be able to afford the materials for a new enchanted weapon soon. 

Or at least, if the game was real, that's what productivity would have looked like.

Last night, my father said he HAD to get the class mounts before the new expansion patch, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to get them at all. Blizzard was removing the quests and such from the game for the new expansion. 

He needed to get this particular batch of digital pixels. His achievement list required he did, you see? It makes sense in the moment, when you have made everything about your life centered around a game. But now, it's honestly quite horrific. 

I was looking around his room, taking in the fact that my father was surround by 5 years of dust. So much so that even commonly used items sifted the dust around. It can't be good for his health. But he refuses to keep tidy, and won't let me do it for him. His bathroom, he has on rare occasion let me touch up. It takes days to wash up the soap scum and grime however. I haven't that kind of time, and to be frank, I never use this bathroom, and like his bedroom, he's let it build up for years. It should be his responsibility. 

And as a child, I remember that he took care of his things. He took care of cleaning and yard work as well. He did various hobbies besides just video games. 

You can see all of his old hobbies. He has yarn from making blankets for my brothers, sisters and I. He finished a baby blanket for my oldest when she was 2 years old. She's 8 now. He has a blanket sewn together from jean fabric he's been working on for nearly 5 years. But it's been put off for the game. Just like playing board games, painting ceramics, drawing, or spending any remotable amount of time outside or getting exercise, and even spending quality time with other human beings has been put off.

It's a shame, because we miss him. It can be tiring only seeing your Father's back as you are trying to hold a conversation. It can be painful to know you are just annoying him, that he really wants you to just go away. That raid boss he can queue into at anytime needs to die right now. And he lets you know that by queuing for it 2 minutes into an attempted conversation. 

And it fucking hurts. 

Edited by Natasha
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry Natasha that you're going through this with your father. You don't deserve it. Remember that we cannot change other people we can only change ourselves. So it's really important to take care of yourself. Don't clean his place and if he doesn't want to engage with you then spend less time trying to engage with him if it hurts you. Sometimes people like us and your father who are struggling need to experience loss (such as people disengaging from their lives) in order to realize the true costs of what the habit is doing. Keep letting him know you love him and set healthy boundaries with him such as refusing to talk to him while he is playing a game. 

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Natasha said:

He needed to get this particular batch of digital pixels. His achievement list required he did, you see? It makes sense in the moment, when you have made everything about your life centered around a game. But now, it's honestly quite horrific. 

I was looking around his room, taking in the fact that my father was surround by 5 years of dust. So much so that even commonly used items sifted the dust around. It can't be good for his health. But he refuses to keep tidy, and won't let me do it for him. His bathroom, he has on rare occasion let me touch up. It takes days to wash up the soap scum and grime however. I haven't that kind of time, and to be frank, I never use this bathroom, and like his bedroom, he's let it build up for years. It should be his responsibility. 

And as a child, I remember that he took care of his things. He took care of cleaning and yard work as well. He did various hobbies besides just video games. 

You can see all of his old hobbies. He has yarn from making blankets for my brothers, sisters and I. He finished a baby blanket for my oldest when she was 2 years old. She's 8 now. He has a blanket sewn together from jean fabric he's been working on for nearly 5 years. But it's been put off for the game. Just like playing board games, painting ceramics, drawing, or spending any remotable amount of time outside or getting exercise, and even spending quality time with other human beings has been put off.

It's a shame, because we miss him. It can be tiring only seeing your Father's back as you are trying to hold a conversation. It can be painful to know you are just annoying him, that he really wants you to just go away. That raid boss he can queue into at anytime needs to die right now. And he lets you know that by queuing for it 2 minutes into an attempted conversation. 

And it fucking hurts. 

