Trying for one year game free

[jade_]

Quick update before I go to work today.. 

This week has felt pretty unfocused.

Some positive things: I've been going for regular walks, feeling mostly connected with my partner and felt better at work.

Some negative and neutral things: I've been watching a lot more YouTube this week, I've been sleeping less, I haven't beed meditating that much and I've been playing some Chess (the Chess has been on a site that is much more explorative and fun and less about rating. 

This week had a really tough beginning. I had an unprecedented situation at work which created a unique ethical dilemma. And I stressed out a lot about how I handled it on the day and for the next few days. I actually turned to Chess during this time as a copine mechanism, and YouTube as well.. So I felt like I went backwards with my screen usage. But.. on the plus side I've only watched pornography once this week and I feel reasonably confident going forward about things continuing to improve. 

 

[jade_]

It's been sooo long. Holy shit. I just used a calculator and today would mark 187 days since I decided to quit gaming and watching streams.

I have been mostly successful. In terms of gaming I've played Chess on and off for a lot of it but recently it has been less.

In terms of watching YouTube gaming related content it's been pretty bad lately. 

Three days ago I reinstalled Twitch on my phone and I was streams of a new game because of a new patch. It was fun honestly. I enjoyed the vibe of it. But I felt the negatives. I started waking up and wanting to watch Twitch straight away. Thankfully today my partner and I had heaps of house things to do like mounting the TV on our wall, redoing our outdoor area with a new lounge and also refilling the spa. I was on a real roll today and I realised that of late I lost my motivation with quitting because I didn't really know what to do with my spare time and the watching of YouTube or checking of Instagram had slowly increased. My guitar strings broke like 6 weeks ago and I still haven't repaired it, there's been a real block there.

It's also been hard with the summer holiday period. I associate this time of year with gaming even though I'm still working pretty much all the way up till Christmas. A lot of my friends have more spare time and they are doing some gaming. So I miss that.

But today re-inspired me to realign my focus on getting rid of gaming from my headspace. I did a really job for a period of making it take up waaaay less space but it's been sneaking in lately. Today was awesome though because after doing all this stuff on the house, spending some time with my Dad and feeling like a team with my partner I felt so good. I felt present and here. it made me want to write. I remembered why I quit gaming in the first place. Because this morning I was about to delete the Twitch app and I thought, "But do I even want to delete this? What's the point of deleting it 'just because', because I'll end up resinstalling it anyway." I realised I needed to find my "Why" again for doing all this.

I've had a good glimpse and more today and I want to me accountable to myself again.

So this is day 1 of no twitch or gaming related content on YouTube. My goal is 7 days. It'll be a good thing to do in the lead up to Christmas so I'm more focused and in the moment for it.

I'm also committed to not watching or searching for adult content. That has been a more difficult journey these past few months but I am currently Day 4 on that journey.

I read Stolen Focus by Johann Hari. That was an insanely good read. Mind boggling how addicting technology is and how it has slipped into every aspect of our life. Ultimately this fight has become about more than gaming. It's really a fight of getting my attention and time back from the ultra fast dopamine hits that have come to manipulate my behaviour and make me pretty unhappy and dissatisfied by a lot of things that should actually do the opposite.

 

Edited December 17, 2022 by jade_

[jade_]

Today was great. I went to the beach with my girlfriend. We had a lovely time.

I feel a lot more mental clarity since enforcing a strict limit on gaming related content, including any chess related content. There's not heaps for me to watch on YouTube without that unless it's a specific interest. Today I've been reading more.

It will be interesting this week at work because for the past month I've been watching some YouTube while on break or when there's no calls coming in. No more of that.

day 2 no gaming related content
day 5 no pmo

[Resonant_Shell]

9 hours ago, jade_ said:

It will be interesting this week at work because for the past month I've been watching some YouTube while on break or when there's no calls coming in. No more of that.

This seems like a good decision. At the very least, refraining from such activity at work can help prevent "going down the YouTube rabbit hole" if prone to that sort of thing.

[jade_]

Things have been really good. I surprised myself with how well I've been able to step away from YouTube and gaming related content. Last night I watched a few repeats of The Office to wind down after a night shift of counselling on a helpline and it was good. This morning I woke up, cuddled my girlfriend, had breakfast, had a morning spa (we just got new filters for it so it's extra clean) and hung out my washing. I've got another night shift coming up today and we're going away to visit my family in two days for Christmas so I'm doing some packing and organising for that.

My mind feels sharper than it has in awhile and I feel clearer and cleaner. There has been temptation to watch some gaming content as well as pornography, more for pornography. I think having alternative activities ready, putting my phone on aeroplane mode and being clear on what I'm using my laptop for at night is helping. I'm also constantly reminding myself of how I've felt in the past when I engage in that stuff and how I've been feeling now that I'm steering clear of it more. Harder days will come though I'm sure so I need to keep consistent and focused.

day 4 no gaming related content
day 7 no pmo

Edited December 19, 2022 by jade_

[jade_]

On holiday and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I generally find travelling pretty intense. It takes me a good few days to settle in. This trip has been good all things considered but I do feel off. Yesterday we had 2 hours of delays and a few scares around losing luggage. All is well now but I'm still feeling it.

In terms of my gaming related content abstinence I've been doing great. I think I am feeling some type of withdrawals from it. Nothing major but a bit lost with what my passions are and what I spend spare time doing.

I relapsed with  pmo the other night which was disappointing. It almost started me down a binge but I put a stop to that.

So the current standings are...

Day 7 no gaming related content

Day 2 no pmo

I think I will do Wim Hof breathing later on to reset my physiology.

[jade_]

Very grumpy today. I had a good Christmas eve and also Christmas day. But I got hit hard with some mood swings today.

