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Markus's Journal


Markus
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Hi all,

This will be my journal that I'll be writing once in a while. Probably it's not going to be daily in the long run but in the beginning I'll be writing a bit more often to let my future self see what was going on in the past.

I've been contemplating quitting gaming for a long time and I wrote a bit more about myself in my introduction post. As the November started looming, I thought that this is the perfect time to finally quit video gaming, or at least reduce it significantly. The only two "video games" I allow myself to play are Ring Fit Adventure (RFA) and Just Dance, as I have only used them for exercise and for dancing with my girlfriend locally. I also allow playing board games online with my girlfriend since we're in a LDR for a couple of months due to unseen circumstances.

I plan to quit consuming pornographic material at the same time, as I've noticed it's not healthy and I tend to have this balancing act between porn and gaming. Yup, I'll be doing the No Nut November too. I've done it in the past for I believe 60+ days and I believe I can do it again.

To start this all, I want to write down why I am doing this in case I my future self needs to see my thoughts.

WHY AM I DOING THIS

1. I've noticed games are not as fun anymore. Almost all games feel the same or too similar.

2. I've started feeling that I have to play when my friend sends me a message in format "[insert abbreviation of a game]?". We're friends IRL but mostly spend time together online.

3. Sitting at my computer or playing games has became my default way of using my free time and it has been so for years. I feel sick of it.

4. Gaming takes a lot of time in comparison to what I gain from it in the long run. I'd rather learn new skills than climb a ladder in Dota 2 and then have all that be in vein once they release a next big update or the next big title.

5. I sometimes visualize myself from the perspective from another person, as a person who just sits at computer all day long, playing video games and trolling people every now and then. I pity myself when I visualize that.

6. I don't like what gaming has become as an industry during the last 10 years. Games have become a lifestyle and video games are not treated as digital toys anymore, but instead as a product to milk money with.

 

Day 1 (1.11.22)

Wow, what a nice date to quit all that super stimulating gaming and porn.

Pretty easy day overall. I removed Battle.net and removed the password from my password manager to make it harder to log in.

Went outside for a walk while listening to a podcast. It was energizing after a long day of sitting at my computer doing work. After that I did some exercise with the help of RFA.

Went to sleep a bit earlier than usual, started reading a book called "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts".

 

Day 2 (2.11.22)

Struggling. Knowing that it is a new month I recalled that Hearthstone has a new season starting (each month is one season) and it made me tempted to see what my rewards were. I noticed my thoughts going around why it'd be ok to just check the rewards and then just close the game. That way I "wouldn't lose anything".  So, I downloaded the game on my phone and booted it. I see the login screen and realize that I don't remember the password and it's not on my password manager. Became too lazy to figure it out and gave up on the idea.     Big victory!

Now that I think about it later on, I see that my brains just tried to justify why it would be ok to "only do this" since it wasn't part of the core gameplay. "I wouldn't be playing the actual game" my thoughts said and to me it seemed like a fair deal.

I've always been a fan of tech and I like to follow all the news of new CPUs and GPUs. Now that I'm not gaming anymore, I realized that following these news makes no practical sense at all. It never had. I've had this consumer mindset all the time, just wanting to know what's the best stuff in case I need to get new gear... I feel conflicted with my mind. I'll still probably check the show tomorrow out of curiosity since I enjoy analyzing their presentations.

Edited by Markus
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  • Markus changed the title to Markus's Journal

Day 3 - 4

Recent days have been rather chill since I've used more time on cooking and baking. I cooked my lunch during a lunch break that I usually don't do. Usually I just eat something premade and browse internet. I also baked some chocolate chip cookies and have been eating them for a couple of days now. The most difficult times have been the evenings since I just don't have many activities I'm interested in doing.

On 4th I started reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince for entertainment and it felt good to continue reading the series after a few months break.

I've watched some Twitch, but quickly found it quite boring. I didn't really enjoy watching any of the gaming content there so I decided to watch a little bit of Youtube instead and then just had some proper rest.

On my thoughts/feelings side I've noticed that I do a lot of things in order to get acceptance. I've accepted gaming invitations in the past to feel more accepted as a person. On logical level I know that I'm acceptable and deserve love etc, but still feel that I want to become more accepted/understood. Perhaps I'm just not very confident as who I really am?