This is written very well, @Natasha.  It touched a nerve in me.  You see, when my little niece would visit, she wanted to play with me.  And you know what I did?  I turned my back on her and said, 'Just gimme one more minute, sweetie.  Just another minute.....I'll be right there!"  She wobbled towards me,  poked me at my side and softly asked, "What dat?" , pointing at the MMORPG I was playing.  To this day, I replay that vision in my head every time I even think about returning to video gaming.  The scene cuts into my soul, and I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER allow a video game to interfere with spending quality time with my loved ones.  I can't tell you how many people DO this, without feeling any guilt at all because they are so absorbed into the game!  It saddens me and infuriates me, and I can do NOTHING to help them.  As @info-gatherer mentioned not long ago, "You have to be the example". 

There is a very good website for people whose family members are addicted to video games.  http://www.olganon.org/home

All you can really do is focus on being healthy yourself:  body, mind, and spirit.  Live a full life, be active in your community, friends, or politically.  Do what you can to give your father the best example of what life can be like without video games.  Another tip I read was to avoid enabling him.  Which means, don't clean up after his room, don't serve him meals at his computer, don't grocery shop for him, or do laundry for him, etc.  He has to face the consequences of addictive gaming. 

Thank you so much for writing about this in a creative way, from your tormented perspective. I like how you used the word 'horrific' to describe your father's behavior.  It's a horrific tragedy.  :(

 

Edited by Dannigan
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 12/90

2 hours ago, Natelovesboardgames said:

I'm so sorry Natasha that you're going through this with your father. You don't deserve it. Remember that we cannot change other people we can only change ourselves. So it's really important to take care of yourself. Don't clean his place and if he doesn't want to engage with you then spend less time trying to engage with him if it hurts you. Sometimes people like us and your father who are struggling need to experience loss (such as people disengaging from their lives) in order to realize the true costs of what the habit is doing. Keep letting him know you love him and set healthy boundaries with him such as refusing to talk to him while he is playing a game. 

I know it's time to be more tight with boundaries. My husband and I got into the habit of having our kids say goodnight to Papa after brushing teeth. There was this one time we forgot and he made a big deal out if it. "I have to go to them now?" 

It was just the weirdest thing to say. So now I think we need to break the habit so he has to leave his room more. 

I will not bother cleaning his spaces anymore. The bathroom get super gross before I return to it anyways. 

2 hours ago, Dannigan said:

This is written very well, @Natasha.  It touched a nerve in me.  You see, when my little niece would visit, she wanted to play with me.  And you know what I did?  I turned my back on her and said, 'Just gimme one more minute, sweetie.  Just another minute.....I'll be right there!"  She wobbled towards me,  poked me at my side and softly asked, "What dat?" , pointing at the MMORPG I was playing.  To this day, I replay that vision in my head every time I even think about returning to video gaming.  The scene cuts into my soul, and I promised myself that I would NEVER EVER allow a video game to interfere with spending quality time with my loved ones.  I can't tell you how many people DO this, without feeling any guilt at all because they are so absorbed into the game!  It saddens me and infuriates me, and I can do NOTHING to help them.  As @info-gatherer mentioned not long ago, "You have to be the example". 

There is a very good website for people whose family members are addicted to video games.  http://www.olganon.org/home

All you can really do is focus on being healthy yourself:  body, mind, and spirit.  Live a full life, be active in your community, friends, or politically.  Do what you can to give your father the best example of what life can be like without video games.  Another tip I read was to avoid enabling him.  Which means, don't clean up after his room, don't serve him meals at his computer, don't grocery shop for him, or do laundry for him, etc.  He has to face the consequences of addictive gaming. 

Thank you so much for writing about this in a creative way, from your tormented perspective. I like how you used the word 'horrific' to describe your father's behavior.  It's a horrific tragedy.  :(

 

It's a weird feeling isn't it? I used to do the same thing to my oldest and middle daughter. It's why I wanted to quit as well. I felt what they might be feeling through how I felt about my dad. 

Thank you for sharing your story. I think we've all done this as gamers at one point or another to someone we love. The difference between us and the other gamers though, is that we are strong enough to see the bad behaviour and make an effort to change it. We can see fault within ourselves. A lot of people who game are trying to hide from self development all together. It is an escape from reality after all. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 13/90

Have you ever looked at the things around your house and asked yourself, "Where did all this crap come from?"

