"Moderate", kinda accomplished gamer

[Silent John]

Hello, 

on the internet I just like to call myself "John", even though my real name isn't even close to that. It all started almost a year ago. I was very, very deep into PMO. I couldn't make it after only a couple of days, even though once I was around 140 days clean from doing PMO. For the holidays, the whole 3 months I planned to just workout in the gym - work - play - sleep - repeat. But some day I came back from work very frustrated and tired (its not my dream job tbh) and wanted to chill and play my favorite game (ww2 simulator), but I had to go out soulwinning (its just a Christian thing, to tell people The Bible way to heaven). But I didn't go this time. I decided to just stay in home and play.

I felt like I betrayed God and the only one thought in my head was "what in the world am I doing? I stayed home to just play some video game???". Then I realized that I have a problem. I thought back then that I may be addicted to video games, so the day after I put my PS5 and XSX on a website like "eBay" to sell it. But I didn't have the guts to actually sell it. Then I thought to myself that "okay, so I will just limit it drastically", so I did. I limited it. A little. 

A couple of months later I decided to sell my PS5 and XSX to buy a PC to just play my favorite game, ww2 simulator (I won't mention its name, to not trigger anybody) on higher resolution and with better details, better everything. I was super happy for that. And got even more addicted to this game. I spent a couple of months working, pretending to write my engineer thesis, going to church, soulwinning and playing video games.

I got so hooked on playing that I totally neglected writing my thesis. And I didn't manage to deliver it in time, so I decided that I will do it later, I just got another year to do that. But it took me a little to realize that I didn't write it in time in order to play on my super computer. But I was like "screw this, I wanted to have a gap year between bachelor and masters degree, so it don't change much". Except I failed my mother and she was super upset about that. After a couple of weeks she calmed down and accepted this fact.

My mind has changed a little in the recent months. I couldn't even imagine myself playing some RPGs for over 100 hours. It seems to be lame for me now. I was clean from PMO for like 30 days (as I am writing this, I am clean for 104 days from PMO, my previous streak was 102 days). I still really liked my beloved ww2 simulator, but 3 hours of playing this game in a row was a maximum I wanted to play, afterwards It felt boring. I felt like im not an addict! But some weeks I had to work for around 50 hours, during the workdays I didn't play because of the lack of time, so I was just waiting for the weekend to actually have some time to play and to go out somewhere. It felt amazing. Even when I went somewhere I still had playing in the back of my mind. But I ignored it.  Anyway, I started to like my life, despite its not perfect (basically I would just change my job for something I like).

The thing was - whenever I was in home, I was playing or when I didn't want to anymore, I couldn't bring myself to do something else, because other things weren't that exciting as playing. So I decided in those situations to play some different game. Or whenever I went out, I didn't want to spend too much time in some places, because I had video games in the back of my head. I wasn't rushing home to just play, but everything except playing video games was more like a chore. I wasn't 100% present while doing other stuff. Only video games were relaxing for me. 

I started also cold approaching, just for the sake of social confidence. I got some phone numbers, went on some dates. The more I was doing it, the more I improved in real life, the less I wanted to play video games. Really. The maximum amount of hours I could play decreased to like 2/3 hours per day. Some days it even felt like I was doing it only because Im used to. Recently I realized that I have cravings to play this ww2 simulator and I couldn't imagine myself not playing for more than a week. Even though I couldn't bring myself to play more than 3 hours!!! So, finally, I realized that I am a mild addict or call you however you want. And also that video games were holding me back from reaching my 100% potential and I don't see them in my future. I want to have a great wife and kids and earn decent amount of money, so where would be the time for playing? I also would have them in the back of my mind.

In the recent days I sent a ticket to Steam support a couple of times to delete my account permanently and every time I cancelled it. I didn't have the guts. And selling my pc? I couldn't do that alone, I had to ask people on discord for support. Thoughts of selling my PC were giving me headaches. Seriously. Since I was I child, I always had a machine I could play on. I wanted to cut this cancer! I wanted to be 100% present wherever I was! So I decided to do that in the easiest way (at least for me) possible. I decided to keep my Steam account, but sell my PC, because I couldn't do the detox for more than 2 days having it on my desk and tempting me to play.