Overall doing well. I had spare alone time today on holiday and I managed to avoid watching any YouTube or porn. I did a workout with my stepdad which was good.

It has been day where nothing feels that satisfying. Like my dopamine just isn't kicking in how it should. It is day 10 of no gaming related content & day 5 of no pmo. It does feel like there's a bit of a flatline occurring in some ways. But not that severe. I felt very emotional at some points, almost on the verge of tears and found myself wanting to be alone a lot. It was a comedown from Christmas but no one else seemed to really feel it in the same way as me, leading me to believe it is related to withdrawals.

This also feels like a time of the year to reflect. Not sure how I want to reflect but it would be good to do something substantial.

I hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

[Paul A.]

On 12/26/2022 at 5:37 AM, jade_ said:

This also feels like a time of the year to reflect. Not sure how I want to reflect but it would be good to do something substantial.

I think you’ve made great progress this year! Simply deciding that you want to quit gaming and PMO is a step in the right direction. Reflect on how far you’ve come this year and think about what you want your life to look like moving forward. Should be a pretty beneficial exercise

[jade_]

day 13 no gaming related content
day 8 no pmo

200 days since I officially quit gaming - have only played Chess and very, very occasional Super Smash since quitting.

Wow! I had no idea that it was 200 days today, I put in the date of quitting in the day calculator and there it was.

I was already coming to post to say that this last week has rushed past and I feel my brain is definitely healing on a deeper level right now. It also helps that I'm on holidays and I'm spending a lot of time with people, outside, working out and swimming. It's great to have a holiday where I'm not continuing to watch random stuff on YouTube and also not searching for porn late at night or sometimes I've done it in bathrooms while on holidays.

It also feels like a real head start on "New Year's resolutions" which I never really make anyhow. Also to be honest I feel like energetically the New Year already started for me somehow. It often feels that way to me like the official calendar New Year is way off the actual New Year in my psyche. Usually it's later, like mid-Jan or Feb. So it's interesting that it's early this year.

@Paul A. Thanks for the encouragement about reflecting. Since reading that I have been thinking about how much I have achieved this year. And it has been a lot.

[jade_]

day 17 no gaming related content

day 12 no pmo

I realised I say no PMO but I have had two or three orgasms with my partner. They were good. I look forward to being intimate again soon. It's been a bit tricky on holidays and she also has some lower back or pelvis injury that can flare up and make it uncomfortable for her.

All-in-all things are good at the moment. But I am a bit grumpy and flat today. Kind of that last bit of the holiday where I'm not quite sure how I feel about it and also anticipating being back at home. I've honestly felt so different on holiday in mostly positive ways and it's hard to know how much of that is because of being on these great streaks with my self and how much is being with family and my partner without the stresses of every day life. I'm hoping I can bring some of this energy back and continue to find ways of spending my time that aren't self-destructive or that don't give back to me in some way.

My main focuses this year are... career - building my private practice up and continuing to learn more about therapy and helping people with their mental health... relationship - continuing to evolve in my relationship with my partner, have more quality time together and be present in myself and with my desires and boundaries... personal - to continue my personal growth through meditation, contemplation, exercise, relationships and creativity.

Essentially, keeping my head down and doing what I'm doing. There is a determination that I'm bringing to this year that built during the last half of 2022 and I'm excited to see what can come of that.

Acceptance feels like a key part of it for me. Accepting that my life doesn't have be special or perfect or unique to be meaningful, and learning to accept what I have and make the best of it.

[Paul A.]

On 1/1/2023 at 7:39 PM, jade_ said:

Essentially, keeping my head down and doing what I'm doing.

Keep at it!

[jade_]

Pretty grumpy today again today. Tired of not being in my own bed as well. I have that feeling today of just wanting to be alone for a long time but I can't exactly because there's people all around me doing things. I'm noticing myself getting annoyed with everyone and for the first time in awhile I have a distinct craving to watch porn.

It is what it is though. Usually the days after these really tough days are the best ones. So hopefully tomorrow feels a bit better. Tomorrow is also the day we head home and I reckon that will be a bit of a drag with all the travel but will feel great to be home. I will do my best to enjoy the time I have left and enjoy what's here.

day 18 no gaming related content
day 13 no pmo
day 205 no gaming

[jade_]

day 5 no porn
day 25 no gaming related content
day 213 no gaming

So I relapsed with porn twice after I returned home from my holiday. It was weirdly not that bad but I think it's because when it was happening I kind of just accepted it and didn't waste any time. So I didn't go on a search binge, I didn't look at stuff for hours, both time it was quick and I just endeavoured to move on and get further away from porn after the act. Obviously I failed after the first time but it's been 5 days now and I feel really good about things.

I'm back at work which has been exhausting but getting into the swing of it. Things feel amazing between my partner and I - we are in a really nice flow at the moment and I feel incredibly safe with her and very, very attracted to her at the moment. It's been quite astounding how I've been feeling lately.

It does seem like not using YouTube as much, not looking at anything gaming related, not playing any Chess whatsoever and focusing on reading, my fitness, listening to music has been really beneficial. I have been watching some reality TV on Netflix (hello to my new addiction...). It hasn't been much though so it feels like an OK compromise right now while I keep re-balancing my brain. It really is a process not a destination with this kind of thing and if I compare how I spend my time this January compared to last January (and my corresponding stress levels) I am doing fucking amazing.

So that's where I'm at right now. Keeping my head down but also letting myself have fun and feeling open and energised in my relationship. Feeling OK with imperfection. Trying to accept that things are going well. That's been really hard sometimes, to let the good in and not find reasons to discount it or ways of sabotaging it.