Living in America, it is common to be constantly bombarded with ads and commercials on the tv and just by walking around anywhere. There is junk food places on literally every corner and consumerism is encouraged to help the economy moving. 

When I first went vegan, I realized how powerful these messages were. 

Before veganism though, I never learned to really look at the stuff surrounding me. 

I was 16 years old when my mom and dad divorced. I stayed with my dad. I was his only child and he took care of me more than my mom did. Regardless of where I went, I was going to have to pay rent. The better option was Dad. I like him better and there was space in his house for my boyfriend and I to live comfortably. That boyfriend is now my husband. 

Things were getting better, but first we had to deal with all the stuff. My grandma, four brothers, two sisters, my moms new boyfriend, my dad, my husband, and I had all lived there with a dog. My mom took nearly everything she could, including things that were my and dad's before she and him ever got back together. But she also left garbage, broken furniture, and a storage unit worth of stuff in the backyard storage area that we were to hold onto for her. Plus just everything she forgot to take with her in the house we were expected to give to her. Then there was all dad's collections that she didn't want.

My  husband, and I had nearly nothing. We had to rebuild from scratch. 

I was depressed during that phase of our lives. I was still in high school and my mom had just cheated on my dad and neglected my siblings and I for a long time. All of a sudden it became clear she didn't really care about me. If she did, she wouldn't have taken things I paid for, stolen my dad's, boyfriend's, and my money to pay bills and the mortgage for the house to go buy her own house. She left us in near foreclosure and couldn't understand why we hated her. She took thousands of our dollars for a down payment on a house she couldn't afford. She stole from us. How could we fathom wanting to be around her?

We get along better now. I don't know why. 

This is when my dad, my husband, and I all got even more addicted to World of Warcraft. We became absorbed. Raiding, pvping, alts, running guilds, and all that. 

We only ordered takeaway and raided when we weren't at work or school. 

We gained a bunch of weight, had a baby, and continued to put on weight. In two years I put on 170lbs. At my highest weight I was 300lbs. 

The journey to my weight loss first started with dealing with all the stuff. Only after dealing with the emotional weight of the things surrounding me was I able think critically about what I wanted in my life. But that process didn't begin until I was nearly 20. It's only been 6 years. It makes it seem like I've accomplished so much more than I have. 

Sometimes you forget to stop accumulating and hiding during stressful times. 

It's time to be more mindful of why we do things. A lot of shopping, gaming, and other addictions are a signal that something is hurting within the soul. It can't be treated by distractions. Those feelings have to be felt and dealt with head on. 

That's a process I am constantly working on during my lifestyle change to minimalism. Understanding the why and dealing with the emotions. A lot of my things were bought when I was in pain and wanted to feel better. 

I don't want to numb my feelings anymore.

Edited by Natasha
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 14/90

When you play games sometimes you to tend to lose sense of the people around you. You start to ignore them because, well, they're family or friends, they're always gonna be there.

With that kind of security triggered in your head, it's easier to focus on the game. After all, what do you have to worry about? They will always be there!

With that and my stubbornness in regards to visiting my mom's side of family due to still lingering hurt pride, I hardly know my brothers and sisters anymore, let alone my nieces and nephews. I would avoid looking at my stepfather and my step uncle's and cousins and such as family, because while I had mostly forgiven him and my mother, I still looked at them as enemies. 

They hurt us deeply, never accepted any blame for it, and expected us to just move on. I still have difficulty with that, but I am always working towards forgiving, but not forgetting, so it never happens again. 

Around the time my oldest daughter was born, my step aunt and uncle had a baby. She was only supposed to live up to 6 months, but she's lived to be 8 years old, suffering immensely the whole time.

And I only spent time with that little girl occasionally, only once or twice each year until she was 4, although in her first two years I saw her just a little bit more than that. This child, this relative of mine had a death sentence over her head, and I still saw her as someone who would always be there for me to bond with later. 