Day 5 (5.11.22)

Today I handled some shopping I've had on my todo list. I found almost everything I was looking for and it made me feel accomplished. With all the time I've had today (Saturday) because I don't game, I could have the city trip with a more laidback attitude and not rush home that I usually do. I had lunch at Subway and tried a new flavor I hadn't tried before and had sparkling water as drink.

I think this weekend is going to be the biggest difficulty I'm going to have since I'm so used to gaming a lot or some pr0n during the weekends to kill some time. I'm still not sure what I want to do tomorrow, but I'll probably watch a movie and cook a nice lunch for myself.

I've started to feel that I want to be more productive on my free time, even on Saturday, which I find a bit weird. In past I found Saturdays to be my recharging days, but it feels like I'm already well-rested. Maybe it's because I've done more frequent occasional light walks etc and spend less time just hunching at my PC?

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Been a while since last update, but I won't let it bother too much 🙂

Day 7 (7.11)

Had a bit anxious morning, but it got better after talking to my therapist. I found out that there are some needs that I try to fulfill by my compulsive behaviors. Acceptance and being understood seem to be the top reasons for me to start or not starting to do things, and for example inviting gaming invites even thought I don't feel like it is one of them. I also realized that the memories of old experiences may not reflect the kind of experience I'll get from the same thing in a good and bad way.

After the talk I went to have a lunch in a restaurant. I enjoyed it mindfully and instead of just watching videos or listening to the music at the same time I just got immersed with my surroundings, which felt great and soothing. I also got some groceries and a footbag for cheap, since I've wanted to try it for a while.

I cooked food for the week and it made me feel accomplished 🙂

In the evening I ended up watching some Twitch since my friend was streaming, though I didn't enjoy it that much. I noticed that one streamer I used to watch was playing a released version of a game I had played a demo of (Soulstone Survivors) and ended up with FOMO while watching it since the streamer had a great run going on. I continued watching the stream longer than what was planned originally. After watching the stream I felt a bit exhausted, since I had been sitting at my computer so long...

 

Day 8 (Triggers for people fighting with porn)

NNN got too hard to me as it started to interfere with my work. I couldn't think about anything else than masturbating and did it. How it happened? My brains first wanted to do masturbating and maybe even gaming, but then once I had fought enough, it just wanted one of them and I gave in.

And then did it twice again with porn, which broke my porn-free streak. A couple of days ago we had a conversation with my gf about porn and what we think about it inside our relationship and to her it's ok to consume it if it doesn't get in between us, which made me relieved. I don't think we had had the conversation before and because of that I had felt this shame about watching porn. The fact that I assumed porn was unaccepted in our relationship made me feel unaccepted, but now it isn't an issue on that side anymore. I need to do some thinking on what kind of value I want to set for porn in the future. I want to accept it as an occasional part of my life as long as I don't consume it when my gf is able to fulfill my needs.

Because I ended up watching porn, I started considering installing Skyrim with a bunch of lewd mods, because I don't want to watch unethically created real porn. I recovered Skyrim to my Steam library, downloaded it but didn't get any mods or launch it, because I started noticing a downward spiral that would lose all my progress on quitting gaming too.

Learning: All in all I think I'm good with NNN for now. For now I learned what I needed to learn, which is to not feel shameful of my urges and personal "needs". In past I've been able to keep porn consumption in moderation and am confident that I'm able to do that in the future too. I'll get back to quitting it altogether if I find moderating it too difficult.

I watched some Twitch, but it made me wonder why am I just watching games when I could play some? Sure, it makes sense to play since that's more fun, but I noticed the trap I was creating to myself when watching Twitch. I should not watch Twitch anymore as it's just waste of my time. I need to find some things to use my free time on.

In the late evening I went for a walk outside and listened to some game quitters videos. It was pleasantly silent and cool outside. Before going inside I sat on a bench and finished listening one video about philosophy there, enjoying the darkness. It was the best moment of my day.

 

Day 9

Today has been a pretty normal day. No urges to game. I'll be doing some exercises and will do some plans for what to eat tomorrow and the day after.

I've been learning to do tricks with footbag evert time I go to the living room or feel bored. It's been fun and I'm starting to feel some progress. Feels great!

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