After I sold it I felt joy in my mind, but my soul was super sad. It was super weird. On the one hand I finally will do things that I wanted to do, like learn Spanish, read more books, learn about finances etc. But on the other hand... I always had a machine to play on. After one day without it I just feel awkward. It feels more like I had to change my habits than cut my addiction (still I have to do the detox in order to make other things more exciting). I decided to do at least +/- 150 day detox. At the beginning of December I will decide if I still want to buy a PC or not. 

I probably won't describe my everyday here, because I value my privacy. Maybe I will just describe the symptoms of quitting gaming. We will see.

Edited July 17, 2023 by Silent John

[D_Cozy]

On 7/17/2023 at 5:37 PM, Silent John said:

So, finally, I realized that I am a mild addict or call you however you want. And also that video games were holding me back from reaching my 100% potential and I don't see them in my future. I want to have a great wife and kids and earn decent amount of money, so where would be the time for playing? I also would have them in the back of my mind.

...

At the beginning of December I will decide if I still want to buy a PC or not. 

I very strongly associate with you here. For me it was a gacha game on mobile. Even though I had a family and a decent job at the time, I still was not reaching my full potential; I was stagnating in my knowledge and growth of my field, and I had basically no IRL friends that I spent time with.

As soon as I cut gaming out and started my detox, I got a much more fulfilling job at a start-up and I became a more present father and husband. I hit a point where I was happy with myself and with my life; and only then was I able to evaluate whether I wanted to keep playing in moderation. I did eventually choose to play in moderation, after detoxing and getting my life in a better place; but I cut gacha mobile games out completely, and I stay away from pretty much any predatory games with similar mechanics that are triggering for me. In my experience, playing in moderation means not playing everything, and that includes avoiding games that I developed problematic behavior towards; be ready to accept that you might have to do the same thing with this ww2 simulator and similar games in your case. As scary as that might sound now, there's plenty of other kinds of entertainment out there, in other games and in other ways too.

If you want some reassurance, I personally think you're approaching this the right way. Before you can even think of playing games, you have to be in a good mental spot; you have to truly be happy with yourself and where you're at. That looks different for everybody. The detox helped me a lot with that, because it gave me time to build better habits, find joy in other things that I used to enjoy doing, forge stronger relationships with my family, and apply for a better job. I think you will find similarly that it will help you set your priorities straight.

Por cierto, my primer idoma es español, si quieres podemos platicar en linea, si a caso quieres alguien con quien practicar 🙂 I am fluent in both Spanish and English; en ce moment, j'etudie le français avec Duolingo et je parle français avec mon femme pour pratiquer.

I'd really recommend Duolingo if you haven't tried it for learning Spanish. Great app that uses a lot of the same techniques video games use to keep you coming back; with the key difference that it gets us doing something productive with our time (learning a new language).

Edited July 25, 2023 by D_Cozy

[Amphibian220]

If you learned that there is a concerted effort to weaken you with these games, neutralize your fighting spirit, would you still play them?

Can you share a bit more about the emotions please?  What paths are you going to use to create pressure in your life? What pressure there is already to help you? Or are you going to continue delaying?

i remember visiting my teacher’s home when he treated me to some tea. I felt a brother then because he was giving me his best reception and sharing the history of his tribe. I don't know man, throughout my youth i felt pressure and frequently i would try to defuse it, not realizing it is energy i can use to attack .What if you stick up a finger to shit manipulators who design products to control you?

Have you ever tried being frank with somebody in a position of authority and putting yourself in the hotspot?

Are you afraid of being open to people and having a good laugh with them? 

You can write the answers to these in your personal diary. But these answers helped me a lot in getting my bearings and accelerated changes in my character.

Edited July 27, 2023 by Amphibian220