I found out yesterday. I was so excited that I had managed to sell the DS, the ps2, and games and DVDs that I had, that I was calling people to tell them how much closer to being game free I was getting. 

My mom didn't pick up. 

She texted me and told me she was at the hospital with my cousin and she'd text me back later. That was the day before yesterday. I didn't think much of it, that little girl was always in hospital. 

I tried again yesterday. She texted the same thing. I asked if it was serious. She said would call me when she got home. 

I texted my best friend telling her that I thought my cousin was dying. I felt it in my heart to be true. My mom never takes hospital visits this seriously. Usually she would call me, tell me what's going on as it's happening with a martyr kind of attitude for even being there. She wasn't doing that. That's how I knew. 

The realization slapped me in the face so hard. I was pulling myself together this year. I was finally making the time for my loved ones. I was making more of an effort. That's what quitting games and minimalism was about for me. It was about making room for what was more important. 

But now I was never going to have that time with her. I wasn't going to be there to support my aunt and uncle through this time. But I could've had that time. I fucked up so bad that I wasn't even invited to say goodbye. To kiss her and hold her hand one last time. To hug and kiss my aunt and uncle and tell them I'd be there for them.

What can I expect though? I wasn't there. Everything else in my life was so much more important than them. But even though that was the case, I still loved them. 

She will be dead by the end of tonight, if she's lasted longer than that, maybe til the end of the week. Her parents are spending all the time they can with her, and my mom advised against going. She was worried about my reaction to seeing that child connected to tubes and pumps as she breathes as hard as she can, trying to make it through the night. 

But I am more worried about interfering with a parents last moments with their only child. If it was my daughter, I would be angry if a distant relative only made an appearance when her life was ending. To interfere on my time with my beloved child. One who I loved so dearly and who I fought to keep alive for 8 years. I would be resentful. Where were you? 

So, out of respect for them and their child, I will not just interfere after they've already sent everyone else away. 

There will more likely be no funeral. They intend to cremate her. They might have a small gathering for immediate family, but that does not include me, or my siblings for that matter. 

I keep trying to act like it doesn't affect me so deeply, but it does. I should have been there for her, but pride and games were more important to me. 

I should have been there for her. 

 

Edited by Natasha
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 14/90

My cousin died just a few hours after my last post. At 12:30 pm. I found out an hour later. The woman who we adopted as the girls' grandma was there when I found out. So was dad. 

What could we say? I was upset. So was she. Empathy is a really powerful emotion. 

I just feel a lot of regret.

I have this sudden urge to visit the cemetery and visit an old friend. I didn't visit his urn last year on our birthday. I just feel this urge to write a letter, talk to him, and cry. We all miss him. I'm kind of afraid of losing everyone else too. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 15/90

Last night I felt kind of lost. I wanted to install Kal Online and kill things for a while, but I didn't have internet to do that. I wanted to play wow bc private servers, but same story. Both were uninstalled and no internet. I thought about kingdom hearts next, but I had sold that system and those games. 

I layed down after the kids were in bed and processed. I broke down and when my husband got home we went to store to get junk food. 

Ispent more than I should have. Vegan junk food isn't cheap. And I had already bought our groceries and made quinoa and veggies soup that was stored in the fridge. My husband and I eat gluten free, vegan, oil free, processed food free, and condiment free like 90% of the time. But I wanted the beyond meat burger with the works. I wanted vegan cheese. I wanted the vegan meatballs, and chicken sliders, and I wanted bread, and homemade pizzas. 

It also took from the debt repayment budget I had. So I'll need to redo the budgets I set for this month through June. 

I cried a lot. 

The night before last I had sold my ps2, the DS, including games and controllers and such for both, and 5 TV show series I had. I sold everything way below what I normally would, and made $185. 

I just wanted these things gone. If I hadn't done that, I would've relapsed last night. So I guess in that regard, the universe or whatever wants me to continue on this detox journey. 

