Bagradain's Journal

[Bagradain]

Saturday, October 7. Today I realized that my addiction to games comes from the fact that I praise myself and am proud of myself only in games. I have always, as long as I can remember, played games longer than my peers and went further in the game plot than them, I was a better player than them. I am especially good at shooters and MMORPGs.

As for real life, I've hated it since childhood. I don't have any favorite hobbies or activities that were easier for me or that I was better at than others. All I can do now is read and watch TV series. I am still looking for a job and working with a psychologist about my addiction.

Despite the fact that I have not been home for 2 years because of the war, everything seems to be going well for me. I live in a hostel, I have enough food, I have warm clothes for the winter. I have a girlfriend, she loves me (even thinks I'm perfect for some reason), I love her too.

But even with all this, I hate real life, I don't love myself, I don't appreciate my achievements in real life. It's like I'm alive in another world, where I don't belong. It becomes especially difficult in the evening and at night. I'm sad and I feel anger that I used to get rid of by killing monsters in MMORPGs. What should I do next?

Have a good evening, everyone.

[wheatbiscuit]

On 10/8/2023 at 6:16 AM, Bagradain said:

Saturday, October 7. Today I realized that my addiction to games comes from the fact that I praise myself and am proud of myself only in games. I have always, as long as I can remember, played games longer than my peers and went further in the game plot than them, I was a better player than them. I am especially good at shooters and MMORPGs.

As for real life, I've hated it since childhood. I don't have any favorite hobbies or activities that were easier for me or that I was better at than others. All I can do now is read and watch TV series. I am still looking for a job and working with a psychologist about my addiction.

Despite the fact that I have not been home for 2 years because of the war, everything seems to be going well for me. I live in a hostel, I have enough food, I have warm clothes for the winter. I have a girlfriend, she loves me (even thinks I'm perfect for some reason), I love her too.

But even with all this, I hate real life, I don't love myself, I don't appreciate my achievements in real life. It's like I'm alive in another world, where I don't belong. It becomes especially difficult in the evening and at night. I'm sad and I feel anger that I used to get rid of by killing monsters in MMORPGs. What should I do next?

Have a good evening, everyone.

My first solo games were Mario and Pokemon on a Gameboy. I knew I was average at both (I was also the guy who pitted his Pikachu against Onyx several times before dubbing it fruitless). But when I discovered MMORPGS, it became almost the perfect channel for my energies and frustrations. In my opinion, even though they taught me several things, including the will to read about advancing gameplay, our family shouldn't have gone there. However, thinking that doesn't help much. 

Things I changed these past few years before quitting gaming this May included choices in music. If nothing else, I hear, a depressed person can observe, and perhaps remember many special moments well - I'd say I did. Innocent songs like those of Owl City encouraged me to easier embrace life living outside of the family home on the way to work (I did have a steady job then, whilst also on strong medication). 

Physical exercise, outdoors if you can, might help you feel more connected with the physical world. I had a few barefoot phases doing that in the park and other places too. Also something good I've yet to try is colouring in - that could be a shared activity as well, alongside music. Anything that helps you feel inside your own person, and appreciate the differences between you and others and them just being there and around you (this time I'm thinking of exercise gymnasiums) - I say this because sometimes I still compare the outside world to a competitive PvP zone, where I'm trying to get to and from places unscathed, instead of simply participating in a society.

I've frequently been a little bit odd/neurotic in the past though - so stick around for what anyone else has to add!

~ Matt

Edited October 8, 2023 by wheatbiscuit

[Bagradain]

8 hours ago, wheatbiscuit said:

My first solo games were Mario and Pokemon on a Gameboy. I knew I was average at both (I was also the guy who pitted his Pikachu against Onyx several times before dubbing it fruitless). But when I discovered MMORPGS, it became almost the perfect channel for my energies and frustrations. In my opinion, even they taught me several things, including the will to read about advancing gameplay, our family shouldn't have gone there. However, thinking that doesn't help much. 

Things I changed these past few years before quitting gaming this May included choices in music. If nothing else, I hear, a depressed person can observe, and perhaps remember many special moments well - I'd say I did. Innocent songs like those of Owl City encouraged me to easier embrace life living outside of the family home on the way to work (I did have a steady job then, whilst also on strong medication). 

Physical exercise, outdoors if you can, might help you feel more connected with the physical world. I had a few barefoot phases doing that in the park and other places too. Also something good I've yet to try is colouring in - that could be a shared activity as well, alongside music. Anything that helps you feel inside your own person, and appreciate the differences between you and others and them just being there and around you (this time I'm thinking of exercise gymnasiums) - I say this because sometimes I still compare the outside world to a competitive PvP zone, where I'm trying to get to and from places unscathed, instead of simply participating in a society.

I've frequently been a little bit odd/neurotic in the past though - so stick around for what anyone else has to add!

~ Matt

Thank you.

I have lots of good memories with Owl City, and with Game Boy too, Mario and Pokémon always be my favourite even now when I'm trying to quit.

Thanks for the advices, I'll try them out today.

~ Bohdan.

Edited October 8, 2023 by Bagradain