I see now that I need to be careful about food too. Food was the other coping mechanism I used after mom and dad's divorce besides gaming. You can be a fat vegan. I haven't even finished all my weight loss because of vegan junk food, 2 pregnancies, and a spinal fracture! That's why we spent the last 6 months easing out of it! We had finally gotten to the point of using up baking supplies, and all the condiments, and all that stuff.... 

I have to stop looking at food and games for coping with feelings. 

I'm so dumb to fall into old traps. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't overstate how much respect I have for you in getting rid of those games from your house before you relapsed. Also, as a vegetarian I can feel your pain about the price of meat-replacing food, and understand that it is significantly harder for you than it is for me. That said, the fact that you are putting a premium on your health is fantastic.

Reading through your journals I can see that this is a very painful time in your life. It also looks like it's a time of great healing as well, as most detox's are. Finding activities similar to writing in this journal will help act as natural replacements to food and electronics for stress relief. I recommend art and exercise (especially yoga, since you have had a spinal fracture in the past) as two activities that have acted as replacements in my life.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is a hard time for you.  I'm not sure what you'll be feeling today, this evening, tomorrow, or next week.  But with the additional pain of losing a loved one, I don't blame you for feeling tempted to numb it through gaming or food.  The good thing is that you wrote what you were feeling and struggling with.  I can only assume that this is therapeutic for you.  Whatever will help you get through each day, whether it's talking to your supportive spouse about gaming urges, writing about it on Game Quitters, writing in a private journal, whatever medium you wish to use. 

You have already built a successful foundation prior to joining Game Quitters.  I'm glad you're able to reflect on that from time to time.  It has brought you many steps forward on the right path.

I am no expert in the grieving process, but what about planning a 'wake' to remember your cousin even though she has passed on from this world?  Could you also involve your closest family, perhaps even your father?  It's an opportunity to grieve in a positive way. 

Edited by Dannigan
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm not sure what to say that hasn't been said already. I have lost people in the past, and am afraid of losing people in the future as well. What keeps me going is the thought of those around me, and what I have now. Wishing you peace and strength for this period, you did an amazing job not relapsing.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 16/90

Yesterday I spent my day decluttering, minimizing, organizing, and packing. 

The pizzas didn't taste as good as I remembered. But everything except the crust was processed. That's probably why. I told my husband and kids to finish mine. 

The burgers and sliders were amazing as always. They taste the closest to real meat. To the real thing so I'm not surprised I loved it. 

When I got up yesterday morning, I wrote in my blog first thing. Then I finally tackled my kitchen with my husband. We got two boxes overfilled with things that were just ours that we never use or didn't suit our purposes anymore. After that I utilized every cabinet space more efficiently until all I had were dirty dishes. I figured I'd sort those out today. 

I decluttered my kids things again. I threw away broken things, and removed 1/3 the stuff in my youngest daughter's room. I went through and recycled all my oldest daughter's kindergarten papers and reorganized her desk so all her notebook paper was with her pencils and crayon pencils. All comics in their magazine holding dividers, book with books in order, etc. 

I do this every few months, make sure things are in their place. Usually I do it with them, but not yesterday. My husband made the good will run I built up this month. 

I called my mom and told her what we were selling the small TV for with the Blu Ray player and HDMI cable. So we sell that on the third. To her. $50 bucks then. Ca ching. 

My friends are buying my spare parts computer for $50 as well at some point. It was the best computer in the house, but I'm not gonna spend the money to fix it and it's spent two years under my bed just sitting. I just don't want it to go to waste. It's excellent for gaming, the hard drive just failed. But not fixing it helped me to not game as much these last two years on MMOs and the Sims 3 and 4 with all the expansions because the games lagged so much on my other computers. I was gaming on YouTube at that time. I deleted that channel even though I was building a bit of followers because the computer stopped working. I couldn't continue the videos with the quality I was doing without it. 

So I am glad to see these things go. 

Well, soon. 

After I worked on my house a bit, I played with the kids with my husband. It was fun. The kids were excited about pizza. They had pizza and pie. 

Near the kid's bedtime I got a text from my best friend. They were moving. I asked to help. I love packing, cleaning and decluttering. Plus they were injured in the past and don't have as much mobility as I do. I've been healing longer, and honestly I've done a lot of heavy lifting in my last job as a retail supervisor in produce and nutrition. Fucking milk...fucking potatoes....lol! 

After 2 1/2 hours of packing, and half an hour dicking around playing hangman and various five minute breaks, nearly the entire kitchen was packed, most of their main living area, and the majority of the rest of their apartment. The fit a lot of stuff in a studio. We ran out of room to work. Do once they actually do the move I'll try and help then. 

I wanted reinstall Diablo 2 and the Sims 4 so bad. But I colored or cleaned or packed stuff instead. I rarely open my computer, so while the tempation of reinstalling was there, I didn't go anywhere near where the computer was or where the games were. (2 different rooms) I just colored when I got cravings, cleaned, or decluttered, or packed. 

I cried again yesterday a couple of times, but I actively tried to keep my mind off my cousin's death.

I focused more on the people alive around me. 

Today I am meeting up with another friend around 1 pm. Then at 7:30 my husband, another friend, and I are playing d and at my house. Anytime before 11, if my best friend needs help with moving, I'll help her, but if not, that's ok too. My friends are more family to me than my extended family. (Outside the people who live in my house, all other family members are considered extended.) We put forth equal effort to talk, meet, and spend time together every week. Instead of me being the only one who ever reaches out, we all reach out to one another all the time. They are helping me grieve. My extended family only cares about themselves and always have. With them, it's always been about what they can get from me. 

I'm coming to accept that it's not all my fault that I missed out on my cousin. A lot of it was me, but a lot if it was protecting my resources and feelings and children from toxic people. 

I'm slowly accepting that as a truth, even though my heart is still broken. 

I wanted to send a card, or flowers, or takeaway. But my mom said there was a fundraiser going on instead. To donate money there. I asked if it was going towards cremation or a wake or a funeral and she said no. Those things were paid for. It was for them to use while they get past this. 

I know that this isn't about me. But it was about my niece. And I want my money to go towards honoring her. Not being wasted at a casino or some trip or anything like that for her parents. I get they are grieving, but I am broke, and the limited resources I wanted to share I want to honor her. 

Does that make me a bitch? They're not having a funeral, but they want everyone to pay for them to run away? Fuck that. I want to honor my niece. Not pay for fucking cheap beer and gambling or expensive trips outside of the state! 

To me it's exploiting their daughter's death. The description talks about paying for her funeral and the cremation, but my mother said that's not what it's being used for. Exploition of kind strangers and relatives then. $5000 is a lot of money. That would pay off half my medical debt. 

But I keep my thoughts to myself, because it's rude and it's not my place. 

Thank you, Pierce, Dani, and Bear. I'll just be posting once a day for a little while. Thank you for being a support system for me. It helps a lot. 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 17/90

Yesterday I felt so much anger, but that's all gone now. Realistically, it's not my place to feel like the money they say is being used for a cremation and a funeral even if it's not being used for that, and is being used for a trip to wherever they want go and spend money is exploition. It's not my business. So I'm dropping those feelings.

I'm dropping the feelings I had about visiting my mom's side of the family too. I felt so guilty. I felt so guilty that I forgot that I've never been invited to one birthday party or to celebrate a holiday. I forgot that I don't get invited over ever. I forgot that even though I attempt to call my siblings all the time they are too busy playing a video game or smoking pot to talk to me. I forgot that Everytime I've invited them over for anything, they couldn't come because they were to busy to celebrate their nieces birthdays, or I was expected to give them money or chaffeuer them for them to come (with the expectation that I'd take them back when they felt like leaving, even if it was in the middle of a party!). Or they could only stay 20 minutes to an hour cuz they had poker, bowling, or friends that was more important than us. 

So, I'm not going to feel guilty anymore. After all, I extended the olive branch many times just to get my feelings hurt. So, I'm good. I don't need to get my kids' hopes up about relatives who don't care, or not showing up when they said they would. Or never being available. We have our pseudo family, and that's much better than what we were originally dealt. 

I'm going to work on being positive from this post forward. 

I really appreciate everyone here and I want to write positive things. 

Oh! Like no game cravings yesterday! Yay!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Natasha said:

Day 17/90

Yesterday I felt so much anger, but that's all gone now. Realistically, it's not my place to feel like the money they say is being used for a cremation and a funeral even if it's not being used for that, and is being used for a trip to wherever they want go and spend money is exploition. It's not my business. So I'm dropping those feelings.

I'm dropping the feelings I had about visiting my mom's side of the family too. I felt so guilty. I felt so guilty that I forgot that I've never been invited to one birthday party or to celebrate a holiday. I forgot that I don't get invited over ever. I forgot that even though I attempt to call my siblings all the time they are too busy playing a video game or smoking pot to talk to me. I forgot that Everytime I've invited them over for anything, they couldn't come because they were to busy to celebrate their nieces birthdays, or I was expected to give them money or chaffeuer them for them to come (with the expectation that I'd take them back when they felt like leaving, even if it was in the middle of a party!). Or they could only stay 20 minutes to an hour cuz they had poker, bowling, or friends that was more important than us. 

So, I'm not going to feel guilty anymore. After all, I extended the olive branch many times just to get my feelings hurt. So, I'm good. I don't need to get my kids' hopes up about relatives who don't care, or not showing up when they said they would. Or never being available. We have our pseudo family, and that's much better than what we were originally dealt. 

I'm going to work on being positive from this post forward. 

I really appreciate everyone here and I want to write positive things. 

Oh! Like no game cravings yesterday! Yay!

That sounds like a healthy boundary, @Natasha.  One day at a time.  You are doing well.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Day 18/90

When I was a kid I spent a lot of my free time writing stories. I would write at school, or at home. I wrote at the park and shared my stories. I wanted to write a book then. In fact, I've always wanted to write a book, but I became distracted by video games and such all the time. 

I wasted time writing fanfiction too. Tonight I am deleting all my fanfiction. 

I intend to create a writing space in my home and commit to writing at least 20 minutes a day. 

Goal 1: 90 days gaming free. 

Goal 2: write 20 minutes a day everyday until gaming detox ends and re evaluate.

Goal 3: finish knitting my daughter's baby blankets. Anytime I watch a film, I will focus on knitting as well. 

Goal 4: color every day. I have 32 adult coloring books, the 150 Prisma color pencils set, a 24 pack of prismas, the 130 pack of Faber castels, Crayola pencils, Sargent pencils, and too many markers and gel pens. It's a great destressor. It relaxes me. ( Plus the declutterer in me wants to use up these supplies and not replace them so I have more space. )

I'm going to do my goals every morning. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I sat down and for 20 minutes I started planning my first novel. I didn't necessarily write everything down. I did draw up a family tree for a couple characters and sifted through previous notes determining whether or not to keep or delete. I'm happy I made progress, even if it was very little to start. 

I sat down to eat my second lunch...salad. my husband called me from work on his lunch when my 4 year old looked up and saw...a swarm of mating ants above my head on our back sliding door. I handed her the phone and vacuumed them all up, found more at the kitchen window (not too far to the left of the sliding door) and did the same there. The doors and windows in the house were closed! I squished individual ants that came out after the vaccumming. There was at least a hundred between the two spots. It took so long my husband's hour lunch wad over 5 minutes after I finally finished. :( 

I put the vaccume outside, ants still crawling around it. It's no bag. I hope they don't get out and die inside it.... Ewww.

We've had ants for a while but the traps we laid out aren't really working apparently. *Hyperventilating*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Those are great goals :D This is inspiring me to set a goal to draw a bit everyday.. should I? I'm not a 100% sure. Once I start I will want to continue on too much, do you ever experience that? So I try to save it for a chunk of free time, like 2-3 Hrs or so. Btw... what are mating ants, don't ants  mate with the queen?

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share